Hadassah

My girls don't want anything to do with him, but hey are 17 and 14. My ds is onlty 13, and a bit naive at that. He wants to see his dad.
His dad wants to come get him on his motorcycle, that he drives drunk on everyday. I am shocked that he has not had a wreck thus far. Mores the pity, I say.
Anyway, ex tells me he wants to come pick him up for a few days. He tried to go through my ds, but I insisted that he talk to me about it. I told him I would drop him off for a few hours to visit. He can take the day off.
I don't want my child on that bike, and I don't really want him around his dad either, but I know that if I don't allow some contact now, it will come back to bite me.
This is the first time that he has wanted ds to come visist since he left in march. K knows that he drinks, and drives, has said he won't get on the bike.
Its in the lawyers paperwork that he can't drink within 8 hrs of being with the kids, but ya'll know how that turns out. They do what they want.
He has proven himself to be untrustworthy and a liar. So of course I don't trust him to do the right thing.
How does one handle this situation? H

hopeful4

I will just say this. A motorcycle is dangerous for a 13 year old to be on in the best circumstances. A 13 year old behind his drunken father on a motorcycle would be a sentence to death. If you decide to allow him to see his son, please keep your son safe and make sure he has access to contact you if he needs to. A 13 year old is not old enough to make wise choices, that is what we are there for as parents. If his father is not going to do that, it leaves it up to you alone to make his life choices until he is an adult and keep him safe.

Could you arrange to have him meet his father somewhere so they can do something together then come pick him back up?? We just took our 10 y/o daughter and 14 y/o niece to the go cart/bumper boat/mini golf tracks and they loved it. It all took several hours so maybe something like that would let them have fun and still spend quality time together.

This is just my opinion. I have put my kids in a dangerous situation before when my husband was drinking. Only because there was an angel with them, nothing happened. I have felt the guilt of allowing them to be in that situation every since then and will for a long time.

I hesitated to post on this one as I do not want to offend you in any way. I am just giving my opinion and maybe it is not the answer for you, but maybe it is and will help.

Good Luck and God Bless!

nodaybut2day

I'd

a) Have a good honest talk with DS about the issue of his father's disease and the dangers connected with that,

b) Buy a home-breathalizer kit and inform STBXAH that you will be testing him before he is allowed to take DS with him. Seeing as your judgment specifies that he is not to be intoxicated before the visitation, you can reserve the right, for the safety of the child if nothing else, to withold visitation.

You are right to try to foster a relationship between father and son, especially at this precarious age. As you said, if you deny him that right, your DS will undoutedly resent you and perhaps seek his father out. I would however provide DS with some al-ateen literature and possibly bring him to a few meetings. He is old enough to understand the scope of this situation.

HoopNinja

Hadassah--I gave my 9 year old a cell phone and told him to call me if stbxah started to drink. There is also a stip in out custody/placement agreement that he cannot consume alcoholic beverages or use controlled substances 12 hours before or during visitation. He did it once--I called him on it and told him he was in contempt of court--that he was not excused from the judge's order. According to older DS he has not seen him drink since. But I still have him take the cell phone any time he is with is Dad. Also, if he shows up under the influence he can't take the kids. If he wants to make a stink I can call the police--same if the start drinking when he has the kids. I could do nothing about the one incident because DS did not witness it--someone else did and told DS.

Thumper

I like this idea, at least for awhile. I have an 11yo and no matter what I said - I'm 99.9% sure he'd get on the back of that bike, or in a car, with his dad when it came down to it. It wouldn't matter how dangerous I said it was, or if he had a way to call, or anything.

Hadassah

No , you didn't offend me. I am guilty of letting them ride with him when he had a few, but it was before I woke up to the fact that he was driving drunk. He would take them to scout's or basketball. We live in a tiny town so it was very close by, but still. When I realized what he was doing I put a stop to it. Most of the time I took them anyway.
I WILL not allow him on the bike. No Way no how. Don't worry. I plan on dropping him off at grandma's for the day. If thats not to his liking, then too bad!

Hadassah

Thanks, everyone for you advice. The cell phone is good idea. I can get him a pay as you go kind.
I also don't trust my son not to get on the bike. His dad is a master at manipulation. He can talk to hair off a cat. UGH.
I will just stick to my plan to let him stay for the day and go and get him. If ah wants to fight about it, I will just have to involve my lawyer. Thanks

hopeful4

I too did not realize the danger I had put my kids in. I thought he was sober, he was not. It was a big realization to me how far his addiction had come that he would actually drive our/HIS OWN children in the car and endanger their lives. Now that he is sober it is something that eats at him too, but he has to live with that and hopefully never go down that road again, because if he does I will keep him away from our kids and he knows that.

Good luck no matter what you decide. Life is hard, but it sounds like you are doing all the right things.

God Bless!

sandrawg

If it were me, I wouldn't allow unsupervised visits with an alcoholic parent.

Unfortunately, accidents where children die because of parents driving drunk happen all too frequently. For example:

17-year-old girl dies in crash; the mother suspected of DUI Ventura County Star

naive

i wouldn't permit it. motorcycles are dangerous enough without a few drinks. sounds like a recipe for disaster...

alcoholics can be very convincing and we find ourselves wondering if we are being unreasonable? at least i did.

stick to your plan and define your boundaries. and if he wants to argue about it, tell him to talk to your lawyer and hang up.

non-negotiable!

naive