alicat47

I have read so many of these threads and I am in all of them. I have been with my spouse for a total of 15 years(a break of 8 years in between)he is an alcoholic and addicted to pain killers. Our final break was when he abused me. I threw him out.. Im a fool I beleived him when he cried his heart out and told me he needed my help, I am the only person he has.(thats true) I took him back thinking I could help. I dont trust him, I am always on guard thinking the worst, I cant sleep right my mind is constantly going. But all in all I LOVE HIM with all my heart. I moved to a province where I have no family, no friends, I am all alone. My friends and family(in another province)say Im crazy, reading these threads I am beginning to think I am(taking him back)Is there no hope? Am I just heading for more heartache, can an alcoholic not change? What do I do I NEED HELP!!I throw him out again, he doesnt have anyone to help, does this mean I am a enabler or just an idiot.

LOST and not sure which way to head

Summerpeach

Change is a big word.....growth is a word I like more. And yes, addicts or anyone with troubles can grow and perhaps change.

Unless your H is in recovery, then I would say no, there is no hope to grow. He would need to be a non active addict in recovery for any hope for a better life with him.

Have you ever tried Al Anon?

Ceres

Hiya Ali,

I keep turning a simple truth around over my head lately:

Love does not hurt

If loving someone causes us so much grief, tension, turmoil. It's not love. It's something else. Something we don't need. A sickness. I wished I could have realized this long ago. It may be time to start making some steps. Getting support at a group such as Alanon, as you sound a bit isolated. There you'll be given suggestions for a blueprint of sorts. How to see reality and how to get out if that's the right path.

This place, SR, has been a godsend to me. When I came here I felt like a damn fool! Now, my life has taken a unimaginable leap forward. The sky is so much bluer.

coffeedrinker

You're NOT a fool. You believed him when he cried and told you he needed you and are the only person he has, because that is his reality. It IS true, but it's not healthy. Wow, what a burden for you, and what a set-up. I have experienced this dynamic and it is powerful and feeds OUR need to be loved, and needed, but breaking away is so frickin freeing.

We do our loved one NO favor by keeping them dependent.

So perhaps working on getting your mind around that might be a good first step.

And I agree with Summerpeach, if he's not truly recovering, meaning not only stopping the drinking, but the other things that are needed, then no, of course you don't have hope for things to change for you two. Why would they?

This is a great site, with lots of info and support. And I second the motion to start attending Al-anon. You need other people, and people who are also in recovery from this kind of stuff is extremely helpful.

Love926

I have kind of just been checking up on this post here and there because I am curious to see the responses since I have no answers to give at the moment due to being in a similar situation. But I just wanted to say that this,
"We do our loved one NO favor by keeping them dependent."
Is one of the smartest statements I have read in a while...

stella27

(((hugs)))
Get thee to an al-anon meeting.
They will be your support.
Whenever I start to question which end is up, I always come back to:
Alcoholism is a Progressive Disease

What this means to you is that, without HIM making the choice for recovery,
EVERYTHING will get worse. It will NOT get better. This is a fact.

Good luck to you.

alicat47

Thankyou for all your input, I have a AL-NON meeting tomorrow morning, and I have contacted Addiction services and am giving him the # to call today for an appointment. Up till today he has been doing it on his own, but underneath I have doubts, I am asking him to call me back once he has an appointment, he can go for single help and we can go for couples help this will tell me if he is serious or just taking me down an dead end and telling me what I want to hear, instead of what I need to hear.....Thanks again I will keep intouch.

