New to the F&F board
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 1,224
New to the F&F board
I'm Sarah, and am relatively new to SR. I first joined to help me in the early days of my own recovery. I have good days/weeks and bad days/weeks. But I'm still fighting. More recently I've discovered the Friends and Family board and just need to share the story about my dad.
My dad struggled for 20+ years with bipolar disorder and alcoholism. The last 10 or so years of his life became a revolving door of hospitals/rehabs/psychiatric facilities. Many were the result of attempted suicide. There were more attempts than I can keep track of, and probably more than I know about. I had to distance myself from him for my own sanity and often lost track of where he was. It just hurt too much to ride the roller coaster with him. The constant cycle of hopefullness followed by let down. He completed suicide 5 years ago.
I thought I was at peace with the boundaries that I set when he was alive. And I thought I was prepared for his death. After all, it wasn't a matter of if, it was a matter of when he would die. And I knew it would be by his own hand. My initial decision to distance myself was out of anger and frustration. I simply didn't understand why he kept returning to alcohol. Why he chose it over his kids. Why he chose it over life. I didn't understand the disease. And I think the co-morbid nature of his illnesses complicated it all.
In the last two months, I have learned more the disease of alcoholism as I've begun to face my own issues with it. As I learn and understand more about myself, I understand more about my dad. And the guilt and sadness is pretty raw at times.
The last several years of his life I spoke to him once or twice a year. Usually just as he was reaching rock bottom landing him in the hospital/rehab/psych. facility, or just as he was getting out. The hardest times were when he was getting out. I couldn't help myself from thinking, "this time he's going to be okay," only to have him disappear again. And relive the intense feelings of anger, sadness and let down.
I'll never forget having to clean out his apartment after he died. The dozens of empty bottles of vodka hidden under his mattress, his apartment in complete disarray. The smell. The isolation and desperation that lingered in the air. Even then I didn't understand the depth of his illnesses. I just saw my dad, the drunk. And as much as I was hurting and grieving, I was angry. How could he leave us like that? How could he give up so easily?
Over the course of the last 5 years, and more so recently, I think I'm starting to get it. It wasn't that he gave up easily. He fought for years; and fought hard. His illnesses were just so much bigger than any of us. I do feel guilt for the feelings of disappointment, frustration, anger and loathing that I had. But I truly resented that I didn't have a father. He was a shell of the dad that I knew and loved.
Whenever I start to think that I could never end up like that, I have to remember that at one time, he was the best father I could have ever hoped to have. And that alcoholism took him away. I can't let that happen to me. I won't let it happen.
I miss you dad.
My dad struggled for 20+ years with bipolar disorder and alcoholism. The last 10 or so years of his life became a revolving door of hospitals/rehabs/psychiatric facilities. Many were the result of attempted suicide. There were more attempts than I can keep track of, and probably more than I know about. I had to distance myself from him for my own sanity and often lost track of where he was. It just hurt too much to ride the roller coaster with him. The constant cycle of hopefullness followed by let down. He completed suicide 5 years ago.
I thought I was at peace with the boundaries that I set when he was alive. And I thought I was prepared for his death. After all, it wasn't a matter of if, it was a matter of when he would die. And I knew it would be by his own hand. My initial decision to distance myself was out of anger and frustration. I simply didn't understand why he kept returning to alcohol. Why he chose it over his kids. Why he chose it over life. I didn't understand the disease. And I think the co-morbid nature of his illnesses complicated it all.
In the last two months, I have learned more the disease of alcoholism as I've begun to face my own issues with it. As I learn and understand more about myself, I understand more about my dad. And the guilt and sadness is pretty raw at times.
The last several years of his life I spoke to him once or twice a year. Usually just as he was reaching rock bottom landing him in the hospital/rehab/psych. facility, or just as he was getting out. The hardest times were when he was getting out. I couldn't help myself from thinking, "this time he's going to be okay," only to have him disappear again. And relive the intense feelings of anger, sadness and let down.
