sodrained

Hi--another lurker here. i've been reading for awhile now & everyone's stories are just so similar to mine that a find a sense of peace here.
my AH has been in and out of rehabs, constantly deciding he's going to be sober--then not caring & becoming a drunk, etc, etc.
he had been sober for 2 weeks (HIS decision) until this weekend. we went to my mother-in-laws house & his family & their kids were there (my kids LOVE to play w/ the cousins & we look forward to this every year). he comes up a day later than us (i had a feeling he had drank the day we left--& you know WE are always correct w/ our "feelings"), but i didn't say anything.
At the mother-in-law's, the brothers were drinking beer but in coffee cups so as to not be obvious. but as you all know--an alcoholic will smell alcohol for miles. i was pissed they drank BUT i think my AH should have just dealt w/ it. some people drink on holidays & he (my AH) is an alcoholic. plain & simple, can't drink.
of course he blamed the brothers that because they drank and disrespected him, that he is leaving(this is all whispered to me--no one else even knows what's going on--so now i'm freaking out- but all alone, as always). he went to a bar (now i cannot enjoy myself at ALL because freaky co-dependent crazy girl comes out). he didn't get drunk--but you NEVER KNOW! so now my kids (ages 6 & 9) are suffering because i'm super-bitch and cannot enjoy myself.
i just wish he wouldn't come to any family functions. i even try my best to discourage him from coming to any family gatherings (because i want to enjoy MYSELF!). i know it's selfish, but my entire adult life (12yrs of marriage & alcoholism has been about 9 of those years), i deal w/ this crap DAILY!
the ups & downs of this is just too much for me. i want a divorce but know that will DESTROY my children. they freakin' adore him (he's not a nasty drunk to them-unfortunately--that might make it easier to leave!!). but my life is getting away from me. i'm now 41 and i know i could do this on my own. i've been the breadwinner FOREVER. unfortunately i cannot afford my current house without his pidly little bit of money--i just wouldn't have enough for food. but i'd be happy living in a tiny place & i'd be happy w/ a drama-free home. really, the drama is ********! i look at other couples & i just start to cry. and i'm not a crier! i just can't believe what i've chosen for my life & my kids' life. and i know that EVERY decision i make will affect my children. i see how my AH became an AH from his household growing up! i came from quite the normal family--no alcoholism at all.
i am sooooo sorry for rambling, but i HAD to get it out!!!
thanx for listening!

suki44883

Welcome to SR, sodrained. I understand your feelings totally. There is a lot of experience, strength and hope to be found here. Hang around and keep posting.

sandrawg

My sister wasted 15 yrs of her life with an alcoholic. He finally put a razor to his wrists and got sent to a psych ward. That was her bottom.

Now she is overweight, traumatized, 58 yrs old and seriously needs therapy but won't get it. She's probably ruined her chances at finding a good rel'ship with someone healthy because she needs to relearn how to NOT be codependent. She's still getting into rel'ships with dysfunctional men.

You may think your kids are not affected by living w/an alcoholic because he's a "nice" one, but don't fool yourself. Of course they are being affected;it's impossible for them not to be. I think a lot of codies with AH's like to fool themselves that staying w/the alcoholic is better for the kids, which I think is nutty.

Those kids need some stability, and it's impossible to create a peaceful, safe environment w/ an alcoholic in the house. I mean, I didn't even LIVE with my alcoholic, and it was 3 yrs of craziness. And he wasn't even a BAD one-his disease was in early stages.

I suggest you look at your real motivation for staying. Maybe there is something about yourself you don't wanna work on, so constantly trying to "fix" him is your distraction. That's a typical codependent motivation.

You say you are "sodrained." You don't think your kids pick up on that? "sodrained" probably means you can't give full attention to your children-your alcoholic is another child.

DOn't feel bad-I've been on this forum for a while, and I've heard the same stories, over and over and over. It's amazing how similar alcoholics are to each other, and also how similar codependents are to each other. it's a tragedy to me, tho, that we all have to keep re-learning the same lessons over and over. thank goodness for this forum so we can hopefully learn from others mistakes and do what's good for ourselves.

If you haven't read "codependent no more" I suggest you pick up a copy.

Pelican

Welcome to the Family sodrained!

Please make yourself at home here by reading and posting as much as needed. Feel free to vent too. We can handle it!

I understand your AH has been in an out of his addiction. What have you done for yourself?

Have you tried finding local Alanon meetings? They helped me. One hour of calm with other's that understand what it feels like to live with active alcoholism - priceless!

Let us know how we can help you.

Starburst

Hi sodrained, welcome to SR, i am also in my 40's, my AH similar to yours, but he is a functional one, he is our breadwinner, i can go nowhere (but dont want to) with my own AD being outcast from the family and dying when I was 15, i just couldnt live with myself, but i have no income of my own, AH wont fix my car, more money making things to do instead and drink!! I just don't know, he was a wonderful husband 8 years of our married life, never drank, quit smoking, now 3 years total relapse, but I am religious, I believe we make a promise to GOD to love our H and them us for better, good, worse or ugly and sometimes FAITH is just what GOD requires of us to make our situation better, it took 10 years from when we were teenagers to before we married to get him to realize he was an A and sober up, i still not very sure what triggered his relapse, except stress and wrong people at work. But every day, I pray for all of you and them that GOD will have mercy on them, because A is a chronic disease and they just cannot help themselves. So I will pray for you and your family my kids are 7 and 9, both girls. Keep posting, pop into my page anytime, pm if you wish to. Hugs xxx

keepinon

Sodrained, this is a really good place, but I also suggest alanon meetings..helped me enormously. Of course your kids love their father..that's what kids do. but plz don't underestimate what example you are showing them. Keep coming back!

Taking5

Have you ever tried TELLING him not to go instead of hinting or discouraging? Men aren't exactly the best at picking up on hints, especially men who are alcoholics.