justsomegirl

I can never get the right parts that I want to quote......I know exactly how you feel. My situation is exactly the same. I really am the only person he has. We have some nice couples friends that we hang out with but his guy frinds are all only there when the party is going on. No close family at all in his life. That puts us in a hard place. My drama has been going on for about 5-6 years now and there were times when I thought things were good but the bad times sneak right back in when you are least expecting it. I don't know the extent of your situation and how much drinking is involved, but in my case, my husband massively abuses pot...which is problematic because of the money, the lying about the money, the lethargic way he gets and the fact that he prefers to be with fellow potheads rather than anyone else. This I could probably deal with, but the drinking part is another story. He used to drink everyday with moderate behaviorial issues. Now he binge drinks but with serious consequences. And lately its progressing slowly back, however he is realizing it and starting to hate the feeling of always being hungover again. He has been arrested twice, been in fights and once beaten badly, pushed me far far away, and behaved in such humiliating ways that sometimes I am ashamed of him. There are good times in between but many nights are sleepless wondering if he is going to kill someone while driving home, get into another fight or arrested, throw up on himself in front of people etc. I know he doesn't want to live this way and until recently, we have had a strong bond and that bond is what has kept me there. However, our friendship has drifted, there is no romance left (more on his part because he always feels like crap) and I do not trust a thing he says. Unfortunatley for me..I still love him like I did the day we got married. But the mortar that is keeping the love together is chipping away and love just might not be enough and I am closer to leaving then ever before. In the past it was always threats of leaving. Now I don't bother saying it but I am planning it. I am slowly decluttering and packing things up that I dont really use and I am secretlysaving a little money for when my time comes. Which I guess makes me a liar now because he thinks we are broke. Life is a rollercoaster and not a fun one...I think there is hope but I am not waiting forever for him to find it. Not anymore.

nodaybut2day

"I'm the only person he has"

I just wanted to speak to this statement as I have seen it several times and have uttered it myself more than once.

IMO, this is a dangerous part of the mutual codependence in the relationship. Both partners gradually shut out other people from their lives, and gradually let go of the things that make them individuals to only focus on their partner. The focus then turns to obsession and a covert--or sometimes OVERT desire for control. It's not an evil thing to utter this statement...but it can be dangerous and toxic, I think, because it tugs at the Pity Chord we have inside, feeling sorry for the person who has no one else in the world and who needs us to do almost everything for them (doctor/dentist/counselling appointments, childcare, management of finance, house keeping, etc etC).

I feel this is a statement to be leery of because we, the codependents, can utter it to give ourselves a warped feeling of importance. We're *somebody* if our addict needs us, wants us, can't live with out us... For some reason, we forget that we're "somebody" without any addict to take care of.

In a way, the "all alone in the world" statement feels very manipulative to me; it can become such a heavy burden that we forget that it is A CHOICE. It is ALWAYS possible to reach out and open the door to a new relationship with someone--whether friend, family, coworker, or in the case of addiction, with someone who's trained to support us. It's definitely an effort to escape the confines of a toxic relationship BUT once we make the effort, bit by bit, the results can be rather impressive.

Trying2BeMe

I let go and asked my AH to move out. I stopped pitying him which in turn made him stop taking advantage of my one person pity party. He told me it was the best thing that ever happened. He does not rely on me for anything, takes the city bus to and fro, calls on his appointments. It made him more independant and less relying on me. This is when he realized the pity party was just that and alcoholics love it because they can be lazy while someone else justifies it. Learn to let go and take care of yourself the rest will fall into place. The Alcoholic is NOT worrying about you and your feelings why feel so compelled to worry about them especially when it only hurts them in the long run, do not help them. Do not call and retrieve numbers for him, call and make appointments for him or stay on him to do so. Take care of you and not worry about him, this is the hardest art and I learned the hard way. I too have been with my AH for 18 years, married for 15 so I have the experience to know. ONLY until I let go and let God take the wheel did I feel at peace and saw how things began to change on their own. He has been sober 2 months now. He struck a chord in me when he had not realized it but he was acting like a baby because he was being treated like one. Immature I know but in a way it made sense to me.
I know Two months is not long but he does not live with me and will not move back home until a full 2 years of sobriety are under his belt. If we made it this long, couple years are nothing in comparison. I also learned to not live so much in the here and now of my feelings. I think what bothered me two years ago does it still bother me now nope :o) WOO Hoo do I feel good today!

