My Annual Attempt to Change My Life?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 34
My Annual Attempt to Change My Life?
Hello again.
It's been nearly a year since my last post, and I noticed my very first post was a year before that. And here I am again, with nothing whatsoever changed.
My story can be seen by viewing my old posts, but apparently it's a common one. I've been married for 21 years to a highly functional alcoholic who treats me like a queen... when he's not yet loaded for the evening.
Our home is so sad now. Of the two boys we have left at home now, one is working and in college, so we don't see a lot of him. The other is in high school with a social life of his own, thank God. Most nights it's just AH and I, alone, in a silent house. Thank God for my dog and my cat, they're my most faithful companions.
When I come in from work, if he's home, I go straight to my room to read or spend time online. He sits outside on the deck, pouring beer down his throat as fast as he can. He sleeps on the couch a lot these days, as his addiction causes huge sleep disturbances (snoring, sleepwalking and talking, etc.) and he at least has the decency to realize it's not fair to keep me up all night, too. To me, we're no longer a couple... more like two roommates living in a home together, barely tolerating one another.
Something snapped in me this morning as I was leaving the house, and I decided once again to try and change my life. I've seen a counselor a few times over the past year (unbeknownst to him), and she told me I needed to get out. I'm not there yet, but once again, I located an Al-Anon meeting near my house, and tonight I'm going. This time I don't care who sees me or what people might say, everyone around here already knows our situation anyway. He's going to FREAK when he he finds out.
The other day I heard my youngest son talking to one of his friends about how much AH works. This was his exact statement, made with a smile on his face: "My dad may be an alcoholic, but he's a workaholic, too." It didn't phase him a bit to say that, and it made me sick. What a way for a kid to grow up, in a life where the term "alcoholic" is part of casual conversation.
There is one thing going on in my life that's new, and I'm hoping that someone can help me understand why. I've isolated myself very much, especially from my father and sisters. I don't call, I don't visit, and I don't know why. They call me sometimes, hurt, puzzled and asking if I'm mad at them. I'm NOT, but I just don't want to be around anyone. I'm already taking an antidepressant, so I'm not sure what's up with that. I just feel powerless to change it.
Wow, I really wrote a book, huh? Anyway, I'm glad this place is here. I just ordered "Co-Dependant No More" for my Kindle and will start on that tonight, after my first Al-Anon meeting. Thanks for listening.
It's been nearly a year since my last post, and I noticed my very first post was a year before that. And here I am again, with nothing whatsoever changed.
My story can be seen by viewing my old posts, but apparently it's a common one. I've been married for 21 years to a highly functional alcoholic who treats me like a queen... when he's not yet loaded for the evening.
Our home is so sad now. Of the two boys we have left at home now, one is working and in college, so we don't see a lot of him. The other is in high school with a social life of his own, thank God. Most nights it's just AH and I, alone, in a silent house. Thank God for my dog and my cat, they're my most faithful companions.
When I come in from work, if he's home, I go straight to my room to read or spend time online. He sits outside on the deck, pouring beer down his throat as fast as he can. He sleeps on the couch a lot these days, as his addiction causes huge sleep disturbances (snoring, sleepwalking and talking, etc.) and he at least has the decency to realize it's not fair to keep me up all night, too. To me, we're no longer a couple... more like two roommates living in a home together, barely tolerating one another.
Something snapped in me this morning as I was leaving the house, and I decided once again to try and change my life. I've seen a counselor a few times over the past year (unbeknownst to him), and she told me I needed to get out. I'm not there yet, but once again, I located an Al-Anon meeting near my house, and tonight I'm going. This time I don't care who sees me or what people might say, everyone around here already knows our situation anyway. He's going to FREAK when he he finds out.
The other day I heard my youngest son talking to one of his friends about how much AH works. This was his exact statement, made with a smile on his face: "My dad may be an alcoholic, but he's a workaholic, too." It didn't phase him a bit to say that, and it made me sick. What a way for a kid to grow up, in a life where the term "alcoholic" is part of casual conversation.
There is one thing going on in my life that's new, and I'm hoping that someone can help me understand why. I've isolated myself very much, especially from my father and sisters. I don't call, I don't visit, and I don't know why. They call me sometimes, hurt, puzzled and asking if I'm mad at them. I'm NOT, but I just don't want to be around anyone. I'm already taking an antidepressant, so I'm not sure what's up with that. I just feel powerless to change it.
