Update - First Year Anniversary!!!
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 125
Update - First Year Anniversary!!!
Hi Everyone!
Happy Anniversary to me! This is the one and only time I will celebrate the date my Xabf moved out of my apartment. (No reason to give the past too much energy.) It was one year ago June 1 that he moved out. I had held my breath and counted down the days, praying that he would pack (which he did - with the boxes I bought him because he didn't even bother buying any), have his new roommate (who was an A like him, but with an apartment and spare room) pick up his stuff, and he'd go! And he did!
Whew!
So, I posted on SR back in Jan 2010 with an update on how I felt and how I started dealing with panic attacks. It's been some year!! I can honestly say it's been a year of healing, growth and self-discovery.
Back in June and July I got my own furniture - sofa, bed, dressers, tv and computer. But I took taxis everywhere I went - work, doctor, therapy, home, shopping. I had panic attacks if I walked even a few feet away from a doorway. God forbid I looked up into the sky.
I entered therapy and I started reading books on anxiety. I was a huge participant in my therapy sessions. I analyzed myself to the point of wondering how my therapist felt useful in all of this. LOL. We talked about my feelings, my childhood (like it had something to do with my present...but it did), my relationship, my attitude. I had found that what a coworker once told me was actually true - there had to be a crack within my own foundation that would allow someone like him to find his way into my life. I figured that coworker just disregarded my love for my Xabf, but no, there was something more to it.
Love is love. But you can't throw yourself under a bus in order to prove your love for someone. You just can't. And I confused enabling with commitment.
So, since January, I've been slowly progressing in my ability to walk from any point to any point without walking with someone. I am not 100% there yet. But I'm very close. It's funny - the secondary phobia (the part of me that fears being near the places where I had huge panic attacks, so I avoid doing the thing, like walking anywhere, because I'm afraid of having a panic attack) is slowly losing its affect on me. I kind of think of it as the old story of the little child and the monster. The child is afraid of the monster, but when he stops believing in the monster, the monster fades away. Once I stopped giving my fears energy and light, they started to fade away. I didn't tell my therapist where I was planning to walk, or was going to do. I just did it then told her. Making plans on where I was going to walk today and tomorrow, etc, just gave energy to my fears and emphasized the fact that I had an issue with walking. I'd feel fear and not even try if I planned out a strategy to walk. A few times in the past week I just walked to where I needed to go, with no thoughts about "what if I become afraid", etc.
Anyway, about my Xabf. Well, he's still living with his mom. He texts me occasionally. I do not reply. I have nothing to say. I got a check for him in the mail from the state tax agency and I forwarded it to him. I also wrote his mom a message saying that it was the last time I'd forward mail to him, this is not his address to use. (I loved that line; generic, non-judgemental.) She, of course, came back with "please forward his mail as a favor to me". How do you say no to that?? Well, the New Ready did - I just wrote that when he changes his address with the USPS, it's effective as of the date requested; they're computerized so there should be no problem; I highly doubted that he'd want to take a chance with mail by not giving the USPS official direction. That was a nice enough "no". And I feel good having given her the "notice" that Ready isn't the postal service and doesn't forward mail. His mom doesn't pay rent here, and so, again, mine is not his address to use. It's that simple. (His mom had called a few months ago asking if I'd received his W2's...so, I just figured out this evening that this was probably his 2009 state refund, so that means he used my address to file his taxes. So, I'm definitely returning to sender if he gets a check from the IRS! The nerve.)
As for me - time has been healing my heart and spirit. I have been exercising, not that I've lost weight (I've gained muscle so I'm even heavier! LOL.), have been reading fiction (loads of vampire series; they're fun), watching movies, I've even signed up to become a personal trainer. No money to join things and go places, but that's ok. I'm enjoying the quiet time, and not having to answer to anyone. Being able to say "no" and reacting to issues in a way a stronger person would is pretty empowering.
I realized that the problem was me. Yes, that's right. It was ME. My Xabf lived the life he wanted to live. He worked hard at two restaurants, he came home late, drank and slept during the day when I was at work, spent little time with me, put very little effort into his end of the relationship, paid very little money towards the expenses, was sarcastic and condescending in private but was loving and affectionate in public. This is who he is. I was the one who was in denial about who he is. I was the one who looked at his potential, and encouraged him to do more with his life, knowing he was so far behind that it would be impossible for him to catch up. Granted, he did talk a good game, but I believed his words and ignored his actions. I adapted to his b.s. I tolerated inappropriate behavior. I argued with him about his texting and emailing his ex-wife. He was being who he was. I was the one who was fighting him to be better than he could be.
