Having a wobble ....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 27
Having a wobble ....
Hi there … I haven’t posted for a while, but read daily when I can and learn so much from you wise ones – many thanks. For me it seems like 1 step forward and 2 steps back, but between yourselves and my weekly Al Anon meeting I mostly feel I’m heading in the right direction! I’ve got a supportive family (albeit miles away) and good friends who I keep in contact with, a wonderful life saving twice weekly yoga/meditation class and if I feel lonely indoors, Kisha, our lovely rescue kitty (icon pic) is there with purrs and snugs.
Since my realisation about 2 years that my AH of 23 years had a serious drinking problem … I have been detaching more and more but deep deep down inside I know I still have some hope that after getting in a mess and screwing up he’ll seek real recovery. He’s basically a good and caring man and up until 2 years ago I would’ve trusted him with my life, my best friend. The pattern this last year or so has been that he has a bad binge lasting 5 – 10 days usually until his body won’t let him drink any more and he feels wretched and takes about 2 weeks to recover – sometimes with hospital help (the last time outpatient help to be rehydrated). He then abstains totally for about 8 weeks after then it seems he has the odd drink (not in front of me) then after a month he goes back into binge mode. The last binge, last week – only lasted 3 days though …. but then he had little money and the World Cup (football / soccer) is on.
After a couple of ‘talks’ down the line with him he said he had been to the walk in help centre but they didn’t think they could do anything for him…. that there were a number of AA meetings in the area but were probably too religious??…. He said he was going to call them ……yup, me thinks quack quack too!!
I’m trying very hard to work on myself and some weeks it really works and then in sneaks the grief and pity. He’s out of contact with friends and work contacts, through shame and embarrassment I think - just kind of pathetic and lost mainly, yes, his own choice. He’s being helpful round the house and cooking lots when sober.
I know I’m having a grief and pity wobble right now and feel I need to ask for advice …Next month myself and 5 (younger) siblings (who know the score but live a distance away and haven’t seen for themselves) and families are meeting up to mark the 20 years passing of our Dad and visit the grave of our Mum who died 2 1/2 years ago. This get together will involve alcohol as we’re going for a meal and meeting up with other relatives. For the past few months I’ve thought … right I’ll go by self … end of….. The last time we went out socially together where there was alcohol available was last September, and he disappeared …. and then crawled up at the end. I had a dreadful time (I’ll skip the gory details) and vowed never to be in that position again (then 12 weeks later I spent Christmas with my family alone as he’d hit the bottle again the week before Christmas). But now I’m having a wobble as my AH is considered a good man and part of the family and when I mentioned to one of my brothers that my AH was probably not coming, I could hear the shock in his voice. My younger brothers have known my AH longer than they knew their father. Right now I feel in a quandary and a bit guilty about him coming or not.
So sorry for rambling on and on and thank and you for listening to me.
Since my realisation about 2 years that my AH of 23 years had a serious drinking problem … I have been detaching more and more but deep deep down inside I know I still have some hope that after getting in a mess and screwing up he’ll seek real recovery. He’s basically a good and caring man and up until 2 years ago I would’ve trusted him with my life, my best friend. The pattern this last year or so has been that he has a bad binge lasting 5 – 10 days usually until his body won’t let him drink any more and he feels wretched and takes about 2 weeks to recover – sometimes with hospital help (the last time outpatient help to be rehydrated). He then abstains totally for about 8 weeks after then it seems he has the odd drink (not in front of me) then after a month he goes back into binge mode. The last binge, last week – only lasted 3 days though …. but then he had little money and the World Cup (football / soccer) is on.
After a couple of ‘talks’ down the line with him he said he had been to the walk in help centre but they didn’t think they could do anything for him…. that there were a number of AA meetings in the area but were probably too religious??…. He said he was going to call them ……yup, me thinks quack quack too!!
I’m trying very hard to work on myself and some weeks it really works and then in sneaks the grief and pity. He’s out of contact with friends and work contacts, through shame and embarrassment I think - just kind of pathetic and lost mainly, yes, his own choice. He’s being helpful round the house and cooking lots when sober.
I know I’m having a grief and pity wobble right now and feel I need to ask for advice …Next month myself and 5 (younger) siblings (who know the score but live a distance away and haven’t seen for themselves) and families are meeting up to mark the 20 years passing of our Dad and visit the grave of our Mum who died 2 1/2 years ago. This get together will involve alcohol as we’re going for a meal and meeting up with other relatives. For the past few months I’ve thought … right I’ll go by self … end of….. The last time we went out socially together where there was alcohol available was last September, and he disappeared …. and then crawled up at the end. I had a dreadful time (I’ll skip the gory details) and vowed never to be in that position again (then 12 weeks later I spent Christmas with my family alone as he’d hit the bottle again the week before Christmas). But now I’m having a wobble as my AH is considered a good man and part of the family and when I mentioned to one of my brothers that my AH was probably not coming, I could hear the shock in his voice. My younger brothers have known my AH longer than they knew their father. Right now I feel in a quandary and a bit guilty about him coming or not.
So sorry for rambling on and on and thank and you for listening to me.
A Pirate looks at 40
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Southeast of Disorder (FL)
Posts: 264
Yikes, that is a quandry. I would do what is best for you! Not let other family members thoughts cloud your decision as to what would be right for you. Especially if they are aware of his drinking problem they should be more understanding. It will be a difficult decision whichever you choose, so choose what is best for you.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Do what you need to do so that this is a peaceful time with your siblings. Maintain your boundaries. People might be shocked. Alcoholism is a shocking thing. That is OK. It isn't a reflection of you. It isn't something you are doing to them. There is no reason at all for you to feel guilty. You didn't and haven't done anything at all to feel guilty about. It is simply you, taking care of yourself, living your life. They will understand. You will be an good example of a healthy person. That is something to be proud of.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Wishing you strength and peace, Roon. Yes, there may be shock that AH may not attend. As Thumper said, it's OK. The family gathering will be an emotional time and you and your sibilings will be able to support each other through it regardless of whether or not AH attends.
Best wishes.
Best wishes.
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