Wow, I really wrote a book, huh? Anyway, I'm glad this place is here. I just ordered "Co-Dependant No More" for my Kindle and will start on that tonight, after my first Al-Anon meeting. Thanks for listening.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
((Pretty))
Like so many - your story is similiar to mine a few years ago - only my then AH was abusing RX meds & alcohol -
we resided in the same house - but ceased "living" together for the last few years we were married.
I have been a blessed member of Al-Anon since 09/03/2003 - and it has helped my life become REAL and FREE again.
I just wanted to share with you that YOU deserve a better life than what you are living now. I pray that somehow, someday - you will find the strength, courage and wisdom to seek what is best for you - whether it be staying in this relationship or leaving it - YOUR life can be Happy, Joyous and FREE - we can break the isolation and enjoy life!
We can shake the tendency to withdraw from life and enjoy - to take care of ourselves even if our loved ones don't.
Starting with the Serenity Prayer helped me to take steps in the right direction - none of this happened over nite - but it did slowly happen.
I hope you enjoy the Al-Anon meeting - they were a lifesaver for me.
Please keep reaching out for help - remember YOU ARE WORTH IT!!
Love & HUGS,
Rita
Like so many - your story is similiar to mine a few years ago - only my then AH was abusing RX meds & alcohol -
we resided in the same house - but ceased "living" together for the last few years we were married.
I have been a blessed member of Al-Anon since 09/03/2003 - and it has helped my life become REAL and FREE again.
I just wanted to share with you that YOU deserve a better life than what you are living now. I pray that somehow, someday - you will find the strength, courage and wisdom to seek what is best for you - whether it be staying in this relationship or leaving it - YOUR life can be Happy, Joyous and FREE - we can break the isolation and enjoy life!
We can shake the tendency to withdraw from life and enjoy - to take care of ourselves even if our loved ones don't.
Starting with the Serenity Prayer helped me to take steps in the right direction - none of this happened over nite - but it did slowly happen.
I hope you enjoy the Al-Anon meeting - they were a lifesaver for me.
Please keep reaching out for help - remember YOU ARE WORTH IT!!
Love & HUGS,
Rita
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
When I come in from work, if he's home, I go straight to my room to read or spend time online. He sits outside on the deck, pouring beer down his throat as fast as he can. He sleeps on the couch a lot these days, as his addiction causes huge sleep disturbances (snoring, sleepwalking and talking, etc.) and he at least has the decency to realize it's not fair to keep me up all night, too. To me, we're no longer a couple... more like two roommates living in a home together, barely tolerating one another.
This was my life for three years before the end, so eerily similar, wow. I thought it was more tolerable than the other stories I read where physical abuse and daily chaos are prevalent, but the sadness was so overwhelming at times and the yearly blow ups for us got progressively worse. I wasn't looking forward to what the next one would be. What a miserable way to live.
You know I have two male roommates now. I rarely see them, and one of them is a slovenly man with tendencies like my X, so I choose not to interact with him much anyway, and yet I am happier and healthier now than I was living in the same house with my XABF who was no more than an unloveable roommate as well. I realize I'm emotionally healthier with recovery, too, far more so than the whole 10+ years X and I were together.
Separation from him has allowed me not only to recover from the addicted relationship we had, but to become the person inside that I wanted to be before I ever met him.
I, too, had veered off from family for a lot of reasons...depression, shame, fear of judgement, feeling misunderstood, not wanting to burden them..on and on...but with my new found emotional freedom, I am gaining so much joy in reconnecting with them. I've let a lot of old hurt between us go and lI now look forward to having them in my life.
Things don't change overnight. I try to remember that it took me many many years to get where I ended up. I should expect to invest as much and more time in healing myself from it. It's a long journey and I'm finding peace and contentment in walking the path.
I hope you are ready now for the ride. We're all here to help and support you along the way.
Welcome back, keep posting!!
Alice
This was my life for three years before the end, so eerily similar, wow. I thought it was more tolerable than the other stories I read where physical abuse and daily chaos are prevalent, but the sadness was so overwhelming at times and the yearly blow ups for us got progressively worse. I wasn't looking forward to what the next one would be. What a miserable way to live.
You know I have two male roommates now. I rarely see them, and one of them is a slovenly man with tendencies like my X, so I choose not to interact with him much anyway, and yet I am happier and healthier now than I was living in the same house with my XABF who was no more than an unloveable roommate as well. I realize I'm emotionally healthier with recovery, too, far more so than the whole 10+ years X and I were together.
