LaTeeDa

I remember reading this article a long time ago when I first came to SR. It's very interesting. I was reminded of it again today.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...oundology.html

L

Redheadsusie

Wow~ Good stuff! Thanks~

GiveLove

Reading that the first time was a pivotal moment for me....changed me. Amazing.

stella27

Wow. I am afraid that I immersed some well-meaning soul in my woundology just the other day. I called it "emotional hemorrhaging" in my apology.

lulu1974

thanks so much for sharing. Very interesting indeed.

LaTeeDa

I remember reading it for the first time, too. This part especially shocked me:

Because, up until that point I had been both the perpetrator and victim of this sort of emotional manipulation, without even realizing it. Another layer of the onion...........

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GiveLove

Peeling the onion makes me cry sometimes.

Another deep thought brought to you by GL.

MissFixit

I think that I isolate to never say something that self-centered to people. I try to keep my depression private except for telling a few close friends.

I don't know what to think about it other than dumping your baggage on others sucks. This forum is a bit of a baggage carousel, so I view it differently than talking with friends in real life.

As far as not defining yourself by your wounds, I understand the thought behind that. However, depression and anxiety problems can create situations where you are not exactly in total control and you need emotional support. Also, if you are not yet healed enough to spend time with another member of the opposite sex without recalling your ex, then you might not be ready to date.

LaTeeDa

Baggage carousel--love it!:rotfxko

I don't know if it's so much dumping your baggage on others as using your "wounds" as an excuse for certain behaviors. Or even just defining yourself as a person based entirely on what you have "been through." I think there was a time I expected people to treat me a certain way because of all my suffering. But, it's not fair to expect people to walk on eggshells around me because of my past. It's my job to protect myself from suffering, not the rest of the world.

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Bucyn

OMG, this is just so my MIL. Still talking 30 years later obsessively about her divorce. He had always been mean to her, and mean to 'her' children (they were his too, but...), in fact he was so mean to her and the kids she refused to have a 3rd child with him (until he did). they stayed together another ten years and then he left her--with everything: paid off house, child support, all the furnishings, investments, just took his car and clothes and a couple items from his father. And he never talked to her again (which I think upset her most, the utter complete rejection).

And she reacted badly, started shoplifting, had emotional collapses, 'needed support', for years and years and years. You'd think that the exit of such a 'mean' person would improve your life; but no. She's never recovered. It broke her. She's never been able to cope since.

(If you suspect she had huge issues before the divorce, in fact, before the marriage, you'd be right.)

And because 'it changed her', she has demanded and pretty much been give permission to manipulative, lie, backstab, break promises, indulge in nasty gossip, always be put first, coddled, entertained and to have all her little wishes indulged--instantly (otherwise, she'll start crying because people are soooo mean to her just like dad....waaaaaaaah).

And so she has wasted 30 years of her life. I've been to parties where people are afraid to make eye contact with her--including her own family members. She was fired from her job as an English teacher for incompetence because she just can't focus on anything but her tragedy. She sets herself up in situations where she is guaranteed to be rejected or inspire anger--and then she finds herself rejected or told off, she's shocked, just shocked, and devastated and needs the world to come to a stand still and comfort her.

Without her 'wounds', she wouldn't be anybody.

Kassie2

I love all of her books. This especially reminded me of many people. I for one never thought for long that my wounds meant I had to be stuck in life. What I didn't like was the fact that stuff happens and we have to work extra hard to get out from under.
In later books, CM talks about the timing it takes to get out from under as being whatever we want it to be. Long or short. I think the gist of her writing refers to how much responsibility we take for ourselves and the kind of life we live.

I think she also makes a good point for listening to our words and how we think about things.

MissFixit

Where I live, there are very few single people. Me being alone is something that stands out here. I feel that being single distinguishs me right now. I am not half of a couple of the mom to kids. This is not a place where I thought I would be at my age. I do feel in part defined by it.

There is a weird combination of being residually depressed, not trusting and unwilling to re-enter a situaiton where I could be hurt that defines me. That "independence" for lack of a better word has roots in my past relationship. I don't know if that is woundology, but it does define where I am now.

GiveLove

This, unfortunately, is the inner belief of many people. I know that it was in my case: without my wounds, I didn't know WHO I was. As long as I had them, I still had leverage and could wait for someone to come and make it all better for me. Without them, I had to take full responsibility for my present and my future.

