Question for Everyone...
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Sending hugs and support...... emotions have ran most of my life and it takes training to manage them but its possible. I have learned to take some days to think things over... and to stop battling.
It is what it is..... if its toxic, how can I get it out in a non-harming way? if its healing, how can I repeat it? how can I prolong it? if its during business hours and something uncomfortable, I store it then get it out again after 6pm when I can be home and think it through in a safe environment for me.
Anyway--- Good for your for leaving. I fully support your decision.
It is what it is..... if its toxic, how can I get it out in a non-harming way? if its healing, how can I repeat it? how can I prolong it? if its during business hours and something uncomfortable, I store it then get it out again after 6pm when I can be home and think it through in a safe environment for me.
Anyway--- Good for your for leaving. I fully support your decision.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
just checking in to see how you are doing, mischa.
be kind to yourself! treat yourself to something nice, maybe some candlelight just for you? that always helped me, to light a candle when dusk fell and remind myself that i could create a new, peaceful life for myself on my own terms.
i also found it helpful when i was suffering, as you are, to eat healthy food...perhaps a big salad, some fruit or an herbal tea with honey. for me, it was part of nuturing myself back to health after so much stress on so many different levels.
this too will pass. just keep remembering that. if you have a bad night, that's all it is, is a bad night. the next night might be better.
hang in there with the no contact. also, it might be helpful to formulate a plan, perhaps with our input, as to how you are going to handle when he shows up again at your door.
to be prepared is to be prepared!
naive
be kind to yourself! treat yourself to something nice, maybe some candlelight just for you? that always helped me, to light a candle when dusk fell and remind myself that i could create a new, peaceful life for myself on my own terms.
i also found it helpful when i was suffering, as you are, to eat healthy food...perhaps a big salad, some fruit or an herbal tea with honey. for me, it was part of nuturing myself back to health after so much stress on so many different levels.
this too will pass. just keep remembering that. if you have a bad night, that's all it is, is a bad night. the next night might be better.
hang in there with the no contact. also, it might be helpful to formulate a plan, perhaps with our input, as to how you are going to handle when he shows up again at your door.
to be prepared is to be prepared!
naive
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Originally Posted by mishaco1 
It is only a matter of time before his phone will be shut off, his motel stay will run out and he will come a knockin. Not looking forward to that day one bit.
just have a plan. say to yourself what you will do/say when that happens. i would urge you to not answer the door when he comes a knockin. if you have been tipped off that he's a comin, can you just leave and not be available? it will be hard if you have to face him, but i know you can do it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Denver, CO
Posts: 69
Well, today is rough. I did not sleep, tossed and turned all night and I don't know about anybody else, but when I am tired, things just seem so much worse. Oh well.
He has been texting me. I screwed up and finally texted back last night. I just felt so confused and angry. He still didn't clean out the storage unit which is what is left of his life and is under my name so at this point, I am going to have to let the storage place cut the locks and take what remains of his life. I just need to get the guts up to do it.
He was telling me how he was on the streets begging for money and how people can be rude. Then he said he wanted me to leave him alone and to stop contacting him. I haven't been contacting him so I was really pissed and I know he is doing it to get me this way and I effing broke last night. Then, after that, he asked if I would come over, hang out and talk with him and just laugh like old days. WTF?! The minipulation is ridiculous. And I am stupid for always feeding into it and for caring about him but it just seems impossible to stop. I did not go over there, of course. And I told him it was stupid that he would even ask that. Then I stopped responding again. He sent me one last text at 3:13 am stating "This anxiety is awful".
Like I said, today is really rough. I feel like i can't do it again. But I am hoping that tomorrow will be better.
Naive - thank you for the suggestions. I would love the support and to figure out a plan. All I have right now is to call the police when he shows up but I have this horrible feeling I will not be strong enough to do it and he will talk himself in the front door.
Coffeedrinker - If he tips me off that he is on his way or if anyone tips me off in any way - I will get the dog and I will leave but I have a feeling there will be no tip off. I have just been staying fairly far away from home right now but I cannot do this forever. I miss being home.
Today - it seems impossible. So I can't wait until I can go to bed and start tomorrow and maybe tomorrow will seem more hopeful than today...
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
He has been texting me. I screwed up and finally texted back last night. I just felt so confused and angry. He still didn't clean out the storage unit which is what is left of his life and is under my name so at this point, I am going to have to let the storage place cut the locks and take what remains of his life. I just need to get the guts up to do it.
