transformyself

OH god, I woke up with SCREAMING PMS, from not going to yoga in about two weeks. AH is gone this week, so I only have from 9am to 3pm to work. stupid excuses.

My father, an insane alcoholic, is my FB friend and posted a rambling bizarre thing on a picture I posted of my little sister.

I cancelled a trip to see him last week, when the kids were out of school for spring break because he called both my cousin and my little sister demanding they do certian things so as not to offend his new, 5th wife.

He disowned me three years ago when I set boundaries with him. Sent me an 8 page letter fedex saying, among many other things, that it shouldn't surprise him that I'm "like all other women." The planned trip last week would have been the first time I'd have seen him since then. Don't know what compelled me to say I'd go, other than the kids miss him.

I know I"m not in the best of places, between pms, anxiety and no yoga--which makes the pms worse. Makes everything worse.

My cousins daughter is getting married may 1, My little sister and her son will be here for a week, praise all that is good, and my dad is coming to the wedding. I"m pretty freaked out about seeing him. At least my sisters will be with me. God I can't wait for her to get here with her boy who is 8, the same age as my youngest. we. will. party.

I need to get to my happy, strong place of emotional detachment with my dad that "m currently enjoying with AH. Today, though I feel pretty scared and like I"m going to throw up. Great...

Ceres

((hugs))

I must have missed any other posts about your endearing father. First I've read about that man! I'm so sorry all the men in your life seem to be cucku-for-cocoa puffs. I don't know what to tell you about daddy-dearest. Hopefully they'll be other relatives to cling onto for the event, yes?

Pelican

Tool belt time!

Dad is an alcoholic. He gets the three C's tool:
You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You won't cure it

Raging PMS.
This gets the Alanon slogan: This too shall pass.
Odds are you will be out of PMS stage during the wedding. No back pain, no bad-arse attitude, no bloating.....all that means you will look radiant and your smile will be genuine.

No yoga.
The tool for that is to pick up the 100 lb phone and get help. Take time for you! Even one session each week is better than none.

The time with your siblings and cousins sounds wonderful! There will be so many beautiful people to surround yourself with during that time. One or two ugly ducklings can quack all they want (you have earplugs)!

TakingCharge999

Lol pelican, I actually DO wear earplugs at work when I can get away with it.

QUACK QUACK quack quack .... (silence)

PMS, have you taken any painkiller? Drink lots of water, and also if you got Oregano in your kitchen you can drink an Oregano tea. It has helped my sis and me many times.

If you got 5 min

Yoga for PMS (Pre-menstrual Syndrome) and Menstrual Cramps

wicked

OMG, Transform, I think you mentioned this once before. My father (buried in Arlington National Cemetery) was an insane alcoholic too!
You know the character Jack Nicholson played in "A Few Good Men"? that was my father.
Sneering, leering, sarcastic, furious, hateful and just downright mean.
PTSD? oh yeah, i got ya there honey. <shudder> When jack starting yelling in that film, i actually wanted to run away! damn.
did you go to the EMDR therapy? did i miss that post?
it looks like taking charge has an idea for a short term relief from your pms.
the wedding we will deal with when it happens.
right here, right now is what matters right here, right now.
please feel better transform.
beth

transformyself

**** I just accidentally deleted my entire post.

Thank you Pelican. Hilarious-your smile will be genuine
Thank you Beth
Thank you TC.
My dad is batsh1t crazy and can kiss my ass.

I"m going to class tomorrow also Saturday before the bachelorette party. Myself, my cousin, my sister are all "the elders" of the group. It'll be us and 30 twenty something girls on a rented bus bar hopping. Can't wait. Then i stay the night with my cousin and go dress shopping for the wedding. That'll be fun. Trying on clothes while bloated and hung over.

Wedding is in two weeks. Yes, I'm still afraid of my dad and want to avoid him at all costs. I posted a beautiful picture my sister sent me on her phone and said

and my dad posted
Now. I disowned my mother twenty years ago, is he referring to that? The thing is, with this guy--who is the same as Wickeds dad--I never know what the hell he's going to do. It was his rage and abuse that gave me a bulk of the PTSD
Time for Pelicans so simply why didn't I think of that solution:
Guess this EMDR stuff is happening at just the right time.

Oh, and Beth, we just did an intake at my first session. I'm sorry I didn't check back in with everyone to let you know. I will! Maybe I'll make a blog for it.

Sooo, back to work I go. ONe good thing, I'm writing stuff that I LOVE lately.

And I love this place. Even with PMS

transformyself

I just ******* deleted my post not once but TWICE by hitting two buttons at the same time

I don't even want to hear myself talk right now, but THANK you to you wonderful folks. I'll use wise Pelicans tools (wtf why couldn't i generate those simple fixes myself?) al lthough I"m confused about the 100 pound phone? It's a cell phone. Dinky. don't weigh but maybe 3 ounces..