Byron Katie talks about that constantly: who would you be without your wounds, your obsessive fears, your sad story to tell? Would you like yourself? Would you still find life interesting? Do you think people would still find YOU interesting?

It was so hard to face those things, for me.

tigger11

Oh dear, I posted on that thread instead of coming back here, thereby resurrecting a thread from several years ago. Oh well, can't fix it now. Here's what I posted.

Good article, although I don't care much for the whole "energy" new-agey stuff. No matter, take what's useful, and throw the rest away?

Since I left my STBXAH, I've felt so down. I'm slowly getting better. But I can see how, if I weren't working on healing and focusing on growing and not repeating the self abusive behavior of choosing alcoholic, abusive men, the downward spiral might continue. Recently, I've been having ah-ha moments that have shifted my thinking and feeling so that I am more positive and strong. This through working on my own healing from the pain of the abuse and divorce, and growing within myself as a whole, complete, self-sustaining individual. But I can see how one might get mired in the darkness of pain, and find it has an addictive strength of its own, and how that might perpetuate not only the lack of healing, but of actually getting worse and worse.

Today I thank God that I enjoy being positive, joyful and upbeat, and that by desiring healing and growth, I am getting back to that place with gusto, perhaps more slowly than I'd like, but getting there nonetheless.

Here's to hoping all of us on this forum enjoy growth and healing. I see it often here, and love it!

FindingPeace1

The baggage carousel is an interesting idea...
our junk passing by...we examine it...others examine it...it comes around again...and again until we pick it up and take it off the carousel.
Isn't that our life?
Our junk coming around and around till WE take it off the carousel and stop looking at it?

LaTeeDa

The hard part is actually opening it up and 'unpacking' it. Sorting through to find out what isn't working any more. It's seems easier to just continue dragging it around and pitying ourselves because we have such a heavy load to carry. I still catch myself stepping into the victim role sometimes. Excusing my behavior because of my childhood/AH/jerky boss or whatever.

My daughter went through this when she first started therapy. 'Selective healing' is what I called it at the time. She heard the parts where the therapist was validating her feelings. The part about having the right to be angry about her dad's and my behavior when she was growing up. But, she wasn't hearing the parts about how it's up to her to move forward from here. To take responsibility for what she does with those feelings and experiences. Her real progress couldn't begin until she was open to all of it.

It's such a pleasure to see how she has grown and matured over the past few years. She is becoming a pretty well-balanced young woman who is able to recognize and deal with her feelings without lashing out or retreating. I'm so proud of how far she has come.

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FindingPeace1

Yea. I am sure (with little evidence) that I selectively listen in therapy. I have little evidence, because I am not concious of it...but I can hear him saying, "Your H sounds controlling" to me a few sessions ago...
I am starting to look at that...
It is very passive-aggressive, so I want to discount it...
but I think he's right.
I am too, I think.

wicked

the baggage carousel idea is very good.
i like this.
i say about myself, i am a recovering alcoholic, but that is only part of me. just a part.
it doesn't define me, i learned some very valuable lessons from all the "wounds" whether real, or self serving memories to keep me stuck.
but, i can see them go by on the carousel and remember they were heavy and distracting to the life i want to lead now.
make sense?
LOL
well, it does to me!

Learn2Live

I don't think depression CAUSES people to be this way, because I have had chronic depression most of my life and I am not this way. Perhaps I was some time ago. I think I was in a "feel sorry for me" stage, IDK. I'm not sure why people do this, maybe they need attention, maybe they want others to feel sorry for them, maybe it is because they feel helpless, maybe they want to see how others react, maybe they are drama queens, maybe they just want someone to commiserate with them. I have known many people who always want to awfulize and want YOU to awfulize with them. No thanks. All that negativity just brings me down and messes my life up. I think those kind of people don't want to change. I don't want to associate with people who do not want to make things better; I always strive to make things better or prettier or or cleaner or more organized or whatever. I would rather be positive and encouraging; not sure if I do a good job at that but that is what I try for. Thanks for bumping that LaTeeDa.

Freedom1990

I remember the first time I read on woundology. It definitely was an eye-opener for me. I appreciate the reminder, LTD.