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letter to ah

Old 05-09-2010, 03:20 AM
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letter to ah

Here is what I just finished writing, and sent via the internet (facebook) to AH. Why that way because I don't want an argument or yelling and he refuses to communicate with me about any of this without arguing. I feel full of resolve (at least at the moment).

This is the hardest thing I have had to do EVER...but if I do not nothing will ever change, and all my words will simple be words. Mean what you say...say what you mean.
I asked you to make a choice between drinking and your family....and clearly you have chosen to drink. You came in a 4 tonight obviously having had to much to drink. I have been sitting here, it is 5:15 am, for over an hour thinking and praying about this. I have the responsibility to raise 6 kids......and I can not put that at risk. I am not going to go in to all the reasons etc here....but I feel like you have made a choice and that I made clear to you what would happen if you chose to drink.
So...without argument or yelling, I am asking you to please find somewhere else to stay - a friend and apartment that is up to you. I am not saying our marriage is over, but our marriage - while you are drinking and not seeking help - is over. If you decide to seek help or counseling for your drinking then I am willing to try, but NOT like this anymore. It isn't fair to me or any of the kids - it isn't even fair to yourself.
I am sure you are going to be angry when you read this, but I feel I have no choice because it has been a year in June that your drinking was WAY our of control and really in the scheme of things nothing has changed. I know you don't believe this, but I love you - I just can't live this way anymore. Last time we seperated it was an open door where you came and went....I need space to figure out what to do so take what you need. You would never believe had sad this makes me....but if we are ever to recover in our relationship then I have no choice.


I don't know if I am prepared for the response I will get, but I really do in my heart and mind believe this is what I must do!
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Old 05-09-2010, 03:45 AM
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I will be intersted with his reply. You need to take care of yourself and your kids. Plain and simple. You deserve better
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Old 05-09-2010, 05:51 AM
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Let us know what his response is. If it makes you feel better then why not. x
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Old 05-09-2010, 05:59 AM
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Originally Posted by mentallyexh View Post
I don't know if I am prepared for the response I will get...
you are.

you are moving toward serenity.
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Old 05-09-2010, 06:12 AM
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Maybe the public humiliation of Facebook is a way. Email would have worked also, if you didn't want confrontation without making the issue public.
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Old 05-09-2010, 07:31 AM
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You stated you loved him - but just could not live like this anymore. It is showing tough love. Al Anon has helped me live better even though I'm not in the same house. Consider that if you could during this time as it helps to be able to talk about it and listen to others. I have never had a bad meeting yet - 6 of them so far.
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Old 05-09-2010, 07:31 AM
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I don't do facebook, but does that mean that anyone on there can read that letter, or anyone he has friended? Like I said, I don't know how facebook works.
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Old 05-09-2010, 07:36 AM
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As a recovering alcoholic you are so doing the right thing. I don't have children and could never imagine drinking if I did (loss of a pregnancy was what threw me into depression) and you need to protect your children and yourself. They need you and only when your AH accepts his addiction and seeks help will anything improve.

I will say that if his response is in anger then that is the alcoholic talking. The one who doesn't seek seek help because they are not ready. Sadly some never look to sobriety. Drinking is this dark hole that once we are there.....we realize it has a hold on us and it is a fight/struggle.

The alcoholic will blame you and drink more, they make irrational decisions. Not something you can raise a family with. Definitely not something I would expose children too.

Stay strong my friend and know in your heart that you are doing the right thing.

Huggs and prayer.
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Old 05-09-2010, 07:49 AM
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Facebook has a private messaging system.
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Old 05-09-2010, 09:07 AM
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I'm on your side, sister. And I have been at the same point.

And I am now separated/pending divorce. But my kids are GOOD and HEALTHY and not being twisted around. And I am finally OKAY and generally PEACEFUL.

Taking care of yourself and your kids is the right thing to do.
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Old 05-09-2010, 11:54 AM
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My message to him was PRIVATE like email, not public!! And his only response was 3 words....love my kids! Then a text that said I can me gone by the time you get home if that is what you want, to which I responded you knew the conseequences, so you made your choice and then he threw in a few more cruel words to which I didn't respond.
SO......I am going to really try to stick to this!!
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Old 05-09-2010, 12:01 PM
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I thought that letter was very good: you weren't making ultimatims, or trying to control him, you simply said that you've had enough.
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Old 05-09-2010, 02:10 PM
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This was a very good letter. You stuck to the facts and reality of the situation. Not sure if a letter is enough, you may have to say this (and should say it) directly to him if it is safe for you and possible to do so. Maybe with someone you trust also there for support.

If he tries to counter this letter (and NOT get help) keep saying the exact same thing, esp the part that the marriage with his drinking is over. That was a powerful statement.

Best of luck.
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Old 05-09-2010, 08:58 PM
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This is your boundary. You have presented it in the most direct way you could without venom or hate mixed in. Bravo to you!!
His responses are expected. Try to let them go. It is far more important that you put those words out there than whether it sinks in for him.

Once I made the decision that the time had come to leave my XABF whom I had lived with for 10 years and who I was relying upon financially for the last 3 of those, one of the toughest things for me what to resist the urge to give it yet another try. It was just so hard and so terrifying to strike out on my own. I had a house to pack up and move with many pets including horses and I had little money and few resources.

It helped to post to SR when I struggled and the wise folks here reminded time and time again why I was leaving and why it was so important to stay strong.

It helped to write down my feelings when I was empowered so I could refer to them when I was low and ready to give up.

It also helped to pray for strength and serenity every morning and throughout the day.

The toughest time in a strained relationship is during the separation whether it's temporary or not. Mixed feelings can bring mixed signals, which can bring confusion to the one being asked to leave and guilt and stress on the one doing the asking.

Keep safe. Stay strong. Look to your children when you need the strength to hold your convictions.

We're here listening if you need support.

So proud of you for protecting yourself and your children. Doesn't have to be permanent, like you've said, but you're right that it must be done for the health of all of you.

Best wishes!!

Alice
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Old 05-10-2010, 02:50 AM
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You did just what you needed to do, and what his reply may be is up to him. I will keep you and your children in my prayers.

God bless
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