Heres' waht I posted under a picture of my sister that she sent me on my phone
And here is what my insane father posted
Now. I disowned my mother twenty years ago. Is this some message about her? Why am I trying to figure it out? It has triggered me severely. i haven't felt this way in YEARS. Afraid of my parents.

transformyself

Oh, guess i didn't delete one post. Ugh. Sorry guys, my fingers are just not working..

Pelican

The 100 lb phone is in reference to how hard it is for folks like me to pick up a cell phone and make a call that involves me asking another human for help. It feels like the phone weighs 100 lbs. I avoid the (imagined) weight of that phone call at all costs. The ultimate cost of not asking for help when I need it is: I risk my own serenity.

Facing my fears gives me the courage to reach out for help when I need it. I recently had experience with this. I was starting to have anxiety over finances. Lots of extra holes to throw money into this past month (car insurance, car taxes, speeding ticket) and I was facing a lack of funds to cover the everyday stuff like groceries and power bill. I started to hit my panic button. I was chasing down the crazy train and waving both arms and screaming at anything that got in my way. A hot mess was taking over my peaceful day.

I took a time out to determine what was I really facing. I was facing the fear of not enough. I might not have enough to buy groceries this week and next. I might not get the power bill payed on time. Ok, so my fear was a lack of money and having to tell my children that there isn't enough money. Then I realized that the lack of funds was temporary. It wasn't the end of life. It wasnt' the first time and it may not be the last time there isn't enough money to cover basic expenses. I will be okay. I have done it before and so have they. That was my Awareness and Acceptance of my situation.

Next step was Action. My biggest fear of lack of funds was having to ask for help. The 100 lb phone was looming in the background. If only I would pick it up and make a call, I could borrow or ask for an advance of support from my ex. Or I could call a friend to loan me some money until my next payday.

The lesson in this for me was to face my fears. I needed to look at my fear and walk through it. I needed to take the power away from my fear and give it back to myself. I had the power to make a call if needed. I was going to be okay. Today, I am okay. Food in the fridge, power bill paid! One day at a time.

(((Transformie))) You, my dear, are going to be OK! You took a step in taking care of yourself by posting your concerns. We're here to support you!

Jadmack25

Calm down my dear. It is only your insane father, being his insane self just as you said he would.
You disowned mother, so let her stay gone.
Ignore this "out of his tree" alky, let him waffle away into the ether, as it all is just waffle.

You have come too far, struggled too much to let some brain fried addict, help you stuff it up.......let's face it...only you can make what he says or does actually matter.

If you ignore him, nothing matters. You get YOU upset.

Look at his words as gibberish from a muddled mind, and forget them. They are words, not a magic spell, and you are stronger than those words. Relax now.



God bless

transformyself

Yeah, one of my friends just called me and left a voicemail asking what the hell his message means? What should I tell people? Should I delete it? I think it shows how screwed up he is, validating me. I might leave it there, I dunno..

I'm taking the dogs for a walk. It's 80 outside.

transformyself

oh THANK YOU BOTH. Pelican, you're so gentle and strong at the same time. The phone thing is hilarious! What kind of dumb ass am I?

Jadmack, thank you for this!
God i HATE how this stuff makes me loose my ability to be fine. To be strong. But, I'm getting to a place of complete acceptance and detachment wtih AH, why not this nut job too?

I can't thank you guys enough. NOW I'm going to walk the little dogs..

Hey Jadmack, how do I insert a picture?

Pelican

I like the delete option. You have the power to make the whole comment disappear!

I was never able to explain an alcoholics behavior to anyone. I just felt exhausted trying to make sense out of the nonsense.

Pelican

Oh Jadmack! I love that image!

Jadmack25

Tell them the truth. "Who knows what he means, he is an alcoholic."

Gently rub Lavender oil in circular motion on temple area. Relaxes me no end.

God bless

wicked

Now. I disowned my mother twenty years ago, is he referring to that? The thing is, with this guy--who is the same as Wickeds dad--I never know what the hell he's going to do. It was his rage and abuse that gave me a bulk of the PTSD

Alright, maybe it is not time for my sick humor, but Transform, that song went through my head all day. I posted and drove to Detroit for my teeth.
the mother and child reunion is also only a motion away. why should you make a move?
you should respond with this, really rock his world (quoting paul simon for god's sake)

I just can't believe It's so
Though it seems strange to say
I never been laid so low
In such a mysterious way
And the course of a lifetime runs
Over and over again

referring to your PTSD. i mean it is insane, but also ludicrously funny. if you don't laugh, i will cry.....

this is like my father, if he got a picture of me graduating from basic training, (himself a career military officer) saying to me.
but beth, step back, because,

all we are say--ing is give peace a chance

maybe i was in the car too long. hehehe it was hot today, and i have no air conditioning.
c021: