Wine with dinner?
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Join Date: May 2009
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Coffeedrinker, I will also say to you, please do not take it upon yourself to judge me, my personality or state of mind, again I suggest you read peoples posting history before you attack the person rather than the argument!!! This is a support group and I have been here a long while, learned much .......!!!! Lilly
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Dublin, Ireland
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Originally Posted by Lilly Burn 
Please dont cast aspersions. This is very ill judged and entirely inaccurate. I suggest you read peoples posting history before you make remarks like that. Lilly
People will reply to what is written on a subject based on what the poster has posted on that thread. Alcohol is just a beverage, for people who don't have a problem with it it can certainly be very pleasant. But if not drinking for a while around someone who should not be around alcohol is a big deal to you, or to anyone, then it really would behove you to take a look at why. It's possible you have too much of an attachment to it yourself or as coffeedrinker suggested there is so much anger in you, you don't want to do anything for the A. And that's not healthy either. Your anger is probably justified but it's not hurting anyone more than it's hurting you.
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Kitty P I said look at posting history before you make remarks like that, i.e. personal assumptions about the person, not the argument! I could spend some time justifying myself and the many many ways I did try to support my STBEXAH, but I dont feel the need to do so, you are entitled to make assumptions should you wish, it is an open forum after all. Thank you. Lilly.
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Location: Dublin, Ireland
Posts: 120
Originally Posted by Lilly Burn
Kitty P I said look at posting history before you make remarks like that, i.e. personal assumptions about the person, not the argument! I could spend some time justifying myself and the many many ways I did try to support my STBEXAH, but I dont feel the need to do so, you are entitled to make assumptions should you wish, it is an open forum after all. Thank you. Lilly.
You stated that asking friends to not drink alcohol around a recovering alcoholic would be "uncomfortable for all concerned." And honestly if not drinking in a social setting makes anyone feel uncomfortable then they are unlikely to have a healthy relationship with alcohol.
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A gentle reminder to all posters:
Let's stick to offering to the OP our own experiences on her question. I really don't want to see the thread get locked down.
Thanks!
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No posts that attack, insult, "flame", defame, or abuse members or non-members. Respect other members of the community and don’t belittle, make fun of, or insult another member or non-member. Decisions about health and recovery are highly personal, individual choices. "Flaming" and insults, however, will not be tolerated. Agree to disagree. This applies to both the forums and chat.
Ignore bothersome members. If there is someone on the forum that bothers you, select the Ignore option on the drop down menu under their name on the post. You won't see any posts from this member again.
No posts that attack, insult, "flame", defame, or abuse members or non-members. Respect other members of the community and don’t belittle, make fun of, or insult another member or non-member. Decisions about health and recovery are highly personal, individual choices. "Flaming" and insults, however, will not be tolerated. Agree to disagree. This applies to both the forums and chat.
Ignore bothersome members. If there is someone on the forum that bothers you, select the Ignore option on the drop down menu under their name on the post. You won't see any posts from this member again.
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Striving to be a better Man!
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Pacific Northwest
Posts: 266
Originally Posted by Bolina
Is this really about the drink? Or is it about the potential shame and social embarrassment?
Maybe give him a little time to find his recovery feet and then talk about it like adults. One day at a time is a slogan for a reason.
Maybe give him a little time to find his recovery feet and then talk about it like adults. One day at a time is a slogan for a reason.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
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truly not intended to insult
Lily,
It is rare that I go on the attack here, even slightly. I thought my tone would come across less offensive when I pointed out my observation.
For any injury I caused you, I very humbly apologize. I meant no disrespect.
Christine
p.s. thanks freedom for the reminders.
It is rare that I go on the attack here, even slightly. I thought my tone would come across less offensive when I pointed out my observation.
For any injury I caused you, I very humbly apologize. I meant no disrespect.
Christine
p.s. thanks freedom for the reminders.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Originally Posted by coffeedrinker
Lily,
It is rare that I go on the attack here, even slightly. I thought my tone would come across less offensive when I pointed out my observation.
For any injury I caused you, I very humbly apologize. I meant no disrespect.
