Why is is they alway think..
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Somewhere cold and flat
Posts: 148
Originally Posted by aboutdone 
Lulu,
He asked some fellow rehabbers to help him. There was one gal there who wasn't accepting that she belonged there, and he seemed to be very close to her. She left the conversation, and came back awhile later, and handed him a paper completely full of positives, things like he was a good father, a good husband, a good provider, a good employee, he was nice, loyal, worthy, good looking, etc.
He couldn't wait to show me, that these individuals seen the good in him, why the hell couldn't I??? Um, well, lets see, I am the one who paid the bills because you didn't, I am the one who scheduled visitation with your children, because you wouldn't, I am the one who would drive you to work, and force you out of the car because you didn't want to go, I am the one who had our baby on my own, while you were on a 6 week binge hiatus only God knows where, and I am the one always left holding the bag, well, gee Dear, I can certainly see where I have been so wrong in my opinion. How dare me. LOL.
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He asked some fellow rehabbers to help him. There was one gal there who wasn't accepting that she belonged there, and he seemed to be very close to her. She left the conversation, and came back awhile later, and handed him a paper completely full of positives, things like he was a good father, a good husband, a good provider, a good employee, he was nice, loyal, worthy, good looking, etc.
He couldn't wait to show me, that these individuals seen the good in him, why the hell couldn't I??? Um, well, lets see, I am the one who paid the bills because you didn't, I am the one who scheduled visitation with your children, because you wouldn't, I am the one who would drive you to work, and force you out of the car because you didn't want to go, I am the one who had our baby on my own, while you were on a 6 week binge hiatus only God knows where, and I am the one always left holding the bag, well, gee Dear, I can certainly see where I have been so wrong in my opinion. How dare me. LOL.
.
It was something that was hard for me to work through and realize that it wasn't my fault.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,118
Lulu, I completely understand your question. My AH is always telling me, "Everyone LOVES me, but not YOU!" Like it's my defect of character that I am not unconditionally in love with behavior that is irresponsible, selfish, and simply self-destructive and marriage-destructive. And he really doesn't get it!
Thing is, he's right in a way. People DO love him, until they "find him out." He had a couple of women who begged him for a job at his company..they were real fans. Of course he hired them because they were "babes" (That's what he told them, and me, too.). Plus they fed his ego.
They quit a few months later--I saw one of the resignation emails, which read "I cannot continue to work with someone who treats me with such disrespect." So it's the old, throw out the line, hook 'em, reel 'em in, and then swallow them whole, manipulate them, push limits, take what you can get.
So thanks to the posters who have been there. I also appreciate the validation from those "on the other side." Alcoholism is a disease, not only of denial, but of the overblown ego, and it's so great to see that some do overcome and live to teach the rest of us.
Thing is, he's right in a way. People DO love him, until they "find him out." He had a couple of women who begged him for a job at his company..they were real fans. Of course he hired them because they were "babes" (That's what he told them, and me, too.). Plus they fed his ego.
They quit a few months later--I saw one of the resignation emails, which read "I cannot continue to work with someone who treats me with such disrespect." So it's the old, throw out the line, hook 'em, reel 'em in, and then swallow them whole, manipulate them, push limits, take what you can get.
So thanks to the posters who have been there. I also appreciate the validation from those "on the other side." Alcoholism is a disease, not only of denial, but of the overblown ego, and it's so great to see that some do overcome and live to teach the rest of us.
aboutdone
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: midwest
Posts: 191
My RXAH and I recently discussed this issue, and the above issue about how another in Rehab saw all the good in him.
He has a hard time remembering things. Well that is what he says. However he is "the man" at his job. He had a time limit on something very important at work, and we worked on it together here at home. As we were talking, I wrote down a list of things he needed to accomplish the next day, to be able to meet the timeframe. The next day he went to work and forgot the list. I text him and told him he forgot it. He said that was ok. When he came home, I asked him if he was able to remember everything, and he said yes. We went through the list and he remembered over 20 things he had to get done. I laughed, and made a joke about it, and said, well, when it is something you want to do, you can remember it, huh. And he said just as straight faced as could be, well, yes, but when it comes to you and the never ending list of responsibilities, and I just don't care to remember. It will eventually get done, or you will nag at me until I do it. I don't have to worry about it. I about fell off my chair.
I think it is easier at times for them to keep the act up in the spotlight when it is not a 24/7 charade like they try to pull off at home sometimes.
Seriously, at his job, if he doesn't do well, he gets demoted. If that doesn't work, he gets fired. They don't whine, cry, nag, bi*ch, or do it for him. They just replace him. So I told him, maybe I would set up a time clock at the door. He can punch it when he walks in from work, and punch out when he leaves. I'll follow the rules of work. 3 strikes your out. Absenteeism will not be tolerated. You will get a verbal warning, written warning, final warning, then your done.