Separation from him has allowed me not only to recover from the addicted relationship we had, but to become the person inside that I wanted to be before I ever met him.
I, too, had veered off from family for a lot of reasons...depression, shame, fear of judgement, feeling misunderstood, not wanting to burden them..on and on...but with my new found emotional freedom, I am gaining so much joy in reconnecting with them. I've let a lot of old hurt between us go and lI now look forward to having them in my life.
Things don't change overnight. I try to remember that it took me many many years to get where I ended up. I should expect to invest as much and more time in healing myself from it. It's a long journey and I'm finding peace and contentment in walking the path.
I hope you are ready now for the ride. We're all here to help and support you along the way.
Welcome back, keep posting!!
Alice
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
pretty,
i am reading "shame" between the lines of your post.
please don't despair - there is much of life yet to be lived! this stuff you're feeling, and going through, can be addressed!
i don't think there's a person alive who has recognized a serious situation and instantly made a decision to make life-changing changes, and immeidately done it. it simply takes time, and you, like many - most - of us, are processing this. you are also stuck in fear. but you have already taken three steps!
i go to alanon. at the beginning of each meeting, this is read:
We believe alcoholism is a family illness and that changed attitudes can aid recovery.
your husband might be hoppin made, but he will soon learn that you have strength, and power inside you, and right now what you are doing, is taking your power back, instead of giving it away to him.
please keep coming back here. there are a lot of voices of reason, assistance in tackling whatever you face, and support.
i am reading "shame" between the lines of your post.
please don't despair - there is much of life yet to be lived! this stuff you're feeling, and going through, can be addressed!
i don't think there's a person alive who has recognized a serious situation and instantly made a decision to make life-changing changes, and immeidately done it. it simply takes time, and you, like many - most - of us, are processing this. you are also stuck in fear. but you have already taken three steps!
i go to alanon. at the beginning of each meeting, this is read:
We believe alcoholism is a family illness and that changed attitudes can aid recovery.
your husband might be hoppin made, but he will soon learn that you have strength, and power inside you, and right now what you are doing, is taking your power back, instead of giving it away to him.
please keep coming back here. there are a lot of voices of reason, assistance in tackling whatever you face, and support.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 34
You know what I don't get? Why does he want to stay married to ME?
I've detached myself from him to the point that I practically ignore him. I'm not affectionate anymore, and he doesn't get nearly as much sex as he'd like.
I have a good job, but his is much better, so it's not money. I keep up the house, but he does most of the grocery shopping and cooking, since he enjoys it, so it's not like I'm some kind of amazing homemaker.
Our boys are old enough to be quite independent, so the fact that he blanches if I so much as hint at divorce is a mystery to me. He (incorrectly) accuses me of fooling around on him all the time, so what the heck is his attraction to me?
I think for a long time I've hoped that if I was "unloveable" enough that he'd be the one to leave. Or maybe hit me or have an affair, and that way I'd somehow feel better about leaving him.
No dice. He acts as if I'm the love of his life, all the while drinking himself into a coma and becoming more hateful by the minute.
I just don't get it.
I've detached myself from him to the point that I practically ignore him. I'm not affectionate anymore, and he doesn't get nearly as much sex as he'd like.
I have a good job, but his is much better, so it's not money. I keep up the house, but he does most of the grocery shopping and cooking, since he enjoys it, so it's not like I'm some kind of amazing homemaker.
Our boys are old enough to be quite independent, so the fact that he blanches if I so much as hint at divorce is a mystery to me. He (incorrectly) accuses me of fooling around on him all the time, so what the heck is his attraction to me?
I think for a long time I've hoped that if I was "unloveable" enough that he'd be the one to leave. Or maybe hit me or have an affair, and that way I'd somehow feel better about leaving him.
No dice. He acts as if I'm the love of his life, all the while drinking himself into a coma and becoming more hateful by the minute.
I just don't get it.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
I just don't get it.
Don't waste another drop of energy trying to figure out why he won't leave you! Maybe he's secretly hoping you leave him! Alcoholics do not like change - they thrive on routine, complacency, and denial. Unfortunately *sigh* so do we codies!!
Maybe let yourself off the hook of trying to change your life. Maybe try making a list of things or steps you can take to be more the person you dream of being - the person who is that little voice inside you screaming to get out.
