PrettyinPink

As I mentioned in another post, a serious side effect of my situation is that I've been isolating myself. I don't answer the phone, I don't return calls, I rarely email, etc.

More than anyone else, it has been my father and sisters who've borne the brunt of this. See, I'm the oldest, and the one who never screws up. As far as my family is concerned, if they can count on one thing, it's that I will always have my sh*t together. Ugh.

My dad has been divorced from my mother for many years, and she's not in the picture. He's alone, and not young. I feel horrible for wasting what should be our time together, but he's SUCH a worrier and I don't feel I can burden him with the knowledge that things are not as they seem at my house.

How do I dig myself out of this hole and start to let the people around me know that it's not their fault that I've been avoiding them for way too long now? I don't even know where to begin... I feel like I've let everyone down, not least of all myself.

Ceres

"See, I'm the oldest, and the one who never screws up. As far as my family is concerned, if they can count on one thing, it's that I will always have my sh*t together. Ugh."

In my experience, when we, the strong ones finally are able to show OUR vulnerablity - It allows the others to give back, to be strong. That seems to do wonders for them. So, in a way, you may be doing them a dis-service by hiding. But, maybe do wait until you're ready. :-)

TakingCharge999

Hi Pretty in Pink,

I also feel I have let down many friends. One even had a baby and I was too sad to even meet her and the child.

People understand when you are depressed and having a bad time. At least the people I consider friends now.

Also, you are not responsible for your father. In my opinion my mom was alone and old and depressed but guess what she seems happy with her life. When I told my therapist I wanted to work on my relationship with my father she said that I could call or email but HE also KNEW he had a daughter and had to take steps to get closer to ME.

I have read lately about other people suffering for stereotypes or for the image they have in their family...

What gives YOU more peace.. ?

CAPTAINZING2000

What is your relationship with your mother?

PrettyinPink

She cut herself off from her mother, sister, and three daughters about 15 years ago, because, *ahem* something is wrong with all of us and she doesn't care to participate in our lives, or those of her 10 grandchildren. More like the ghosts of her past were catching up with her and she preferred to bail rather than deal with any of it.

She did eventually work things out with her mother and sister to some extent, but even after each of my sisters has begged her at times to talk to them, she has not backed down from her stance with us. I myself am not one to beg.

For the most part, I've accepted this and am okay with it. At least as far as I can tell, anyway. No doubt it's part of my issues though, I know enough to realize that.

CAPTAINZING2000

ouch

Did that ever make you place blame on yourself? How old were you when, your mother cut ties from you and your family???

PrettyinPink

I don't FEEL like I blame myself, I've known my mother to be the hysterical type since I could walk and talk. It almost felt like destiny when she made the break.

When it happened, I was 30, and my sisters about 29 and 25.

CAPTAINZING2000

Why did you say this then?? is it because you don't feel you're living up to their expectations of you or, is it the expectations you've placed upon yourself?

PrettyinPink

Both of these, I'd say.

Like I said, my dad is a chronic worrier. He'll lady in bed with insomnia at night worrying about my sisters and their lives.

I'm supposed to be the one he doesn't have to worry about.

GiveLove

Have you ever visited our "Adult Children of Alcoholics" section, prettyinpink?

I thought of this, reading your post:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ic-family.html

I'm the "together one" too. Or at least I was - then eventually I busted down the barriers I'd put around me to reach out for all the help I could get. A good counselor really helped me a lot......helped me to understand how I became what I became, why I stayed in my relationship (what was in it for me) and why I isolated. One might help you to understand more fully why your mom did what she did, and ease some of that psychic confusion and pain a bit.

Do you think your dad would be happy if he some day found out you'd stayed in an unhealthy relationship because you "didn't want to worry him" ?

Good luck with all of this. There is a lot of help out there, and in here, if you can drop your prescribed roles and just focus on healing yourself, regardless of what anyone else thinks.

You deserve to be happy.

PrettyinPink

Thanks for the link. I probably DO need to visit that forum.

My mother, who employed every method of self help for herself, often referred to herself as an Adult Child of an Alcoholic, even thought her parents didn't drink. They just lived in constant dysfunction, as did my sisters and I... our parents were not drinkers either.

Sigh... I'm feeling really sad right now. Facing all of this isn't easy. I know I'm not going to like it when the fallout begins.

CAPTAINZING2000

Is there things you'd like to be doing?? Are you confident in yourself? Are you isolating for being shy??