He was telling me how he was on the streets begging for money and how people can be rude. Then he said he wanted me to leave him alone and to stop contacting him. I haven't been contacting him so I was really pissed and I know he is doing it to get me this way and I effing broke last night. Then, after that, he asked if I would come over, hang out and talk with him and just laugh like old days. WTF?! The minipulation is ridiculous. And I am stupid for always feeding into it and for caring about him but it just seems impossible to stop. I did not go over there, of course. And I told him it was stupid that he would even ask that. Then I stopped responding again. He sent me one last text at 3:13 am stating "This anxiety is awful".
Like I said, today is really rough. I feel like i can't do it again. But I am hoping that tomorrow will be better.
Naive - thank you for the suggestions. I would love the support and to figure out a plan. All I have right now is to call the police when he shows up but I have this horrible feeling I will not be strong enough to do it and he will talk himself in the front door.
Coffeedrinker - If he tips me off that he is on his way or if anyone tips me off in any way - I will get the dog and I will leave but I have a feeling there will be no tip off. I have just been staying fairly far away from home right now but I cannot do this forever. I miss being home.
Today - it seems impossible. So I can't wait until I can go to bed and start tomorrow and maybe tomorrow will seem more hopeful than today...
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
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Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
I don't remember who it was, but someone here actually changed the name / caller ID on her phone so when her A sent her texts or called her it said it was from QUACK QUACK QUACK.
As I recall, it helped her to make some better choices when thinking about answering or responding.
As I recall, it helped her to make some better choices when thinking about answering or responding.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Denver, CO
Posts: 69
Originally Posted by CatsPajamas
I don't remember who it was, but someone here actually changed the name / caller ID on her phone so when her A sent her texts or called her it said it was from QUACK QUACK QUACK.
As I recall, it helped her to make some better choices when thinking about answering or responding.
As I recall, it helped her to make some better choices when thinking about answering or responding.
Ha! Thank you! This actually made me smile today... I needed it!
Only thing I have done is delete him out of my phone. But that doesn't help because I know the damn number. Maybe I should try something like this...
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Los Cabos, Mexico
Posts: 34
Guilt? Yes. That is one reason I moved my A-Mom in with me. Her panic disorder returned when I moved away. Many deaths in the family. Then serious depression set in, followed by a year and a half of her sleeping all day, not working, not eating etc. Guilt anytime she would not answer the phone (knowing she was passed out drunk) and do my best to do something fun.
Blame? Yes. I blamed me. I blamed her BF because they didn't live together after being together forever. I blamed her sisters (not funny I know, but if you had them as sisters you'd want a drink, or 5 if you ever listened to how they spoke to her). I blamed her for literally making me sick with worry.
Anger? Every day. Every moment. Even now with her sitting beside me, 3 hours after she received her 30 day chip from AA. Can't stand how I have lost my smile.
I can't breathe some days. When I am at my worst, I go to acupuncture. I works for me. Chills me out. Then I come on here and lurk.
Best thing ever said to me was on here. The 3 C's. Recently I taught them to my neighbor who just left her ABF after a terrible night as it's the only positive thing I can offer her in HER, situation. I may have the order wrong, but she didn't cause it, create it, nor can she control it. Neither can I. Neither can you.
What you can do... is to continue what you are doing. Come here when you need a rock, a shoulder, and an ear. Chocolate helps too LOL
Blame? Yes. I blamed me. I blamed her BF because they didn't live together after being together forever. I blamed her sisters (not funny I know, but if you had them as sisters you'd want a drink, or 5 if you ever listened to how they spoke to her). I blamed her for literally making me sick with worry.
Anger? Every day. Every moment. Even now with her sitting beside me, 3 hours after she received her 30 day chip from AA. Can't stand how I have lost my smile.
I can't breathe some days. When I am at my worst, I go to acupuncture. I works for me. Chills me out. Then I come on here and lurk.
Best thing ever said to me was on here. The 3 C's. Recently I taught them to my neighbor who just left her ABF after a terrible night as it's the only positive thing I can offer her in HER, situation. I may have the order wrong, but she didn't cause it, create it, nor can she control it. Neither can I. Neither can you.