So, I'm not blaming myself here. I'm just absolving myself of any reason to forgive. That's right! One evening, when I couldn't understand why I had such a hard time forgiving myself and him, I figured it out. Why should I have to forgive myself? And him?? I was being all that I knew how to be. He was being who he is.
It's like criticizing me now for not knowing what the square root of 122 was when I was in 1st grade. Why would I?? The mindset I have now, is not the mindset I was working with when I was with him...
What got me through panic attacks without crying every night was knowing that the same mind that was dealing with them was not the same mind that will relieve me of them. Einstein said - the mind that's created the problem is not the same mind that will find the solution. (Or something like that.)
So, I knew that the Old Ready only knew one way to love her Truest Love. She might have acted in the typical enabler way, but that's all she knew. After reading, and listening to friends, and going to therapy, and doing research and frequenting this message board, she learned how to change that mindset. And that's why I am where I am today - emotionally, spiritually, physically.
I can honestly say that I do not love my Xabf. After months of writing and re-writing drafts upon drafts of The Letter I was going to send him, I finally realized that there was nothing to say. I have nothing to say to him at this time. I could put him in his place. But would I really be putting him in his place? He's an A. He recalls a lot less than he thinks he does. He is living in denial. Do I really want to debate with him, by giving him my argument? For what? How will I feel better by screaming at him how I really felt and how much he hurt me? In my opinion, telling a non-recovering A something he doesn't want to hear is like talking to a lamp. Or to this thing --->
LOL. Besides, New Ready doesn't talk to people who refuse to hear her.
The best part is that I can say "he might die" without crying and without feeling like I was responsible for saving him and failed. I can also say that if he were lying on his death bed asking for me, I 99.9% wouldn't go to him. (Just being brutally honest.) After going through what I went through - (fine, I let him in my world, yes, but he chose to treat my heart haphazardly), he doesn't deserve me as a friend, associate or acquaintance. That's Strong Ready talking. It's not vengeance. It's what I want.
His hold on me is gone. Because I let it go.
Is that cool, or what!?
:day6 <---- that would be me, giving myself to me.
A stronger, worthier, independent, important self.
What a nice gift.
And you know what? I like me a lot. I like myself - I have wonderful qualities. I do not need any man's approval and acceptance in order to feel worthy of good treatment, kindness, respect and dignity. Or even to like myself.
You don't either. None of us do. We are all here on this earth, with the right to be happy.
So, enough about the Xabf. He doesn't deserve my energy. You guys do. [Hugs!!]
While I'd like to read more posts and share some encouragement, I think it's time for Ready to get ready for bed.
Good luck, everyone. And thank you from the bottom of my heart to the top of every bit of my existence for all of the help that you have given me. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
~Strong Ready
Happy Anniversary to me! This is the one and only time I will celebrate the date my Xabf moved out of my apartment. (No reason to give the past too much energy.) It was one year ago June 1 that he moved out. I had held my breath and counted down the days, praying that he would pack (which he did - with the boxes I bought him because he didn't even bother buying any), have his new roommate (who was an A like him, but with an apartment and spare room) pick up his stuff, and he'd go! And he did!
Whew!
So, I posted on SR back in Jan 2010 with an update on how I felt and how I started dealing with panic attacks. It's been some year!! I can honestly say it's been a year of healing, growth and self-discovery.
Back in June and July I got my own furniture - sofa, bed, dressers, tv and computer. But I took taxis everywhere I went - work, doctor, therapy, home, shopping. I had panic attacks if I walked even a few feet away from a doorway. God forbid I looked up into the sky.
I entered therapy and I started reading books on anxiety. I was a huge participant in my therapy sessions. I analyzed myself to the point of wondering how my therapist felt useful in all of this. LOL. We talked about my feelings, my childhood (like it had something to do with my present...but it did), my relationship, my attitude. I had found that what a coworker once told me was actually true - there had to be a crack within my own foundation that would allow someone like him to find his way into my life. I figured that coworker just disregarded my love for my Xabf, but no, there was something more to it.
Love is love. But you can't throw yourself under a bus in order to prove your love for someone. You just can't. And I confused enabling with commitment.
