Kittyboo

I am a huge people pleaser..... then on the flip side of that I can be incredibly selfish too. I recall plenty of times when I did things for myself, not really caring what others thought about it, when really I should have been more respectful.

I was triggered a few days ago when a friend, who knows the difficulty I have faced with my emotions this year, innocently mentioned something about XA. that he said he was going to call him while he was out "celebrating St. Pattys"..... This is a mutual friend that XA has all of a sudden taken an interest in speaking with, and it actually nauseates me. XA knows that I speak with him all of the time. I have since backed off a little.

But I realized how much work I still have to do. Just hearing that he was going out celebrating really spun me into feeling hurt all over again. I have been doing nothing but feeling the loss of someone I cared about.... and he's out celebrating!?? F*** him I thought! Then cried.

So now I have again wanted to remove myself from those who have a connection to XA. And it's not because of anything they have done, it's just because they remind me of him. It's a trigger.
I really thought I had come so far, and this past week I realized that maybe I haven't. If hearing a simple statement about him can still cause so much hurt, I CLEARLY have a lot more to work on.

And here I am, not wanting to upset anyone because I feel like I need to escape and work on me; not wanting them to take it personally. It's time to stop being a people pleaser! I really shouldn't care what anyone thinks when it comes to my own well being and sanity!

I am finding and not really liking though, that I really don't trust people anymore. Have you ever looked at someone who seems to be so happy and everyone in the world just loves them and never has a bad word to say about them? I sometimes I wish I was that person...... but I don't trust people. I can't stand the people on facebook who are faux friends....people from my past who just request me to view my life, but never speak to me. )And thankfully facebook has awesome privacy settings, so they can't view what I don't want them to) But I really find myself not wanting to let people in, feeling like they will backstab me. I have a select few that I really trust, and I am beginning to realize it is not the quantity of friends, but the quality of friends, and I am so fortunate to have them.
But I don't like it that I have become so distrustful of people. I really feel like my XA was the last nail driven in to make me feel this way.

Wow, I thought I was just going to write a quick entry, but clearly I needed to vent my feelings a little bit.

If anyone out there feels a lack of trust with people, how do you handle that in your life now?
Hope everyone is doing well

wicked

Kittyboo,

<whispering> man, do i get you on this sister. my ex makes a big deal about celebrating St. Patrick's Day! How dare he? He's not even Irish, not even partly. Dammit! Selfish ******* having fun on my forefather's day of celebration and drink and I can't! I am sure St. Patrick is rolling in his grave right now!

I get the paranoid feelings too, Kittyboo. I think it mostly has to do with my depressive disorder, thinking everyone dislikes me or is out to get me for some reason. I really had to laugh myself out of it. I mean, really, could the whole world have it in for Beth? How selfish is that? LOL
I am being very effectively medicated right now, but sometimes those little devilish thoughts sneak in.
One example, I went to fill the windshield washer container on my car and the cap was missing! I always put the cap back on! Who stole my cap?!?!? Sneaky so and so's!
I told my daughter (practical Virgo) she rolled her eyes and said.
"Mom, really? you think someone stole the plastic cap to your windshield wiper container?"
by now, i was in a self righteous fury about how "they" were out to get me. I knew it.
I lifted the hood of the car and said,
"See? It's gone isn't it?"
She came over looked around the engine compartment, and picked it up from right next to the container.
She said, "you mean this?"
:rotfxko

I started laughing and she started laughing. I laughed until tears were running down my cheeks.
Now, I wonder if I am out to get myself!
LOL

wicked

Sorry Kittyboo,
I got off track. I was trying to say that I have to remember it wasnt always like this, and it will get better again.
Not everyone has an agenda. I am careful, but not shut down like I used to be.
time, just a little time and practice.

