FindingPeace1

I have been feeling good, then I went to see my AH's parents (FIL is very ill) and left feeling ALL out of sorts.
In therapy today, I realized I was reacting to his mom's upset over my AH and my issues.
My people pleaser-side was feeling guilty/worried/ashamed - hoping she'd still love me. Worried she'd take his side...blah blah blah. (cool realization!)

But when I come back to:
How do I feel?
What choices support my peace and growth?
Am I acting respectfully and openly?
There is no one else you have to please.
It's okay if others don't like you or you make them uncomfortable or upset or mad.

I feel SOOO much better.

I think if I can bring myself back to these questions, I can settle down (in any upsetting situation).

HOORAY for burgeoning self awareness and peace.

Hugs,
Peace

FarawayFromCars

Thanks for this! I needed it tonight.

naive

hi finding peace-

i find myself wondering why you went to see AH's parents at all. you state FIL is ill, but there are many ill people world-wide you could visit.

before you went, did you want to? or did you feel obligated to?

for myself, when i realize i am doing something out of obligation, i don't do it anymore. this offends many people but my time is valuable to me. some people are just toxic and energy drains and i prefer them out of my life.

i feel much better not doing things out of obligation.

naive

theuncertainty

I love your post, FindingPeace. I'm still struggling with not feeling like I have to make others comfortable, happy, etc. I still find myself doing things out of a sense of obligation for my STBX in-laws. It is so hard to remember that they are not my family and that they will support their son/brother (as they probably should - as long as they're not enabling him (?)...) so any comments they make about my recovery and the steps I take to protect myself and my son should be met with caution. Thanks for the reminder.

FindingPeace1

I went to see his parents because I am very close to them. His mom has been in recovery many years and his dad is in Alanon many years. They were the first people I called when my AH left (after I confronted him on lying and drinking). They have been nothing but supportive.
This is the first time I have seen her since that initial call to them. I think seeing me made it more real for her and she feels mixed up (rightly so), although she still is supportive.
My step FIL may die soon from heart problems and I wanted to give them my love while he is still around.

peace

FindingPeace1

You're welcome! Hugs to you!

FindingPeace1

OOOooohhh! That's deep!

coffeedrinker

i understand that connection to your in-laws. i too love my former father-in-law very much. we always had a special connection, and after some distance and healing from my divorce, i re-established a relationship with both in-laws. i go to visit my father-in-law when he comes to my city for cancer treatments. we have had really good talks. i also know that there is always the possibility that mother-in-law could send me into something of a tailspin if some of her denial and crud popped up. i would then just have to remove myself, remind myself that it's not about me, and shake off the dirt of the interaction.

sometimes when i am trying to decide whether or not to do something, i think
"months or years down the road, might i regret doing this? might i regret not doing it?" i will never regret visiting x-father-in-law during his times of illness.