I'll never forget having to clean out his apartment after he died. The dozens of empty bottles of vodka hidden under his mattress, his apartment in complete disarray. The smell. The isolation and desperation that lingered in the air. Even then I didn't understand the depth of his illnesses. I just saw my dad, the drunk. And as much as I was hurting and grieving, I was angry. How could he leave us like that? How could he give up so easily?
Over the course of the last 5 years, and more so recently, I think I'm starting to get it. It wasn't that he gave up easily. He fought for years; and fought hard. His illnesses were just so much bigger than any of us. I do feel guilt for the feelings of disappointment, frustration, anger and loathing that I had. But I truly resented that I didn't have a father. He was a shell of the dad that I knew and loved.
Whenever I start to think that I could never end up like that, I have to remember that at one time, he was the best father I could have ever hoped to have. And that alcoholism took him away. I can't let that happen to me. I won't let it happen.
I miss you dad.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
It wasn't that he gave up easily. He fought for years; and fought hard. His illnesses were just so much bigger than any of us.
Whenever I start to think that I could never end up like that, I have to remember that at one time, he was the best father I could have ever hoped to have.
Good messages for all of us; thanks. And welcome!
it is so much bigger than us.
And, he was the best father you could have had, given what he was dealing with.
It sounds like you are beginning to not let that dark cloud of his addiction block your sunshine.
Hugs.
Whenever I start to think that I could never end up like that, I have to remember that at one time, he was the best father I could have ever hoped to have.
Good messages for all of us; thanks. And welcome!
it is so much bigger than us.
And, he was the best father you could have had, given what he was dealing with.
It sounds like you are beginning to not let that dark cloud of his addiction block your sunshine.
Hugs.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 56
Thank you so much for your post. It really spoke to me. No one on this site know this about me (the issues just keep coming), but my biological father is a awful awful alcoholic/drug addict. I see alot of the former you in me. I was never close to him, I don't even refer to him as my father, so it doesn't hurt so bad. But it still hurts when he calls me or when I have to see him. He is going down hill right now very very fast and I'm not sure how much longer he will survive. If was just talking a couple of days ago to my parents (my adopted father) about how I am ready and prepared for him to die. Part of me wishes that he would just do it already so that I can move on. Part of me HATES him. I feel no love only resentment.
"I thought I was at peace with the boundaries that I set when he was alive. And I thought I was prepared for his death. After all, it wasn't a matter of if, it was a matter of when he would die."
This is the part that I can relate to. It sounds though like after the fact you weren't as ready as you thought. You have inspired me to do a little more painful soul searching. I am happy with my boundaries, but that doesn't mean I'm not still very angry.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. You have no idea how much it meant to me.
"I thought I was at peace with the boundaries that I set when he was alive. And I thought I was prepared for his death. After all, it wasn't a matter of if, it was a matter of when he would die."
This is the part that I can relate to. It sounds though like after the fact you weren't as ready as you thought. You have inspired me to do a little more painful soul searching. I am happy with my boundaries, but that doesn't mean I'm not still very angry.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. You have no idea how much it meant to me.
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
Welcome to SR ClearlyHeaded-So glad that you found us....
Your post hit home with me as I grew up with not only my father but a few siblings battling hard to fight this disease-
Sounds like you are in a good place and although it is painful for us to see what those close to us have gone through or are going through.
Love what you stated here because it is so true...
Feeling disappointed in yourself is something that you will work through as you need to realize that you were doing and feeling what you needed to at the time to keep yourself in focus. There is nothing wrong with that....
Check out some of the stickies at the top of the forum and keep posting here-
So sorry for the loss of your Dad
Your post hit home with me as I grew up with not only my father but a few siblings battling hard to fight this disease-
Sounds like you are in a good place and although it is painful for us to see what those close to us have gone through or are going through.
I think I'm starting to get it. It wasn't that he gave up easily. He fought for years; and fought hard.
