FarawayFromCars

AS voluntarily checked herself out of rehab and checked into a hotel and went on a drinking binge. She told my parents that she stayed with a “friend” who chained her and beat her, which is how she got the black eye / broken tooth. There is no evidence to support this claim, and she’s made up many stories like this in the past that have proven to be untrue. It’s kind of like the boy who cried wolf—what to believe?

My mom calls me asking if we (me and my husband) will take her in. I tell her no and that she needs to respect my boundaries and my decision to not be involved in AS’s life and problems. So now I’m on mom’s sh*t list again….and making the decision that it’s time to break this cycle. Going to go no contact with the parents as I have done with AS. Need to stay strong and need your thoughts. Thanks.

suki44883

Yes, you were right to say no to taking her in, and if your parents cannot accept your boundaries, then going no contact with them is a good decision. You can't control what your parents do any more than you can control what your sister does. You are doing great! Hang in there.

ElegantlyWasted

"the boy who cried wolf"... Thought the same thing before i came to it in your post. All i can say is do what you gotta do and stick to it. The crying wolf thing happens on the enabler's end as well when boundaries aren't consistently enforced. Why can't she live with mom and dad? They seem a little presumptuous putting it off on you... Hope everything else is well.

dollydo

I think that you have given your parents every opportunity to respect your bounderies. They are still attempting to guilt you into doing things their way. This has become a power struggle.

If they are so keen on someone taking her in I vote for them to do so.

My inclination is to go no contact and see what happens, it may be their wake up call.

Keep your resolve, if you don't they will run all over you, it is apparent that your sister is their priorty, some things in life just must be accepted.

chicory

I totally agree with your stand. You cannot sacrifice yourself for someone who is not acting in her own best interest, let alone the whole family.
stay strong.

Live

I have often had to tell my mom on the phone "I have to end this now" click and then not phone for awhile.
Sorry you are in this position!

12stepnchick

Ive read about going non contact in several books but what is it adn HOW is it done??????

suki44883

No contact is just that. You have no contact with the person. You don't call, text or email them. You don't answer their calls. You don't respond to their texts or emails. You change your phone number and email address if you have to. You don't frequent the places you know they will be. You do whatever is necessary to have no contact at all with them.

FarawayFromCars

@ EW: She is living with my parents...who suddenly say it's "not working" and "they have to find another place for her to live". They continually test my boundaries on this one. At one point, years ago, AS and I were roommates, and I moved out because the drinking became too much to deal with.


I am frustrated that they do not see this pattern, which happens with every episode of drinking:
1.) AS drinks.
2.) People around AS confront her about her drinking or begin to set boundaries
3.) When boundaries are set, suddenly something incredible happens to AS--she has claimed being attacked numerous times (which have later proven untrue), to meet famous people who have put her up in hotels, and to be offered a publishing contract and trips to LA and New York.
4.) And the parents believe her, and so the focus is taken off of AS. AS assumes zero responsibility again and resumes drinking. And the cycle continues.
So...that is why I made the "boy who cried wolf" reference...because this is a story in a long line of stories that she has told. I don't know what to believe and to not believe anymore.

I have blocked my parents' email address, which is a big step for me. But I have to. I am not answering their calls (I set my phone to a specific ring so I know when they're calling). If this is the way it has to be right now, this is the way it has to be....I can't be everything to everyone, which is what they seem to be expecting of me.

nodaybut2day

Faraway...I admire your resolve in doing this. You're right. It's necessary to your sanity.

Duped

Beware, the no contact route will inspire some real anger in your parents as with your AS, like a tidal wave.

Learn2Live

When I went 100% NC from my addicted brother, my family could not understand. I think this is because they did not feel what I felt, that is, the rise in blood pressure, the panic, the anxiety, the stress, the anger, the frustration, every damn emotion and feeling I had whenever I even HEARD of him or what he had or had not done. I had just gotten to the point where I had cared so much, given so much, tried so hard, expended every ounce of my energy, my resources, my time, my EVERYTHING to help him and his spouse and their children that I just could not bear another word, another thought. My siblings, my mother, and my cousin would call ME because my brother who I had gone NC from and I were BEST FRIENDS (or so I had thought) all our lives. They would call and ask, or report information or complain about him and I would just go ballistic on the phone.

I'm not sure if any of this applies to your situation but I feel ya' and I think you are doing the right thing. I know it is hard to have to cut yourself off from your family like that, so please make sure you are seeking out other sources of support. I did not have to go this far with my family as a result of their calling me because after a while of me telling them, "If you do not stop telling me about him, I will hang up and no longer talk to you," they finally got it and apparently went elsewhere to discuss it. The best thing I found was to tell them they needed to stop telling me all this and start telling it at an Al-Anon meeting.

The older I get the more I realize that often, the less is said, the better.

suki44883

Like I always sometimes say...They can just get glad in the same pants they got mad in.

FarawayFromCars

L2L: You described my situation exactly; thank you for posting. I see a therapist regularly, which is a tremendously supportive outlet for me.
Thanks all....will write more later as I have to get in to work (and I don't like typing this on a phone, lol).

URMYEVERYTHING

I would ask them if it's "not working" with them what would make them think it would work with you??

And....now THEY have to find a place for HER to live.

I agree with the others. Rather than involve yourself in their crazy making...it's best to go no contact.

Learn2Live

Aw that makes me feel good that is helpful to you. Alcoholism is a FAMILY disease. When YOU change yourself, the family dynamic changes, and the alcoholic monster living inside your sister (some call it 'The Devil') loses its grip on the family just a little.

You can do it!