Elsie

I don't even know what this post will end up being, I'm not sure what I want to say/write, but I need to get whatever is in me..OUT!
I feel conflicted and lost. I feel like I'm moving backwards here.
I know it's like a broken record, but AXBF (in recovery now) is on day 25(?)

I saw him on the weekend, and it broke my heart. He looked fantastic. I gave him a hug and I think I really hurt myself by doing so.
He handed over our son to me to put him in the van, and was going to walk away...I'm the one who called him back over. Why? WHY? What's WRONG with me? Since then we've been talking quite a bit. I even invited him out to dinner (as friends) next Saturday to congratulate him for making it 30+ days! It's not a romantic thing, I think it's me and my stupid codie behaviour and trying to show him support and say "See? Look how great things can be if you STAY THIS WAY"

I've even toyed with the idea of one day getting back together with him. But then I mentally slap myself and think "What if there's a relapse? What if he relapses and doesn't tell me? What if he's sober for YEARS and then he starts drinking again?" So many what ifs, so many questions.

I still love him, obviously. To me he's like a different person now. The man he is today is nowhere close to the man he was before, adn that's not anything to do with being sober because he's been sober, he's just different now. We all grow and change, he's grown up a lot over the past 6 months.

If I had a magic ball infront of me that told me "Yes, this is IT, he's quit for good, and he's never going to touch alcohol again" I'd be back in his arms faster than I could imagine.

But I don't have one of those, and I can't say that this is IT. I'll forever have that fear of "What if one day...."
Can I live with that? I don't know.
I come here and read about others' stories of thier A's who have relapsed, and it scares me.
He told me last night that he goes onlne and takes those "Are you an alcoholic" quizzes just so he can see it in black and white that he's not got a drinking problem. (For example, he's answering the questions Do you drink alone etc. answering no, so it's telling him he doesn't have a problem. It seemed odd to me, but I told him whatever works for him to keep doing it!

And now my mind is blank....no real rhyme or reason to this post. Just needed to get that out, I feel like I'm confessing some huge sin or something.
I know I should be going NC with him, I know it! I know I should be detatching or detatched completely. I'm free and clear of him, he's not my BF anymore...so why am I doing this to myself? Is it true love? Am I addicted to him? Why does he seem to have this power over me? Is it familiarity? Is it me being scared? What am I scared of? I DO know that I'm terrified of him moving on. To think about him with another woman would have me falling to pieces if I wasn't as strong as I am. To think about him sitting in his place with another woman and playing with our son, completely drives me insane.
Yet I don't feel that way with the father of my other 3 kids. I was married to him and had an easier time walking away.
To backtrack a little I left my 1st husband because he and I knew each other since we were 16, we grew apart, nothing in common, did nothing together etc.
I guess this time it's way different. I still love my AXBF with everything I have, but I had no choice BUT to leave him. When he questioned my motives, when he asked if I didn't love him anymore told him that I left him BECAUSE I love him, because he needs to straighten out his life, and that I cannot be with someone who lies to me about drinking.

I think that this internal conflict in me is causing major stress. I was having (still am a little bit) those pains in my chest/back that I get when I'm really stressed out. I didn't think I was really stressed, but my body is telling me otherwise.
When my kids are here I'm very focused on them, we have fun, laugh, joke, read etc. so this is not affecting me in that way. it's not taking over my entire life, just the quieter moments...I find myself in pain, conflicted etc.

I know I dont have to make decisions now. I know I don't have to make a choice now. I know this is MY life and I will go at my own pace etc.
I just don't know what I want.
I don't know what the right thing is.

I just don't know.

Learn2Live

Gosh Elsie I'm sorry you're feeling this way today. It's just something you have to go through in order to get to where you are going. You sound like a really strong person to me and I know that all of the questions you have will be answered when the time is right. I know you will find the life lesson this person was meant to bring you. There is something about YOU to learn through this experience; I wish I could tell you what it was but I know I can't. What really stood out from your post for me was this:

That just breaks my heart because I know that there must be a very strong feeling of attachment you have to your XBF through your son. So that is maybe a big part of why you are feeling what you are feeling today. Try to go easy on yourself and do something nice for YOU today.

LaTeeDa

Gosh, when I read your post the one thing that comes through for me is paralyzing fear.

What if he relapses?
What if he finds another woman?
What if he stays sober and doesn't want me?
What if.........?

It's as though the outcome of your entire life depends on the actions of this one person. I know how it feels to be so wrapped up in someone else you can't think straight. It doesn't feel good. I remember having a tight knot in my stomach for years. That knot was there for so long that I didn't even notice it--until one day when it went away. WOW.

That was the day I let go. The day I finally realized that his life was his, and mine was mine. And that by focusing so much on his, mine was passing me by.

I couldn't have gotten to that point without a really wise therapist. Do you have a counselor? AlAnon?

L

Elsie

I don't understand what you mean...are you saying he's better off without me?

I'm confused

Oh, and it broke my heart because seeing him looking great and of clear mind, made me want to forget everything and run back.

Elsie

No and no. I have my family and you guys here at SR, and I once had my inner strength but it's failing me at this time.

I just miss him, ya know? His jokes, the way we laughed together, the things we liked.....I still have a couple of his shirts here. I actually took the out of my closet and hugged them. UGH...how pathetic is THAT? If I was someone else looking in on me, I'd puke!

KeepPedaling

I thought about that too when my xabf was in recovery, "can I live with the what-if-he-drinks-again?" If he had stayed sober for another year or more, I'd probably have a better idea if I could live with that feeling. But that feeling is so unsettling. It's uncomfortable. It's like bracing yourself for the sound of a HUGE bomb going off. Not only are all the muscles on your outside all tensed up, but your INSIDES are tensed up. It doesn't feel comfortable or healthy or good. It kinda ruins the being-in-love part for me. Being in love normally feels so fun and free and relaxed...not braced.

