transformyself

And I'm going crazy. This guy is is nuts, across the board. He is partners with two, strong, beautiful women and can't handle it. We're either goddesses or whores. He vaccillates between the two. It's scary.

I am afraid of him. He is well respected in this community and my other partner and I have been doing damage control, making tons of appearances to our advertisers (who all greet us by rolling their eyes and saying "I don't want to discuss whatever is going on" because he's been going to them and saying god knows what) and to the community in general. I was on a panel last night during a film festival when i should have been home with my kids just to put my face on the paper instead of his. It's stupid.

He has:
escalating cycles of frustration and resentment that end in him quitting, yelling at us and telling us we can have the paper he's done.
Then he calls and texts us offering help, which realistically we need.
Until he's in full blow, "you don't do anything, why isn't anyone talking to me, what the hell is going on here" mode AGAIN.
Then he makes threats and demands. He's damaged the business this last time, after telling us he would go to our advertisers himself and ruin the paper.

The worst part, besides the emotional trauma, is that he's "in love" with Hillary, the other partner, who wants nothing romantically to do with him. And, he has said very violent sexual things to me about what he will do to her. And he's said them to her.

Of course, when he said those things I just shut down and pretended they didn't happen. It took about two weeks for me to sort out how screwed up it was, talk to her about them, give her time to process and recover and by then, he had had another episode, threatening to take over the paper or ruin us.

When I didn't engage, he backpedaled, apologizing and said nevermind, he will let us have the paper and he'll take another mutual project he and H were working on. This is the point where I arranged for a mutual friend, an attorney, to mediate all of this rediculousness on Monday, tomorrow.

When we told him this, he packed up and drove up north home, Turned off his phone and wouldn't reply to the request to attend the meeting.

When the lawyer called him, he said, he'd need 10K to be bought out of the paper, which is absurd, we have $80 in the bank and can barely pay ourselves and get the paper printed and distributed. Gave his laundry list of all the things we've done to him.

And now, this morning, he sends an email saying he DOESN'T WANT TO GIVE UP THE PAPER, HE WANTS US TO STAY IN BUSINESS TOGETHER AND HE'LL BE "LESS BOSSY" BUT HE NEEDS COOPERATION.

He's ******* insane!! He's a ******* alcoholic!!

I am so angry right now. I'm sick to my stomach. Hilary has the same reaction to him. We've wasted so much time dealing with this crap.

I've decided to be very honest with him in mediation. That is making me feel sick. I"m going to tell him I've told Hilary and the attorney about the violent sexual talk and I don't trust him and there's no way on gods green earth I will work with him.

When the attorny asked me about all of the accusations Brad had told him: that Hillary doesnt' really do anything, that neither of us want the paper to succeed, quack quack quack, I told him the violent sexual things Brad had been saying. He, the attorney, was so disturbed he said he had to go.

Here's where I am:

fighting guilt then
becoming nearly enraged that I'm feeling guilt.

Anger, so much anger, that this man has misconstrued these issues into it being our fault we can;t work together. What are we suppose to do, explain to everyone what he's REALLY been doing?

What we've been doing is dressing like Jewish librarians and making sales calls to do damage control.

Oh god. I konw this is a long rant. I guess I need to detach, come up with a game plan and let go. I might walk away from this paper tomorrow. The best thing I can do is remember that i do have other options. Whatever they may be, I can't feel backed into a corner by this nutjob.

coffeedrinker

it sounds very stressful. we all have experience trying to reason with someone who is not rational.

there are numerous issues. with regard to the the business of the paper, his laundry list (or yours for that matter) carry no weight. there is no money value associated with "being in love and rejected", "sending abusive texts" and such. people do valuations of businesses all the time. can you get a realistic value and go from there? i think he needs to decide whether or not he wants to buy you out, you buy him out, or people just start walking away.

right now you're in the thick of it. one day you will look back and see what you're supposed to see in all of this.

sorry...

transformyself

Thanks Coffee
I know we can't control what he does but I believe he will do damage to the paper, at least try to, if he is bought out. One things is for sure, I will NOT work with him. I want no contact at all.

Freedom1990

If you have other options, why in the world do you stick with this job?

I can't see any paycheck worth what has been going on at that job.

transformyself

It's not the job, it's this person.

The job offers me the chance to be the first, leading go to news source in the midwest. The film festival I attended yesterday was full of people saying over and over again how essential this news source is to patients and how happy they are to see it.

The possibilities are unlimited. We've gotten an offer to expand into New Jersey. I love this work, it's the lunatic that makes it unbearable

Jadmack25

Transform, you have turned inside out trying to be nice, calm and civilised with this creep, time to play hard now to try and save your paper.
If you have texts, emails from him that are threatening, or offensive or even just non professional, keep them.

Take an accounting of exactly what contribution to this paper, he has actually made, what work he has done to "get it out".
Account for you and H's contribution and actual work time.

Call this maniac's bluff, and let him know that the damage he has caused by his contact and lies to advertisers will be used in legal action to clear your names of his smears.

As for H maybe she could go him for the remarks he has made, and fear of his sexual threats.

Hope mediation works, but he IS an A and that means anything could happen.

God bless

suki44883

If the only way to keep from dealing with this man is to walk away from the paper, that may be what you need to do. If you are determined to have a paper that you are proud of, it may be that you'll need to do it with other partners, or perhaps now just isn't the right time to take this on. In any case, you need to find a way to have some sanity and peace in your life. What with the alcoholic husband and the alcoholic business partner, it's just too much to be dealing with all at once. Timing is crucial for endeavors of this sort, and it could be that this is just not the right time.

transformyself

Thanks guys. Yes, we have all the texts and emails. It's the confrontation part tomorrow that's making me sick. I know it's necessary but I am exhausted and sick to death of dealing with A's.