Christine
p.s. thanks freedom for the reminders.
It is rare that I go on the attack here, even slightly. I thought my tone would come across less offensive when I pointed out my observation.
For any injury I caused you, I very humbly apologize. I meant no disrespect.
Christine
p.s. thanks freedom for the reminders.
Coffee is good for everything!
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: British Columbia
Posts: 51
Definitely don't put alcohol in front of a recovering alcoholic. Respect.
Unless you have a drinking problem yourself, then choosing a non-alcoholic drink at dinner shouldn't be a big deal.
I agree with smacked's post completely.
Again, if you are not an alcoholic, why would it bother you to not have alcohol in the house? Small price to pay for having a sober partner, I would think.
Unless you have a drinking problem yourself, then choosing a non-alcoholic drink at dinner shouldn't be a big deal.
I agree with smacked's post completely.
Again, if you are not an alcoholic, why would it bother you to not have alcohol in the house? Small price to pay for having a sober partner, I would think.
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: UK
Posts: 96
I did the no alcohol in the house for a very long time...i spent anniversary weekends and holidays alcohol free with STBEXAH, i supported him whole heartedly after 6 months with AA, when he chose to go on a motorcylce trip to France with a friend, he started drinking again whilst he was away! I didnt go out myself to events, cancelled things last minute because my H didnt feel he could cope...I didnt have a problem with that. Coverseley, I waited at home on countless occasions when he disappeared, turned his phone off etc because he was out drinking..sometimes for days i would not know where he was, it was agony! .I do not have an alcohol problem! I simply think my friends should not have to change their habits...believe me, I tried it all, yes I might sound bitter, because nothing ever worked and I lost him completely to drink in the end "I am an alcoholic and you are not going to change that" were his last words when he left!!! When I gave up smoking, the friends I had who already smoked, were free to do so, it was up to me to stop and I did! Thank you and thank you to coffeedrinker for your apology...its getting out of hand, but I just cant for the life of me now, look back at the way my H's needs always always came before mine, without some anger, my needs didnt really exist for 7 years!! Thanks again. Lillyx
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Location: Waterford MI
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Thank you for this lillyburn,
I understand your frustration too.
I got sober, but all my efforts were for naught where my ex was concerned.
My situation was different in that I did not want alcohol in my house or anyone under the influence while I am in recovery.
But, now, it is my house and my rules.
No alcohol. At all..
I want to give up smoking too.
Good for you on quitting.
Beth
I understand your frustration too.
I got sober, but all my efforts were for naught where my ex was concerned.
My situation was different in that I did not want alcohol in my house or anyone under the influence while I am in recovery.
But, now, it is my house and my rules.
No alcohol. At all..
I want to give up smoking too.
Good for you on quitting.
Beth
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: UK
Posts: 96
Beth, thanks for that, sadly my H would bring home wine for US! and oh it was just a couple and it would be fine....and then if I wouldnt follow up the session and then go out with him and join in his fun, then I was a party pooper!!He would storm out of the house, "you are not going to stop me" etc, In fact I found out after he left that he used to refer to me as "killjoy". I did do the if you cant beat em join um too, but I couldnt cope with it all and withdrew, hence my name!! One of the pleasures I must say now, is having wine in the house, it being there for some time and available for the odd glass! It feels very grown up. I did my best and didnt have this forum to understand the many ways I went wrong....but I did love him and I did try so hard to keep our marriage together. I truly believe that the only person who can really help an alcoholic is themselves. 
Lillyx
Lillyx
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
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you know it is ironic that once i got sober, my ex went to treatment, and started drinking again within two weeks.
then i was no fun anymore. silly man. how much fun can a major depressive treating the disorder with alcohol be? i would say, not much. i wasnt having any fun, for sure.
lol
i am glad you can enjoy your odd glass of wine. it is one of the great pleasures of life that i can't do now, but i find other things to make me happy.
yes, you learned quite a bit, especially about the alcoholic being the one who can help themselves.
beth
then i was no fun anymore. silly man. how much fun can a major depressive treating the disorder with alcohol be? i would say, not much. i wasnt having any fun, for sure.
lol
i am glad you can enjoy your odd glass of wine. it is one of the great pleasures of life that i can't do now, but i find other things to make me happy.
yes, you learned quite a bit, especially about the alcoholic being the one who can help themselves.
beth
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I think I alluded to this in my earlier post in this thread...
