Focusing Back on Healing
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Focusing Back on Healing
So after one LONNNNG month. I am taking steps again to keep recovering. I blocked his number, which I thought I could never do. and I'm scheduling in some therapy!
More details later. I hope everyone is having a peaceful day.
More details later. I hope everyone is having a peaceful day.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: PM me
Posts: 324
I've just been very busy with finals, my last fashion show, moving, and now the death in the family.
Blocking xabf's # is going to really help. I did occasionally talk to him. I don't regret it though and I felt in those conversations I have gained some peace.
He begged me to give another chance. He was of course very sweet to get what he wanted, me back. However, I was smart enough to realize that nothing had changed and won't until he is in treatment. Its hard when you want to believe him - he wants to believe he has it under control. Which every addict seems to believe...even to their death. Its weird how they go back and forth between acknowledging there is a problem and denying it to themselves as well. Sometimes even in the same day! LOL.
He tried to be supportive, as I was text messaging him as he was trying to convince me to come over..and I found out the news of my uncle. Its weird this whole situation has kind of helped put things in perspective. Why would I want to be around an alcoholic?!!! He's not my family, although I do love him very much. I have no business being around him. Although it is nice spending time together and being sweet, but that doesn't change the fact that he hasn't gotten help. He'll be done with school in the fall and he said if does go to treatment it will be after he's done with school. There is no point to be around for the moments when he doubts himself and getting treatment. I thought I could gently tip the scales of contemplation. But at this point, the seed has already been planted. And I've known the best thing to do is to walk away, let him hit bottom, etc. But I wasn't quite strong enough to go as far as blocking his number.
I thought about what if he decided to go, how would get ahold of me?
What if an emergency happened, would his family contact me?
But this is about protecting my sanity. It is extremely disheartening carry on a conversation with someone and realize they are sitting around drunk or high making drug deals all day just to get by. For so long my feelings about all of this were treated as unfair, judgemental..etc ya all know the drill.
But I told him just before I blocked him cuz he started talking about drugs...
I have no judgements, you do what you want. But IIIIIIIII cannot talk about this. IIIII do not want to do this, hear about your weekend in the woods.
And I know that to him it probably does feel like rejection, value judgements, etc. I wouldn't want anyone to feel this. But its not my problem.
And I am become more sure of myself to realize that as long as I know how I mean things and my intentions, that's all that matters.
It's simple. I don't want to hear about drug/ alcohol abuse or be a part of it any way, shape, or form. And if that means we may never speak again I guess that's how it has to be. In a weird way the death in the family has allowed me to realize again what an amazing, loving family I have. And I will be okay. It hasn't been easy and won't be. I'll miss him, but I'll be much be off not talking. PERIOD. I got my clarity, my word out, and we both understand that we care. So I am more comfortable doing this.
I did contact his family again. And I just said I lost someone to addiction this week, K is fine...I just am really continuing on working cutting ties...care about him deeply etc etc I hope u can understand. I'm not trying to worry you, bother u etc. Here is my number. He maybe angry with me, make up stories, etc and delete my number. God forbid something happens, but I want to be there. So that helps me walk away, knowing that it is clear how much I care, and if something were to happen I could be there.
I have a feeling he may attempt suicide. Who knows though, he's so highly functioning.
Sorry that was so long, just processing "out loud"
Blocking xabf's # is going to really help. I did occasionally talk to him. I don't regret it though and I felt in those conversations I have gained some peace.
He begged me to give another chance. He was of course very sweet to get what he wanted, me back. However, I was smart enough to realize that nothing had changed and won't until he is in treatment. Its hard when you want to believe him - he wants to believe he has it under control. Which every addict seems to believe...even to their death. Its weird how they go back and forth between acknowledging there is a problem and denying it to themselves as well. Sometimes even in the same day! LOL.
He tried to be supportive, as I was text messaging him as he was trying to convince me to come over..and I found out the news of my uncle. Its weird this whole situation has kind of helped put things in perspective. Why would I want to be around an alcoholic?!!! He's not my family, although I do love him very much. I have no business being around him. Although it is nice spending time together and being sweet, but that doesn't change the fact that he hasn't gotten help. He'll be done with school in the fall and he said if does go to treatment it will be after he's done with school. There is no point to be around for the moments when he doubts himself and getting treatment. I thought I could gently tip the scales of contemplation. But at this point, the seed has already been planted. And I've known the best thing to do is to walk away, let him hit bottom, etc. But I wasn't quite strong enough to go as far as blocking his number.
I thought about what if he decided to go, how would get ahold of me?
What if an emergency happened, would his family contact me?
But this is about protecting my sanity. It is extremely disheartening carry on a conversation with someone and realize they are sitting around drunk or high making drug deals all day just to get by. For so long my feelings about all of this were treated as unfair, judgemental..etc ya all know the drill.
But I told him just before I blocked him cuz he started talking about drugs...
I have no judgements, you do what you want. But IIIIIIIII cannot talk about this. IIIII do not want to do this, hear about your weekend in the woods.
And I know that to him it probably does feel like rejection, value judgements, etc. I wouldn't want anyone to feel this. But its not my problem.
