Curiosity killed the cat - need advice
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
He swore he would tell me first if he wanted to be with someone else. And I believed him
The one thing that is sure is that I'm going to therapy again to consult on this issue...the therapist said, if anything happens once, one has to talk about it... if it happens twice, you need to clarify the point again.. if it happens the third time then its time to think if its a dealbreaker.
In terms of cheating or seeing other women, I think this is a first.
TC,
I feel uniquely qualified to bring to attention what you mention.
No time have I EVER questioned a man about cheating, brought the subject up or had any inclination "feeling" about it and turned out I was mistaken. Where there is smoke, there is fire...He may not have done anything physical yet, but he is opening the door. That is what L did, open the door and the woman took over from there. And he let her and blames her, and me, but HE opened the door.
We women know these things. We codies know these things. BUT, we choose to ignore them.
Cheating is a different ball game than drinking and I hope that you never experience what I did.
Men replace and women mourn, or so I have always heard regarding the downturn of a relationship.
You have mentioned several times having talks with him about your unhappiness in the relationship. He knows you wanted him to move out. He isn't a fool and I would wager that he is making connections if and when you guys split. Some women do this, MANY men do this. I have seen it in my friends, family and exes. When someone is being taken care of, they need a new caretaker if the old one starts not doing what they used to do. From your posts, you have taken care of him from the get go with him bringing very little to the table.
I am not trying to be an alarmist, but he is not being straight with you and there is a reason whether he admits it or not.
The one thing that is sure is that I'm going to therapy again to consult on this issue...the therapist said, if anything happens once, one has to talk about it... if it happens twice, you need to clarify the point again.. if it happens the third time then its time to think if its a dealbreaker.
In terms of cheating or seeing other women, I think this is a first.
TC,
I feel uniquely qualified to bring to attention what you mention.
No time have I EVER questioned a man about cheating, brought the subject up or had any inclination "feeling" about it and turned out I was mistaken. Where there is smoke, there is fire...He may not have done anything physical yet, but he is opening the door. That is what L did, open the door and the woman took over from there. And he let her and blames her, and me, but HE opened the door.
We women know these things. We codies know these things. BUT, we choose to ignore them.
Cheating is a different ball game than drinking and I hope that you never experience what I did.
Men replace and women mourn, or so I have always heard regarding the downturn of a relationship.
You have mentioned several times having talks with him about your unhappiness in the relationship. He knows you wanted him to move out. He isn't a fool and I would wager that he is making connections if and when you guys split. Some women do this, MANY men do this. I have seen it in my friends, family and exes. When someone is being taken care of, they need a new caretaker if the old one starts not doing what they used to do. From your posts, you have taken care of him from the get go with him bringing very little to the table.
I am not trying to be an alarmist, but he is not being straight with you and there is a reason whether he admits it or not.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
Originally Posted by MissFixit 
He swore he would tell me first if he wanted to be with someone else. And I believed him
The one thing that is sure is that I'm going to therapy again to consult on this issue...the therapist said, if anything happens once, one has to talk about it... if it happens twice, you need to clarify the point again.. if it happens the third time then its time to think if its a dealbreaker.
In terms of cheating or seeing other women, I think this is a first.
TC,
I feel uniquely qualified to bring to attention what you mention.
No time have I EVER questioned a man about cheating, brought the subject up or had any inclination "feeling" about it and turned out I was mistaken. Where there is smoke, there is fire...He may not have done anything physical yet, but he is opening the door. That is what L did, open the door and the woman took over from there. And he let her and blames her, and me, but HE opened the door.
We women know these things. We codies know these things. BUT, we choose to ignore them.
Cheating is a different ball game than drinking and I hope that you never experience what I did.
Men replace and women mourn, or so I have always heard regarding the downturn of a relationship.
You have mentioned several times having talks with him about your unhappiness in the relationship. He knows you wanted him to move out. He isn't a fool and I would wager that he is making connections if and when you guys split. Some women do this, MANY men do this. I have seen it in my friends, family and exes. When someone is being taken care of, they need a new caretaker if the old one starts not doing what they used to do. From your posts, you have taken care of him from the get go with him bringing very little to the table.
I am not trying to be an alarmist, but he is not being straight with you and there is a reason whether he admits it or not.