Kittyboo

my ex makes a big deal about celebrating St. Patrick's Day! How dare he? He's not even Irish, not even partly. Dammit! Selfish ******* having fun on my forefather's day of celebration and drink and I can't! I am sure St. Patrick is rolling in his grave right now!
I had to laugh when I read this. My XA is partly irish....any reason to drink!!!...and he gets a whole day devoted to it!
I should have taken it as a whole reminder that he is in progression mode as far as alcoholism goes, and doesn't care not to be. Isn't THAT what I should be focusing on?

Well, I wouldn't say that I feel the whole world is out to get me... haha... but you know those old aquantances from high school that you weren't really friends with then, and aren't really friends with now seem to pop up. And sadly, people from high school don't seem to change that much.... there are still the gossipy ones. And I was NEVER ever considered the cute one in high school....well, i'm not trying to toot my own horn, but I look considerably different.. And I have already heard that some make comments about my pictures. I mean it just never changes! Someone always has to say something. I really think a lof of it too is that my XA is mutual friends with several high school friends, and though he doesn't really keep in touch with them, they are all a connection to him.

I do keep in mind that not everyone has an agenda, and I do believe you that it gets better.... it always does. But ugh right now I feel so just distrustful again.
I have to say though, just writing this thread here released a lot of what I was feeling.

There is irony to your statement "I wonder if I am out to get myself!"
Man, we can be our own worst enemies. For sure! Time to start being on our own side.

wicked

If I saw anyone I went to high school with (class of '77), I wouldn't know them if they introduced themselves to me. LOL
I say dump the high schoolers, go to college and get some new friends!
Yay! Okay, I know it's not that easy, but maybe you could cull the friend list a little.

wanting

Seriously, just in the past week I've gotten over caring if X is out having fun. It just dawned on me that this is my time to stay in and be alone and do quieter things and that that's good for me and exactly what I need right now. I think before, I was comparing myself to him, and when I took the focus off him and put it on me, I was able to not give a $hit what he's doing. If I am enjoying what I'm doing, why should I care what he's doing? If I'm not enjoying what I'm doing, I should do something that I enjoy. I had a quiet night alone last night and it was so enjoyable. I cooked food that my kids would rather die than eat, and I downloaded music, chatted online with some friends, and watched an SVU marathon.

About the trust issues, you'd think I'd have tons of those since X had an affair with my friend and all, but oddly, I don't. I guess I'm trying to be mindful of what type of people I'm attracting and if I look back I can point out tons of signs that both of those people were not trustworthy. Maybe it would help you to trust more if you could identify signs that you didn't pick up on before, but can see now? I think it helps also to not see people in terms of victims or perpetrators. I'm not a victim and I don't need to worry whether others are perpetrators. I need to give people a chance, check in with myself, and take action when things don't feel right.

I'm sorry if none of that makes sense. I'm having a hard time expressing in words what I've only recently discovered in the past week or so.

wanting

I just read your last post, and it occurred to me that you are having recurring events or feelings happening in your life. This may be a sign that you have an area of your life that's not been dealt with properly yet. This is how I usually take stuff like this in my own life, anyway.

wicked

Well, I for one, am most pleased that you found the time to do the treasure mapping thing.
If you were worried about he was doing, you wouldnt have time for that.
This is one the few things I have been excited about for a long time wanting, and I want to say I appreciate your time and effort.
Alright, enough of the mushy stuff.
LOL

Kittyboo, I think this is exactly right, I had to remember I know these things, just forgot for awhile. It will come back. This I know.

Kittyboo

Oh yes indeed recurring events. But I have also been going to a counselor for the past 6 months, which I have needed.
Definitely most of those events stem from the parent issues.... or rather non parent issues in my case.

So they are being dealt with. I just have a every bad case of obsessing. Soon, I will be surrounded by my friends and family again, and am very much looking forward to that. I should be using this alone time right now to really focus on me, and though I have ..... I still feel a lot of hurt. The time here has also made me realize how important certain friends are in my life, and I need to appreciate them, and stop reaching out to the not so good friends.