And I am become more sure of myself to realize that as long as I know how I mean things and my intentions, that's all that matters.
It's simple. I don't want to hear about drug/ alcohol abuse or be a part of it any way, shape, or form. And if that means we may never speak again I guess that's how it has to be. In a weird way the death in the family has allowed me to realize again what an amazing, loving family I have. And I will be okay. It hasn't been easy and won't be. I'll miss him, but I'll be much be off not talking. PERIOD. I got my clarity, my word out, and we both understand that we care. So I am more comfortable doing this.
I did contact his family again. And I just said I lost someone to addiction this week, K is fine...I just am really continuing on working cutting ties...care about him deeply etc etc I hope u can understand. I'm not trying to worry you, bother u etc. Here is my number. He maybe angry with me, make up stories, etc and delete my number. God forbid something happens, but I want to be there. So that helps me walk away, knowing that it is clear how much I care, and if something were to happen I could be there.
I have a feeling he may attempt suicide. Who knows though, he's so highly functioning.
Sorry that was so long, just processing "out loud"
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I'm bumping this! i'm so proud of myself! I honestly never thought I could block his calls and texts....I bet Suki and Anvil and everyone will be proud!
It's weird, I feel relieved. Its amazing how the acceptance just keeps running deeper and deeper. Its a gradual process, that whole letting go thing.
I still love him and I am very happy that he finally understands that I do. And I have so many things to figure out and explore. A whole life to live and enjoy. And life is a ride enough as is. Without the added stress of trying to convince someone to help themselves, no matter how subtle the attempts are. Its still heart wrenching and frustrating.
Its funny it didn't take something really nasty to happen in order for me to block his number....all those painful times I never did. He was actually trying to be supportive about the death in my family. He mentioned drugs once and then the next day I said I hope ur bottom isn't death...and he was just carrying on his addict business as if nothing had happened, really. And that was what did it for me.
Getting messed up was more important than checking on me the next day, or responding lovingly to my reasonable concerns about someone ELSE dying from addiction. It upset me, and I began to see in the context of what was going on how stupid it was to upset over someone that I wasn't obligated to care about. How could I let someone else's choices make me feel worse on top of the REAL sad things in the world?
I don't know it all becomes more and more immature. Sort of like going back to grandma's house to the first time in years and feeling like a giant. Shocked at how small everything seems, when once it felt larger than life.
That's how it continues to get as reality and acceptance set in more and more upon the situation with xabf.... I've got muscles now. And I can take him out. That's the benefit working through tough things SOBER. You get to grow, instead of becoming a man-child with atrophied emotional muscles.
Boo-hoo. Like Sia said and titled her album (forever love her for her song Girl You Lost To Cocaine) Some People Have Real Problems.
It's weird, I feel relieved. Its amazing how the acceptance just keeps running deeper and deeper. Its a gradual process, that whole letting go thing.
I still love him and I am very happy that he finally understands that I do. And I have so many things to figure out and explore. A whole life to live and enjoy. And life is a ride enough as is. Without the added stress of trying to convince someone to help themselves, no matter how subtle the attempts are. Its still heart wrenching and frustrating.
Its funny it didn't take something really nasty to happen in order for me to block his number....all those painful times I never did. He was actually trying to be supportive about the death in my family. He mentioned drugs once and then the next day I said I hope ur bottom isn't death...and he was just carrying on his addict business as if nothing had happened, really. And that was what did it for me.
Getting messed up was more important than checking on me the next day, or responding lovingly to my reasonable concerns about someone ELSE dying from addiction. It upset me, and I began to see in the context of what was going on how stupid it was to upset over someone that I wasn't obligated to care about. How could I let someone else's choices make me feel worse on top of the REAL sad things in the world?
I don't know it all becomes more and more immature. Sort of like going back to grandma's house to the first time in years and feeling like a giant. Shocked at how small everything seems, when once it felt larger than life.
That's how it continues to get as reality and acceptance set in more and more upon the situation with xabf.... I've got muscles now. And I can take him out. That's the benefit working through tough things SOBER. You get to grow, instead of becoming a man-child with atrophied emotional muscles.
Boo-hoo. Like Sia said and titled her album (forever love her for her song Girl You Lost To Cocaine) Some People Have Real Problems.
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yay, mary, you are so on your way! i know you have been for awhile, but it's like you were living and breathing on your own, yet you hadn't cut that cord. and now you did!
sorry about your uncle. death...life...it's all related.
sorry about your uncle. death...life...it's all related.
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thank you! I felt as if I was shouted I did it! And no one heard. lol.
The uncle thing is okay, the worst part is seeing my family upset, but at least we still have each other.
And now I'm scared of the dark. I hope that goes away cuz its embarrassing!
The uncle thing is okay, the worst part is seeing my family upset, but at least we still have each other.
And now I'm scared of the dark. I hope that goes away cuz its embarrassing!
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 594
Hi Mary! I'm so glad you blocked him. I felt so relieved when I finally did that too. I went through the same "what if" emotions before I did it, but when I did, I felt completely relieved. I think it just gave me back a lot of peace. I hadn't realized that I was always a little on edge preparing for the next horrible text or phone call.
Congratulations!
Congratulations!
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