I seriously don't think my life will get any better...
Persevere, Never give up!
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Stellenbosch, South Africa
Posts: 882
Hi PH, (((Hugsxxx))), -''when life knocks us off our feet, its time to get down on our knees and pray, and when we rise up again, we will be full of power and peace that only GOD can give.'' - This is a season in your life, and we are kept in these valleys for a time until we have learnt the lesson our GOD wants us to teach us, trials strengthen our character. HE wants you to cast all your worries and cares onto HIM, HIS yoke is easy, HE will NEVER leave you nor forsake you, HE called all the stars by name, HE knew your life before you were born. You are important to HIM, you may not understand the WHY? now, but GOD works out everything to our best! HE wants us to be happy! Once you have gone through the valley you will come out the other side victorious and with a greater blessing than when you started! GOD is good! - ''Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for HIM'' - Ps. 37 v 7
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 218
Hugs, PH - you do not look like an idiot. And I soooo relate - last year I really bottomed out when my relationship ended and I felt like everything I had ever done had backfired.
Coming out of these kinds of relationships is its own ball of wax. Truly. The self esteem stuff, the logistics, the finally not having to walk on eggshells. I've read about people having PTSD like symptoms and I definitely was there. I just could not pull myself out of that hole for about three months and it was awful.
But it does get better. For me exercise really, really helped. Even 10 minutes. And making small manageable goals - today I'll eat three meals and call someone. If you're not in alanon I cannot, cannot say enough good things about it.
I promise you that this will pass. So much energy goes into being with an active A that when they leave it feels like you're brain, body and soul tired - totally spent. And what did all that effort get us? Zip. It's really dispiriting. But when your energy comes back, and it will, you can redirect it into things that are good for -you-. This place is awful - I know I had to sit there for a while but I also have the tools now to only have to be there once. You will get through this.
SL
Coming out of these kinds of relationships is its own ball of wax. Truly. The self esteem stuff, the logistics, the finally not having to walk on eggshells. I've read about people having PTSD like symptoms and I definitely was there. I just could not pull myself out of that hole for about three months and it was awful.
But it does get better. For me exercise really, really helped. Even 10 minutes. And making small manageable goals - today I'll eat three meals and call someone. If you're not in alanon I cannot, cannot say enough good things about it.
I promise you that this will pass. So much energy goes into being with an active A that when they leave it feels like you're brain, body and soul tired - totally spent. And what did all that effort get us? Zip. It's really dispiriting. But when your energy comes back, and it will, you can redirect it into things that are good for -you-. This place is awful - I know I had to sit there for a while but I also have the tools now to only have to be there once. You will get through this.
SL
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
hey there lovely. You are grieving, and it is normal and natural that you would feel angry, sad, confused etc. "why me?" is a part of the grieving process, and there is nothing wrong with your feelings. Feelings just are, they do not merit judgement. I can see how you could have thought some of the comments on here were judgemental (I am NOT saying they were) just I can see how, if you are used to juudging the morality and "rightness" of feelings, you could think that was were they were coming from.
I can see that because I've been right where you are now. It is a dark time, but it DOES get better (then it gets a bit worse, then better, etc). You know life is up and down.
vent away. Dark, sad feelings can be scary, if you are worried they are too much to handle, get some outside support, a GP a therapist, in fact get some outside support anyway, there are no medals for doing this alone.
If you aren't worried that this may be turning into a clinical depression then I would suggest that before you get out the gratitude lists and attempt to "turn that frown upside down", you have 1 or more darn good rants, on paper helped me, but also hearing it out loud, shouted out on the top of a mountain into the wind if neccessary and have a few good wallows in the grief, get warm and cosy, with a box of tissues and feel sad for all the sad things that have happened, acknowledge the fears you have about the future, the dreams that will need to be realised in different ways.
Understand that sometimes this will feel like too much, but believe me, you have survived the chaos of living with your other half, and therefore you will survive emerging from that relationship. let yourself feel whatever you feel and know that this is a process and that whatever place you are in, right now, is normal and not permanent.
I can see that because I've been right where you are now. It is a dark time, but it DOES get better (then it gets a bit worse, then better, etc). You know life is up and down.
vent away. Dark, sad feelings can be scary, if you are worried they are too much to handle, get some outside support, a GP a therapist, in fact get some outside support anyway, there are no medals for doing this alone.
