TakingCharge999

NOT AGAIN!!

Well it had been weeks before engaging and now for some reason seeing him again very smiley and laughing etc really got me.

Oh wait.

He is still around and its getting hard not to pay attention to his hysterical laugh!

Did I mention I will try KICKBOXING today?


I dont know, I guess if there had been some kind of in between it may not hurt as much. The fact he has been like that and had like NO mourning in between me and someone else hurts a great deal.

Pardon me while I self brain wash:


He is not who I met. He still has HYDE.
XABF is laughing.
XABF is STILL drinking.
And its ok.

I am safe.
Clouds pass.
I breathe.
The sun shines.
My life goes on.
My life is better without him.

I chose to leave and stay away.
I choose to work here for ME.
I can choose how I feel.
I can move on.

THIS will pass.
I miss the friend who was, that's all.
My ego is hurt, that's all.
I can heal.

REPEAT..



Deep breaths........... man do I want it to be 830 so I can star kicking like crazy !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anger wave, I didnt see you coming!!!!!!!! Triggers suck. I was doing so well today my stomach is turning.

Learn2Live

I wish you could get away from him for good.

TakingCharge999

Me too L2L.

As it is I talked at length with my dad and his wife and I got more motivated to leave this country.

I have been working harder and have set some career goals for myself.

So at least I can think this is all temporary and one day I will just say "thank you" and leave with my cats and hope for a better standard of living !!

In any case its better to feel angry than sad. Man I am sooooo dissapointed with myself. WHEN will it end?

OK let me see if I can concentrate on a job related task...

TakingCharge999

Oh wait, I didnt take my Bach flowers today.

As it is there is a surprise bonus being paid tomorrow. So I will get some $$ to make an appointment !! ***** !! Thanks God for giving me the tools to move on.

Those may be a placebo or whatever but I truly stop "caring" and engaging in the past when I take them. I feel so free with that therapy and more present in the NOW. NOT with my mind and heart in September 2008.


Cant control him
Cant cure him
Didnt cause what he did
Didnt cause what he said

Did the best I could.



Thanks. I turned on my Goa CD so I am not sure if he is still around but I don't hear him so I feel MUCH better.


Its like one puts something to rest then comes a trigger that makes it all so real and dissapointing and horrible, I recalled all those bad times I passed. And I feel like a failure for feeling so much for someone who hasn't given a DAMN for a long time.


I feel he is more intelligent because he "lives life to the fullest" and "knows how to be happy" and I feel I lack that. How sick and twisted is that?


Its good God sent me a small bonus, he knows I need it for therapy, flowers, straitjacket :rotfxko

TakingCharge999

Maybe if I think of what I will do with the bonus.


Repair camera.
Go to the dentist.
Go to RF session.
Oh
Wait - wait

SPA ????? new shoes ??? hair extensions ??
Ok. Whew. Feel much better. Thanks for letting me vent in a safe place.

Jadmack25

Quote ((I feel he is more intelligent because he "lives life to the fullest" and "knows how to be happy" )).

Where did you get that whacky idea from?

He Lives life to the fullest alright, fullest glass, bottle, whatever.
Knows how to be happy.....hell can be happy for someone who doesn't know it is hell.

Happy is not necessarily laughing and all that jazz.

Happy can be quiet contentment, simple pleasures and pride at your achievements.

I doubt if he is any happier or his life one bit fuller, than what it has always been....and while he drinks etc, it never will be.

Try looking the other way, when he is around or tell yourself he is just pretending he's fine, and really he is pitiful.

God bless

NoSpaceCamp

I don't know how well you know this guy, but for my exAbf, the laughing and the "put together" joviality, the friendly demeanor and the getting along with everyone was ONE BIG ACT. He wasn't happy. He was miserable. The "happy" dude other people saw was nothing like the guy that I lived with for all those years.

Mine "moved on" from our 9 year relationship in less than a week. New GF in less than 7 days, after we were together all that time. I never saw him "mourn" a single thing during the time we were together: He medicated all the feelings away then, of course he was going to do the same thing when we split.

I know it hurts to see it, but try and remember this "him" probably isn't "him", and it isn't about you *at all*. It's about him, and if he's an active addict, "him" is a pretty shallow thing.

stilllearning

TakingCharge, I really don't know how you work with him and stay sane at all - that would trigger me into next year and I'm in awe that you manage as well as you do.

If he's circling at the moment, maybe it's because you look AWESOME and RADIANT (I love the new profile pic) and he feels moved to do the strutty peacock thing with his chest puffed out that my XABF used to do.

He's a mosquito - small but really irritating.

SL.

sclarke64448

Hey TC, it's been a long time we've seen each other on here! Stay strong! We're both better off without!! Thinking of you my lovely xxxx

NYC_Chick

I read your posts and understand your pain, but, and I don't mean to sound harsh, you are doing all of this to yourself. You have been mourning him longer than you were with him. You are now living with a new man, whether you are happy with him is another story. Since you are also in a different place, why does it matter if he did not mourn the relationship? Also, who cares if he is happy? We all have that right, alcoholic or not. He's not doing anything to you that you do not allow. You will be free when you move on from him. You will be free when you start focusing on you and what you are doing with your life. I get it's hard to work with someone you have broken up with. I have been there and did it for a year after the break up. My choice was to be happy and get over him. He also moved on quick, but that didn't meani had to be miserable. Your life, your choice.

TakingCharge999

Thanks all!

NYC chick I am focusing on my life and I am finally starting to love it very much.
That doesnt' prevent me from feeling things when there is a trigger. Denying my anger has not served me well in the past. I prefer to say "yup I am angry" then maybe that takes me to some action....

