My 85 year old mother-in-law's drinking problem is now ours too.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Topsfield, MA
Posts: 2
My 85 year old mother-in-law's drinking problem is now ours too.
My husband and I recently opened up our home to his mother (for several reasons) and though we were aware she got drunk occasionally, we didn't know she would hide her drinking from us. She was the wife of an alcoholic and her son is an alcoholic. (I'm not sure where the other family members are). We both drank wine or beer with a meal and can take it or leave it. We decided not to drink at all when she came to live with us (hence the secret drinking). She seems in most ways to be adjusting well to the move (thought the drinking may indicate otherwise?).
On one occasion, when she was taking my husband with her to get acclimated to drive to some places she wanted to go to on her own, she took the rear view mirror off the drivers side door and then proceeded to drive him to and back from their intended destination. She admitted later that she had been drinking.
We have gradually become aware of her secretive drinking (she only once let it get to a point of our noticing) and have determined we need to let her know that is not something we are content to let slide (no three strikes and you are out rule). She is currently visiting (and drinking openly) with some of her other children and is due back next month.
We would like her to continue living with us but want to have safe boundaries with her driving and not knowing if she is impaired or not doesn't sit well with us.
My husband and I have been talking with a counselor who specializes in understanding the alcoholic and have been to an al anon meeting together. I am looking for some more information from other family members who might have been through similar situations. Most of what I look up is from children who grew up with alcoholic parents, not adult children with aging alcoholic parents. I don't believe she drank when she was raising her children, or even later on, it seems to be in the last 8 years or so.
On one occasion, when she was taking my husband with her to get acclimated to drive to some places she wanted to go to on her own, she took the rear view mirror off the drivers side door and then proceeded to drive him to and back from their intended destination. She admitted later that she had been drinking.
We have gradually become aware of her secretive drinking (she only once let it get to a point of our noticing) and have determined we need to let her know that is not something we are content to let slide (no three strikes and you are out rule). She is currently visiting (and drinking openly) with some of her other children and is due back next month.
We would like her to continue living with us but want to have safe boundaries with her driving and not knowing if she is impaired or not doesn't sit well with us.
My husband and I have been talking with a counselor who specializes in understanding the alcoholic and have been to an al anon meeting together. I am looking for some more information from other family members who might have been through similar situations. Most of what I look up is from children who grew up with alcoholic parents, not adult children with aging alcoholic parents. I don't believe she drank when she was raising her children, or even later on, it seems to be in the last 8 years or so.
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,548
Maybe she shouldn't be driving at all? Tough call to make. I mention it because apart from Dad's drinking, it's quite likely he shouldn't have been driving anyway. My father started drinking more once he was retired. Unfortunately, he didn't stop driving until he had a DUI vehicular manslaughter conviction. It's a hard way to learn the lesson.
A check up with her doctor may be in order. S/he may give you the ammunition you need to have her license revoked. ( I'm certain this is not what you want to hear.) Do you live in an area where taxis are available? Public transportation?
One letter writer to Dear Abby said she sold her mother's car and put the money into a separate account for taxis. The daughter arranged with the taxi company to have the same two or three drivers respond to her Mother's calls, and the daughter paid the bill plus tip at the end of each month.
A check up with her doctor may be in order. S/he may give you the ammunition you need to have her license revoked. ( I'm certain this is not what you want to hear.) Do you live in an area where taxis are available? Public transportation?
One letter writer to Dear Abby said she sold her mother's car and put the money into a separate account for taxis. The daughter arranged with the taxi company to have the same two or three drivers respond to her Mother's calls, and the daughter paid the bill plus tip at the end of each month.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: MASSACHUSETTS
Posts: 441
I am thinking she should definitely not be driving. It is tough to do, I know because we had to do it to my Mom last year. As they age, the motor skills, eyesight etc. effect their driving and add alcohol....
The first thing that comes to mind is her safety and the safety of others on the road. Unfotunately, it sounds like it is time to pull the plug on the license.
The first thing that comes to mind is her safety and the safety of others on the road. Unfotunately, it sounds like it is time to pull the plug on the license.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,784
I agree that you've got to set some boundaries with mother in law. If you don't want her drinking in your home, make it clear to her that drinking will not be tolerated. As to her driving... if she's drinking and driving that's an accident waiting to happen. If it were me I wouldn't let her drive at all, no matter how I had to do that.
Your house, your rules. I hope you can get this taken care of, for her safety and your peace of mind.
Your house, your rules. I hope you can get this taken care of, for her safety and your peace of mind.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
85, drinking, and driving?!? Sounds like disaster and heartbreak waiting to happen. If it were me and my mother, I would set down the rules for my home and let her choose. But also offer my support in these efforts. She probably should consult her physician also, as there are differences in alcoholism in geriatric patients, especially if they started drinking in old age.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Topsfield, MA
Posts: 2
What about the last 3 "C"?
If I am learning the right information about living with an alcoholic how do the suggestions to stop my mother-in-law from drinking and driving fit in with the last of the 3 "C's"? I didn't cause it, I can't cure it, I can't control it. Isn't telling her she can't drive and we will take away her keys controlling her? What do you do if your alcoholic isn't 85 years old?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
I see it as a difference between "controlling" and "consequences."
She drinks excessively and therefore it is illegal for her to drive. So you taking the keys is a consequence of her drinking - it is not done to control her drinking - it is done to protect innocent people from her impaired driving. You aren't stopping her from drinking, you are letting her see the consequence of her drinking though.
These types of questions are so good to ask! Because they aren't always easy to answer.
peace-
b
She drinks excessively and therefore it is illegal for her to drive. So you taking the keys is a consequence of her drinking - it is not done to control her drinking - it is done to protect innocent people from her impaired driving. You aren't stopping her from drinking, you are letting her see the consequence of her drinking though.
These types of questions are so good to ask! Because they aren't always easy to answer.
peace-
b
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