If you aren't worried that this may be turning into a clinical depression then I would suggest that before you get out the gratitude lists and attempt to "turn that frown upside down", you have 1 or more darn good rants, on paper helped me, but also hearing it out loud, shouted out on the top of a mountain into the wind if neccessary and have a few good wallows in the grief, get warm and cosy, with a box of tissues and feel sad for all the sad things that have happened, acknowledge the fears you have about the future, the dreams that will need to be realised in different ways.
Understand that sometimes this will feel like too much, but believe me, you have survived the chaos of living with your other half, and therefore you will survive emerging from that relationship. let yourself feel whatever you feel and know that this is a process and that whatever place you are in, right now, is normal and not permanent.
Persevere, Never give up!
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Stellenbosch, South Africa
Posts: 882
''So do not fear, for I am with you, do not be dismayed, for I am your GOD'' - John 14 v 6 - There is NO situation which GOD cannot handle. There is no problem that HE cannot solve. Nothing is so tangled that HE cannot unravel it. There is no heart that is so broken that HE cannot heal it. (((HUGS)))
Sunny Side Up
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
I use to think my life would never get better and only get worse UNTIL I realized this -
I can worry about everyone and everything else and make myself sick and unhappy all the time OR
I can start worrying about me and my needs and make myself shine and positive again.
Sounds easy, no it wasnt, but seriously when I made a decision to let go of everyone elses problems, I didnt have any problems. It was easier for me to blame them for the misery I had caused myself. I loved them, worried about them, fixed it all, for what! so that they could pat me on the back and say 'good ol Jo'. No, it just got me more and more involved.
It may seem like everything is just awful right now (Ive been there, I had $20 when I left my ex). Start making plans in your head, talk to yourself and let it go! Bit by bit it will get better.
I can worry about everyone and everything else and make myself sick and unhappy all the time OR
I can start worrying about me and my needs and make myself shine and positive again.
Sounds easy, no it wasnt, but seriously when I made a decision to let go of everyone elses problems, I didnt have any problems. It was easier for me to blame them for the misery I had caused myself. I loved them, worried about them, fixed it all, for what! so that they could pat me on the back and say 'good ol Jo'. No, it just got me more and more involved.
It may seem like everything is just awful right now (Ive been there, I had $20 when I left my ex). Start making plans in your head, talk to yourself and let it go! Bit by bit it will get better.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Somewhere cold and flat
Posts: 148
Thank you everyone. I took a day to take a step back and just try to reflect on everything and where I am. I wrote down all of your suggestions and I'm going to start doing them. After I posted my thoughts yesterday I prayed and then later I talked with one of my best friends that is also going through a rough marriage with an alcoholic dh who is getting a divorce. She was helpful and she understands where I'm coming from as do all of you. So that brought be out of the slump and gave me so hope. She suggested I start taking control of my life as well and suggested some steps to get back on my feet. Work went well and then I saw my counselor yesterday. She helped to clarify some things and made some suggestions as well. I started working through my mountain of bills and paid off a couple of things, so felt accomplished to at least have something done on that. I'm researching schools again to finish up my bachelors and maybe get my nursing degree as well. I felt a lot of peace and serenity today. I also read a lot of articles on boundaries and felt empowered to make some decisions. Actions speak louder than words with my dh and I have to stop putting up with being hurt while he doesn't seek counselor or help for his drinking. He says he loves me, but I don't even believe it anymore because he treats me like poorly and has no intention of changing. Instead he makes promises and then attacks with his words and behaviors. I have to stop feeling sorry for him, denying the truth, hanging onto unrealistic expectations, and so on. It is destroying me. Why do I want someone so much that treats me like they do? I seriously need to address that problem and fix it. It is time to fix myself instead of fixing him. I think I need to give myself a break too and allow for rough days without seeing it as the end of the world. Thanks everyone. God gave me some glimmers of hope.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 545
I love this story....hopefully it will give you an inspiration to see things in life from a new perspective.
Two angels were looking for a place to stay over night and they walked up on a Rich Man’s mansion and asked for a place to stay. The Rich Man said the angels could stay in the barn with the animals.
When the angels entered the barn, the Old Wise Angel noticed the siding of the wall was peeling off and he decided to fix the wall for the Rich Man. He worked all night and by morning the walls of the barn looked like brand new.
The following night, the two angels were looking for a place to stay and walked up on a Poor Man’s house. The Poor Man said his wife was sick, but they would sleep in the barn and give their home for the visitors for the night.
That night, the Old Wise Angel took the Poor Man’s only cow to heaven.
On the morning the Young Novice Angel was so mad at the Old Wise Angel and couldn’t stay quiet anymore.