I am happy now -well of course I got my days and moments and got several issues like anyone else- but overall between me and HP I feel very grateful and alive.

It may be difficult to understand for the ones who haven't seen their exes almost daily after their breakup.



As it is he is back again and having a party for more than an hour. I am squeezing a stress ball and writing out my anger.


I also sent my complaint to the Director saying "there is a lot of noise on this floor"

I believe its disrespectful to my work and others'. Why not go to a bar or cafeteria if they got no work to do?


Anyway I went to kickboxing yesterday and it was GREAT !! dancing today.



NYC chick, come to think of it, I get what you mean. Maybe I sounded defensive earlier. IT seems some part of me still wants to react to him. I liked the part "no one cares" thanks for that. I am noticing its also some resentment on me because I work my a$$ off, and he does NOTHING but is better paid! So him laughing around is like highlighting this fact.


Ugh.

But I feel better now that I expressed my opinion.

LaTeeDa

I get what you're saying, TC. I've got people at work (not my ex) who seem to actually take pleasure in pushing my buttons. It's like they get off on getting a reaction from me. But, in the end, they don't control my reaction--I do. No matter how jerky, insensitive, egotistical, or bullying someone else is, my reaction to it is on me. It's really hard to deal with those triggers, and I'm still working on it, but I am getting better. I think squeezing the stress ball and writing out your feelings is a healthy reaction to the anger. Hopefully, we will both get to a point someday where we can quietly laugh at arrogance instead of being triggered into anger by it.

L

TakingCharge999

But I feel better now that I expressed my opinion. <- to the boss

Deep breathe.
He is gone. YAY

TakingCharge999

Thanks guys for still sticking to it when I go "broken record like"

You know writing this out I noticed something important.

When I have been able to let go or have not been affected at all by his presence (or just like "huh there he is.. ugh..oh well, whatever" then no more thoughts about it) it has been in the elevator or walking outside, etc. Or when there is not so much stress at work and I am not doing anything that requires concentration.

YAY! I guess that's it, I'm bothered because of those $$$ differences, and because sometimes I'm multitasking to have someone having a party in the cubicle next to me!! maybe its NOT about personal stuff!! and yes I also get angry when others are also going loud in the office not necessarily when its "HIM"


*****!!!!!! OK Im still trying to control others but at least its a more generic thing!!!! small victory lol.


Guess what the bonus I got today is much better than what I expected !! I will be able to travel with my mom to Oaxaca, and will be able to pay for therapy !!!!!! and go to a concert this Sunday of Eros Ramazotti (I love many of his songs).

I got a long way ahead of me but I no longer feel alone or hopeless. THANKS.

NYC_Chick

I am not saying you should suppress anything. You should get it all out, but you should also move forward at some point. If I remember right, you were with him 8 months. You have been getting over him for 17 months. That's a long time for you to think, worry and focus on someone else.

I was with the ex I worked with for a year. We both did hair. Our station were back to back. He broke up with me, then got very nasty whe I would not continue on with any relationship. The whole ugly truth is that he was married, but separated for months before we started dating. They had a son. Custody got very ugly. He went back yo her but wanted something on the side with me. I refused. We shared clients. He got very passive/aggressive. Tension all around. About a month later, he began sleeping with another girl in the salon. Still living with his wife. They both flaunted the relationship. I saw pictures in her work area of them kissing. I moved my station, but he was still 10 feet away. The truth was I loved him very much and cried for six months straight. Each day before going into work, I would sit in the car before going in and pray to God to give me strength to get through the day. He did. I also had a wonderful friend with horses. I began to ride with her each day and on weekends. It was my safe place and my serenity. I also had another friend in the salon who would dress me up in her fancy designer clothes and tell me, "never let him see you down." There were days I would go cry outside or in the bathroom, but not in front of him. My point is I made a choice to heal and I did. I gave him a year of my life and that's all he was going to get. How much more are you willing to give xabf?

TakingCharge999

anvil, I know you lived something similar with an ex and new partner in your same office. How much time did you have to face it.. ? were you able to move on while living that or did circumstances change in your life ... ?

TakingCharge999

Yes thats also some more anger, when I say why? i got many things going on for myself, why should I even be in SR ?? writing about someone like that ??



I got an appointment with my therapist Friday 8 PM.
Also I have found myself irritable. A friend agreed to recommend me an Acupunture specialist and said they could also treat it....... NOW I can give it a shot.

Today

mesotherapy
dancing
bach flowers
calling mom

Now between his distractions and my posting in SR hours have passed so Ill check back in later.

TakingCharge999

Oh I re read the posts... ALL of them helped me... thanks.
Abot noise> I got a response from the General Director secretary:


Thank you for sharing!! I’d love to talk to you in person. I’m in YYYYYYYYYY today, but let’s talk tomorrow 9:30 AM… Can you go to my office?

I agree with you and I think something needs to be done.
Regards!



YAY now I can complain with Someone! My codie self feels bad for "making noise" and bringing attention to something that bothers me ... but I will do it anyway...

TakingCharge999

Thanks LTD, I thought you were going to kick my a$$ .

he feels moved to do the strutty peacock thing with his chest puffed out that my XABF used to do.

LOL !

I look quite nice today and wanted XABF to see me but then said why? why that sick part of me. Why does it matter? it only matters that I approve of myself.

I always look great anyway, and he already knows it, so it would be like stating the obvious.

OK enough. No more thoughts/talking about him. Im going NC!

TakingCharge999

I got a great afternoon planned for myself !