lulu1974

I am having some trouble with my thinking. He said he would file for divorce a couple weeks ago. I also filed last Thursday but waiting for the court to approve so I can serve him.
But its affecting my self worth for some reason. I feel I need to write about this and get it off my chest even though I am not supposed to think about him..
Its just so shocking that after all the months he tried to reconcile with me..once I found out his little secrets about the affairs website and match.com he wants no contact and said he is filing for divorce and he may have although I havent been served yet.
It just affects my self respect that after all he did he wants to file the paperwork and leave me.
As I said, this is more of getting off my chest. Thanks for listening..
I am putting this out there because I want to face my fear of this.

Ceres

"He said he would file for divorce a couple weeks ago."

Of course he did. He's losing something precious to him: CONTROL over you. Good riddence I say! I'm very sorry you're feeling down.

Hammerhead

Lulu... sorry you're feeling down.... My EXAH said the exact same thing... guess what.... not only did he NOT file for divorce.... he wouldn't help pay for it...so I went it alone....

This is manipulative behavior... all of it. Trust me on this.... he wanted you to find the affairs website AND match.com.... anyone can erase history on a computer... it's easy.... he left it on there to pull your chain, get your goat, etc..... guess what it worked.... but don't feel bad.... Learn. Learn to not repeat the cycle. Learn to walk away. Learn to disengage. Learn to focus on you. You CAN do it...

It will only affect you if you let it... really? Do you want him after ALL he did? Do you want to continue to give your heart, soul and life to someone willing to walk away from for something so cheap? You're worth more than that.... and you know it.

It's ok to feel afraid... you're human.... just know that your fear won't last.... once you're on YOUR path and not HIS.... you WILL Learn to fly.

Take care...

lulu1974

I actually havent lived with him since september and no I am resolved there is only one way out..to leave. I found out the website stuff by cracking his email code and he was being secretive using a picture of himself with sunglasses. It was so lovely to read on those adult websites what he wanted to do to other woman when he was never interested in me. I am just trying to make peace with this part of the divorce process. Thanks so much for your comments.

coffeedrinker

I think it's always more hurtful when we are being left, rather than us being the one to make that decision. But you did make it. Don't fret about it - I think it's just being human.

NewChapter

Lulu: If you had already decided you are better off without him, maybe it's a good thing that he files (IF he does). May save yourself some anger on his part, and will still get to the same place.

My STBXAH threatened and threatened....never filed. Finally, when he was fired from his job for his affair with a secretary, I filed to show myself and my kids how much is too much.

So if you file, great! If he files, great!

Take care. I know how difficult this is.

wanting

Lulu, my XH left me too. I felt all the same things you do. Now I look at it like my HP (higher power) knew I wasn't going to leave, so he stepped in and helped me to get away.

At the same time, I did have to face my abandonment issues. Why did this bother me so much? I knew I should leave, so why did I want to die when he left? For me there were years of abandonment issues to heal. I don't know what the lesson is for you, but I bet there's one there.

Jadmack25

Look on the future goal for you....FREEDOM.

Whether he serves you with papers first, or you serve him first, really is not the vital thing.
The most important for you, is to get free of him and his mind games.

If he does actually do as he threatened, it will be as a further threat to keep you worried and able to be manipulated.....if he doesn't...then you get him and he has the worry and bewilderment.

Look on it as "just get any papers served, and get this nightmare over with.

Spend this time, if you can, planning and making arrangements for when you are free, living as you want and able to enjoy life again, without some idiot upsetting you.

God bless

Kassie2

Hi Lulu,

My RAH said the same may times, and guess what? He takes his ring off but he never files.

I back up what others said, it is just talk on his part. But if that is what you need to do, then push forward and push those thoughts aside. Remember who started this separation process and why.

Freedom1990

I know it's next to impossible to not take things like that personally. We take it upon ourselves that somehow we are less than, not worthy of love. That is so not true!

His actions have everything to do with him, and nothing to do with you.

:ghug3 :ghug3

lulu1974

Thanks so much for all the responses. I think it may be a pride or abandonment issue for me. And I do believe this is about control and manipulation. I guess his kindness attempts werent successful in getting me back so maybe this is his next steps. All the online dating and his threats may be a way to control me.
I think once the papers are served I will feel more at ease. We are expecting them back from the court tomorrow and then my lawyer will send them.
I do have plans and I am frustarted I cant execute many of them. I own the house I live in by myself. He has nothing to do with it and I dont like where I live anymore and I want to sell and move to an area more to my liking and closer to my job. But my lawyer says better to wait for the divorce to be final so he cant go after the profit and I agree.
I did learn something though..HALT is true..whenever I dont sleep well or am over tired is when my emotions are more raw. Hungry too! lol. I am really trying hard to keep straight and I so appreciate the support I get here. I like Alanon but this place really helps me so much more.

Thanks!

Freedom1990

I'm glad you are aware of that. HALT is one thing I work really hard on. Because of my health issues, I have fatigue a lot and that makes me really vulnerable to the codependent thinking.

You are making wonderful progress, my dear!

steve11694

I would thank him for saving you the trouble LOL. Don't take it personally, it is INSANITY

Big hug 2u

nodaybut2day

I too was waiting for the "filing bomb" XAH kept threatening me with, but so far, I think his laziness and lack of cash have kept that threat at bay.

I just wanted to mention what my lawyer told me: in certain cases (as it is with child custody issues or with infidelity), it may even be to your advantage both legally and fiscally to be the respondant and not the plaintiff. So, if he does go ahead and file, yay for you. If not, then you go ahead and do it, and yay for you.

Hadassah

It was so lovely to read on those adult websites what he wanted to do to other woman when he was never interested in me. I am just trying to make peace with this part of the divorce process. Thanks so much for your comments.[/QUOTE]
They say that most of what men put on those sites is lies. He probably won't change for someone else, at least not for long. I say good riddance. Gina

lulu1974

They say that most of what men put on those sites is lies. He probably won't change for someone else, at least not for long. I say good riddance. Gina[/QUOTE]

You know what. You are right and knowing him he will change briefly to show what a great guy he is and then once they are hooked revert back. I should know since I saw that happen with him. LOL. Thanks for bringing this to my attention. You are dead on.