“I am so mad at you. The Rich Man didn’t even let us inside his house, but you repaired his barn, and the Poor Man took his family to sleep in the barn while we slept inside their warm house and you thank him by killing his only cow?”
The Old Wise Angel answered:
“Things are not always as they seem. The Rich Man’s barn’s inner walls were solid gold, and I hid the gold with the siding. God wanted to take Poor Man’s wife to heaven, but I sent Him his cow instead.”
When the angels entered the barn, the Old Wise Angel noticed the siding of the wall was peeling off and he decided to fix the wall for the Rich Man. He worked all night and by morning the walls of the barn looked like brand new.
The following night, the two angels were looking for a place to stay and walked up on a Poor Man’s house. The Poor Man said his wife was sick, but they would sleep in the barn and give their home for the visitors for the night.
That night, the Old Wise Angel took the Poor Man’s only cow to heaven.
On the morning the Young Novice Angel was so mad at the Old Wise Angel and couldn’t stay quiet anymore.
“I am so mad at you. The Rich Man didn’t even let us inside his house, but you repaired his barn, and the Poor Man took his family to sleep in the barn while we slept inside their warm house and you thank him by killing his only cow?”
The Old Wise Angel answered:
“Things are not always as they seem. The Rich Man’s barn’s inner walls were solid gold, and I hid the gold with the siding. God wanted to take Poor Man’s wife to heaven, but I sent Him his cow instead.”
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Hammer,
your story reminds me of the story written by stephan covey, author of "7 habits" books.
while sitting on a train in nyc, there were four unruly children. he was getting increasingly irritated with the behavior, and the lack of response from their father. finally he could hold his tongue no longer, and he said, "excuse me, sir, but your children seem to be quite out of control. could you perhaps get them to settle down?" the man, seemingly in a daze, looked at stephen and said, "oh, i apologize; i'm out of it. we just left the hospital, where their mother, my wife, died."
instant perspective change. i love those.
praisehim,
you are wallowing in a heavy burden of grief and sadness, dissapointment, and it sometimes leads to depair. i'm sorry you have been despairing, but glad it lifted a bit.
i just wanted to support you; i don't have any advice. except to affirm what ____ said about the possibility of clinical depression.
christine
your story reminds me of the story written by stephan covey, author of "7 habits" books.
while sitting on a train in nyc, there were four unruly children. he was getting increasingly irritated with the behavior, and the lack of response from their father. finally he could hold his tongue no longer, and he said, "excuse me, sir, but your children seem to be quite out of control. could you perhaps get them to settle down?" the man, seemingly in a daze, looked at stephen and said, "oh, i apologize; i'm out of it. we just left the hospital, where their mother, my wife, died."
instant perspective change. i love those.
praisehim,
you are wallowing in a heavy burden of grief and sadness, dissapointment, and it sometimes leads to depair. i'm sorry you have been despairing, but glad it lifted a bit.
i just wanted to support you; i don't have any advice. except to affirm what ____ said about the possibility of clinical depression.
christine
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 693
praiseHim--you do need to give yourself a break. Sometimes the burdens seem like they will crush us and it is even hard to talk to God during those times. Me-I like to open the Psalms and just start reading because no matter where I am. . .it seems to fit.
I always had a hard time when people would tell me God never gave me more than I could handle. I remember one time telling a friend God had a much higher opinion of me and my abilities than I did!
Different things work for different people-see what works for you. Pampering yourself, gratitude, having a good laugh, having a good cry (that helps too sometimes--especially if you do it with a friend with big shoulders). Some times just putting it away for the day helps too.
I wish you peace today and you are in my prayers.
I always had a hard time when people would tell me God never gave me more than I could handle. I remember one time telling a friend God had a much higher opinion of me and my abilities than I did!
Different things work for different people-see what works for you. Pampering yourself, gratitude, having a good laugh, having a good cry (that helps too sometimes--especially if you do it with a friend with big shoulders). Some times just putting it away for the day helps too.
I wish you peace today and you are in my prayers.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,057
Originally Posted by praiseHim 
Why do I want someone so much that treats me like they do? I seriously need to address that problem and fix it. It is time to fix myself instead of fixing him. I think I need to give myself a break too and allow for rough days without seeing it as the end of the world. Thanks everyone. God gave me some glimmers of hope.
In the past few days, I have had to tell myself, "I would rather be alone with my self-respect and dignity than in a relationship with someone who can't love me equally." Love is giving, caring, respectful, honorable. Love yourself and let God love you the way he wants to!
Your difficulties are heavy, but you CAN work through them! You are in my prayers! Hang tough, and go easy on yourself!
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