So, since January, I've been slowly progressing in my ability to walk from any point to any point without walking with someone. I am not 100% there yet. But I'm very close. It's funny - the secondary phobia (the part of me that fears being near the places where I had huge panic attacks, so I avoid doing the thing, like walking anywhere, because I'm afraid of having a panic attack) is slowly losing its affect on me. I kind of think of it as the old story of the little child and the monster. The child is afraid of the monster, but when he stops believing in the monster, the monster fades away. Once I stopped giving my fears energy and light, they started to fade away. I didn't tell my therapist where I was planning to walk, or was going to do. I just did it then told her. Making plans on where I was going to walk today and tomorrow, etc, just gave energy to my fears and emphasized the fact that I had an issue with walking. I'd feel fear and not even try if I planned out a strategy to walk. A few times in the past week I just walked to where I needed to go, with no thoughts about "what if I become afraid", etc.
Anyway, about my Xabf. Well, he's still living with his mom. He texts me occasionally. I do not reply. I have nothing to say. I got a check for him in the mail from the state tax agency and I forwarded it to him. I also wrote his mom a message saying that it was the last time I'd forward mail to him, this is not his address to use. (I loved that line; generic, non-judgemental.) She, of course, came back with "please forward his mail as a favor to me". How do you say no to that?? Well, the New Ready did - I just wrote that when he changes his address with the USPS, it's effective as of the date requested; they're computerized so there should be no problem; I highly doubted that he'd want to take a chance with mail by not giving the USPS official direction. That was a nice enough "no". And I feel good having given her the "notice" that Ready isn't the postal service and doesn't forward mail. His mom doesn't pay rent here, and so, again, mine is not his address to use. It's that simple. (His mom had called a few months ago asking if I'd received his W2's...so, I just figured out this evening that this was probably his 2009 state refund, so that means he used my address to file his taxes. So, I'm definitely returning to sender if he gets a check from the IRS! The nerve.)
As for me - time has been healing my heart and spirit. I have been exercising, not that I've lost weight (I've gained muscle so I'm even heavier! LOL.), have been reading fiction (loads of vampire series; they're fun), watching movies, I've even signed up to become a personal trainer. No money to join things and go places, but that's ok. I'm enjoying the quiet time, and not having to answer to anyone. Being able to say "no" and reacting to issues in a way a stronger person would is pretty empowering.
I realized that the problem was me. Yes, that's right. It was ME. My Xabf lived the life he wanted to live. He worked hard at two restaurants, he came home late, drank and slept during the day when I was at work, spent little time with me, put very little effort into his end of the relationship, paid very little money towards the expenses, was sarcastic and condescending in private but was loving and affectionate in public. This is who he is. I was the one who was in denial about who he is. I was the one who looked at his potential, and encouraged him to do more with his life, knowing he was so far behind that it would be impossible for him to catch up. Granted, he did talk a good game, but I believed his words and ignored his actions. I adapted to his b.s. I tolerated inappropriate behavior. I argued with him about his texting and emailing his ex-wife. He was being who he was. I was the one who was fighting him to be better than he could be.
So, I'm not blaming myself here. I'm just absolving myself of any reason to forgive. That's right! One evening, when I couldn't understand why I had such a hard time forgiving myself and him, I figured it out. Why should I have to forgive myself? And him?? I was being all that I knew how to be. He was being who he is.
It's like criticizing me now for not knowing what the square root of 122 was when I was in 1st grade. Why would I?? The mindset I have now, is not the mindset I was working with when I was with him...
What got me through panic attacks without crying every night was knowing that the same mind that was dealing with them was not the same mind that will relieve me of them. Einstein said - the mind that's created the problem is not the same mind that will find the solution. (Or something like that.)
So, I knew that the Old Ready only knew one way to love her Truest Love. She might have acted in the typical enabler way, but that's all she knew. After reading, and listening to friends, and going to therapy, and doing research and frequenting this message board, she learned how to change that mindset. And that's why I am where I am today - emotionally, spiritually, physically.
I can honestly say that I do not love my Xabf. After months of writing and re-writing drafts upon drafts of The Letter I was going to send him, I finally realized that there was nothing to say. I have nothing to say to him at this time. I could put him in his place. But would I really be putting him in his place? He's an A. He recalls a lot less than he thinks he does. He is living in denial. Do I really want to debate with him, by giving him my argument? For what? How will I feel better by screaming at him how I really felt and how much he hurt me? In my opinion, telling a non-recovering A something he doesn't want to hear is like talking to a lamp. Or to this thing --->
LOL. Besides, New Ready doesn't talk to people who refuse to hear her.