For me as an alcoholic it is actually very counterproductive for people to change their drinking habits. It makes me feel "special" and not in a good way.
Secondly and most importantly, this drunk (me) walks around with a huge sense of entitlement, don’t know why exactly, maybe it is a character trait of an alcoholic but that is for another thread. My point is that the overwhelming majority (99.9%) of the world does not give a rat's ass if I am sober. They will not modify their behavior for me and I had better learn to deal with that or become bubble boy.
I remember looking at the bottom of bills when I got sober, there was a box to mark off for sending a money order, check, etc. but no box to let them know I am "sober" so they can forget about the money owed..... they did not care about my disease, my last 15 years that were so difficult on the sauce, that I may drink from financial anxiety blah blah blah, business as usual, give us our money.
If I was having a rough day in sobriety my boss was not willing to change the deadline for a report or let me cuss out a client. Business as usual once again.
I understand that some may think that the home should be a safe zone. That is cool. But IMHO I needed to be trained that it was time for big boy rules and the harsh reality is that society is not going to help me stay sober, only I am. So if my fiancée wants booze in the house then so be it, I need a mental defense against the first drink, not physical barriers.
So on two levels I hope that no one in my life changes for me.
1. They changed their lives enough as a result of my drinking so it's high time they stop.
2. I got to learn that people are not always going to change as a result of the chance it might make me drink. This includes family. I have to be responsible for my own sobriety. My job, nobody else's. I can only depend on my own actions.
For me as an alcoholic it is actually very counterproductive for people to change their drinking habits. It makes me feel "special" and not in a good way.
Secondly and most importantly, this drunk (me) walks around with a huge sense of entitlement, don’t know why exactly, maybe it is a character trait of an alcoholic but that is for another thread. My point is that the overwhelming majority (99.9%) of the world does not give a rat's ass if I am sober. They will not modify their behavior for me and I had better learn to deal with that or become bubble boy.
I remember looking at the bottom of bills when I got sober, there was a box to mark off for sending a money order, check, etc. but no box to let them know I am "sober" so they can forget about the money owed..... they did not care about my disease, my last 15 years that were so difficult on the sauce, that I may drink from financial anxiety blah blah blah, business as usual, give us our money.
If I was having a rough day in sobriety my boss was not willing to change the deadline for a report or let me cuss out a client. Business as usual once again.
I understand that some may think that the home should be a safe zone. That is cool. But IMHO I needed to be trained that it was time for big boy rules and the harsh reality is that society is not going to help me stay sober, only I am. So if my fiancée wants booze in the house then so be it, I need a mental defense against the first drink, not physical barriers.
So on two levels I hope that no one in my life changes for me.
1. They changed their lives enough as a result of my drinking so it's high time they stop.
2. I got to learn that people are not always going to change as a result of the chance it might make me drink. This includes family. I have to be responsible for my own sobriety. My job, nobody else's. I can only depend on my own actions.
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: europe
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Must admit haven't got enough time to read all writen in this thread, so I'm sorry if I'm about to repeat something that was already said, but I felt a need to share.
I too believe it is important, especially for early recovery of an A, to have an alcohol free home. I figure why make it even more tempting than it already is. My (R)AH never used to drink at home, and I had few bottles of wine at home, and I enjoyed having a glass of it occasionaly. As many of you know my (R)AH has been in hospital with liver cihrrosis for the past month and he was disscharged yesterday and came back home. Before I went to pick him up at the hospital, I poured my wine down the drain, I acctually open the bottles and poured it down. I dind't want to just throw it away or give it to someone. It was like a ritual. And I felt so good afterwards. I'm not saying I'm never going to have a drink ever again, but I will not have it in front of him while he's struggling with his early sobriety. I love the fact today my house is 100% alcohol free. It feels like starting a whole new chapter where all good things can happen. Why jeopardise it with a glass of wine, for me it's just a drink (I love what anvilhead said: it's just peas) but for him it's a tempting demon looking for a chance to finish him off.