The one thing that is sure is that I'm going to therapy again to consult on this issue...the therapist said, if anything happens once, one has to talk about it... if it happens twice, you need to clarify the point again.. if it happens the third time then its time to think if its a dealbreaker.
In terms of cheating or seeing other women, I think this is a first.
TC,
I feel uniquely qualified to bring to attention what you mention.
No time have I EVER questioned a man about cheating, brought the subject up or had any inclination "feeling" about it and turned out I was mistaken. Where there is smoke, there is fire...He may not have done anything physical yet, but he is opening the door. That is what L did, open the door and the woman took over from there. And he let her and blames her, and me, but HE opened the door.
We women know these things. We codies know these things. BUT, we choose to ignore them.
Cheating is a different ball game than drinking and I hope that you never experience what I did.
Men replace and women mourn, or so I have always heard regarding the downturn of a relationship.
You have mentioned several times having talks with him about your unhappiness in the relationship. He knows you wanted him to move out. He isn't a fool and I would wager that he is making connections if and when you guys split. Some women do this, MANY men do this. I have seen it in my friends, family and exes. When someone is being taken care of, they need a new caretaker if the old one starts not doing what they used to do. From your posts, you have taken care of him from the get go with him bringing very little to the table.
I am not trying to be an alarmist, but he is not being straight with you and there is a reason whether he admits it or not.
Cheating is seriously the most painful thing
Sunny Side Up
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
If you re-read your posts, you have actually answered all your own questions...
I do this sometimes, write my thoughts down in a post but then I Blank it all out because Ive done the same thing. Answered my own questions.
At the end of it though, Its up to you whether you take your own advice or not.
I do this sometimes, write my thoughts down in a post but then I Blank it all out because Ive done the same thing. Answered my own questions.
At the end of it though, Its up to you whether you take your own advice or not.
A jug fills drop by drop
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Funny how its easier to see other situations and when it is one's life its like "what? what elephant in the room????"
By midnight I'll be leaving this town! I am happy but got sooo much to do today.
BF has been VERY nice and it remind me of the gaslighting comment.
I am planning to dettach from anything else that is not me and how much I can enjoy the present moment. In my family there is a LOT going on! guess where I learned??
Thanks for all your comments and I hope you don't think I dismissed them. I need to read all this thread again but I'll do that when I come back.
Hope you all have a great week and weekend regardless of what any other human being is thinking, saying, feeling or doing.
By midnight I'll be leaving this town! I am happy but got sooo much to do today.
BF has been VERY nice and it remind me of the gaslighting comment.
I am planning to dettach from anything else that is not me and how much I can enjoy the present moment. In my family there is a LOT going on! guess where I learned??
Thanks for all your comments and I hope you don't think I dismissed them. I need to read all this thread again but I'll do that when I come back.
Hope you all have a great week and weekend regardless of what any other human being is thinking, saying, feeling or doing.
A jug fills drop by drop
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Ok so I go to work, come back home
BF hasn't paid the internet or phone
BF hasn't paid the gas.
Ok we didn't expressly agreed on that but he KNEW we had to do it today before leaving.
So I ask permission from work to come home early and keep working.
The apartment is even more messy than it was. And he knows a neighbor will come tend the cats. What did he do? watch the news all morning.
He asks about phone/Internet billing and it turns out we have to pay the DOUBLE fee because he missed the pay deadlines.
I got to finish so many things at work I may bring my laptop with me to my holiday. Well OK. Will ease my tension today.
I want to go to the bathroom and..
its dirty, for the 6th time I think
Can someone slap me????? isn't anyone living or planning to visit MX so you can shake me hard and see me to reason????
I think the last situation is more than ENOUGH to break up with someone.
Anyway I am breathing.
Will take the keys to neighbor and ask her not to see the mess.
Will do as much as I can work wise.
Will pack my bags.
Maybe I get to go to my dance lesson...
Will take a bath.
Wear earplugs and bring a book for the night trip.
Let it all go, just do what I can. Now. No drama I just know all this is temporary. Sheesh.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
I'm sorry. I hope you enjoy your trip. Some one here posted to me about permissions. I found it helpful.
You have permission to stop this relationship no matter the good things he does or does not do. It doesn't matter. You have permission to end it just because you want to. You don't need reasons.
You have permission to insist he leave your house just because it is yours. It doesn't matter what he did or did not do. You have permission to choose. He's an adult. He'll figure it out.
