How on earth do I let go...?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 16
How on earth do I let go...?
I am at the end of my rope with my AH. I thought moving away with our son would knock some sense into him. It seems to have done the opposite. He's been drunk every day that he's not working, just a complete wreck. I don't know what's wrong with him. The doctor gave him an anti-depressant and he's been drinking Vodka with it, which has caused all of these hallucinations/paranoia.
It's not even my husband on the phone. I called him earlier and one of his friends picked up the phone and said he came to get my AH out of the house so that they can go to a party. It must be SO nice to be going to a party on Saturday night. That used to be me...a few years ago, living in SF, I was much thinner then, I had friends, I had a job I loved. On a night like this I'd be out having fun. Do you know how long it's been since I really relaxed and had fun? I don't think I've ever gone to a party/bar with my husband and not felt sick with worry the entire time.
Here I am on Saturday night tucked into bed with our 2-year-old watching Sprout while his daddy is out at a party. How did my life come to this? I am sick of it. He keeps saying he wants to get a place down here to visit us on the weekends and work on being a family. But I just can't live with him. I look at my little boy and I think of how great it is when his daddy is sober and they spend time together. And how I wish I could give him a 2-parent home like I intended. I feel like I failed him big time when I married someone knowing they had alcohol issues. If I had only known it could get this bad. He's drunk every day for the past 2 weeks...Vodka at 11AM. Maybe my leaving him didn't help him but it's what I had to do. Now maybe he'll never get treatment.
It's not even my husband on the phone. I called him earlier and one of his friends picked up the phone and said he came to get my AH out of the house so that they can go to a party. It must be SO nice to be going to a party on Saturday night. That used to be me...a few years ago, living in SF, I was much thinner then, I had friends, I had a job I loved. On a night like this I'd be out having fun. Do you know how long it's been since I really relaxed and had fun? I don't think I've ever gone to a party/bar with my husband and not felt sick with worry the entire time.
Here I am on Saturday night tucked into bed with our 2-year-old watching Sprout while his daddy is out at a party. How did my life come to this? I am sick of it. He keeps saying he wants to get a place down here to visit us on the weekends and work on being a family. But I just can't live with him. I look at my little boy and I think of how great it is when his daddy is sober and they spend time together. And how I wish I could give him a 2-parent home like I intended. I feel like I failed him big time when I married someone knowing they had alcohol issues. If I had only known it could get this bad. He's drunk every day for the past 2 weeks...Vodka at 11AM. Maybe my leaving him didn't help him but it's what I had to do. Now maybe he'll never get treatment.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
My dear, you are quite right saying, Quote: (( "Maybe my leaving him didn't help him but it's what I had to do. Now maybe he'll never get treatment."))
Leaving your AH may not help him, certainly he has gone flat out drinking since then, but unless he wants recovery nothing would help.
It is what is good and right and helpful to you and your son, that matters most, and that is where you make decisions and act...for yourself, not for your AH.
He may not look for help now, or soon, maybe never seek recovery...but you cannot be responsible for his choices, decisions or actions....only for your own.
Try and accept that you have no way of changing him and leave him in God's hands, as you do all you can to heal your heart and mind, and make a life for yourself and your son. You can see now, that relying on Ah is a waste of time and effort as he is too busy with his love...the drink.
Don't be angry or jealous at his party life, as I doubt he enjoys his life as much as you think, and I bet he has many uncomfortable moments of guilt, shame and sadness at losing you both.
I wish you strength and wisdom, courage and acceptance to help you.
God bless
Leaving your AH may not help him, certainly he has gone flat out drinking since then, but unless he wants recovery nothing would help.
It is what is good and right and helpful to you and your son, that matters most, and that is where you make decisions and act...for yourself, not for your AH.
He may not look for help now, or soon, maybe never seek recovery...but you cannot be responsible for his choices, decisions or actions....only for your own.
Try and accept that you have no way of changing him and leave him in God's hands, as you do all you can to heal your heart and mind, and make a life for yourself and your son. You can see now, that relying on Ah is a waste of time and effort as he is too busy with his love...the drink.
Don't be angry or jealous at his party life, as I doubt he enjoys his life as much as you think, and I bet he has many uncomfortable moments of guilt, shame and sadness at losing you both.
I wish you strength and wisdom, courage and acceptance to help you.
God bless
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 16
Thanks : )
I'm crying a lot tonight! The response I got when I called to check on him was "F*C* OFF!!!!" And it just hit me, I don't want to spend one more day being treated this way. I'm a GOOD mom. I love my son more than anything. And I've always loved, supported, taken care of my husband. But if he think's I'm going to remain the punching bag, he's wrong. How can he respect someone who takes that crap from him?
