redcrow

So, I had previously posted on here about dating a recovering alcoholic who then wanted to be "just friends"... I've decided to take care of myself and those around me. (It seems everyone I know right now has lost a loved one.) My XA friend-- is this the lingo?-- is super talkative now to me when we see eachother. He actually asks me questions about myself. He never did this while we were dating. I'm someone who needs space after breaking things off... but it seems he doesn't know how to do that. I don't know what to do in this situation.

suki44883

How about not being around him for a while?

redcrow

That would mean me having to give up a very healthy activity, which has helped me keep my **** together... but maybe you're right. I try to avoid him at our activity, but it doesn't work.

catlovermi

Let's start with the basics: have you actually said to him you need more space and less interaction, and that he's a bit too close to you, now? You can't expect him to read your mind.

This is a boundary issue. YOU define the boundary. YOU communicate the boundary. YOU uphold your boundary.

CLMI

suki44883

Then just tell him you need some space.

redcrow

Yes. I told him I needed space.

suki44883

Great minds, CLMI, and ours too.

suki44883

In that case, you'll either have to just deal with it or stay away from places where you know he'll be. If you see him coming your way, just turn and walk the other way.

catlovermi

You may have done an inadequate job communicating your boundary.

"I need you to leave me alone during xx activity and not get close and constantly try to talk to me." "If you xxx, then I will zzz."

Use concrete, not vague, language; give specific behaviors or limits. Do you need xx physical distance? Do you need him to not start talking to you? Do you need to team up with people other than him in the activity? Give specifics.

Then, if the specific is crossed in your boundary, have an action YOU will take ready to go. What are you going to do, if he crosses this boundary?

Jenny1232

Why do you have to avoid him and give up an activity at the same time? Can't you do the activity.. without him?

redcrow

Jenny, yes. I could arrive later and leave earlier. The problem is, I'm still interested in him. And I still send him text messages randomly. However, if he were to proclaim interest again, I would have to tell him no, unless he was absolutely certain of what he was doing. He sends me mixed messages by wanting to visit with me... does that sound weird?

stella27

if you are still interested in him and still sending him text messages, then why are you complaining about his failure to get the message. He gets it - you are still interested in him.

Hammerhead

Could it be that he's sending you mixed messages because you're sending him mixed messages?

wicked

yes, red crow, as soon as i read this from you,

i thought the same thing hammerhead did.
you have to be clear with what you want or don't want.

Jenny1232

"I'm someone who needs space after breaking things off... but it seems he doesn't know how to do that. I don't know what to do in this situation. ".

...

"The problem is, I'm still interested in him. And I still send him text messages randomly. "

This make absolutely no sense. I'm not one to talk, I'm the queen of contradiction. I don't understand what you're looking for here. IF you want space, then go to the "activity" at a different time. It almost sounds like a power trip (been there, I know). You want the space, but when he gives it to you, you suddenly lose control, and want to feel desired.

That's just my take here