Probability of her breaking NC
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
The probability of her contacting you and announcing that she has drastically changed her character flaws in these past 30 days and will commit to counseling, therapy, groups or what ever it will take to keep her sober and honest and away from seeking attention from other men on my space is probably less then the probability of you going out tonight and buying the winning lottery ticket.
Yes it's only been 30 days but the longer you hold out against surrendering the longer she will occupy your thoughts. More and more of your days/nights will be filled with …...when is she going to call, what is she going to say.......
When what you should be focusing on is letting go..............and all those thoughts do is keep us attached........
Glad you are getting out tonight, that's the trick, keep yourself busy and away from my space!!!!!!!
Yes it's only been 30 days but the longer you hold out against surrendering the longer she will occupy your thoughts. More and more of your days/nights will be filled with …...when is she going to call, what is she going to say.......
When what you should be focusing on is letting go..............and all those thoughts do is keep us attached........
Glad you are getting out tonight, that's the trick, keep yourself busy and away from my space!!!!!!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Anywhere but here...
Posts: 227
I am involved at church. I go to Jazzercise 2 nights a week. I invite new friends over for coffee. I am re-connecting with old friends I let slip by the wayside because he didn't want to socialize in a non-drinking atmosphere. I am hanging out with my family, spending time with my nephews.
And, I am spending time alone with ME. Getting know myself, what I truly want for my life, and not settling for anything less!
tpen, start taking YOUR life back. If you like to fish, go fishing. If you enjoy church, get involved in men's ministry. Talk to your Pastor, he will help find a place for your talents and gifts!
Stay busy, stay focused on your recovery, and leave her to God. He is the only one that can save her.
And, I am spending time alone with ME. Getting know myself, what I truly want for my life, and not settling for anything less!
tpen, start taking YOUR life back. If you like to fish, go fishing. If you enjoy church, get involved in men's ministry. Talk to your Pastor, he will help find a place for your talents and gifts!
Stay busy, stay focused on your recovery, and leave her to God. He is the only one that can save her.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
What is the probability of you believing ANYTHING she'd say to you if she called you?
Be honest. (you don't have to answer here)
My goal in healing was to go from 100% to 0%. To see the facts clearly, in other words.
Be honest. (you don't have to answer here)
My goal in healing was to go from 100% to 0%. To see the facts clearly, in other words.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Denver, CO
Posts: 69
Originally Posted by TakingCharge999 
What is the probability of you believing ANYTHING she'd say to you if she called you?
Even if any of this is the truth, I don't believe him. Probably never will again. And relationships should have a foundation of trust. Even if you want to believe her, I think there will be a part of you that just won't allow it to happen. Especially with the drinking. My Ex A-hole (lol!) went on several weeks of no drinking but man, I was searching everywhere for booze, I was getting close to smell his breath, if he was chewing gum I automatically assumed he was drinking. When we separated a while last year and would still talk on the phone, I would poke at him a bit to see if he overreacted to see if he was drunk...
I don't know what you really want to come out of her contacting you or if you really do want her to contact you and tell you she is ok or what the case may be, but you don't want to be sucked back into this craziness. I wish my XABF would stop contacting me - I know it would be hard at first but it is harder when he contacts me sober.
Just my opinion!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 689
I used to want the SAME thing.... I wanted him to contact me to prove to me that I meant something to him.
I got exactly what I wanted, a drunk facebook message at 1:am saying "peace offering im sorry for everything, I want us to be friends, I'm so sorry, I hope you are doing well."
And followed up with .."but in my defense I did tell you I wasn't ready for a relationship"
The "apology" was still followed up immediately with something to take the blame off of him. Unbelievable!
And you know what, that apology wasn't enough for me. And his contacting me turned into nothing but a world of hurt ALL over again because it was a reminder that he DID NOT MEAN IT. He did not care, he didn't want to be my friend.... he was drunk one night and his girlfriend wasn't at home.
He then blocked me (thankfully) and once again I gave him the power to treat me like crap.
I am once again nearly recovered from that.
Be careful what you wish for Tpen. What you think you want.... trust me, you don't.
I got exactly what I wanted, a drunk facebook message at 1:am saying "peace offering im sorry for everything, I want us to be friends, I'm so sorry, I hope you are doing well."
And followed up with .."but in my defense I did tell you I wasn't ready for a relationship"
The "apology" was still followed up immediately with something to take the blame off of him. Unbelievable!
And you know what, that apology wasn't enough for me. And his contacting me turned into nothing but a world of hurt ALL over again because it was a reminder that he DID NOT MEAN IT. He did not care, he didn't want to be my friend.... he was drunk one night and his girlfriend wasn't at home.
He then blocked me (thankfully) and once again I gave him the power to treat me like crap.
I am once again nearly recovered from that.