I hope the next few days offer you some peace and a respite from it all!
You have permission to stop this relationship no matter the good things he does or does not do. It doesn't matter. You have permission to end it just because you want to. You don't need reasons.
You have permission to insist he leave your house just because it is yours. It doesn't matter what he did or did not do. You have permission to choose. He's an adult. He'll figure it out.
I hope the next few days offer you some peace and a respite from it all!
A jug fills drop by drop
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Thanks! yes anvil. Trips are stressful.
The neighbor wanted to come meet the cats NOW! I told her my BF was in boxers. And what about 8pm? she agreed...
Way to make an impression. I barely know her.
I told BF he is not well period and he doesn't even care to go to a doc. He said the toilet doesnt work well LOL!! can we say ALTERNATE UNIVERSE!
I mean I am not precisely the cleanest gal in town but ughhhhhhhh so I can't even go to my own bathroom!?
Sorry all.
The neighbor wanted to come meet the cats NOW! I told her my BF was in boxers. And what about 8pm? she agreed...
Way to make an impression. I barely know her.
I told BF he is not well period and he doesn't even care to go to a doc. He said the toilet doesnt work well
LOL!! can we say ALTERNATE UNIVERSE!I mean I am not precisely the cleanest gal in town but ughhhhhhhh so I can't even go to my own bathroom!?
Sorry all.
A jug fills drop by drop
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
I am hearing how he does the dishes.
Well at least he is doing something.
I asked him why hasn't he picked up anything if he knows someone is coming soon? he said he was "making calls" and "doing things I wouldn't understand"
Studying Astrophysics?
Sorry. Ah the patterns...
Well at least he is doing something.
I asked him why hasn't he picked up anything if he knows someone is coming soon? he said he was "making calls" and "doing things I wouldn't understand"
Studying Astrophysics?Sorry. Ah the patterns...
A jug fills drop by drop
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Oh I realized my anger also comes because I assumed he would be staying here so I didn't plan on Cleaning Everything in One Hour.
So my anger stems from depending on someone then Said Someone changing the plans and making a stressful day MORE stressful.
My anger stems from not being able to trust.
My anger stems because this is not the first time I choose a JELL O DEMANDING its stable and solid!! WHY cant it be stable and solid and nutritious??????
Now BF is starting to clean. Yup like the child that asks for Mom to arrive and get angry to move a foot.
This is exhausting. I hope one day I actually choose an Adult to share life with.
So my anger stems from depending on someone then Said Someone changing the plans and making a stressful day MORE stressful.
My anger stems from not being able to trust.
My anger stems because this is not the first time I choose a JELL O DEMANDING its stable and solid!! WHY cant it be stable and solid and nutritious??????
Now BF is starting to clean. Yup like the child that asks for Mom to arrive and get angry to move a foot.
This is exhausting. I hope one day I actually choose an Adult to share life with.
A jug fills drop by drop
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Yeah I was incuding myself in the Adult category.
Also I foresee what will happen.
It will be great. And I will be busy doing stuff or just being me at home with the cats.
I will have less and less time to spend with said BF. I will taste what freedom and serenity is. And we will break up and I will mourn in a safe place and won't have constant gaslight or stress at home as I'd had if I broke up now.
Also I foresee what will happen.
It will be great. And I will be busy doing stuff or just being me at home with the cats.
I will have less and less time to spend with said BF. I will taste what freedom and serenity is. And we will break up and I will mourn in a safe place and won't have constant gaslight or stress at home as I'd had if I broke up now.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
TC, get rid of this jerk before one of us goes thru the roof. He is a loser, a blameshifter, a man so laid back (or damn lazy) he is almost asleep.
Don't know where you got him, BUT please, take him back and get a refund.
What you are describing in your own home, is not living with an equal partner/lover;
it is trying to survive in a teen hell.......can't clean up after himself, whole place a mess, bills left to pay themselves, or you to do so, and double because HE doesn't pay them,
and the bathroom pongs....YUKKIE.
Sounds more like he has you running round and that makes him top dog, so if you want to keep your name.....start now and Take Charge.
God bless
Don't know where you got him, BUT please, take him back and get a refund.
What you are describing in your own home, is not living with an equal partner/lover;
it is trying to survive in a teen hell.......can't clean up after himself, whole place a mess, bills left to pay themselves, or you to do so, and double because HE doesn't pay them,
and the bathroom pongs....YUKKIE.