The best part is that I can say "he might die" without crying and without feeling like I was responsible for saving him and failed. I can also say that if he were lying on his death bed asking for me, I 99.9% wouldn't go to him. (Just being brutally honest.) After going through what I went through - (fine, I let him in my world, yes, but he chose to treat my heart haphazardly), he doesn't deserve me as a friend, associate or acquaintance. That's Strong Ready talking. It's not vengeance. It's what I want.
His hold on me is gone. Because I let it go.
Is that cool, or what!?
:day6 <---- that would be me, giving myself to me.
A stronger, worthier, independent, important self.
What a nice gift.
And you know what? I like me a lot. I like myself - I have wonderful qualities. I do not need any man's approval and acceptance in order to feel worthy of good treatment, kindness, respect and dignity. Or even to like myself.
You don't either. None of us do. We are all here on this earth, with the right to be happy.
So, enough about the Xabf. He doesn't deserve my energy. You guys do. [Hugs!!]
While I'd like to read more posts and share some encouragement, I think it's time for Ready to get ready for bed.
Good luck, everyone. And thank you from the bottom of my heart to the top of every bit of my existence for all of the help that you have given me. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
~Strong Ready
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 125
Yes, to be able to say to anything and anyone, "You are not welcomed in my world" is such a feeling of self-worth. Raising your standards is an amazing feeling. The belief comes. The mind follows what you tell it.
Good luck everyone.
R.
Good luck everyone.
R.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Reality, NJ
Posts: 853
This was one of the most amazing stories I ever read. It makes me want to heal as well. Great job and you have so many reasons to be sooo proud of yourself. I also left my A in September and I am slowly healing. I need some more alanon in my life and more therapy and I am a bit lazy with the therapy but will try again. That is all I can do...
Hugs
Lulu
Hugs
Lulu
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Sticky, sticky!!
I vote for it to be a sticky.
I love this post. It is like a future healthier me, wrote it, like a message from the future!
LOL anvilhead
YeahH!! "the Adopt your Bouncer" campaign is ON..
I vote for it to be a sticky.
I love this post. It is like a future healthier me, wrote it, like a message from the future!
LOL anvilhead
YeahH!! "the Adopt your Bouncer" campaign is ON..
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 125
Thank you!!
Lulu, oh, no, we can't be lazy in our own growth. We're the only ones who will not benefit from it!!
It took a lot of work, but I wanted to be away from panic attacks and away from needing someone's approval. (I guess it helped that I love self-help and self-analysis, so I enjoyed exploring my inner child, and my subconscious beliefs.) Our minds are so fascinating, and it's my opinion that we need to use the leverage that's out there to make the pain stop. We know about Maslow's heirarchy of needs. We know about Pavlov's dog. (I'm big on conditioning, since we are creatures of habit in a big way.) I believe in how our subconscious mind absorbs our conscious thoughts. I believe that our egos do whatever it takes to protect the self-image, even if it's based on false beliefs that were created when we were young, when we were upset or by someone else, possibly an adult when we were impressionable. When you put that all together, and add in our own weaknesses and needs, there's a recipe for possible disaster! With all that knowledge about ourselves, what can we do?
It's like the moment you realize that a large bagel with veggie cream cheese is 12 of your 23 daily Weight Watchers points.
What do you do with that info? You alter the plan. You can't forget for the rest of the day how you've already eaten over half your points before 8am. That brownie is less tempting because you know it's not even food and it will take you past your allotted points for the day. (How could comfort food be so expensive in points!!??) Instead of staying in denial, you know for sure, that your actions will cause you to consume more than the number of points you're supposed to take in. And so, there's the reason you can't lose weight. Right in front of you, in dairy, cake and number form. And it's only 11 am. LOL.
BTW, Lulu, do what works for you. I like therapy. I also like self-help books and I loved reading this message board and posting messages. The people here are like a soft cushiony pillow you can rest your tired soul on, and find comfort. No judgement, no criticism, just gentle advice, tender comfort and kind encouragement. I miss it. :-)
Anvilhead, I love the bouncer idea. He's there to protect us from b.s., allowing only good people into our Club of Life. Once you kick it up a notch, you change the clientele, and so certain people are turned away. The bouncer is no nonsense, but he's got a tender side when it comes to the one he's protecting. We deserve that.
I'm in no way saying I'm perfect, or I'm where I want to be, but I've come very far from where I was and I'm proud of myself for getting to where I am. (One thing I don't normally do is give myself credit, so this feels strange. LOL.)
