HealingWillCome

Aboutdone,

This is really helpful to me...something I hadn't thought about. Yes, I would prefer a face-to-face conversation. Not right now, believe me, but yes, I understand your point. It is something for me to remember for the future, should he do any of the things you mention related to making amends in actual recovery. It's not anything I will hold my breath for, but it's good sound advice if I find myself needing to distinguish truth from manipulation at some point. Thank you for every word of your advice, especially for reinforcing the NC point. So helpful!

aboutdone

Your welcome.

When RXAH and I were split up, he would text me and email all sorts of I love you things. He would be the man I wanted. Promise the dreams we had. Provide the hope I longed for.

Our daughter was born while he was checked out of our relationship, out on a binge. He then would send emails that he would be by the next day, but never showed up. He would text me how he was going to be the best Dad for her, and then I wouldn't here anything from him for a week.

When he did come around to see her, the last thing he wanted to do was discuss any of that stuff he sent me, usually because he was drunk when he emailed or text it. Many times he didn't even remember sending or saying anything like that.

Just try to remember, we can all be anything and anyone we want to be on the other end of a computer or phone.

These days I need to see it, touch it, taste it, feel it, before I believe it. LOL.

I think it is better to err on the side of being wrong here. If he is sincere, he won't give up easily and he will prove it to you over a period of time.

Now the upside of an email or a text....there is no rule that says they must be answered immediately or right away, you know? That can work to your benefit to, as if you absolutely feel the need to answer, you can always hop on here, and run it by someone to make sure your not endulging his desire to manipulate you.

I filed for divorce 2 weeks after our baby was born. I was very adamant that he was not going to see our daughter under the influence, and in the divorce filing I asked for him to submit to drug and alcohol testing in front of me for each visitation. I also allowed for him to visit her every morning from 9am to noon 7 days a week. He showed up for 1 morning in a 30 day period, because he either couldn't stay sober that long or drag his butt out of bed. He would send me emails late at night professing his undying love for us, and that he was going to be the best dad, and I would simply respond. I only want what is best for you, and our daughter, you are welcome to see her any day anytime you are clean and sober. I stuck to the facts, you know?

Seriously hang in there. It is tough, just keep emotions as far out of the equation as possible and you will be able to see through the BS a little easier.

theuncertainty

Re-reading it got me to laugh too. It's nice to finally get there. I went through the same tendency to only see the good. 'He's trying so hard.' I had to seriously step back to see that no, he really is not; it's all just hot air. I loved the post in on SR a while back about the tendency to build up the (relatively) good acts of alcoholic partners and "no those are givens".

Thanks. I wish I felt as strong as I sound... Sometimes I do. Other days are so, so hard. I think I'm only responding on threads where I do feel strong. Or maybe writing out what I'm feeling/thinking is helping me actually be there. Hmmmm....

Aboutdone, I don't know why I continue to be surprised by the similarities between some alcoholics: my AH does same thing as your RXAH did, setting up times to see our son and no-showing, texting/saying how he's going to be such an amazing Dad to our son, on and on and on and no show. I do have to give him credit though, the last 2 times he scheduled he actually showed. Granted all the wonderful plans he spouted off to me and son about what they were going to do were lies as was the fact that he bought our son a new bike. Seriously? What a sad, sad way to be, to be so delusional that he thinks his 5yo doesn't remember Daddy said he bought him a new bike.

And that is just one reason out of many that I am done.

Thanks for the thread!

HealingWillCome

I picked up my journal this morning and found this, something I wrote weeks ago.
"Hope, don't ever give up hope. But remember, it is not a strategy. It doesn't replace hard work and planning."

I feel stronger today. I know these things come in cycles, in waves. I don't look forward to the next wave of pain, but I trust that the pain will continue to become less and less all the time.

When I woke up this morning, I realized that yes, I still think about him almost immediately...but, the difference is that I'm not waking up in pain every day. I'm not wishing that I didn't have to wake up at all. Now, my days are lighter, and I am able to convince myself that the joy I find in each day is up to ME. Nothing, no one, no situation can steal my joy unless I allow it.

Jeremiah 29:11 gives me hope: "For I know well the plans I have in mind for you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare, not for woe! Plans to give you a future full of hope."

I keep a picture in my Bible to bookmark this page. It is a picture of myself from age 6, when I was in the hospital in ICU after a bicycle crash fractured my skull and broke my jaw. Somehow, in a miracle, the skull fracture was healed as if it had not existed only a few short days after the crash. I keep the picture as a bookmark to remind myself that I was healed because God still has plans for me and isn't finished with me yet. I have a purpose here and He needs me, my children need me, and I need to be happy and healthy to live the life he has planned for me.

theuncertainty

I love this. Thank you for sharing.