I'm sorry you're going through this Elsie. I know you'll figure out whats best for you and what you can and can't live with, though. It just takes a little time. Don't rush yourself though. Just relax and see how you feel each day. No hurry.

Cowgirl1265

Elsie, there is no rule that says you and he can never be a couple again. He is still on the first baby steps of his sobriety, and he is doing great, probably because as Anvilhead suggests, that being apart from the relationship with you forced him to focus on himself and his problems.

While he works on his stuff, you have the time to work on your own stuff. To learn to be free of the need to be dependent on another for your happiness, to learn to love and care for yourself.

Maybe somewhere down the road there will be a relationship for you and XABF. Maybe not. Who can say? In the meantime, you're having a lot of emotion that you are dealing with. That's OK. Those feelings are going to come, fortunately they ebb and flow and become less painful with time.

If you are not in Alanon or seeing a therapist, I strongly encourage you to do so.

ItsmeAlice

Acceptance over more than just powerlessness up against alcoholism has been an incredibly freeing experience for me.

I have accepted that the health and wellness of my loved ones including my XABF could be affected in a negative way by me and sometimes stepping back and supporting them from a distance or even with no contact at all is the most loving thing I can do.

I have a fundamental need to be loved and appareciated to the point that I can put that need right into someone else's lap and leave them overwhelmed with it. I am learning that I have to fulfill my own needs myself and let others be. When I get together with those I love now, my focus is on trying to bring something to the table for them in the way of support, love, and fun rather than take from them.

I read your post and see who I was before I came here. Someone who wasn't providing her own love and comfort but desperate to receive it from someone else. Your XABF is recovering and 100% of his love and comfort right now must go to himself if he is to emerge healthy from this and stay that way. He cannot give what you need right now. Leave him be.

Maybe seeing this time away from him as a necessity for his wellness would help you to keep your needs from him. And maybe this time away can be the grace you must have to find ways to fullfill your own needs for love and comfort rather than yearning to have those from him.

In the future, when you are both able to hold your own emotionally, you can be there for each other in a healthier way, him without the need for alcohol to cope with feelings, and you without needing someone else to absorb yours.

Said with love,

Alice

coffeedrinker

First of all, I COMPLETELY understand those feelings you're having: the FEAR about a relapse, the EXCITEMENT about the prospect of him being back in your life as a friend and lover, the crippling JEALOUSY of even thinking about him with someone else.

But, what I see in the excerpt quoted above, is a Red Flag.

Am I missing something? Um, he doesn't think he has a drinking problem??
I don't get it - what are you saying?!

Elsie, if that's true, then you DO have a crystal ball. There's not way on God's green earth that he will remain sober, if he doesn't even think there's a problem. So, now you know.

TakingCharge999

Elsie, that is why not playing is the only way to win

For my XABF
I felt sad when he drank
I felt sad when he was with me
I felt sad when he seemed better and not drinking anymore (for him like 2 days straight?)
I felt sad when he was with someone else

There's no joy anymore anywhere because trust was broken and there's no way to rebuild it ever. I remember how much I cried and suffered and nothing will ever make me forget what HIS disease made me feel like. (Trash?)

Just pain anyway you want to see it. Of course you miss him as a FRIEND but as a partner? play all the tape thru. He comes with Hyde and it may seem easy now but look at other posts ...see how they end... how often they relapse... how they enjoy having an audience holding their breath. Slow death and suffering for everyone.

His recovery is no joke AND NOR IS YOURS... keep finding your own "recovery system" and I hope you can at least get to Alanon meetings online.

I took anvil's post as a way to say "if you love someone you are happy when they feel better" so to me that means its my ego speaking or making it about me. MY real self wants to strive and relax and trust others and sleep cozy with my cats and wake up and smile. Think of what you want and what YOU need, try to focus once again in your life and plans, even short term ones like planning your day.... it takes practice but there is also no other way to WIN or feel better if you focus in someone else, believe me I did that for 2009 and I was miserable!!

Elsie

I told him tonight that I feel there's too much communication and we need to cut it way back. He understood and said Ok.

I feel like it was doing nothing but hurting me, and that's the opposite of what's supposed to be going on here. It was like this car I'm driving was going in 'reverse', so I'm trying to put it back into 'drive'.

Thanks everyone, I appreciate the words and the support!

ItsmeAlice

That's great to hear Elsie. You thought about what the contact meant to your well being and you did something so very very very hard and that's take a step back when you would rather be with him.

You are so right. You can't get where your driving to be looking in the rearview mirror. Gotta keep those eyes out front. So proud of you!!!

Alice

barb dwyer

Hi Elsie-

My opinion here after reading this is -

the person to look at relapsing maybe ... is *you*.

I mean:
When we're all caught up in someone else -
then it breaks up or whatever
it's as much an adddiction/obsession as any substance.
But we come to a site like SR and read a bit ...
we start taking care of ourselves.... right?

Then we have a contact with the person ....

and all the 'old' obsessing starts up as if there'd been no pause.


exactly like an alcoholic going into a bar after rehab.

That's what I mean by 'relapse' ...
maybe go back and read your early posts.
See what brought you here to SR.

See for yourself the progress you were making.

Then look at today's post.

I think the answer is right in these pages, hon.

It doesn't matter if he relapses or not.
It never did.
you never did control it
and you never will.....

What matters - is YOUR focus of energy.
YOUR attention to life.

See what I'm saying?

I hope so.

Elsie

I do, you're absolutely right. Thank you!

barb dwyer

*whew*

It's always a step out on a limb to WRITE something like that

w/o making it confrontational..... thank YOU!!!