question about co dependant behavior
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Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 385
Haddasah...you sound more like an adult child of an alcoholic than a codie to me. Your ego defenses appear to include stuff like the ever-present denial, but also avoidance, minimization, rationalization and some degree of self victimization: all of which are characteristic of ACOA, who often have to "guess" at the "proper" emotional responses because their family of origin didn't provide any realistic modelling. Dissociation from that "elephant" is common to nearly all dysfunction that has its roots in some sort of addiction. And, btw...I include the workaholics, gamblers, sex addicts, relationship addicts, and rageaholics....among a whole list of other "isms" that, when present in a family of origin would qualify one for the ACOA fellowship.
I think we tend to use codependency as a catch-all label, and thus confuse the heck out of it. My own definition is that it is a chemical dependency on adrenaline, which is stimulated by the "fight or flight" situations of crisis that addictive relationships create. You don't seem to be focusing on changing or fixing him, which is ever a futile (and thus anger/adrenaline producing) enterprise. You may be suppressing a lot of anger (which often results in depression), but you don't seem to be the usual "proactive" codependent whose life revolves around crisis management, anger, failure, the futility of "rescuing" and self-abnegation. I think the adrenaline addiction is key: without that, you may be a lot of things, but I wouldn't label you codependent.
It's no mystery why codependents are attracted like moths to a flame by first responder and caregiving occupations (nurses, firefighters, police, emt's, etc). Adrenaline is a very powerful and seductive drug and probably does more physical damage over the long run than alcohol. If you are not angry, rageful, hopeless, and attracted to life via crisis management and the drama of a relationship with an insane addict, you are probably not codep. But you're the only one really qualified to say. Regardless....congratulations on "waking up" to the reality of his manipulations and your past avoidance of confronting them. Time to get on with it, yes?
blessings
zenbear
I think we tend to use codependency as a catch-all label, and thus confuse the heck out of it. My own definition is that it is a chemical dependency on adrenaline, which is stimulated by the "fight or flight" situations of crisis that addictive relationships create. You don't seem to be focusing on changing or fixing him, which is ever a futile (and thus anger/adrenaline producing) enterprise. You may be suppressing a lot of anger (which often results in depression), but you don't seem to be the usual "proactive" codependent whose life revolves around crisis management, anger, failure, the futility of "rescuing" and self-abnegation. I think the adrenaline addiction is key: without that, you may be a lot of things, but I wouldn't label you codependent.
It's no mystery why codependents are attracted like moths to a flame by first responder and caregiving occupations (nurses, firefighters, police, emt's, etc). Adrenaline is a very powerful and seductive drug and probably does more physical damage over the long run than alcohol. If you are not angry, rageful, hopeless, and attracted to life via crisis management and the drama of a relationship with an insane addict, you are probably not codep. But you're the only one really qualified to say. Regardless....congratulations on "waking up" to the reality of his manipulations and your past avoidance of confronting them. Time to get on with it, yes?
blessings
zenbear
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