transformyself

I posted awhile back about an incident with my father where he shot at my toddler and I. My dad is one of the reasons I have PTSD.

Both he and my mother are coming to town next week and I've been triggered beyond belief. please send up prayers for myself and my children. They've gone to stay with AH for now, at least until Tuesday when I have my first actual treatment for the PTSD. Until now in therapy, I've been giving background information about my childhood to the therapist, which according to her is one of the other contributing factors to this state of extreame anxiety I'm experiencing. It's dibilitating and can barely be handled with medication.

I know this isn't a PTSD forum and my issue are resented and ridiculed by some, (specifically LTD's "something to think about" thread, which she told me was in response to my thread about my father shooting at us) but there are some of you are also very kind and supportive. So it's from the supportive folks that I ask for prayers.

barb dwyer

*prayers*

Kittyboo

I am sending you much strength!!

Is this a situation where you MUST see your father?

greebobeebo

Sending prayers, hugs and positive vibes your way.

posiesperson

Oh transform, my heart goes out to you and your children. I hope your therapist is well-versed in PTSD and treatments for that...?

HUGS.

Wishing you peace and safety,
posie

transformyself

Thank you everyone. I am hoping that since we're actually going to start the EMDR tomorrow that it'll take care of some of this. I haven't been this hysterical for years and am quite frightened, actually thought about checking myself in last night, but called my therapist and she told me to keep taking the ******* clonipin all though I believe it makes the anxiety worse when I stop taking it.

You have no idea how badly I want this to end. I've been working on healing for about 4 years, its the reason I started with this new person.

Kittyboo

You will get through this. If you think back to every thing in life that you have come face to face with and you are still standing....I believe there is nothing you can't handle.

JenT1968

hey there, do you have to see them? doesn't sound like it does you any good, or is it that he'll be "around" that is ramping up your anxiety? in which case can you go for a mini-vacation somewhere for some of the week?

I don't pray, but i'll hold you in my thoughts. (())

TakingCharge999

do you have to see any one of them ? I wouldn't see them if I had a choice.

Hugs, transform. Breathe deeply. Remember you continue to improve, no matter what.

transformyself

Thanks everyone

transformyself

I don't have to see my mother, have avoided her for 20 years. And I'm hoping the EMDR fixes my aversion to my dad, but who knows. I"m mainly concerned about my kids. Thank you for your prayers.

NYC_Chick

Prayers to you for this and also to let go of past resentments. They only hold you back! Hugs!

JoeVet

Under those circumstances I would consider treating myself to a week at an anonymous room at a motel 6 or Holiday Inn. Kids love hotel rooms and you can miss the drama of a visit by the hill billies. Good luck.

sparklinbluz

My prayers and thoughts go out to you and your children - but I dont understand why do u have to see them. Is your father in recovery? It doesnt sound safe or healthy for you. Listen to your gut and instincts and make sure you are in a safe place during the meeting. stay strong u will get through this please keep us posted.

transformyself

thank you thank you for the hugs and prayers.

The physical trigger (shaking, pacing, talking to myself, some vomiting-great time!) has subsided and I actually slept last night. Now I"m more nervous about the EMDR treatment today. Mainly scared that it won't work.

I talked to the kids again last night, they're fine, and AH is checking in on me every so often, being very supportive.

95% of my life is wonderful. Really. But when this freaking stuff happens to me, it engulfs everything, my brain, my heart, my ability to function. It's a bit baffling to me, how I can work hard, change myself, be mostly normal but when this kicks in that all goes out the window. It helps that my therapist wants me to apply for disability. She said I should have done it long ago. Somehow that validates it for me that, yes, I am a little bit crazy and this thing is real.

The thing that I noticed the most is that with PTSD, I have a lot of anger (to put it mildly) but when that's stripped away I"m just terrified. For the last week I"ve been scared to death, literally, of being around my parents.

No, I do not have to see them. If I have to, I'll send the kids with my sister to see my Dad. My mother has never been in their lives so that's not an option.

I like JoeVets suggestion of vacationing at a hotel for the week. My dad doesn't know where I live, though, and won't be coming by. If I need to, I'll send him a message that he's not welcome. But I'll wait to sort that out wtih the therapist.

Therapy is at 10am today. Thank you again for your prayers and hugs.

Gold

Lot and lots and lots of cyberhugs during this challenging time.

barb dwyer

That was a good description of what hapens when we're triggered. Thanks for that.

I get this .. I call it .. the 'awning' feeling ... as if you've got the bill of your hat pulled down too far - but there's no hat.. just like something very dark is perched just above your eyes.




Too bad you can't take the kids to disneyland!!!

SecretLife

Thanks for being so thorough on your needs. My prayers are with you. It's already Tuesday, and I'm sorry I didn't find this sooner, but pray for a joyous reunion with your children, and a peaceful place in your heart...

Keep posting.
Kim

iloveme

yum-yum

food for thought, needed this today!