Be careful what you wish for Tpen. What you think you want.... trust me, you don't.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
hey tpen,
i think that grief is grief. it just takes time. we try to do things to escape the pain of it, but it we DO find something when that pain is intense, then we are doing what our addicts do - use something to alter the chemistry in their brains, to escape something.
that's what i think, anyway.
i want to encourage you to continue doing exactly what you ARE doing:
n/c, filling your time, posting here.
in my town, there is something called "events and adventures". i think it's national. not a dating service, but just for single people who either want to avoid the bar scene, or new in town, that kind of thing. they advertise 40 different outings each month.
i think that grief is grief. it just takes time. we try to do things to escape the pain of it, but it we DO find something when that pain is intense, then we are doing what our addicts do - use something to alter the chemistry in their brains, to escape something.
that's what i think, anyway.
i want to encourage you to continue doing exactly what you ARE doing:
n/c, filling your time, posting here.
in my town, there is something called "events and adventures". i think it's national. not a dating service, but just for single people who either want to avoid the bar scene, or new in town, that kind of thing. they advertise 40 different outings each month.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 566
Aw, tpen. I get it, I really do. That well is STILL empty, my dear, and it's going to still be empty the next time you want to get something from it...and the next time...and the next time...
What will it take for you to really believe that it's empty, even though you know it? What keeps you going back for more? I know that the notion of being abused is shocking, but it's fitting. I've been there, too...at the empty well, being abused, accepting being abused...and much of my recovery work up to this point has been about forgiving myself for allowing that to happen. I'm much stronger now for having looked at that.
TC made a powerful statement about mourning, that being the importance of resolving it or you'll find another just like it. I did that, too. I'm mourning TWO relationships with the (permanent) ending of this most recent one 2 weeks ago. And I am really beginning to enjoy my time ALONE. I'm not lonely, mind you, but I'm happy to be ALONE. I'm almost fiercely protective of it, don't appreciate anyone hitting on me (which has happened a few times already by people who know I'm recently single again). I want this time for ME. It has never been about ME, and right now it really is "all about me."
And it doesn't feel the slightest bit selfish.
Enjoy your time without having to deal with anyone else's "stuff", tpen. Celebrate being able to make decisions just between you and your HP, and truly discover and ask your HP for what you want. You may not ever get another time to look deeply within yourself without considering someone else, because the next time around, especially if you do your work now, you'll find the love of your life and you'll both grow old together. That is my wish for you.
posie
What will it take for you to really believe that it's empty, even though you know it? What keeps you going back for more? I know that the notion of being abused is shocking, but it's fitting. I've been there, too...at the empty well, being abused, accepting being abused...and much of my recovery work up to this point has been about forgiving myself for allowing that to happen. I'm much stronger now for having looked at that.
TC made a powerful statement about mourning, that being the importance of resolving it or you'll find another just like it. I did that, too. I'm mourning TWO relationships with the (permanent) ending of this most recent one 2 weeks ago. And I am really beginning to enjoy my time ALONE. I'm not lonely, mind you, but I'm happy to be ALONE. I'm almost fiercely protective of it, don't appreciate anyone hitting on me (which has happened a few times already by people who know I'm recently single again). I want this time for ME. It has never been about ME, and right now it really is "all about me."
And it doesn't feel the slightest bit selfish.
Enjoy your time without having to deal with anyone else's "stuff", tpen. Celebrate being able to make decisions just between you and your HP, and truly discover and ask your HP for what you want. You may not ever get another time to look deeply within yourself without considering someone else, because the next time around, especially if you do your work now, you'll find the love of your life and you'll both grow old together. That is my wish for you.
posie
today4me
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 311
I agree with those who stated I need to hurt it out. Yes, I do need to keep busy to keep the mind occupied. I do not need to date, or start hanging out with woman on my own. I want to be healthy first and I am not now. I slipped up a bit today and contacted two girls from years back. I know now exactly why ex or addicts jump to another one. It provides excitement and covers up the hurt. Felt bad as I was doing it and luckily it did not go anywhere. I tell you, this healing game is a tough battle especially when Satan gets his way. I'm back on solid ground tonight thanks to your support, family and getting out walking dog and having a cup of soup.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 394
Hey tpen - getting out and meeting and/or mingling with the opposite sex does not mean dating and/or romance.
I personally love the company of stable women, older, my age etc. just to talk and goof around with.
I have a good friend who is interested in other women and you know what? She's a delight to hang around with, no pressure of attraction or tension, she's like a sister. We go to concerts etc. together and always have a blast.
I personally love the company of stable women, older, my age etc. just to talk and goof around with.
I have a good friend who is interested in other women and you know what? She's a delight to hang around with, no pressure of attraction or tension, she's like a sister. We go to concerts etc. together and always have a blast.
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