What you can do... is to continue what you are doing. Come here when you need a rock, a shoulder, and an ear. Chocolate helps too LOL
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: PUE,MX
Posts: 2
Misha-
let me share an experience with you. My ex-boyfriend lost everything. His best friend, his hope, his business, and will to live...all when his best friend dies in a car accident last year. He became a different person. I wasn't important for him anymore, and it ruined me, because after 2 1/2 years of a relationship (codependency), i had no hope for myself, and no vision of where i was going in my life. I took the hardest step in putting myself first, and as much as it hurt me, i had to leave him.
of course he made me feel guilty, he thought that i had ruined his life, and that i was trying to hurt him- but he didn't see how much i was struggling. I was angry for his friend's death, and for my ex not caring about me anymore. I wondered when I would be on his agenda once again...not even realizing that I wasn't even on my agenda! It would have been so easy to just go back- to psychological abuse and negligence, but it is possible, but very rough. You have support here. you are not alone- NEVER. (not in a creepy way!!!!)
I suggest that you start by trying to make some goals for yourself. And it doesn't mean that you should go out partying or anything like that. But maybe start by picking up a hobbie, start an informal sports team with friends. You could watch some Anime, or two and a half men. Just give yourself some time, and allow yourself to feel good about yourself. There is no guilt in wanting to be happy and healthy.
There is no way in the world to make another person happy- they are the only ones capable of creating happiness in their lives.
and things don't change, only your way of viewing them!!
cheer up!! :ghug3
let me share an experience with you. My ex-boyfriend lost everything. His best friend, his hope, his business, and will to live...all when his best friend dies in a car accident last year. He became a different person. I wasn't important for him anymore, and it ruined me, because after 2 1/2 years of a relationship (codependency), i had no hope for myself, and no vision of where i was going in my life. I took the hardest step in putting myself first, and as much as it hurt me, i had to leave him.
of course he made me feel guilty, he thought that i had ruined his life, and that i was trying to hurt him- but he didn't see how much i was struggling. I was angry for his friend's death, and for my ex not caring about me anymore. I wondered when I would be on his agenda once again...not even realizing that I wasn't even on my agenda! It would have been so easy to just go back- to psychological abuse and negligence, but it is possible, but very rough. You have support here. you are not alone- NEVER. (not in a creepy way!!!!)
I suggest that you start by trying to make some goals for yourself. And it doesn't mean that you should go out partying or anything like that. But maybe start by picking up a hobbie, start an informal sports team with friends. You could watch some Anime, or two and a half men. Just give yourself some time, and allow yourself to feel good about yourself. There is no guilt in wanting to be happy and healthy.
There is no way in the world to make another person happy- they are the only ones capable of creating happiness in their lives.
and things don't change, only your way of viewing them!!
cheer up!! :ghug3
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hi mischa-
will you consider changing your phone number so he cannot text you anymore? in my experience, any contact with my xABF disturbed my peace and it is so easy to get sucked in again, especially as now he's destitute and begging.
as for your plan when he arrives, here's some ideas
1. start turning on any outdoor lights around your home when dusk falls. keep the place well lit.
2. have a method of checking who is at the door before you answer. i have a window that i can open and look down to see who is standing in my well-lit entranceway.
3. if it is him, do not answer, do not speak to him. if you changed your phone number, he won't even be able to text you to let you know he is there.
4. at one point, i promised myself if he approached me, i would literally bite my tongue so as to remind myself to not talk. this worked very well.
5. have the police number programmed in your phone so you always have a quick path to calling for help.
6. work with a trusted friend. explain the impending situation to her/him and make an agreement to be able to call them for help or just to talk to remind you why you are not going to let him back into your house. lean on your friend.
7. if you have good neighbors, you could alert them and ask them to report if they see him lurking about.
just some ideas. perhaps others will think of more. play the tape all the way through and have a clear plan as to how you are going to handle this situation. when it occurs, stick to your plan, whatever it is.
i cannot see anything positive coming from letting him into your home. he has proven he is dangerous already and unpredictable. he will be perhaps desperate, perhaps drunk.
naive
will you consider changing your phone number so he cannot text you anymore? in my experience, any contact with my xABF disturbed my peace and it is so easy to get sucked in again, especially as now he's destitute and begging.
as for your plan when he arrives, here's some ideas
1. start turning on any outdoor lights around your home when dusk falls. keep the place well lit.
2. have a method of checking who is at the door before you answer. i have a window that i can open and look down to see who is standing in my well-lit entranceway.
3. if it is him, do not answer, do not speak to him. if you changed your phone number, he won't even be able to text you to let you know he is there.
4. at one point, i promised myself if he approached me, i would literally bite my tongue so as to remind myself to not talk. this worked very well.
5. have the police number programmed in your phone so you always have a quick path to calling for help.
