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if not co dep what?

Old 05-09-2010, 02:52 PM
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cjf
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if not co dep what?

If I refuse to let AS or AD come to live at home, or refuse to send money, or refuse to be drawn into the drama, does that not mean I am not co-dependent. But what does it mean "I will do anything in my power to help you." What kind of help would I be offering?
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Old 05-09-2010, 03:32 PM
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I think, if you're talking about an addict, we have no power to help them. We can only help ourselves, maybe by doing that we show them how to help themselves? I put a question mark because I really don't know to be honest.
For the record my mother let my brother live with them, paid his bills and was a big part of the drama. It didn't stop him drinking, but i don't know it would have stopped him if she'd done the opposite.

I dunno if anything means you're codependant or not, if i sneeze do I have a cold?
I decided I needed to sort myself out, not for anyone else, for me. It took a long time to get to the point where I realised I needed to sort me out though.
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Old 05-09-2010, 03:42 PM
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Not everyone unfortunate enough to have sons and daughters alcoholics in their lives are codependents. Read some stickies. If you are one you should be able to to see it.

Keep in mind also that codies are not just people with alcoholics/addicts meshing up thier lives. It's a relationship behavior problem with any individual who isn't "Well". from mental illness to abuse to emotionally unavailable people.

Sooo...

One can be a codependent to say, a "mentally unstable" son or daughter thier whole lives. But, not cater to the "alcoholic" they become.

Not saying that's you! - Just saying that's one scenario. :-)
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Old 05-09-2010, 05:41 PM
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Originally Posted by cjf View Post
does that not mean I am not co-dependent. ?
I get confused on double negatives in a sentence. Since I couldn't get past that part of the question, here is a list of characteristice of codependency:

Characteristics of Codependent People
We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and it is easier for us to be concerned with others rather than ourselves. This in turn enabled us not to look too closely at our faults.
We "stuff" our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and have lost the ability to feel or express our feelings because it hurts too much.
We are isolated from and afraid of people and authority figures.
We have become approval seekers and have lost our identity in the process.
We are frightened by angry people and any personal criticism.
We live from the viewpoint of victims and are attacked by that weakness in our love and friendship relationships.
We judge ourselves harshly and have a low sense of self esteem.
We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment. We will do anything to hold onto a relationship in order to not experience painful abandonment feelings which we received from living with people who were never there emotionally for us.
We experience guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of giving in to others.
We confuse love and pity and tend to "love" people we can pity and rescue.
We have either become chemically dependent, married one or both, or found another compulsive personality, such a workaholic to fulfill our own compulsive needs.
We have become addicted to excitement.
We are reactors in life rather than actors.


Those are taken from Melody Beatties book Codependent No More
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Old 05-09-2010, 08:11 PM
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maybe don't be too hung up on the label right now. read some of the posts, the "stickies" and maybe check out an al-anon meeting. everything you hear/read will not ring true - everything doesn't for me - but you may find that you find a place in the community.
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Old 05-11-2010, 04:52 AM
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The help you can offer is to be of support and be there when they are ready to talk and ready to change. I don't always feel that I have been codependent, but I have always been there for when that change is finally acknowledged that it needs to be made and have been there to try and help guide them to the help that is available.
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