You notice when I say AH I put R in between () as he was not drinking for the past month, but he is not really working on his proper recovery, too busy just trying to stay alive. I don't know if he's going to stay sober and work the steps, but I know I'll keep working on my recovery, I'm not going to change my new healthy/happy ways of life for him, but I'm definetely not going to make it harder on him over something so irrelevant for me as having an occasional glass of wine. Even more after everything that has happened I don't really feel like having it any more at all.
I too believe it is important, especially for early recovery of an A, to have an alcohol free home. I figure why make it even more tempting than it already is. My (R)AH never used to drink at home, and I had few bottles of wine at home, and I enjoyed having a glass of it occasionaly. As many of you know my (R)AH has been in hospital with liver cihrrosis for the past month and he was disscharged yesterday and came back home. Before I went to pick him up at the hospital, I poured my wine down the drain, I acctually open the bottles and poured it down. I dind't want to just throw it away or give it to someone. It was like a ritual. And I felt so good afterwards. I'm not saying I'm never going to have a drink ever again, but I will not have it in front of him while he's struggling with his early sobriety. I love the fact today my house is 100% alcohol free. It feels like starting a whole new chapter where all good things can happen. Why jeopardise it with a glass of wine, for me it's just a drink (I love what anvilhead said: it's just peas) but for him it's a tempting demon looking for a chance to finish him off.
You notice when I say AH I put R in between () as he was not drinking for the past month, but he is not really working on his proper recovery, too busy just trying to stay alive. I don't know if he's going to stay sober and work the steps, but I know I'll keep working on my recovery, I'm not going to change my new healthy/happy ways of life for him, but I'm definetely not going to make it harder on him over something so irrelevant for me as having an occasional glass of wine. Even more after everything that has happened I don't really feel like having it any more at all.
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: England
Posts: 741
With regards to alcohol, I could take it or leave it. When he stopped drinking it didn't bother me at all not to drink, infact by the time he stopped I hated alcohol and didn't drink that much anyway, certainly not with him.
What bothered me was his expectation of me. He expected me not to drink because he had stopped. That bothered me. Not sure why. He didn't stop smoking when I stopped, he carried on, he stunk of smoke, left his cigs lying around...I didn't expect him to give up just because I had.
I guess I did feel that, through his expectation, he was seeing himself as being more important, once again all about his wants and his needs and so that bothered me. Even though I didn't want to drink, the fact that he was telling me I couldn't/shouldn't made me angry.
What bothered me was his expectation of me. He expected me not to drink because he had stopped. That bothered me. Not sure why. He didn't stop smoking when I stopped, he carried on, he stunk of smoke, left his cigs lying around...I didn't expect him to give up just because I had.
I guess I did feel that, through his expectation, he was seeing himself as being more important, once again all about his wants and his needs and so that bothered me. Even though I didn't want to drink, the fact that he was telling me I couldn't/shouldn't made me angry.
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Germany
Posts: 2,058
Pucci.....There is so much advice here for you to read through.
As a recovering alcoholic, the sobriety piece is on us but being partners who choose to stay with a recovering alcoholic should be respectful when it comes to booze and understand as much as possible the alcoholic mind. Being that he has only a few weeks under his belt....I don't understand why you are concerned with having wine at dinner or serving it to guests. If my hubby were in recovery, I would support him fully and if I was burned out then I would move on.
Being that he went to pick up your son drunk....I am concerned. You are responsible for yourself and your son. You are accountable.
I wish you well and I hope that you will seek support if you haven't already.
God Bless.
As a recovering alcoholic, the sobriety piece is on us but being partners who choose to stay with a recovering alcoholic should be respectful when it comes to booze and understand as much as possible the alcoholic mind. Being that he has only a few weeks under his belt....I don't understand why you are concerned with having wine at dinner or serving it to guests. If my hubby were in recovery, I would support him fully and if I was burned out then I would move on.
Being that he went to pick up your son drunk....I am concerned. You are responsible for yourself and your son. You are accountable.