NC with STBXAH is going well. That's making me feel better.

And yes, Suki, I think I am prepared to walk away from the paper. Let him have it, if it means being free of him, but as Jadmack points out, and as we all know, anything can happen with these crazy bastards.

But I also think sexual harrasment charges should be filed if that happens because we protect abusers in our society and I'm not willing to perpetuate it. I"m going to just keep praying and trying to stay as sane as possible. I know I need NC, too, and am only eager to accomplish that.

transformyself

AFter thinking about this and your suggestions, I've shifted into acceptance. It's such a relief. Yep, no matter what happens, I am done dealing with Brad. He is a loose cannon, scary.

So he can have the paper or not. Either way, I"m going to do this work. And I think either way, we'll be directly competing with each other.

wicked

acceptance, and now you can go in there without all the emotion tied to it.
of course, being human it will effect you, but now it is not life or death.
what a victory for you already.
congratulations.

freefalling

(((Transform))) I liked the way you speak about your STBXAH and not AH !

WOW!

transformyself

I can't wait to tell you guys what happened today. I can't believe what I did today. I'm too tired right now but will come back tomorrow. I just kept breathing, spoke my truth and stood my ground. I don't feel sorry for him, even though he consistently puts himself into the victim role. We're already being seen as evil wenches who tore out his soul. Yeah, that we are, but he's walking away with ten thousand dollars. Shut up crybaby. Shut up and go away.

transformyself

Good Morning-
Well I have more work to do today than there are hours in the day, but I"m trying to screw my head on right and believe in myself.

It's hard. I want to keep going over and over the conversation yesterday. Micro managing and obsessing about it. But I keep turning away. No thank you. All over.

On the way to the city, H (my other partner) dictated to me what she wanted to say. It was great. It laid out how she had consistently told Brad that his advances were unwelcome, detailed those as well, and listed the rebuttals to his many accusations against her and her work with the paper.

Surmized, it goes like this:

Advances from Brad- that were addressed immediatly and told there was no chance, which he ignored.
Hillary removed friendship, in an effort to have a more business type relationship-which caused him to escalate in his attempts to control her.
Brad quit two weeks ago, then wormed his way back in until he was raging at us again and threatened to take over the paper.

In the mediation, he was shaking and scary. Kept insisting that we just put this all as water under the bridge and continue working together. No. We told him No.

Then he wanted to kill the paper and we'd each start our own. Ok we said. Great. Lawyer started drawign up the papers.

Then he started cryign that he'd worked too hard to let everything go and he wanted the paper. Okay we said.

AFter awhile, he didn't want that eitehr and wanted to know why we couldn't work together.

When Hillary started detailing the above list, he started yelling that "this doesn't have any place here !' and tried to shut her up until she said, "You wanted to know why I won't work with you, this is why"

I sat silent for aobut an hour until Matt (the lawyer) asked me what I thought and I just kept repeating, "No contact." Until brad wanted to know what he had ever done to me. So I told him, repeated the violent, raping threats toward Hillary that he said to me in my sons kitchen.

He denied it. Freaked out. We said, Okay. But we're not working with you. So what are we going to do.

Repeat. For four hours.

Finally, he agreed to a buy out of ten thousand dollars. Didn't want to hand over the files, still has tons of stuff. Agreed to meet back at the office (whie the lawyer is on vacation) Friday at noon to sign the papers. But he wouldn't sign it yesterday.

So of course he's stringing this out. Sent an email out saying he wants a non-disclosure clause in the agreement and threatening to sue us for calling him a sexual preditor. Go ahead. I"m not afraid of you you lying piece of garbage. Go ahead and deny and blame shift. You don't want to fight with me.

I don't want to sign a non -disclosure clause! I hate him so much right now

So right now I"m sort of screwed, have to replace him and all the work he did; layout, editing and distribution, and find others to help with content. Today I've cycled around and around, so angry that he's blaming us, yelling in my house at him. wrote an email and didn't send it.

I"m wasting my time. I'm going to yoga and sweat and breathe for 90 minutes so I can focus on what's important.

transformyself

I forgot to add that he also accused her of having other men "fall in love with you" and said, "what are you doing to these fine men to make them fall in love with you?"

I hate this guy.

suki44883

What a goober.

wanting

What a creep. He wants non-disclosure about why the joint venture ended? As in, he doesn't want you to go around telling people he's a creep?

Are you considering a non-disclosure of your own? You might, since you're worried he'll bad-mouth you to all the advertisers.

transformyself

I have, the stupid part of this is that he's already doing this. He went to our advertisers, and in the meeting when we brought it up he started yelling "who did I tell anything to? Name one person!"

This is THEIR forumn, this drama, this fighting, this bullsh1t. I hate the chess game hate it.
I propose the non disclosure agreement say we can say the following things to people about the break.

We refuse to work together
It was not an amicable break
Brad walked away with a substantial pay off
We keep the paper.

He's going to paint himself as the victim, no matter what.

I'm working on letting it go, as I keep finding myself walking around yelling at thin air about him. It's a waste of time.

gerryP

Non Disclosure means Non Disclosure.

You might be surprised at just how few businesses are interested in what's going on with the paper internally. If they are paying for an advertising spot and they get that....?

transformyself

Gerry I know you're right about that, but he's already gone to several and told them she and I aren't capable of running it without him. They are businesses that know and trust him. So we did damage control all last week, and will need to continue.