Feeling disappointed in yourself is something that you will work through as you need to realize that you were doing and feeling what you needed to at the time to keep yourself in focus. There is nothing wrong with that....
Check out some of the stickies at the top of the forum and keep posting here-
So sorry for the loss of your Dad
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Join Date: May 2005
Location: UK and Australia
Posts: 447
So sorry for the loss of your Dad to this terrible disease. Welcome to SR where you will find some wonderful Support and friendship.
SR keeps me sane! Keep posting! we really do care Take care.......... Phiz
SR keeps me sane! Keep posting! we really do care Take care.......... Phiz
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 1,224
jennabe, thanks for your post, too.
I don't even refer to him as my father, so it doesn't hurt so bad. But it still hurts when he calls me or when I have to see him.
I rarely spoke of my father in my adult life. In fact, many of my friends simply assumed my dad wasn't a part of my life. It was easier to just avoid talking about him or thinking about him. But whenever he called, or I got updates that he was on the downward spiral, my heart hurt as if it were the first time we were faced with the reality of his addiction.
If was just talking a couple of days ago to my parents (my adopted father) about how I am ready and prepared for him to die. Part of me wishes that he would just do it already so that I can move on.
That was pretty much how I ended up feeling. Wondering when he'd just get on with the dying part so that both he and I could move on (as well as the rest of the family). It didn't work out that way, though. Part big part of it, I think, was that I was never able to figure out how to navigate our relationship as father and daughter along with his addiction. My brother was always better at calling him out when it was obvious he was actively drinking. I on the other hand never figured out how to to transition from being a little girl who adored her father to the teenager and then young adult who had so much conflict when it came to him. I have amazing memories of our family when we were little. He really was a great father and person. Addiction is a terrible, destructive, soul sucking disease.
Since his death, I have been involved with the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. Being involved with this organization and meeting others who have lost loved ones to suicide - all with unique circumstances and stories - has helped me realize how far reaching mood disorders, addiction and other psychiatric illnesses are and the damage that they and their attached stigmas wreak. It has helped me gain perspective and has helped me find some peace. So far I've done two 20-mile fundraising walks, which begin at dusk and end at sunrise called Out of the Darkness Overnight; they have been awesome (and much needed) experiences.
I wish you peace in your soul searching. There are no easy answers, but unltimately you need to do what is in your own best interest.
I don't even refer to him as my father, so it doesn't hurt so bad. But it still hurts when he calls me or when I have to see him.
I rarely spoke of my father in my adult life. In fact, many of my friends simply assumed my dad wasn't a part of my life. It was easier to just avoid talking about him or thinking about him. But whenever he called, or I got updates that he was on the downward spiral, my heart hurt as if it were the first time we were faced with the reality of his addiction.
If was just talking a couple of days ago to my parents (my adopted father) about how I am ready and prepared for him to die. Part of me wishes that he would just do it already so that I can move on.
That was pretty much how I ended up feeling. Wondering when he'd just get on with the dying part so that both he and I could move on (as well as the rest of the family). It didn't work out that way, though. Part big part of it, I think, was that I was never able to figure out how to navigate our relationship as father and daughter along with his addiction. My brother was always better at calling him out when it was obvious he was actively drinking. I on the other hand never figured out how to to transition from being a little girl who adored her father to the teenager and then young adult who had so much conflict when it came to him. I have amazing memories of our family when we were little. He really was a great father and person. Addiction is a terrible, destructive, soul sucking disease.
Since his death, I have been involved with the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. Being involved with this organization and meeting others who have lost loved ones to suicide - all with unique circumstances and stories - has helped me realize how far reaching mood disorders, addiction and other psychiatric illnesses are and the damage that they and their attached stigmas wreak. It has helped me gain perspective and has helped me find some peace. So far I've done two 20-mile fundraising walks, which begin at dusk and end at sunrise called Out of the Darkness Overnight; they have been awesome (and much needed) experiences.
I wish you peace in your soul searching. There are no easy answers, but unltimately you need to do what is in your own best interest.
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