Kassie2

I guess after the past few weeks of considering my options and working on acceptance I finally found my sticking point. Many will related, some may not, but here it goes.

My sticking point is that i haven't figured out what I deserve. I know what not to take in a relationship but figuring out what to expect is harder for me. One of the differences in our relationship that I blamed on the drinking and it still may be or not, is that he often pushed me to think about me. We often argued over how I deserved things to go differently and how I needed to take stronger stands with those around me to protect me. He often expressed concerns about how others were dragging me down and tiring me out to the point that I would get sick. He didn't take any responsibility for his part in that, but I still see his point now.

I rarely thought about taking care of myself or my future so much as taking care of others first. I didn't think in terms of what did I deserve or not deserve b/c I just went with everyone's flow b/c it was easier than fighting.

I get advice here or read in other's posts the list things people should expect or deserve in a relationship or from life. I glossed over that list mostly b/c I was taught to live a life of service to others. As I got older I discovered that if I placed others first then I would being a good service. No one ever challenged that idea in me until my husband.

I never thought so selfishly and even that is not necessarily selfish. I thought I was doing what was right. When I consider the concept of what do I want or how would I like things to be or what do I deserve - I choke. I agree that there are some basic things but I am stuck on this idea of what is it that we all deserve? Is there a rule book somewhere? Who decides that I get to have happiness or love? Is that a given? Just some questions I have today.

Important ones. I think I know some of the answers for me, but I could use some input from others on this topic. I mean you all know how stuck I have been and it might help me to understand better.

Just Breathe1

In my opinion we all deserve whatever it is we want. Only you can decide what that is. I am new here, and don't know your story, but whatever it is you decide that you want from a relationship, you deserve to have, period. There is no book or set answer to what anyone deserves to have, that is a personal decision. Bottom line is you deserve to be happy, and whatever makes you happy, you should strive for. The thing that you need to spend some time evaluating is what it is that will make you happy in a relationship, and then decide that you will not accept any less than that. Just remember that you are worth taking care of too. I, too, tend to put others first, and am realizing that I need to focus on me more. If you are focusing on everyone else, and taking care of everyone else, then who is taking care of you?

theuncertainty

Hi, Kassie. What a great realization: you know where you're stuck and can actually see it. For so many years, I knew I wasn't happy with my AH, but I couldn't truly see why. When I finally realized I wasn't happy with what I was getting out of the 'relationship,' I started asking what did I want.

I had to look at other people that I admire to start the list:
My sister and her husband: They argue about stuff - usually very important stuff, not c*** like I was arguing with my AH about like why there were 10 empty vodka bottles rolling around the closet used for storing off-season gear. But they would argue about stuff like where their young sons will go to school or if they will go to his church when she does not believe in organized religion. They talk to each other and make decisions together.

My friend and her husband: He would make her wonderful breakfasts and find her new suduko puzzle books or just bring in the one in the newspaper, he'd bring them in every morning when he planned to spend watching football during the season. So completely opposite of the Mother's or Father's Days where I'd walk out to the living room with a small baby in my arms and step over bottles and a passed out drunk on my way to my sister's to celebrate with her family. Even when preoccupied by sports, my friend's husband still thought of her and did little things to let her know he cares.

It takes time. Sometimes I still need to look at other relationships to see what it is I want, but I'm getting better at recognizing my wants and needs.

s0b3r

1. Detatch from outcome
2. Fusing the Dichotomies
Realize that being stuck is part of being unstuck.
Being fearful is part of having courage
Being resentful is part of forgiving
Being sad is part of being happy
Being seperate is part of being part of

Stuck for me doesn't necessarily mean something is wrong and I'm not working the program...just Gods simple way of saying...slow down and quit trying to fix it.
Not an easy thing to do in a world that says like Donald Trump says "Think Big and Kick Ass"

I see people in the program with years of sobriety doing the same and I'm not exempt from it and that is to..fix it fix it fix it. I should be this way, i should be that way and on and on as Higher Power says..."Let me know when you are finished"

We dont struggle, we take it easy.
***( that counts as an action action and more action as well)***

Kassie2

I hadn't thought of being stuck as something wrong - I knew I was taking the time it takes to figure things out.

I did think that I needed to figure it out and then I could fix it. I now realize that the needed the time to figure this part out - me. So now I have to work to do or realizations to come.

Just glad I took the time and relieved to have the insight.