When you have been replaced
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Reality, NJ
Posts: 853
Originally Posted by Kassie2 
Hey!
I agree that you deserve so much in life and a relationship - don't we all?!
I want to support your decisions and remind you that there are no guarantees when we marry that we will be happy and all that stuff. Take your time to rebuild your life.
Keep up hope and pray for husband. Today I met someone who reminded me to keep hope alive because sometimes it does happen. The odds are terrible and we can change our hearts and minds at any time. Stay in the present. I saw this person today as a sign and encouragement.
BTW - have a great evening!
I agree that you deserve so much in life and a relationship - don't we all?!
I want to support your decisions and remind you that there are no guarantees when we marry that we will be happy and all that stuff. Take your time to rebuild your life.
Keep up hope and pray for husband. Today I met someone who reminded me to keep hope alive because sometimes it does happen. The odds are terrible and we can change our hearts and minds at any time. Stay in the present. I saw this person today as a sign and encouragement.
BTW - have a great evening!
today4me
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 311
Lulu - Keep strong and cry more if you need to. I am super struggling today for many of the same reasons you are. Need to attend Al Anon in a bad way and am praying for HP guidance.
Thanks to everyone else also for the responses to Lulu as it is really hard for me to see clearly and wonder how they can do this. Reading them grounds my anxiety so I can breath slower again.
Thanks to everyone else also for the responses to Lulu as it is really hard for me to see clearly and wonder how they can do this. Reading them grounds my anxiety so I can breath slower again.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Canada
Posts: 132
My XABF has replaced me so many times, I can't even count...
It's funny, because he'd constantly let me know that he didn't think I was good enough for him - I had no sense of humour, I didn't exercise enough for him, I didn't have a university degree, blah blah - even though I've owned my own home since I was 28, I've worked for the same organization for 21 years, I am intelligent and funny and attractive. Then - after dumping me - he'd hook up with women who had no direction in their lives, that lived in sketchy places or who were not exactly the kind of women anyone would bring home to mother. This last time, he was dating someone within a day of dumping me.
After some reflection, I realized that although I don't have a degree, I had done more with my life that HE had - the guy with the engineering degree!! He owns a home now only because of the division of assets from his divorce - assets that included a house purchased for him and his ex by her parents.
He is a manipulative, controlling, passive-aggressive man - traits that did not vanish when he stopped drinking last October. Stopping drinking is definitely not the same as recovery, as I've now learned. How naive I was when he stopped drinking - I thought all those awful, negative traits would go away, but they didn't.
When he dumped me, he was back with a woman who has no job, lives with her mother in an apartment, has no car, but who would do anything to be with him. She probably thinks how she's hit the jackpot - a man with a great career as an engineer, with a home, someone who will drive her around and throw morsels of affection her way when he feels like it.
I just got so tired of trying to validate myself to him. If he can't (or won't) see the value of who I am, why should I allow him the PRIVILEGE of being part of my world?
I felt very vulnerable today. Mother's Day is hard for those of us whose mothers have passed away.
It's funny, because he'd constantly let me know that he didn't think I was good enough for him - I had no sense of humour, I didn't exercise enough for him, I didn't have a university degree, blah blah - even though I've owned my own home since I was 28, I've worked for the same organization for 21 years, I am intelligent and funny and attractive. Then - after dumping me - he'd hook up with women who had no direction in their lives, that lived in sketchy places or who were not exactly the kind of women anyone would bring home to mother. This last time, he was dating someone within a day of dumping me.
After some reflection, I realized that although I don't have a degree, I had done more with my life that HE had - the guy with the engineering degree!! He owns a home now only because of the division of assets from his divorce - assets that included a house purchased for him and his ex by her parents.
He is a manipulative, controlling, passive-aggressive man - traits that did not vanish when he stopped drinking last October. Stopping drinking is definitely not the same as recovery, as I've now learned. How naive I was when he stopped drinking - I thought all those awful, negative traits would go away, but they didn't.
When he dumped me, he was back with a woman who has no job, lives with her mother in an apartment, has no car, but who would do anything to be with him. She probably thinks how she's hit the jackpot - a man with a great career as an engineer, with a home, someone who will drive her around and throw morsels of affection her way when he feels like it.
I just got so tired of trying to validate myself to him. If he can't (or won't) see the value of who I am, why should I allow him the PRIVILEGE of being part of my world?
I felt very vulnerable today. Mother's Day is hard for those of us whose mothers have passed away.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
Originally Posted by lulu1974
my husband went from being in AA and trying to reconcile to dating someone else, binge drinking, and hating/blaming me. Why does this happen? What kind of person does that. Should have told me how replacable I was the night before our wedding so I could have called it off. Oy.
Some other woman "won the prize" ................
I would be very grateful to her, and relieved for myself.
Active alcoholics do not use reason or logic, plus the brain is not working too well.
Please do not take his actions/behavior personally.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Mature, maturity.....two words used by A's quite a lot, and used as a put down on others. Funny thing is that the A's maturity and behavior is on par with a pre-schoolers, and they don't realise mature does not actually only mean ripe.....as in enabler is ripe for plucking.
Thus when they call us "immature", I understand them to mean I am not ripe enough (or dumb enough) to be plucked.
Works for me
God bless
Thus when they call us "immature", I understand them to mean I am not ripe enough (or dumb enough) to be plucked.
Works for me
God bless
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
Originally Posted by BumblingAlong
He is a manipulative, controlling, passive-aggressive man - traits that did not vanish when he stopped drinking last October. Stopping drinking is definitely not the same as recovery, as I've now learned. How naive I was when he stopped drinking - I thought all those awful, negative traits would go away, but they didn't.
