mamaplus2kids

Is my boyfriend an addict? I'm struggling with denial on his part and mine.

Here are the things that bother me: He has no time for me. I have a problem with his house being messy. We rarely have sex. I don't like it that he smokes pot. It bothers me that all his friends are heavy drinkers. It bothers me that I can't break up with him. Why am I so afraid of being alone? Then, I find myself alone on weekends, and I get so sad and depressed. I then bury myself in gardening and house projects, just so I won't think about what a mistake I am making being with him!

ksumm77

Have you tried to attend any Al Anon meetings?

Something to keep in mind, we always have choices in our life. We can choose to remain stuck or we can choose to break free. Breaking free, of course, is difficult and does, a lot of times, require help from others. It's no fun to be unhappy in our lives. Especially when we are keeping ourselves in misery.

totfit

I don't know that he is an addict or not. It doesn't sound like he is a healthy relationship for you however. Maybe you should look at seeing why you are in this relationship, why the codependency and get out. I know sometimes it is hard to be alone, but as long as you are involved in this, you will never find better. Being alone at least leaves you open to possibility of something healthy and full-filling and time to become better yourself.

mamaplus2kids

Why am I in this relationship? Could it be that I am used to be neglected emotionally and rejected? Could it be that I am afraid of intimacy? Is there something better out there? I have terrible self-esteem and have no idea how to rectify this.

I am nearly 40 years old, with two children, and a sociopath/alcoholic ex-husband who constantly tries to manipulate me. Who would want that for a relationship? I live in the boonies and my social life kind of sucks. My life is entirely centered around my two children. I do well by them, but that leaves little room for a relationship, unless he is willing to live my life.

I've tried Al-Anon, love it, but the closest meeting is two hours away. I go to a therapist once a week. It helps, but I feel like I spin my wheels sometimes.

coffeedrinker

Sometimes I realize that I am willing to do things to myself that are destructive, but when I think about my children, it changes things - the stakes are higher. You admit that you are daily making "a mistake" by being with him.
What is it, do you think, that keeps you there?

And welcome back, by the way

mamaplus2kids

My children love him. When he is giving of his time and energy, he is really golden. He plays with them, listens to them, comes to important events like concerts and games. But those times are spaced so far between...

Jadmack25

I had 3 broken ribs many long years ago, when the treatment was to strap your chest round and round with adhesive tape, eg elastoplast, which stayed there for a couple of weeks or more. Come the day it was to be removed and I learned what the words prolonging the agony really meant, as the nurse slowly detached the tape from my skin. After the tape was gone, I had an x-ray and then another lot of that damned tape went on. I felt like I had been skinned.

I was not looking forward to the next round of "unveiling", but got a different nurse who, took time to let me soak myself in a hot bath for half an hour, then cut tape downwards in four places. Finally she quickly pulled the tape off in those blocks.
I felt much, much less pain and got over this a lot quicker than the first time.

Sticking around a man who makes you unhappy, worries you, and leaves you lonely and frustrated, seems as pleasant as slowly pulling the plaster off. Pulling a little at a time at those problems with your bf, doesn't do much else but cause a lot of pain for you.

You know staying with him is a mistake, but are worried you can't break with him.
Why can't you break with him? You aren't chained together....as you are lonely when not with him. The only way you ensure not breaking with him, is because you WON'T do it, not because you can't.

You have a choice....stay with him, worry about his drinking, his pot smoking, about his messy house, his not having time for you, about you being lonely and alone, feeling sad and miserable and afraid and whatever else.....in other words "prolong the agony".

Leave him.....be alone, maybe lonely for a bit, replace worry over him and what "he" does, by thinking over what you want, need to do for you.
Pull the tape off quickly, minimise the pain and get over it sooner.

I would rather go thru that slow removal process again, than remain with someone who I know is so wrong for me, does things that worry me and doesn't meet my needs, because it would be less painful.

God bless

Just Breathe1

Whether or not he is an addict I can not say, but it does seem clear that he is not giving you what you want, and that is all that really matters. I know it's hard to make the break, especially when they are so good some of the time. The thing is you deserve someone who can be that good to you all of the time. You know whether or not this relationship is really what you want, and if it's not then decide that you are not going to accept it. I am starting to realize that the possibility of having what I want is better than the certainty of not. Stand up for you, because you ARE worth it!

theuncertainty

In the first few months/year after leaving my AH (and then again whenever I feel the unforgiving pull of wanting him back), I find the strategy of burying myself in household projects, or doing little things with my young son, works well to help me past the worst of it.

I had to MAKE myself do things, I had to make myself accept playdate offers, or get up in the morning to go on a walk in the local botanical garden, but once I was there, I forgot, if just for a few seconds/minutes/hours, all about him and was able to breathe and live for myself and my son.

Wanting to provide a safe and healthy home for my son is why I left. Only you can decide what your BF's possible addiction means to you and your family. I'm learning to trust my gut. If I get this strong feeling that my AH is drinking/lying/covering up, it's safe to say he most likely is.

Tinkering around the house and garden are definitely great outlets; helps one work out their frustration/feelings in a safe manner and when done, you have a lovely home and garden. Should you decide to walk away from an un-fulfilling relationship, you'd have the added bonus of not having to go back into the craziness or messiness.


Jadmack's analogy is wonderful.

bookwyrm

Have a look at this thread - it really opened my eyes to how I viewed myself!!

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ets-big-o.html


One day soon I hope to be a big O...

coffeedrinker

"Is he an addict?" For me, it was "is he using now?" For me, the need to know was strong because I knew I wouldn't stay if he was using. If he wasn't, I wanted to try and work through our stuff.

There are self tests one can take to asses if their drug/alcohol use is considered problematic. You could do a couple of them online and probably get the answer.

But, what's more important, as the other posters have said, is that your needs in the relationship are not being met.

My mother said to me sometime last year that maybe I should decide to just see Brian when he's going well. We have fun together, I'm not brought down by his depressive moods, and then "see ya" til the next time. Sounded like it might be a plan (I just could not seem to cut him out of my life). The trouble was, it just didn't play out that way.

IMO, there is a problem when someone needs to smoke weed often, or drink often. They are drugs; they alter your mood, and your thinking. There is a reason people wanna get high. Your BF wants to get high. Are you ok with that? Clearly you are not. You have to decide if you want him in your life, no matter what the label is.

mamaplus2kids

Bookworm... love that Big O cartoon! Will forward to all my codependent friends! It really does exemplify much of my problem.