Ready!
Lulu, oh, no, we can't be lazy in our own growth. We're the only ones who will not benefit from it!!
It took a lot of work, but I wanted to be away from panic attacks and away from needing someone's approval. (I guess it helped that I love self-help and self-analysis, so I enjoyed exploring my inner child, and my subconscious beliefs.) Our minds are so fascinating, and it's my opinion that we need to use the leverage that's out there to make the pain stop. We know about Maslow's heirarchy of needs. We know about Pavlov's dog. (I'm big on conditioning, since we are creatures of habit in a big way.) I believe in how our subconscious mind absorbs our conscious thoughts. I believe that our egos do whatever it takes to protect the self-image, even if it's based on false beliefs that were created when we were young, when we were upset or by someone else, possibly an adult when we were impressionable. When you put that all together, and add in our own weaknesses and needs, there's a recipe for possible disaster! With all that knowledge about ourselves, what can we do?
It's like the moment you realize that a large bagel with veggie cream cheese is 12 of your 23 daily Weight Watchers points.
What do you do with that info? You alter the plan. You can't forget for the rest of the day how you've already eaten over half your points before 8am. That brownie is less tempting because you know it's not even food and it will take you past your allotted points for the day. (How could comfort food be so expensive in points!!??) Instead of staying in denial, you know for sure, that your actions will cause you to consume more than the number of points you're supposed to take in. And so, there's the reason you can't lose weight. Right in front of you, in dairy, cake and number form. And it's only 11 am. LOL.
BTW, Lulu, do what works for you. I like therapy. I also like self-help books and I loved reading this message board and posting messages. The people here are like a soft cushiony pillow you can rest your tired soul on, and find comfort. No judgement, no criticism, just gentle advice, tender comfort and kind encouragement. I miss it. :-)
Anvilhead, I love the bouncer idea. He's there to protect us from b.s., allowing only good people into our Club of Life. Once you kick it up a notch, you change the clientele, and so certain people are turned away. The bouncer is no nonsense, but he's got a tender side when it comes to the one he's protecting. We deserve that.
I'm in no way saying I'm perfect, or I'm where I want to be, but I've come very far from where I was and I'm proud of myself for getting to where I am. (One thing I don't normally do is give myself credit, so this feels strange. LOL.)
Ready!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Reality, NJ
Posts: 853
Thanks ready. I think I need to find a therapist on saturdays. I tend to work a lot during the week and get stuck at work and am tired so not sure i get that much out of it. Maybe that will help me most.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 125
Great idea, Lulu. Do whatever it takes.
I've found that if I want to exercise on a regular basis, I have to make it easy. That means several workout outfits - no searching for something to wear for 20 min, which I absolutely HATE doing.I have a separate pair of sneakers and my equipment (heart rate monitor, weight gloves, bands, etc) are all in one place. No looking for stuff and exhausting myself before I even get started. If I want to eat right, I need to make it easy - I can buy fruit at a store on the way from work, I can cook for the week on Sundays, if I'm out of food, I can order from certain places, certain foods.
Make it convenient for you! How about incorporating a stop at your favorite coffeehouse or book store, or park on your way back? I'll stop at the supermarket and drugstore on my way back from therapy. It makes the trip more interesting. Walking home from therapy is now one of my accomplishments (I suffered from panic attacks so walking home, or anywhere at all, was out of the question a little while ago!), so I treat it as if it were a gift anyway. And if I want to pick up a snack or a treat, I will do that, too.
Good luck. :-)
I've found that if I want to exercise on a regular basis, I have to make it easy. That means several workout outfits - no searching for something to wear for 20 min, which I absolutely HATE doing.I have a separate pair of sneakers and my equipment (heart rate monitor, weight gloves, bands, etc) are all in one place. No looking for stuff and exhausting myself before I even get started. If I want to eat right, I need to make it easy - I can buy fruit at a store on the way from work, I can cook for the week on Sundays, if I'm out of food, I can order from certain places, certain foods.
Make it convenient for you! How about incorporating a stop at your favorite coffeehouse or book store, or park on your way back? I'll stop at the supermarket and drugstore on my way back from therapy. It makes the trip more interesting. Walking home from therapy is now one of my accomplishments (I suffered from panic attacks so walking home, or anywhere at all, was out of the question a little while ago!), so I treat it as if it were a gift anyway. And if I want to pick up a snack or a treat, I will do that, too.
Good luck. :-)
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