I felt very vulnerable today. Mother's Day is hard for those of us whose mothers have passed away.
I felt very vulnerable today. Mother's Day is hard for those of us whose mothers have passed away.
Sorry about your Mom (hugzzz)
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: new york
Posts: 227
Because alcoholics typically have the maturity level of a 10th grader. He needs someone, anyone, and repairing the relationship with you will take work, commitment, making amends, etc. Why not start fresh and avoid all that unpleasantness? It hurts, but he is doing you a huge favor.
That's exactly it! Nail right on the head. My exabf usually has relationships that last just a little over a year. Just enough time.... He goes to alot of meetings now. I'd like to think it's about recovery but knowing him, he has met someone there that he goes with. (not my prob anymore) You will be fine just working on yourself and your needs. Like said before, let the new one be his new "fresh start". You deserve better. Just look for those flags you didn't see before....hindsight is a wonderful thing.
That's exactly it! Nail right on the head. My exabf usually has relationships that last just a little over a year. Just enough time.... He goes to alot of meetings now. I'd like to think it's about recovery but knowing him, he has met someone there that he goes with. (not my prob anymore) You will be fine just working on yourself and your needs. Like said before, let the new one be his new "fresh start". You deserve better. Just look for those flags you didn't see before....hindsight is a wonderful thing.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 394
Originally Posted by Summerpeach
I too thought once my ABF would stop drinking, his personality would recover, but it only got worse. He's still very much an addict who just doesn't drink. The traits never go away unless there is a serious want and desire to work a program.
Sorry about your Mom (hugzzz)
Sorry about your Mom (hugzzz)
The real person came out (the one not on cocaine, but the raging alcholic whose brain chemistry I believe has been permanently altered) and the only way I can describe it was demonically possessed. I think I actually liked the vulnerable person who had to go into rehab and needed love and support a lot more than the person who has emerged that does really mean things to people. If you so much as don't do a little thing she asks you to, the punishment is actually quite brutal.
It reminds me of the movie 'The Fly' where the scientist tries to go back into the machine in order to change back to full human rather than half human half fly and ends up emerging as part human, part fly and part machine - a grotesque result.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
I believe this has to do with feeling irrelevant in life.
Once one starts to find meaning in her life and feel important per se, not in relation to anyone or any outside job or task (HP work in short!!) those "being replaced" feelings go down the drain.
At least that happens to me.
It is a compliment not to be alluring to someone sick anymore, I believe that is what the above poster talked about "the others are reflection of yourself"... if someone toxic doesn't like you its because something is healing in you. And they can't stand it or don't want to heal. The pain has not been enough for them. Yet...
Meanwhile a new world opens to you, a world that has no room for hurt, resentment, envy, judgment, addictions, abuse, indifference, manipulation, ego strokes, meaningless sex, etc. I realized that is XABFs world... IT IS NOT MINE
Once one starts to find meaning in her life and feel important per se, not in relation to anyone or any outside job or task (HP work in short!!) those "being replaced" feelings go down the drain.
At least that happens to me.
It is a compliment not to be alluring to someone sick anymore, I believe that is what the above poster talked about "the others are reflection of yourself"... if someone toxic doesn't like you its because something is healing in you. And they can't stand it or don't want to heal. The pain has not been enough for them. Yet...
Meanwhile a new world opens to you, a world that has no room for hurt, resentment, envy, judgment, addictions, abuse, indifference, manipulation, ego strokes, meaningless sex, etc. I realized that is XABFs world... IT IS NOT MINE
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: London
Posts: 145
[QUOTE=ChildrenB4AW;2592132]If this "love affair" ends any time soon, you'll get the "I'm so sorry, I didn't realize how much I loved you" call. If you don't, be happy that this problem has been moved to someone elses doorstep.
ChildrenB4AW is absolutely right. My xabf walked out on me just over 10 months ago. He started (at least!) an emotional affair in the days / two three weeks beforehand then cut me off with no explanation or anything in mid June.
After 10 months of no sight / sound / etc he rang me out of the blue three weeks ago. Walked out on his latest victim - even though she's six / seven months pregnant with their son. I got the 'Leaving you was the biggest mistake of my life,' speech coupled with 'You never know what you've got until it's gone'. Even our very last conversation together was filled with 'My feelings have come back, I love you so much I have to leave you as I can't be around you if you don't want to be with me'. And he went back to her. How long for is anyone's guess.
Seriously, you're better off without! All they want are people who will enable and condone their habit. There's no emotion within at all - trust me! After he left I went to AA meetings and heard it straight from the horses' mouths!!
ChildrenB4AW is absolutely right. My xabf walked out on me just over 10 months ago. He started (at least!) an emotional affair in the days / two three weeks beforehand then cut me off with no explanation or anything in mid June.
After 10 months of no sight / sound / etc he rang me out of the blue three weeks ago. Walked out on his latest victim - even though she's six / seven months pregnant with their son. I got the 'Leaving you was the biggest mistake of my life,' speech coupled with 'You never know what you've got until it's gone'. Even our very last conversation together was filled with 'My feelings have come back, I love you so much I have to leave you as I can't be around you if you don't want to be with me'. And he went back to her. How long for is anyone's guess.
Seriously, you're better off without! All they want are people who will enable and condone their habit. There's no emotion within at all - trust me! After he left I went to AA meetings and heard it straight from the horses' mouths!!
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