I wish you well and I hope that you will seek support if you haven't already.
God Bless.
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: UK
Posts: 96
I think this would be a valuable new thread - how not to assume you know best!
Originally Posted by Chops
I think I alluded to this in my earlier post in this thread...
For me as an alcoholic it is actually very counterproductive for people to change their drinking habits. It makes me feel "special" and not in a good way.
Secondly and most importantly, this drunk (me) walks around with a huge sense of entitlement, don’t know why exactly, maybe it is a character trait of an alcoholic but that is for another thread. My point is that the overwhelming majority (99.9%) of the world does not give a rat's ass if I am sober. They will not modify their behavior for me and I had better learn to deal with that or become bubble boy.
I remember looking at the bottom of bills when I got sober, there was a box to mark off for sending a money order, check, etc. but no box to let them know I am "sober" so they can forget about the money owed..... they did not care about my disease, my last 15 years that were so difficult on the sauce, that I may drink from financial anxiety blah blah blah, business as usual, give us our money.
If I was having a rough day in sobriety my boss was not willing to change the deadline for a report or let me cuss out a client. Business as usual once again.
I understand that some may think that the home should be a safe zone. That is cool. But IMHO I needed to be trained that it was time for big boy rules and the harsh reality is that society is not going to help me stay sober, only I am. So if my fiancée wants booze in the house then so be it, I need a mental defense against the first drink, not physical barriers.
So on two levels I hope that no one in my life changes for me.
1. They changed their lives enough as a result of my drinking so it's high time they stop.
2. I got to learn that people are not always going to change as a result of the chance it might make me drink. This includes family. I have to be responsible for my own sobriety. My job, nobody else's. I can only depend on my own actions.
For me as an alcoholic it is actually very counterproductive for people to change their drinking habits. It makes me feel "special" and not in a good way.
Secondly and most importantly, this drunk (me) walks around with a huge sense of entitlement, don’t know why exactly, maybe it is a character trait of an alcoholic but that is for another thread. My point is that the overwhelming majority (99.9%) of the world does not give a rat's ass if I am sober. They will not modify their behavior for me and I had better learn to deal with that or become bubble boy.
I remember looking at the bottom of bills when I got sober, there was a box to mark off for sending a money order, check, etc. but no box to let them know I am "sober" so they can forget about the money owed..... they did not care about my disease, my last 15 years that were so difficult on the sauce, that I may drink from financial anxiety blah blah blah, business as usual, give us our money.
If I was having a rough day in sobriety my boss was not willing to change the deadline for a report or let me cuss out a client. Business as usual once again.
I understand that some may think that the home should be a safe zone. That is cool. But IMHO I needed to be trained that it was time for big boy rules and the harsh reality is that society is not going to help me stay sober, only I am. So if my fiancée wants booze in the house then so be it, I need a mental defense against the first drink, not physical barriers.
So on two levels I hope that no one in my life changes for me.
1. They changed their lives enough as a result of my drinking so it's high time they stop.
2. I got to learn that people are not always going to change as a result of the chance it might make me drink. This includes family. I have to be responsible for my own sobriety. My job, nobody else's. I can only depend on my own actions.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: uk
Posts: 124
Sometimes, when I am in the company of people who are drinking and there is a lot of acohol around, then my 'mental defence' against the first drink is to remove myself from the situation (so called 'physical barrier'). I would always advise someone in early recovery to remove themselves from drinking situations, or not contemplate trying to deal with them in the first place. I can think of nothing more cruel than a bunch of people who are supposed to care for a person, who would drink in front of him/her in the fraught days of early sobriety.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: UK
Posts: 96
Originally Posted by megan09
Sometimes, when I am in the company of people who are drinking and there is a lot of acohol around, then my 'mental defence' against the first drink is to remove myself from the situation (so called 'physical barrier'). I would always advise someone in early recovery to remove themselves from drinking situations, or not contemplate trying to deal with them in the first place. I can think of nothing more cruel than a bunch of people who are supposed to care for a person, who would drink in front of him/her in the fraught days of early sobriety.
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