I'm definitely building new friends too. Our high school is a bit different, I went to military boarding school, so when you live with your high school friends for 4 years, the bond can be a bit different. But trust me, there are MANY of those people I can live without too. That's why I am grateful for the privacy settings. I have definitely become more private in my life..... I don't know if that is because I am just getting older and realizing what true friendship really means, or that I am building up a wall around myself.
Maybe a bit of both.

And you make sense! Lately when I write, so many different feelings come out, I lose my initial point and feel I don't make sense! haha

Kittyboo

Oh and about me wanting to know what he is doing.... I don't! I think that's why I had such a reaction to hearing that he was going out to get wasted, because I specifically have requested that I not be told what he was doing.
I don't want to know, I don't need to know, I don't care to know.... I am sure he is presenting himself to be having the time of his life back with his ex. I mean their relationship was so fabulous before, he left her after 9 months of marriage. Why wouldn't it be perfect for them now!
..and I don't want to know

wicked

Oh my goodness, Kittyboo. I was raised by an alcoholic army infantry officer. There is a certain amount of loyalty that is expected even when it is not deserved. If you know what I mean.

I am sure you learned much about honor, integrity, and duty. But maybe, secrets were kept, and some were not. Others will not honor you because that is the way they are.
I am sorry. I joined the Army expecting people who understood my loyalty and duty to my country were first and foremost to me. I found some people who thought that was impossible just because I was a woman. Incredible.
Your ex is not an honorable man, and thus does not deserve any room in your head.
Beth

Kittyboo

You are right, my ex is not an honorable man.... atleast not as far as he treated me, not even close.

Ok, high school... granted it was a boarding school, but it was still just high school.LOL It wasn't REALLY the military, though many from our school did join the service after we graduated, like my XA, he is a former marine.

ANd wow, Wicked! Thank you for your service in the Army! I know that it is not a route I feel I could not have gone, and I have great respect for the men and women who get out there and do it! And yes, I can only imagine the discrimination you faced.

wanting

I think things will probably get a lot better once you move home. I know the geographical cure isn't always a win, but I think giving ourselves certain psychological timelines can be helpful. I know that for me, I decided that the new year was going to be a turning point for me, and it was. It's half making the decision and half having the right atmosphere to thrive, if you ask me.

About wanting to know what your X is doing, I wasn't trying to say you wanted to know. What it was for me was the idea of him having a fantastic time while I'm...[insert tragic activity here]. The obsessing was what I needed to overcome. I didn't care to know what he was doing, but I obsessed and imagined him frolicking through the forest with his new-found love of his life, aka my "friend." I didn't pay enough attention to whether I was happy with what I was doing. It seems like my happiness was tied to him. When he dumped her I had a spring in my step for a week.

wanting

Oh and wicked, you're so sweet! I'm excited about Treasure Maps too!

Kittyboo

What it was for me was the idea of him having a fantastic time while I'm...[insert tragic activity here].

I had to LMAO at this!! Sometimes so true.

I think I was just trying to make a point that I don't care what he is doing, for myself.

When you said you had a spring in your step when he dumped her.... well, I have to say it DOES irk me that they are still together. I know I know, I cannot control anyone but myself.
And I shouldn't have a spring in my step because he dumps her, I should have a spring in my step because he's WITH HER.

wicked

You are welcome and it was my honor. And the fools who didn't get it never will, but made me stronger. So, I thank them for that.

I laughed out loud at this, frolicking through the forest! I use the same turn of phrase myself. The image is ridiculous, dancing drunkenly, bouncing off the pines. heehee

wicked

Sounds like a good time for a frolic in the forest!
LOL

wanting

Thank you, thank you, no applause necessary. :p

Kitty, I wasn't a big enough person to be stoked they were together. No freaking way. And not a big enough person to not giggle with glee when they broke up. But hindsight is helpful for me. I can see now that my well-being was entirely wrapped up in the situation.