BohemiMamaof3

It's been awhile since I've been here. Things in my life have been OK. The usual ups and downs of life, and I have been taking it one day a time, easy does it and all that! I'm smiling as I write that! I haven't been going to meeting since working f/t, but I have been reading!

As for the reason I sought this place in the first place the addict in my life, and update follows.

Background: My Brother is a 38 yr.old alcoholic, addict and has mental health issues. I'm sure I've posted about him on here before. About 2 years ago his old college room mate and friend offered him a very good job on the west coast (we're in FL). He had just completed a long stint in the Salvation Army rehab, left and went on a binge and then got the offer from his friend. I thought his friend knew the about his problems, and was trying to help him.

Long story short, Brother left the friend's employ abruptly after 2 months, hooked up with some young woman who had 2 kids, and began using again. His college buddy called my mom and I when brother just walked off the job on him one day, he was concerned about him. He was trying to help my brother but brother wasn't honest about what his problems were and made up all these stories about having a kid overseas he never gets to see, and other off the wall stuff. He cannot drink or do drugs too long without being hospitalized because of the damage he has done to his body over the years. He develops pancreatitus and/or pneumonia. So this obviously happened and the girl he was living with tracks us down after we hadn't heard from him in months. She asks me all these questions about him that I answer truthfully. Brother is in a medically induced coma for about 2-3 weeks due to heart and breathing problems brought on by pneumonia brought on by alcohol and who-knows-what-else.

Brother recovers, and is very upset at me because I told this woman the truth. He had told her things like he has a child (he doesn't), he owns our Mom's house (he doesn't) and he supports and takes care of our Mom, all kinds of crazy stuff that's not true.

Then my brother wants to move back to FL. On 2 separate occasions around that time he tells me that he never wants to speak with me again because of all the stuff I have told the girl and his college buddy who gave him the job. I said, fine but if you ever decide to change that you know how to get a hold of me, I wish you only the best and for you to be healthy and safe...blah, blah, blah.

My brother returned to FL last December. He sees my Mom occasionally now and she is urging me to contact him. I told her I feel I should respect his wishes, if he ever changes his mind, and calls me, I will be cool with speaking to him then.

The other weird thing is that he has now sent me like 5 separate emails and all they are is a link. The link is to various medical sites that sell viagra and cialis. At first I thought it was a mistake because it was like a mass email he sent to 10 or 20 other people. But now the emails are just from him to me. It's nothing, no subject, no other words just a link to various pharmacies that sell those kinds of drugs. The recent emails have just been too me. I have ignored them until now.

I really believe my brother displays some very sociopathic behaviour and now I'm just not sure how to deal with him. My concerns is that he's sending these links to give my pc a virus, OR to draw me into an argument and create some drama where there has been relative peace (pun intended). That's just my honest thoughts.

Any thoughts or suggestions?

Freedom1990

It sounds like his computer has a virus that is sending you those emails.

He probably doesn't even realize it.

That's how some of the viruses work.

suki44883

I agree with Freedom. Do not open any of the links and you might want to go so far as to block him from your email. You can let your mother know why you have done so and she can pass the message along to your brother if you want her to. There are other ways he can get in touch with you if he wants to talk with you.

Still Waters

This. Other people are probably getting them too.

Zencat

Yep, there's a very good chance this is happening.

Krys

Change your email password and safeguard your account however your email provider will let you. This happened to me a few months ago and it turned out to be a virus that killed my computer. I have new one now! Run scans with whatever virus protection you have.

BohemiMamaof3

Thanks, that is what I was thinking. My Mom thinks I am being unreasonable, unforgiving, but really there is nothing to forgive, just his sickness. I am not mad at him for saying he doesn't want any contact with me. I am not mad at him for the lying. It's all a part of his problems with the addictions. It's actually been a relief to step back and love him from afar.

I visited here(SR) during the time the thick of the drama of him getting released from the hospital, and making his way back to the East Coast. I posted about his lies and such, as I was always so perplexed by the lies, the far out ones (not the 'simple' ones about his using). What struck me is this advice someone posted about giving our addicted loved ones the dignity to make their own choices. Someone even posted something like one day asking my Abrother how he would like me to answer people that come to me to verify information. Wow, that gave me pause, but you know in a way, as I try to working on detaching more and more, it makes perfect sense. I'm not sure if I could have such a sane conversation with him about that, but it would be cool if I could.

BohemiMamaof3

I'm bumping this up because my ABrother called me yesterday. I asked him if everything was OK, and he said it was, and I told him I couldn't talk right then because I was still at work (screaming kids in the background - I am a preschool teacher and was on the playground with 30-40 of the little ones). I told him when I got off work, if he wanted to call then. He said fine, but didn't call.

Well, since I'd heard from him, I thought to take a look at his facebook page, I haven't in awhile. I see a post he wrote to someone saying he was on a plane while writing them, on the way to a business opening, and he owned a couple of businesses. All a bunch of baloney.

So this confirmed to me that I need to remain several 'steps back' from him and his situations. I just don't need to be around his nonsense and lies since nothing has changed for him.

This feels right for me. But I still have a tiny voice of guilt, like I should be there for him no matter what.
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BTW, thanks for the advice and education about the weird emails from him. Makes sense.

Spiritual Seeker

it is okay to detach...

BohemiMamaof3

Thanks I needed that.

I was speaking to my DH earlier today and he said something that made sense. He said something like, say 10 years from now Abrother is on his deathbed, wouldn't it have been better to talk to him during the now few and far between times he calls? He said, if your brother calls, you could talk to him and extend the courtesy you'd extend to anyone, even a stranger on the street. Nothing more nothing less. Then the door is open, but you don't have to call him or seek him out. Just be polite if he seeks you out, nothing more nothing less. That made a light bulb go off for me. That is something I can live with.

This might seem like common sense to some people, but for me (and maybe for others?) with codie boundary issues, I struggle with what is right and what is appropriate. When I've been guilty of doing too much, then there was/is a time when no contact at all is the right thing to do. I suppose then there are times when it's o.k. to have some contact.

peaceteach

It's really likely also, BohemiMama, that you are giving this WAY more thought than your brother is...a real codie tendency. Keep the focus on YOU, remember. Your husband sound special

BohemiMamaof3

So true! I needed to "hear" that.