My sis and I went and planted trees last Saturday with a Voulunteer organization. It felt wonderful. Time to work on me, and having fun with the little guy, giving him the best that I can. I'm done worrying about someone who actually just threatened to divorce me because I called the police to check on him during one of his drinking sessions.
My sis and I went and planted trees last Saturday with a Voulunteer organization. It felt wonderful. Time to work on me, and having fun with the little guy, giving him the best that I can. I'm done worrying about someone who actually just threatened to divorce me because I called the police to check on him during one of his drinking sessions.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
Stop trying to help him because you can't help him.
If you absolutely must do something, turn him in for drunk driving (assuming he drives drunk). At least a judge could court order him to treatment.
If you absolutely must do something, turn him in for drunk driving (assuming he drives drunk). At least a judge could court order him to treatment.
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 545
Originally Posted by HopelessWife 
I am at the end of my rope with my AH. I thought moving away with our son would knock some sense into him. It seems to have done the opposite. He's been drunk every day that he's not working, just a complete wreck. I don't know what's wrong with him. The doctor gave him an anti-depressant and he's been drinking Vodka with it, which has caused all of these hallucinations/paranoia.
It's not even my husband on the phone. I called him earlier and one of his friends picked up the phone and said he came to get my AH out of the house so that they can go to a party. It must be SO nice to be going to a party on Saturday night. That used to be me...a few years ago, living in SF, I was much thinner then, I had friends, I had a job I loved. On a night like this I'd be out having fun. Do you know how long it's been since I really relaxed and had fun? I don't think I've ever gone to a party/bar with my husband and not felt sick with worry the entire time.
Here I am on Saturday night tucked into bed with our 2-year-old watching Sprout while his daddy is out at a party. How did my life come to this? I am sick of it. He keeps saying he wants to get a place down here to visit us on the weekends and work on being a family. But I just can't live with him. I look at my little boy and I think of how great it is when his daddy is sober and they spend time together. And how I wish I could give him a 2-parent home like I intended. I feel like I failed him big time when I married someone knowing they had alcohol issues. If I had only known it could get this bad. He's drunk every day for the past 2 weeks...Vodka at 11AM. Maybe my leaving him didn't help him but it's what I had to do. Now maybe he'll never get treatment.
It's not even my husband on the phone. I called him earlier and one of his friends picked up the phone and said he came to get my AH out of the house so that they can go to a party. It must be SO nice to be going to a party on Saturday night. That used to be me...a few years ago, living in SF, I was much thinner then, I had friends, I had a job I loved. On a night like this I'd be out having fun. Do you know how long it's been since I really relaxed and had fun? I don't think I've ever gone to a party/bar with my husband and not felt sick with worry the entire time.
Here I am on Saturday night tucked into bed with our 2-year-old watching Sprout while his daddy is out at a party. How did my life come to this? I am sick of it. He keeps saying he wants to get a place down here to visit us on the weekends and work on being a family. But I just can't live with him. I look at my little boy and I think of how great it is when his daddy is sober and they spend time together. And how I wish I could give him a 2-parent home like I intended. I feel like I failed him big time when I married someone knowing they had alcohol issues. If I had only known it could get this bad. He's drunk every day for the past 2 weeks...Vodka at 11AM. Maybe my leaving him didn't help him but it's what I had to do. Now maybe he'll never get treatment.
You let go by moving away.
You let go by not calling him.
You let go by focusing on you and your son.
You let go by accepting that your marriage was a failure... but that YOU aren't.
You let go when you don't accept being his verbal punching bag.
You let go when you take steps to provide a home for your son.
You let go by finding another job you love.
You let go by relaxing and having fun.
You let go by realizing it's NOT your husband on the phone... (The man on the other end is an unhappy raging alcoholic that wants to create misery for his own pleasure.)
You let go by leaving.... it helped you and your son.
You let go by creating a new wonderful life... one without tears and fears.
Let go... and let God.
You are the only one standing in the way of letting you go.
((hugs))
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
oh, honey, i hope you don't do the "check up" call again. it just sets you up for heartache. it takes awhile to figure out that they are not neccessarily going to behave the way we think, or wish, they should.
build on the tree-planting experience. and maybe detach more. no calls, no hoping. it just creates sadness.
build on the tree-planting experience. and maybe detach more. no calls, no hoping. it just creates sadness.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Australia
Posts: 108
Hun, concentrate on yourself and your lil boy. Can you join a playgroup, and try and meet some other mums? Sounds like you need some friends, and theres plenty of lovely people in here for starters who you can talk to. Do you have any hobbies? Dont let him abuse you or speak to you in such a degrading manner. Let him go party, you deserve better.
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 545
Hopelesswife.... turn your speakers up.... this one is for you!