Freedom1990

An abuser will never ever get another chance in my life.

My EXAH was abusive in every sense of the word.

When I left him, I thought the biggest part of my problems was over.

I was dead wrong. Because I refused to look at my codependency issues, and why I sought out abusive dysfunctional men, I repeated the same pattern over and over.

I rationalized that each one was different than EXAH because they never physically abused me.

At best they were emotionally unavailable. At worst they were emotionally abusive.

My fear of being alone was greater than any motivation to seek better and not accept the abuse.

When my ex-fiance walked out on my youngest daughter and me, that's when I finally hit my codependent bottom.

Today I know I am worthy of love, kindness, and respect.

I won't settle for anything less.

MsPINKAcres

"I'm the only person he has"

I know this is harsh and probably not want you want to hear -
So please know this is said in a spirit of love, compassion and the voice of experience -

Honey - you aren't enough - none of us are. If we were enough to help them, if we were the ONLY persons they had - there would be no AA, no 12 step-programs, no rehabs, no detox centers, no half-way houses, no treatment centers, and on and on and on,

Each one of our Addicts/Alcoholics has a Higher Power and the most wonderful thing is THAT IT IS NOT US!

I have found for ME - Allowing your loved one to find his own way in recovery is the absolute best thing you can do for him and shifting your focus on your own recovery - is the best thing that can help anyone who fights this awful FAMILY disease of alcoholism/addiction.

Please keep posting here - reaching out for help - attending the al-anon meetings - this stuff is simple, but not easy - it is heartbreaking but well worth it!

Don't give up before the miracle happens IN YOU - remember YOU deserve it!!
HUGS,
Rita

KeepPedaling

You don't sound happy at all. You sound pretty miserable. Personally, after all this time, I think it's pretty clear that he's not going to change with you IN his life. Maybe, he'll change with you out of his life. But what he does doesn't really matter. What you do is what counts. It really is ok for you to take care of you and do what you need to do to become happy and safe again. I'm so sorry that you are going through this.

When he was out of your life for 8 years, was your life happier than it is now?

coffeedrinker

Just wanted to say, this is how I quote something: I click on "quote" then backspace if just a sentence I want to delete from the quote. Otherwise, if it's lengthy, I use the mouse, highlight the text, then whatever is highlighted, will disapear when you hit backspace. Just be careful not to backspace over the bracket and the word "quote" or the magic won't happen.

ALSO,

one of the beautiful things about entering a life of recovery, is that you are introduced to a whole new circle of potential friends, supporters, mentors, etc. These are the people the addict wants to be (or should want) around.

Some of us who have not had the most loving families, when we grow up and learn who we do want in our lives, we get to create our own new families! I sat around a table with about 12 other people (many of whom I'd not yet met) the other night for a passover seder, some jewish, some not, some old (50), some young (17), some (as me) attending one for the first time. It was amazing. People just joining together in celebration and friendship.

LaTeeDa

Excuse me!!!!????? I will be 48 this year and refuse to believe that 50 is OLD! I prefer to see myself as WISE, lol.

Sorry for the hijack, carry on...............

L

Jadmack25

Hold on a cotton picking minute there!!!

Did you say OLD? 50 is OLD!!!!!

Gulp! Oh heck, it looks like someone moved the markers again, darn it.

I just got used to being "old" now I am 65, and now old is 50....so what is 65 now??? (she asks in terror) Move over Methuselah.

God bless

freefalling

You maybe love the man you think he could be without alcohol. What you feel is more like wishful thinking and feeling sorry for him? Love is supposed to be nurturing/kind/trusting/peaceful. Sorry if I sound harsh , but I have same issues after 23 years.

You had to reach out for help. If we reach out for help - they can too. Do not stand in his way of possibly reaching out to the people that can help him.