KeepPedaling

This whole journey I've been on with and then without the xabf has really got me thinking. He's not the only underdog that I chose to "help". I've been thinking a lot lately about how many underdogs I currently have in my life. There are 2 right now. There have been more in the past. In fact, I have a history of one-sided "friendships" with people who were takers and wanted me around only for the attention and support I give.

Why do I do that? Why do I think, "Awww, this poor person has no friends, how sad. How misunderstood he or she must be. I'll help. I'll be a friend" instead of, "This person has not friends. There must be a reason why this person has no friends. I should be careful. I should stick with my healthy friends and not invest time in selfish, unhealthy people."

One of the two in my life right now is SO emotionally unhealthy and morally corrupt that I don't want to be friends anymore. I've recently realized that I have been unconsciously detaching myself from him for months. It's a relief.

Another friend I've know for 20 years. She has become an alcoholic and a drug user in the last 5 years. I thought she would snap out of it, but hasn't. I don't hang out with her. I don't give her money. I call her once in a while to say hi. She's usually drunk. I feel like I'm just waiting for her to stop using and start recovering. Her choice to use only affects me in one way - it makes me sad for my friend.

I really want to start putting energy into people that put energy into me. I want to focus more on the healthy friends in my life instead of letting the unhealthy ones take up all my time and energy with their drama and neeeeed neeeeed neeeeeds.

That's whats going on with me this weekend. Hope everyone is doing well and living strong.

barb dwyer

well Keeps -

looks to me like the flowers and grasses aren't the only thing growing this spring!

Jadmack25

Wondered what that flash was that whizzed past me at great speed....You pedalling.
Be careful who you put more energy into PLEASE, otherwise I can see a whole pack of Keep pedalling clones zooming round the place.

Sort of Yikes on bikes!!!



God bless

stilllearning

Hi KP,

I so totally hear you. Is there something in the water at the moment?

I've gotten much better in the last few years about who I let into my life but had an old, old friend misbehave this week. Not for the first time and she's notorious for it - I'm pretty sure she's undiagnosed bipolar. And she misbehaved towards me this week did it because over the last 20 years I have done an impeccable job of teaching her how to treat me. To date she's been taught that she'll always be forgiven, that I'll roll over, that the door is always open.

.... Only this week it wasn't tolerated and I calmly set a boundary. She didn't like that much ;-) And you know what? That's not my business.

Five years ago I would have drunk over it, two years ago I would have built up a week long head of steam about how poorly she had behaved, one year ago I would have lost a nights sleep about it. But I don't want to live that way anymore. This feels like a major test of my recovery - will be interesting to see how it shakes down. I hope she can do better, but she might not be willing or able - and something has to give.

Tell you what though, I'm pretty sure that if I met her today I would give her the swerve rather than develop a friendship with her. We have a lot of history but I've changed and the friendship is going to have to become a lot more balanced, or it's got to go.

It's not just about families of origin, or romantic partners - it's across the board. I'm not willing to pretend that the unacceptable is acceptable anymore, and I'm willing to protest with my feet to remove myself and keep my serenity.

SL.

Jadmack25

Quote: ( I'm not willing to pretend that the unacceptable is acceptable anymore, and I'm willing to protest with my feet to remove myself and keep my serenity. ))

Yes, Yes, Yes!!! This is perfect.....may I borrow it and put it up on my desk please?

God bless

transformyself

Love this! Yes, there must be something astrological going on because I too have been cutting out the dead wieght and energy suckers out of my life. Feels great, doesn't it?

Kittyboo

I have noticed that in my life too KP.

Though I have many independent, successful friends, I would find that I would be most drawn to hanging out with people who are just emotionally distant people. Not just with lovers, but with friends.
My former best friend I realized was never really there for me emotionally when I needed her to be a friend, but I was always there for her. She could be pretty heartless if people were hurting. Yet, she was the one who I considered my "best friend" and "enjoyed" hanging out with the most?
She had some great qualities too of course, but it's most definitely been a pattern in my life.

But like you, I too want to surround myself with more positive people who don't invite the drama into their lives like others do. And I most certainly don't want to be someone who invites drama into my life!
HUGS

I actually used to admire that she could seem to not care if she was hurt. She could shut people out; if a guy hurt her, she didn't care, didn't express it, and could just walk away. And now I look at that and say no thank you.
She married a guy later who worships her.....but she's cheated on him, they've had the police called to their house, they've lived in drama land.

That also is one thing that I used to internalize, how come she can get someone who worships her when she treats people like crap? And I have people walk all over me?
It's confusing to have thought, which way is better to be. That's what I have often struggled with.

TakingCharge999

I have seen my girl friend over here and 'partner' are both pessimistic, bored with life.

Then I see another girl friend that seems super happy all the time and I envy her. And don't feel the energy to start socializing with her friends.

Ugh.

I remember waiting for "friends" for more than half an hour in a very nice restaurant. And many didn't even call to say they were late.

So for now I'll socialize with another friend I got who is vegetarian and loves electronic music and reminds me of good times. Then another one who also brings me more memories and is super sweet. And 2 others that are far away but it is always uplifting and fun to talk to them.

Thanks for the reminder one has to choose better!
I also loved that phrase "no longer pretending the acceptable is unacceptable"!!!!

KeepPedaling

That's the best thing about this place - learning how NOT ALONE we all really are. I guess I'm not the only one who's chosen more than a few unhealthy friends. It does feel like I'm spring cleaning - doing a spring life inventory.

I was thinking too about how I behave with my unhealthy friends. For example, their ill treatment of me does not go unnoticed by me. But instead of confronting them about it, I talk badly about them to my other friends. That's not good and shame on me. I really don't like that about myself.

With my healthy friends, if something bothers me, I confront them (in a gentle way) and we work to resolve the conflict. Thats healthy. But the way I behave with my unhealthy friends is unhealthy. If I don't want them in my life, why do I keep them in my life? Why do I spend so much energy speaking badly about them? Why didn't I just move on sooner?

I'm hoping to be better at recognizing when I'm beginning an unhealthy relationship and, once I do, to move on sooner.

You know, I feel a list of goals coming on! I need to make a list of goals this week!

I really heart you guys. I'm feeling so happy today and just really really appreciate all of you for all of your thoughtful words and support. Thank you.

barb dwyer

thank you right back, Keeps - *I* needed to read something positive tonight!