YouTube - Honey Soundtrack- I believe
YouTube - Honey Soundtrack- I believe
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 25
I am in a similar situation with a baby, when I realized that my stbexah could do something stupid and someone could show up at my door and take my baby away, i got strong real fast. I left him and took the baby, then I went back for a car and the dogs, the more rope I gave him the more he partied, has a girlfriend is selling like a machine at work making money hand over fist and out partying like a rock star, did I mention we live in Las Vegas...it's hurts more, harder, and longer than anything EVER, I don't know how long it will take, but WE ARE BOTH doing the right thing for our children, ONE DAY AT A TIME. I steal hugs from my daughter every day (several times a day)
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Fresno, CA
Posts: 5
Hammerhead is right. Let go and let God. You will live long days/nights waiting for the situation to change. I remember going through a similar situaion in 2006. We lived in Seattle, WA and I left my AH. I took everything, packed a Uhaul and drove to my hometown in California with my car jacked on a flatbed. How hard this must have been for my 2 kids (7 & 9 at the time) to see mom cry for the whole entire 18 hour drive. When I arrived to California, I stayed 2 days and then thought to myself, "what am I doing, I just left my best friend to die all alone in another state". We had just moved To WA and didn't know anyone, only his co-workers. I don't know why, but I really did think he would have died without us there to support him in recovery. He was drinking day in and out, which meant we was driving under the influence too. I started seeing him as my friend (who needed help) rather than my husband. I wanted to help him now. However, because he wasn't ready to quit, this became my biggest mistake ever! Had he been ready, it would have gone smoother.
For the 2 days we were gone, he did exactly what your HA was doing. drinking more, partying more......like a teenager! In retrospect, it was really sad. To make a very long story short, 5 years later, and a few domestic violence situations, we are now at day 9 of sobriety.
If he's not ready to quit, the best thing you could do is separate yourself in order to protect yourself and your baby. As much as I wanted, I was never successful at making a change in his life. Years later I learned that it was not my battle to begin with. I wish I would have kept the strength to stay away. My only advice to you is to Trust God. If it's God's will (and I know that all marriages and families to stay together are) it will all work together for the good. Psalms 37 & 91. God Bless you and your baby.
For the 2 days we were gone, he did exactly what your HA was doing. drinking more, partying more......like a teenager! In retrospect, it was really sad. To make a very long story short, 5 years later, and a few domestic violence situations, we are now at day 9 of sobriety.
If he's not ready to quit, the best thing you could do is separate yourself in order to protect yourself and your baby. As much as I wanted, I was never successful at making a change in his life. Years later I learned that it was not my battle to begin with. I wish I would have kept the strength to stay away. My only advice to you is to Trust God. If it's God's will (and I know that all marriages and families to stay together are) it will all work together for the good. Psalms 37 & 91. God Bless you and your baby.
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Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 385
Welcome. You've found a fine place to hang out a while, put your feet up, have a cuppa coffee and relax...let the love and support just wash over you and know this:
YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
You've received some terrific support and suggestions here, but unless I've missed it, no one has yet suggested that you find an ALANON meeting!! I suspect that the f2f support of those who know your suffering and have been through it would be useful. (BTW...they have Alatot groups, too!).
blessings
zbear
YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
You've received some terrific support and suggestions here, but unless I've missed it, no one has yet suggested that you find an ALANON meeting!! I suspect that the f2f support of those who know your suffering and have been through it would be useful. (BTW...they have Alatot groups, too!).
blessings
zbear
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 223
Originally Posted by HopelessWife
I am at the end of my rope with my AH. I thought moving away with our son would knock some sense into him. It seems to have done the opposite.
....
Here I am on Saturday night tucked into bed with our 2-year-old watching Sprout while his daddy is out at a party. How did my life come to this? I am sick of it.
....
Here I am on Saturday night tucked into bed with our 2-year-old watching Sprout while his daddy is out at a party. How did my life come to this? I am sick of it.
That party your alkie went to on Saturday night, he probably doesn't even remember.
But you are going to remember this Saturday night snuggle with your precious adorable 2 yr old forever.
My precious adorable 2 yr old is now a 20 year old, an 18 yr old and a 15 yr old--still precious and adoreable, but I no longer and never will again snuggle with them in bed on a Saturday night (altho last week we all sat in the living room and watched the old Disney movie Aladin).
There will be parties later. I went to a great one yesterday, and on Saturday a friend and me went up to Palm Beach for the Barrett Jackson classic car auction. It's something XAH and I did and I liked it and thought I'd never do it again. But I did.
You'll go to parties again, you'll have fun. Enjoy what you have now. You only have another couple dozen opportunities to snuggle with your 2 yr old on a Saturday night; enjoy.
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