Today's the big day
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
10. I have a right to leave the company of people who deliberately or inadvertently put me down, lay a guilt trip on me, manipulate or humiliate me, including my alcoholic parent, my nonalcoholic parent, or any other member of my family.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 277
"With an active A, it's always about them."
Thank you for this statement. This struck a chord with me and my AH. I need to remember..."What about me?!"
I wish you strength and peace as you move forward. I just wanted you to know that your posting helped me too. Thanks.
Thank you for this statement. This struck a chord with me and my AH. I need to remember..."What about me?!"
I wish you strength and peace as you move forward. I just wanted you to know that your posting helped me too. Thanks.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 566
Well I could post all day and not be able to express how much your posts have meant to me. I got to my Alanon meeting last night which was like a haven in the midst of a war zone for me. After telling my story and the meeting ended one of the people there came over and said to me, "when I look at you I think of the word 'truth'." More tears. I'm hanging onto that comment like a big ol' life preserver.
And that is what I think of with all of you, thank you for being a safe haven and a beacon of light when I've felt so insane over the last several weeks, and definitely over the last day.
Today s*cked at times, I cried a lot, and yet I think I'm okay. I reached out to my sponsor, a couple of Alanon friends and a close relative called me to see how I'm doing. I find myself feeling so grateful and blessed for the support. One of my Alanon friends (who is a RA for many years) said "some people stay in relationships and die inside, then there are the lucky ones like you who make a choice to live for themselves." Well, I just about cried me a river right then! I can't really see a vision of the rest of my life with clarity right now, but I'm trusting that it's there.
But you know, for all of you who have said it will be okay, I'm believing and trusting you, too. Tonight is easier in some ways, I am breathing the fresh air and seeing the flowers bloom and knowing that it is a CHOICE to spend time with the sort of people I want to attract and emanate. But my little girl is so scared, not understanding why I sent this "love" packing...she's quite certain that this is a mistake that will be paid for DEARLY with regret and pain and upset and chaos. I'm telling you, she's freaking out. I want to figure out how to make some focus about her without doing what she's just begging me to do--to backpedal as fast as possible to "smooth things over"...so far, so good, I'm holding steady despite the pain. I know that inner kiddo's voice is louder right now because of having contact with the manipulation yesterday, it makes my head spin still. And I HATE that.
My healthy adult sees that as I reached out today and found healthy people to spend time with, I found the magic in being in the moment. I went for a long walk with an Alanon friend and kept running into people I know from various parts of my life. Each greeted me with hugs and smiles. I spent time in a park with people who were exercising their dogs, and I more fully realized I do want a dog so much (something my ex had a problem with and we didn't even live together...I'm sure it's because then I wouldn't have had as much time to focus on THEM). After getting home one of the people I ran into today called and said, "Hey, let's go hang out on Saturday and get some dinner!" I smiled at the cat after I hung up the phone. I told her, "Know what? We're really gonna be okay..."
But I still cry a lot. Please don't stop praying for me. Sending so much love and gratitude to all of you. Truly.
posie
And that is what I think of with all of you, thank you for being a safe haven and a beacon of light when I've felt so insane over the last several weeks, and definitely over the last day.
Today s*cked at times, I cried a lot, and yet I think I'm okay. I reached out to my sponsor, a couple of Alanon friends and a close relative called me to see how I'm doing. I find myself feeling so grateful and blessed for the support. One of my Alanon friends (who is a RA for many years) said "some people stay in relationships and die inside, then there are the lucky ones like you who make a choice to live for themselves." Well, I just about cried me a river right then! I can't really see a vision of the rest of my life with clarity right now, but I'm trusting that it's there.
But you know, for all of you who have said it will be okay, I'm believing and trusting you, too. Tonight is easier in some ways, I am breathing the fresh air and seeing the flowers bloom and knowing that it is a CHOICE to spend time with the sort of people I want to attract and emanate. But my little girl is so scared, not understanding why I sent this "love" packing...she's quite certain that this is a mistake that will be paid for DEARLY with regret and pain and upset and chaos. I'm telling you, she's freaking out. I want to figure out how to make some focus about her without doing what she's just begging me to do--to backpedal as fast as possible to "smooth things over"...so far, so good, I'm holding steady despite the pain. I know that inner kiddo's voice is louder right now because of having contact with the manipulation yesterday, it makes my head spin still. And I HATE that.
My healthy adult sees that as I reached out today and found healthy people to spend time with, I found the magic in being in the moment. I went for a long walk with an Alanon friend and kept running into people I know from various parts of my life. Each greeted me with hugs and smiles. I spent time in a park with people who were exercising their dogs, and I more fully realized I do want a dog so much (something my ex had a problem with and we didn't even live together...I'm sure it's because then I wouldn't have had as much time to focus on THEM). After getting home one of the people I ran into today called and said, "Hey, let's go hang out on Saturday and get some dinner!" I smiled at the cat after I hung up the phone. I told her, "Know what? We're really gonna be okay..."
But I still cry a lot. Please don't stop praying for me. Sending so much love and gratitude to all of you. Truly.
posie
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Reality, NJ
Posts: 853
I am putting you on my prayer list stat! Cry it all out until there is nothing left..then the new day will begin!! I am rooting for you so much. You will tell us about the great things you have done one day...Sending you hugs too!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 545
posiesperson... I once had someone explain emotional pain to me in terms of gardening.... the tilling of the soil is the painful part... but it is necessary... it is necessary to break-up the ground for new seeds.... new seeds are new people and ideas...then there is growth.... and growth takes time... and a little water is needed... so you cry.... but in the end... it is well worth the effort.... you will be able to harvest a bountiful and wonderful new life.
