Worst Fear-Homelessness for the XAH
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 237
Worst Fear-Homelessness for the XAH
I think this, him being homeless moreso even than his dying, has been the fear that has kept me the most stuck in my own recovery. Heck, it kept me stuck in my marriage for a good 2 years or so after I first wanted to leave. Because my ex doesn't just drink, he self-destructs, to a terrifying degree. He's always been able to stay sober for months at a time even, but when he starts drinking, he doesn't stop until he's quit whatever job he had and needs to be hospitalized. When I left for good last Jan, he stayed unemployed and in our condo (I moved to my parents with dd) until he drank so much and had such a bleeding gash on his head that his sister finally called an ambulance in May 09, whereupon he was admitted to a hospital, and when he got out, I gave him his divorce settlement money early and his sister used that to help him get settled in an apt. near her. He got a job soon after.
I could go on with his tale of woe, but I've told it all before. Suffice to say, the money is just about gone (less than a grand left), I have no more to give, sisters won't let him stay with them, and he just got out of the hospital and now his sister's calling me again.
I've just taken a big leap in the last week by finally not picking up his calls. But it's been difficult and now I'm feeling more triggered than ever. I just know this cycle is never going to end and he will probably soon be homeless. My biggest fear, realized. I read back through my old posts a while ago and some time in 2008 I think I posted something along the lines of, "Maybe it would be better to just not get divorced because at least then I don't have to go through the pain of having my ex be a homeless drunk on the streets continuing to try and wheedle money and favors out of me." And now I feel like that's exactly where I am. I've taken the next right step of shutting off the communication between he and I, but this constant worry feels so damn miserable.
On a somewhat different tangent, I get very triggered and depressed too whenever I read something on the news or the internet about how bad the economy is, how so many people that are unemployed have just given up even looking, and I just think---well, I guess there's no point to him even trying. He's not ever going to be able to support himself, not with his track record and not in this economy. And the thought of that seems so unbearable to me.
Do any of you have to deal with this with your ex? And how do you manage it? And do any of them come out of homelessness and go on to being able to at least provide a roof over there own heads?
I know too that this is kind of a backward progression for me, but please be gentle. I feel like not calling him back took about all the strength I have at the moment, and I'm doing the best I can right now, even though I recognize I still have a long way to go.
I could go on with his tale of woe, but I've told it all before. Suffice to say, the money is just about gone (less than a grand left), I have no more to give, sisters won't let him stay with them, and he just got out of the hospital and now his sister's calling me again.
I've just taken a big leap in the last week by finally not picking up his calls. But it's been difficult and now I'm feeling more triggered than ever. I just know this cycle is never going to end and he will probably soon be homeless. My biggest fear, realized. I read back through my old posts a while ago and some time in 2008 I think I posted something along the lines of, "Maybe it would be better to just not get divorced because at least then I don't have to go through the pain of having my ex be a homeless drunk on the streets continuing to try and wheedle money and favors out of me." And now I feel like that's exactly where I am. I've taken the next right step of shutting off the communication between he and I, but this constant worry feels so damn miserable.
On a somewhat different tangent, I get very triggered and depressed too whenever I read something on the news or the internet about how bad the economy is, how so many people that are unemployed have just given up even looking, and I just think---well, I guess there's no point to him even trying. He's not ever going to be able to support himself, not with his track record and not in this economy. And the thought of that seems so unbearable to me.
Do any of you have to deal with this with your ex? And how do you manage it? And do any of them come out of homelessness and go on to being able to at least provide a roof over there own heads?
I know too that this is kind of a backward progression for me, but please be gentle. I feel like not calling him back took about all the strength I have at the moment, and I'm doing the best I can right now, even though I recognize I still have a long way to go.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
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It sounds to me like he's never had to take care of himself and provide his own roof over his head. All he's ever had to do is get pathetic enough and someone (you, his sisters, whoever) comes swooping in and saves his bacon. So, he's learned that's how it works. This is what is referred to as "loving them to death."
L
L
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,944
I feel like that's exactly where I am. I've taken the next right step of shutting off the communication between he and I, but this constant worry feels so damn miserable.
Excellent taking of the next right step! Not easy.
Now, what can you do to address YOUR anxiety?
I needed therapy to make the big changes in my behaviors - but until then the tools of AlAnon helped me alot. Can you accept where he ends and you begin? Can you sit with yourself and tell yourself that all is well, YOU are not in any danger, YOU are safe?
Can you make some little plans to keep the focus on yourself? Can you get to an AlAnon meeting? Sometimes even just distraction, one minute at a time, if all else fails- like movies, pedicure, hanging out with friends, etc.
I had to break the HABIT (addiction???) of worry & anxiety about other people and the HABIT of denial and not accepting reality and the difference between things that were mine to own and change and things that were hands off!
Mambo -stay strong, do you have a regular meeting, sponsor, therapy appt.? When you feel weak and like your good intentions will crumble call on these!
peace & ((((hugs))))
b
Excellent taking of the next right step! Not easy.
Now, what can you do to address YOUR anxiety?
I needed therapy to make the big changes in my behaviors - but until then the tools of AlAnon helped me alot. Can you accept where he ends and you begin? Can you sit with yourself and tell yourself that all is well, YOU are not in any danger, YOU are safe?
Can you make some little plans to keep the focus on yourself? Can you get to an AlAnon meeting? Sometimes even just distraction, one minute at a time, if all else fails- like movies, pedicure, hanging out with friends, etc.
I had to break the HABIT (addiction???) of worry & anxiety about other people and the HABIT of denial and not accepting reality and the difference between things that were mine to own and change and things that were hands off!
Mambo -stay strong, do you have a regular meeting, sponsor, therapy appt.? When you feel weak and like your good intentions will crumble call on these!
peace & ((((hugs))))
b
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
All I can say is that addicts are very clever at finding a place to land, at least for a brief period of time.
I tossed my exabf out several times, it really didn't seem to bother him much, as long as he could drink and do drugs, sleeping on the street was not a problem. What is important to us, is not necessarily important to them. We worry because of our mindset, not theirs.
He got himself arrested in my front yard and off to prison he went, finally came out and he didn't learn a thing...last I knew he was still using and living on the street.
Let go, your worrying about something you cannot change or do anything about is only hurting you.. It is his life, he is the master of his soul, you are not. Concentrate on you.
My Best
I tossed my exabf out several times, it really didn't seem to bother him much, as long as he could drink and do drugs, sleeping on the street was not a problem. What is important to us, is not necessarily important to them. We worry because of our mindset, not theirs.
He got himself arrested in my front yard and off to prison he went, finally came out and he didn't learn a thing...last I knew he was still using and living on the street.
Let go, your worrying about something you cannot change or do anything about is only hurting you.. It is his life, he is the master of his soul, you are not. Concentrate on you.
My Best
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
It took 5 years of hell being with the psychotic, abusive EXAH for me to finally hit a bottom and reach out for help.
How do you know that homelessness might not be the catalyst in him finally seeking recovery.
Do you believe in God?
I do.
I will always remember the day that I hit bottom, when there was no one left to cushion my fall.
I was physically, emotionally, and spiritually bankrupt.
That's the day I cried out to God, and the day that miracles started happening in my life.
How do you know that homelessness might not be the catalyst in him finally seeking recovery.
Do you believe in God?
I do.
I will always remember the day that I hit bottom, when there was no one left to cushion my fall.
I was physically, emotionally, and spiritually bankrupt.
That's the day I cried out to God, and the day that miracles started happening in my life.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 237
Someone on the Friends and Family of Substance Abusers forum posted something I actually found very helpful on exactly this topic--can't remember the title of the thread offhand, but it was about not enabling, and it was exactly what I needed to read. I find sometimes that forum, even though my XAH was strictly an alcoholic, helps me in matters such as these because it seems many drug addicts hit a harder, rockier bottom than many A's, and my XAH seems to fit that mold. Thanks everyone for your replies. They are helping.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
I remember being at a open AA meeting in a homeless mens hostel.
A man asked how he could help his brother, who was drinking himself to death at his home, and scaring his family witless. The answer given, and unanimously applauded by those who had been or still were active A's was an eyeopener.
"Pack up his stuff, give it to him and tell him, he needs to make his choice how and where to live, because he is not living here with you anymore.
Let him know you have had being afraid for him, and seeing your wife and kids upset and worried over him, and he not giving a damn, as long as he got his booze for company.
You are just keeping him comfy, as he kills himself....so now take comfy away and let him find out how the cold, hard and real world feels.
That bottle he's cuddling is good in your nice home, on a full stomach....let him learn it isn't much good at keeping him fed or warm, and isn't soft to sleep on.
Maybe he will stop, and maybe he won't...but he's got more pushing him out there, than he has with you helping him stay like he is now."
I sometimes think of this when I see guilt about...going NC, calling cops, walking away from an A, telling them to leave home.
My late XAH chose to drink til his brain and body were stuffed and he spent his last years miserable in a nursing home.
My now RABF is still sober, has even quit smoking and so have I.
(Ahhhhhhhh Grrrrrrrrrrr)
If he relapses, and has a beer, I will go NC, and leave him to whatever lies ahead of him, and use the time I have left, on my own life and interests.
God bless
A man asked how he could help his brother, who was drinking himself to death at his home, and scaring his family witless. The answer given, and unanimously applauded by those who had been or still were active A's was an eyeopener.
"Pack up his stuff, give it to him and tell him, he needs to make his choice how and where to live, because he is not living here with you anymore.
Let him know you have had being afraid for him, and seeing your wife and kids upset and worried over him, and he not giving a damn, as long as he got his booze for company.
You are just keeping him comfy, as he kills himself....so now take comfy away and let him find out how the cold, hard and real world feels.
That bottle he's cuddling is good in your nice home, on a full stomach....let him learn it isn't much good at keeping him fed or warm, and isn't soft to sleep on.
Maybe he will stop, and maybe he won't...but he's got more pushing him out there, than he has with you helping him stay like he is now."
I sometimes think of this when I see guilt about...going NC, calling cops, walking away from an A, telling them to leave home.
My late XAH chose to drink til his brain and body were stuffed and he spent his last years miserable in a nursing home.
My now RABF is still sober, has even quit smoking and so have I.
(Ahhhhhhhh Grrrrrrrrrrr)
If he relapses, and has a beer, I will go NC, and leave him to whatever lies ahead of him, and use the time I have left, on my own life and interests.
God bless
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: back from the brink
Posts: 457
Certainly, it is a worry that you carry. We all wonder what will happen to them, as we know that they are on that "slippery slope" of decline.
However, there IS a lot of help out there for people who wish to seek it. In every community - help is available to some degree. It's within his reach. There is the Salvation Army that takes in the homeless, and offers help to addicts to put them in touch with recovery help.
So.... don't carry this worry. You did all you could to help him. You didn't make these choices for him. He did. Don't carry the guilt, don't carry the responsibility either.
However, there IS a lot of help out there for people who wish to seek it. In every community - help is available to some degree. It's within his reach. There is the Salvation Army that takes in the homeless, and offers help to addicts to put them in touch with recovery help.
So.... don't carry this worry. You did all you could to help him. You didn't make these choices for him. He did. Don't carry the guilt, don't carry the responsibility either.
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