6. work with a trusted friend. explain the impending situation to her/him and make an agreement to be able to call them for help or just to talk to remind you why you are not going to let him back into your house. lean on your friend.
7. if you have good neighbors, you could alert them and ask them to report if they see him lurking about.
just some ideas. perhaps others will think of more. play the tape all the way through and have a clear plan as to how you are going to handle this situation. when it occurs, stick to your plan, whatever it is.
i cannot see anything positive coming from letting him into your home. he has proven he is dangerous already and unpredictable. he will be perhaps desperate, perhaps drunk.
naive
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Denver, CO
Posts: 69
Originally Posted by naive
hi mischa-
will you consider changing your phone number so he cannot text you anymore? in my experience, any contact with my xABF disturbed my peace and it is so easy to get sucked in again, especially as now he's destitute and begging.
as for your plan when he arrives, here's some ideas
1. start turning on any outdoor lights around your home when dusk falls. keep the place well lit.
2. have a method of checking who is at the door before you answer. i have a window that i can open and look down to see who is standing in my well-lit entranceway.
3. if it is him, do not answer, do not speak to him. if you changed your phone number, he won't even be able to text you to let you know he is there.
4. at one point, i promised myself if he approached me, i would literally bite my tongue so as to remind myself to not talk. this worked very well.
5. have the police number programmed in your phone so you always have a quick path to calling for help.
6. work with a trusted friend. explain the impending situation to her/him and make an agreement to be able to call them for help or just to talk to remind you why you are not going to let him back into your house. lean on your friend.
7. if you have good neighbors, you could alert them and ask them to report if they see him lurking about.
just some ideas. perhaps others will think of more. play the tape all the way through and have a clear plan as to how you are going to handle this situation. when it occurs, stick to your plan, whatever it is.
i cannot see anything positive coming from letting him into your home. he has proven he is dangerous already and unpredictable. he will be perhaps desperate, perhaps drunk.
naive
will you consider changing your phone number so he cannot text you anymore? in my experience, any contact with my xABF disturbed my peace and it is so easy to get sucked in again, especially as now he's destitute and begging.
as for your plan when he arrives, here's some ideas
1. start turning on any outdoor lights around your home when dusk falls. keep the place well lit.
2. have a method of checking who is at the door before you answer. i have a window that i can open and look down to see who is standing in my well-lit entranceway.
3. if it is him, do not answer, do not speak to him. if you changed your phone number, he won't even be able to text you to let you know he is there.
4. at one point, i promised myself if he approached me, i would literally bite my tongue so as to remind myself to not talk. this worked very well.
5. have the police number programmed in your phone so you always have a quick path to calling for help.
6. work with a trusted friend. explain the impending situation to her/him and make an agreement to be able to call them for help or just to talk to remind you why you are not going to let him back into your house. lean on your friend.
7. if you have good neighbors, you could alert them and ask them to report if they see him lurking about.
just some ideas. perhaps others will think of more. play the tape all the way through and have a clear plan as to how you are going to handle this situation. when it occurs, stick to your plan, whatever it is.
i cannot see anything positive coming from letting him into your home. he has proven he is dangerous already and unpredictable. he will be perhaps desperate, perhaps drunk.
naive
Anyhow, glad I came here and read how afraid I am for him showing up. That in itself brings anxiety. I know for a fact that the only way he will show up is drunk and I know for a fact that I am scared sh*tless of him in that state of mind.
So yes, I can see my front door. Peep hole and window right by the front door but I will be able to see if it is him.
The neighbors know already so I know they will keep their eye out too. One of the police officers that showed up to my home the night he threatened to kill my dog even spoke with one of the neighbors, so they all know (Fun for me! - I know it is a good thing but it is also pretty damn embarrassing).
The number... I struggle SO much with this one for some reason. I'll try to get the strength to do it. Just haven't found the strength yet.
You are right, Naive, I need to formulate a plan and and I need to STICK with it especially if I am that certain he is going to be drunk when the time comes that he is knocking. I am certain enough that if I had a million dollars, I would put it on that. He has never proven me wrong when it comes to being drunk... Besides, he does not want to be in jail and so the rational, sober man I know would never risk it. The drunk, irrational, crazy man I know doesn't care one way or the other.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Denver, CO
Posts: 69
Originally Posted by Jadmack25
Sorry I cannot do a darn thing to help you, but Denver in USA is a bit far for me to fly from here in North Queensland, Australia.
Will have you in my prayers.
God bless
Will have you in my prayers.
God bless
Thanks!!
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