Hugs.
Hugs.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
posie, I think your "little grl" is afraid that by you sending him away, she may never have another to love her, and she needs to learn to believe in these two truths.
The love you had from him was not the love you needed in your life. It would never be enough for you, because you shared him with another.......his DOC.
The love you want and need is out there, but when it will come to you is not known yet. Maybe you need to cast out the ghosts of the past and open yourself and your scared little child, up to restoring your ability to trust again. Trusting others, and above all, trusting yourself.
As for the generous and loving man, and his manipulative "love", well...ho hum.
Now comes the last mile, and could be hardest, of your long and winding road....the legalities and loads more manipulation etc.......but you will get thru it all, to your new and exciting freedom.
God bless
The love you had from him was not the love you needed in your life. It would never be enough for you, because you shared him with another.......his DOC.
The love you want and need is out there, but when it will come to you is not known yet. Maybe you need to cast out the ghosts of the past and open yourself and your scared little child, up to restoring your ability to trust again. Trusting others, and above all, trusting yourself.
As for the generous and loving man, and his manipulative "love", well...ho hum.
Now comes the last mile, and could be hardest, of your long and winding road....the legalities and loads more manipulation etc.......but you will get thru it all, to your new and exciting freedom.
God bless
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 566
Aw, gosh, you all can sure help the tears come! It feels good, though. To know that you're sending me strength is so precious to me (& thanks for the prayer list addition, lulu).
Hammer, love the gardening metaphor. It's hard for me to be patient with the gardening, but I think this might be my year...
Jadmack I look forward to your notes of cheering-on. Fortunately I am NOT married to this active A and so when I took the stuff to the appointment that was the last of it. We didn't live together so the Universe gifted me with that clarity...this relationship was only about a year long and I was spared the separation of households, though I did that in the last two breakups (with ACOAs) and it was NOT fun.
I'm alone now for the first time in 22 years. When I was 18 I met the man I married, and when that ended, quite amicably, I began another relationship immediately. That one lasted 3 years. Then this relationship, with an active A, began immediately. And as I type this I know there currently are some, shall we say, "interested parties" but I can honestly say I am exhausted from the relationships I've chosen and there is a part of me that is looking forward to the pleasure of doing what I please for a time. I SO don't want to deal with anyone else's s**t right now--no matter how big or small! That being said I'm also acknowledging the little girl's terror, and telling her we can get through this one moment at a time, this is "just for now" and that seems to calm the fear.
I have a lot of gratitude, though, as I sit here in the house I bought a year ago and drink my coffee (cheers, coffeedrinker!!
) while my kids are visiting their grandparents for the week. I have some financial security issues to attend to, but I DON'T have legal issues with the ending of this relationship, and I DON'T have to deal with anyone else's stuff but mine, literally and figuratively.
Blessings and gratitude...I'm holding you all close to me as I walk through my second day as a single-but-trusting-I'll-be-okay gal--even when the pain comes in crashing waves. Please keep sending me your support, I'm counting on it.
posie
Hammer, love the gardening metaphor. It's hard for me to be patient with the gardening, but I think this might be my year...
Jadmack I look forward to your notes of cheering-on. Fortunately I am NOT married to this active A and so when I took the stuff to the appointment that was the last of it. We didn't live together so the Universe gifted me with that clarity...this relationship was only about a year long and I was spared the separation of households, though I did that in the last two breakups (with ACOAs) and it was NOT fun.
I'm alone now for the first time in 22 years. When I was 18 I met the man I married, and when that ended, quite amicably, I began another relationship immediately. That one lasted 3 years. Then this relationship, with an active A, began immediately. And as I type this I know there currently are some, shall we say, "interested parties" but I can honestly say I am exhausted from the relationships I've chosen and there is a part of me that is looking forward to the pleasure of doing what I please for a time. I SO don't want to deal with anyone else's s**t right now--no matter how big or small! That being said I'm also acknowledging the little girl's terror, and telling her we can get through this one moment at a time, this is "just for now" and that seems to calm the fear.
I have a lot of gratitude, though, as I sit here in the house I bought a year ago and drink my coffee (cheers, coffeedrinker!!
) while my kids are visiting their grandparents for the week. I have some financial security issues to attend to, but I DON'T have legal issues with the ending of this relationship, and I DON'T have to deal with anyone else's stuff but mine, literally and figuratively.Blessings and gratitude...I'm holding you all close to me as I walk through my second day as a single-but-trusting-I'll-be-okay gal--even when the pain comes in crashing waves. Please keep sending me your support, I'm counting on it.
posie
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
posiesperson...I read your post and got very teary-eyed (which I tried my best to suppress as I am at work and cannot afford to clean up runny mascara at my desk!). I'm SO glad you went to Al-Anon and that you are constantly receiving small gifts of support from HP.
I imagined you today, sipping your coffee in your house, sitting by yourself, feeling sad and in pain at times, but in a very real way, about to embark on an amazing journey of self-discovery and healing. I'm so thankful to HP that you found your way to SR and that you can finally begin that journey.
I imagined you today, sipping your coffee in your house, sitting by yourself, feeling sad and in pain at times, but in a very real way, about to embark on an amazing journey of self-discovery and healing. I'm so thankful to HP that you found your way to SR and that you can finally begin that journey.
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