Well, that wasn't quite so funny, but in all honesty, if we didn't have our emotions so attached and could actually do that, things would probably go a heck of a lot different, eh? LOL!!
He has a hard time remembering things. Well that is what he says. However he is "the man" at his job. He had a time limit on something very important at work, and we worked on it together here at home. As we were talking, I wrote down a list of things he needed to accomplish the next day, to be able to meet the timeframe. The next day he went to work and forgot the list. I text him and told him he forgot it. He said that was ok. When he came home, I asked him if he was able to remember everything, and he said yes. We went through the list and he remembered over 20 things he had to get done. I laughed, and made a joke about it, and said, well, when it is something you want to do, you can remember it, huh. And he said just as straight faced as could be, well, yes, but when it comes to you and the never ending list of responsibilities, and I just don't care to remember. It will eventually get done, or you will nag at me until I do it. I don't have to worry about it. I about fell off my chair.
I think it is easier at times for them to keep the act up in the spotlight when it is not a 24/7 charade like they try to pull off at home sometimes.
Seriously, at his job, if he doesn't do well, he gets demoted. If that doesn't work, he gets fired. They don't whine, cry, nag, bi*ch, or do it for him. They just replace him. So I told him, maybe I would set up a time clock at the door. He can punch it when he walks in from work, and punch out when he leaves. I'll follow the rules of work. 3 strikes your out. Absenteeism will not be tolerated. You will get a verbal warning, written warning, final warning, then your done.
Well, that wasn't quite so funny, but in all honesty, if we didn't have our emotions so attached and could actually do that, things would probably go a heck of a lot different, eh? LOL!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
From "aboutdone" (( So I told him, maybe I would set up a time clock at the door. He can punch it when he walks in from work, and punch out when he leaves.))
Sorry aboutdone, I just had to find something the moment I read your words. Is this what you had in mind?
God bless
Sorry aboutdone, I just had to find something the moment I read your words. Is this what you had in mind?
God bless
aboutdone
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: midwest
Posts: 191
yep, pretty much. LOL! Its always a good day, when I can find the laughter and absurdity in this wonderful disease known as addiction. I would love to say its all bad, but you know, it is what it is. Sometimes, things said and done, are just way too funny, to stay mad. You know?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 54
Originally Posted by Kmber2010
I am truthfully blessed that my marriage ended because we were never right and as long as I was in that mess then I was never going to acknowledge my addiction to the beast known as alcohol.
I went on to meet a wonderful who knew and understood my drinking. I had cut way down and was trying very hard to quit. He hadn't seen the hateful....self-loathing drunk but what he saw was someone who drank at home daily, who was full of anxiety/panic attacks, who passed out at movies, who would offer no conversation because she was too busy focusing on getting her fix.
Finally my hubby told me how he felt about my drinking and it home. I loved this man with all my heart but I had allowed my addiction to come into my new marriage and it was still controlling me.
With the help of SR, support from my wonderful partner and counseling.....I quit the bottle cold turkey in January. Had a few week relapse in April and got back up and am now 3 weeks sober and will never drink again.
Alcoholics will always find just cause in their lives for drinking. I looked for every and any excuse to drink. It was more important to me then showering, cooking, spending time with family. It consumed me.
Be strong my friend. Until the alcoholic accepts their addiction and begins their daily struggle for sobriety (yes it that difficult) there is not much anyone really can do for them.
Huggs.
I went on to meet a wonderful who knew and understood my drinking. I had cut way down and was trying very hard to quit. He hadn't seen the hateful....self-loathing drunk but what he saw was someone who drank at home daily, who was full of anxiety/panic attacks, who passed out at movies, who would offer no conversation because she was too busy focusing on getting her fix.
Finally my hubby told me how he felt about my drinking and it home. I loved this man with all my heart but I had allowed my addiction to come into my new marriage and it was still controlling me.
With the help of SR, support from my wonderful partner and counseling.....I quit the bottle cold turkey in January. Had a few week relapse in April and got back up and am now 3 weeks sober and will never drink again.
Alcoholics will always find just cause in their lives for drinking. I looked for every and any excuse to drink. It was more important to me then showering, cooking, spending time with family. It consumed me.
Be strong my friend. Until the alcoholic accepts their addiction and begins their daily struggle for sobriety (yes it that difficult) there is not much anyone really can do for them.
Huggs.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 54
What is it that makes you ready? Is it like a lightbulb moment? Or more like you've hit rock bottom and the only way is up? What is it that makes you think "right, this is it, I'm doing this right now"
Hope these questions aren't out of place..
Hope these questions aren't out of place..
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