Then break your list down into little pieces, bit size pieces, and just tackle one small change at a time. Baby steps still get you where you want to go, and you have a right to live your best life. The past is gone. You are free in this moment.
peace-
b
Don't waste another drop of energy trying to figure out why he won't leave you! Maybe he's secretly hoping you leave him! Alcoholics do not like change - they thrive on routine, complacency, and denial. Unfortunately *sigh* so do we codies!!
Maybe let yourself off the hook of trying to change your life. Maybe try making a list of things or steps you can take to be more the person you dream of being - the person who is that little voice inside you screaming to get out.
Then break your list down into little pieces, bit size pieces, and just tackle one small change at a time. Baby steps still get you where you want to go, and you have a right to live your best life. The past is gone. You are free in this moment.
peace-
b
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
No dice. He acts as if I'm the love of his life, all the while drinking himself into a coma and becoming more hateful by the minute.
I bet he doesnt get it either. When your behavior and your feelings do not match, it can cause anxiety. That may be why he gets agitated when you try to leave. It's called Cognitive Dissonance. Your wanting to leave serves as evidence of the reality he refuses to acknowledge.
Also, his drinking has nothing to do with you. It is faulty reasoning you are using. The teo will never match up. You may very well BE the "love of his life." but he is unable to maintain a good relationship with you.
I bet he doesnt get it either. When your behavior and your feelings do not match, it can cause anxiety. That may be why he gets agitated when you try to leave. It's called Cognitive Dissonance. Your wanting to leave serves as evidence of the reality he refuses to acknowledge.
Also, his drinking has nothing to do with you. It is faulty reasoning you are using. The teo will never match up. You may very well BE the "love of his life." but he is unable to maintain a good relationship with you.
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
Isolation.
For me, it was shame and guilt. I mean, how frakin' stupid could I be? Pretty darned stupid. Incredibly stupid. Why did I let it go on that long? How in the world could someone who had carefully managed her finances to go back to school (at an advanced age) allow this insane drunk to take complete control of her life and threaten her financially every day? Why did I let him mentally and emotionally abuse my child? Why did I keep telling myself, "it'll get better" when it never ever did?
Why?
With all that running through my head, is it any wonder I isolated myself?
Not saying your situation is the same, just my ESH.
For me, it was shame and guilt. I mean, how frakin' stupid could I be? Pretty darned stupid. Incredibly stupid. Why did I let it go on that long? How in the world could someone who had carefully managed her finances to go back to school (at an advanced age) allow this insane drunk to take complete control of her life and threaten her financially every day? Why did I let him mentally and emotionally abuse my child? Why did I keep telling myself, "it'll get better" when it never ever did?
Why?
With all that running through my head, is it any wonder I isolated myself?
Not saying your situation is the same, just my ESH.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: back from the brink
Posts: 457
isolation is one of the symptoms of living with an alcoholic. It's interwoven with the shame we feel for the endurance contest we keep ourselves engaged.
When you are ready, you will be able to take that step into the unknown. It seems scary, but it isn't so bad.
I jumped off the merry-go-round 2 years ago. My head isn't spinning anymore. Life is good!
When you are ready, you will be able to take that step into the unknown. It seems scary, but it isn't so bad.
I jumped off the merry-go-round 2 years ago. My head isn't spinning anymore. Life is good!
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
I went to al-anon for several yrs and worked the program. One day at a time and the change came.
Stick with it and you will learn enough about yourself to know what is the best way to change.
Stick with it and you will learn enough about yourself to know what is the best way to change.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 34
Well, I didn't get to go to the meeting last night. Upon arriving home, I found that he was having a "good" day (meaning he did not appear to be drunk), had cooked a nice supper and was in a pleasant mood. He's smart enough to know when the ice is getting thin.
If I had sprung it on him that I was leaving to attend an Al Anon meeting, I'd have ruined the night for everyone, and would probably still be paying for it. Instead I quietly began reading "Codependent No More" on my Kindle... this way he has no idea what I'm reading.
I made it to about chapter five, and have to admit my jaw dropped when it seemed the author described my life/personality to a "T". Suddenly, LOTS of things make more sense, and I can hardly wait to read more.
It's a start.
If I had sprung it on him that I was leaving to attend an Al Anon meeting, I'd have ruined the night for everyone, and would probably still be paying for it. Instead I quietly began reading "Codependent No More" on my Kindle... this way he has no idea what I'm reading.
I made it to about chapter five, and have to admit my jaw dropped when it seemed the author described my life/personality to a "T". Suddenly, LOTS of things make more sense, and I can hardly wait to read more.
It's a start.
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