Sounds more like he has you running round and that makes him top dog, so if you want to keep your name.....start now and Take Charge.
God bless
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Originally Posted by TakingCharge999
Yeah I was incuding myself in the Adult category.
Also I foresee what will happen.
It will be great. And I will be busy doing stuff or just being me at home with the cats.
I will have less and less time to spend with said BF. I will taste what freedom and serenity is. And we will break up and I will mourn in a safe place and won't have constant gaslight or stress at home as I'd had if I broke up now.
Also I foresee what will happen.
It will be great. And I will be busy doing stuff or just being me at home with the cats.
I will have less and less time to spend with said BF. I will taste what freedom and serenity is. And we will break up and I will mourn in a safe place and won't have constant gaslight or stress at home as I'd had if I broke up now.
Well that all sounds good! What are you waiting for?
A jug fills drop by drop
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
I am trying not to make so much horrible drama.
At least now I see things clearly. I wish I had an ounce of this while with XABF.
Can I spend the rest of my life living alone?
In the future... can I see this guy or any other guy I choose... anywhere outside and spend a coupe of hours then go back to my own world? as in "entertain me now" then I am gone?
Can I never marry?
Can I never share my place?
Is it selfish?
I believe I would be incredibly peaceful living in my own space. Not sure if I would feel different about it in the future. I think it has been my happiest times, when I have lived alone and often when I've been single.
Cohabitating seems so incredibly stressful for me, instead of things being easier. Perhaps its the partner choice and with someone else it could be great ? oh well...
Thanks keep the honesty coming.
At least now I see things clearly. I wish I had an ounce of this while with XABF.
Can I spend the rest of my life living alone?
In the future... can I see this guy or any other guy I choose... anywhere outside and spend a coupe of hours then go back to my own world? as in "entertain me now" then I am gone?
Can I never marry?
Can I never share my place?
Is it selfish?
I believe I would be incredibly peaceful living in my own space. Not sure if I would feel different about it in the future. I think it has been my happiest times, when I have lived alone and often when I've been single.
Cohabitating seems so incredibly stressful for me, instead of things being easier. Perhaps its the partner choice and with someone else it could be great ? oh well...
Thanks keep the honesty coming.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Hmm. Money is the devil.
So what is the plan for the money? What can you do to either get more of it, or lesson your bills that does not include him.
I don't actually expect/want an answer here on the board btw.
Just make sure you have a concrete plan to change that ASAP because that is just not good or healthy. He seems like a financial loss not a gain.
Don't worry about it now. Go have fun
So what is the plan for the money? What can you do to either get more of it, or lesson your bills that does not include him.
I don't actually expect/want an answer here on the board btw.
Just make sure you have a concrete plan to change that ASAP because that is just not good or healthy. He seems like a financial loss not a gain. Don't worry about it now. Go have fun
A jug fills drop by drop
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
OK so he called the company again and said it was not double after all.
He is paying half and half of it.
Anyway / anvil I took those roles. And just as I took them I am leaving them.
I hope May/August they give me a bonus at work so that would be enough for me to start planning my escape. This bf is SUPER WORRIED aobut what "others would think" if they saw ME "abandoning him". So I hope just saying I got the means, makes him leave elsewhere even if its with his uncles again............
He is paying half and half of it.
Anyway / anvil I took those roles. And just as I took them I am leaving them.
I hope May/August they give me a bonus at work so that would be enough for me to start planning my escape. This bf is SUPER WORRIED aobut what "others would think" if they saw ME "abandoning him". So I hope just saying I got the means, makes him leave elsewhere even if its with his uncles again............
A jug fills drop by drop
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
He seems like a financial loss not a gain.
Yes he is.
I feel like I am educating him. Like, in how to treat a woman in bed. And a bunch of other stuff.
YUK. Guess who is coming with me to the trip? Melody Beattie and CODIE NO MORE. Maybe something sinks in!!!!!!!
Thanks for the ESH!!
Yes he is.
I feel like I am educating him. Like, in how to treat a woman in bed. And a bunch of other stuff.
YUK. Guess who is coming with me to the trip? Melody Beattie and CODIE NO MORE. Maybe something sinks in!!!!!!!
Thanks for the ESH!!
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