I need some support please (first post)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 4
I need some support please (first post)
Hello Everyone,
Before I start, I just want to thank everyone for sharing their story's and experience. Just reading the threads has been comforting to me, and I do not feel so alone anymore.
My husband is an alcoholic. Before we met, he had 8 years sober, but when we met he had just started drinking again. I never knew he was an alcoholic, nor did I understand the severity of the disease of alcoholism. About two years ago, I accepted that I knew my husband was an alcoholic. I knew that drinking 8 beers average every night was not normal, but I also knew it was not my choice, and left it alone. THe odd time I would mention his drinking bothered me, but he didn't care. WE had the classic disfunctional relationship also, where he would pick fights to go out and drink, I never realised that was why, but it was. Although he does have wonderful qualities, and is a great husband in a lot of ways, he has totally destroyed me over the last few years, with the blaming, and drunken arguing, the terrible things that were said "out of anger"(so I just should let it go right, because he didn't mean any of it, it was just out of anger) Finally come December of this year, I had enough of watching himself slowly kill himself. He looked awful, he was up to 15+ beer a day that I knew of, he was even turing yellow. He would start drinking at 5pm until he passed out around 1 or 2 am. He would tell me he knew he was an alcoholic, and I should just accept him. It wasn't my business, his drinking didn't affect us. Right. WE have 2 children together, and I told him I was not sticking around for this, and as much as I do love him and accept him, I do not have to accept the alcoholism. I told him you can have the marriage and the bottle, it just doesn't work that way and you know it. He got mad, went out and got INCREDIBLY drunk. Came home, passed out, only to get up an hour later and p-eed* all over our stairs, when I told him to stop, he walked into the bathroom and continued to pee* all over our childrens bathtoys.
The next day when he got up, I told him again, I don't have to put up with that stuff, and told him what he did. He said he was going to go to AA. He has now been sober for almost a month after 11 years of being drunk. He attends 2 AA meetings everyday, and is very serious about following through with the steps. He already looks like a new person, healthier, and I am so proud of him in a lot of ways. He is doing the right thing for himself and for our family. Here is the kicker.....
I am a mess. I am more angry with him now then I was when he was drinking and I don't understand why. I hate that he is gone everynight and I am left to deal with the kids, supper, dishes, bedtime, everything by myself. I am mad that I have been the one holding us together, and now it is all about him and his recovery and his sobriety, and I am just sitting here left to pick up the peices. He is still SO moody, and although he is being better at times, he is really mean at others. Short, cold, takes me the wrong way. If I say some thing the wrong way, he takes EVERYTHING personally, like its all about him. Also, before he wasn't really active in dicipline with kids, more just "play time fun dad" and now he is interfering when I try and tell our son to do things, telling me I should be dong things different, and its like WTF. Our son is acting out because of the changes, and he feels guilty because he knows its in response to his behavior, and the previous arguments infront of him. He is just very difficult to be around right now, its like sometimes its great, and sometimes its hell.
To top it off, about 2 weeks into his sobriety, we had a really nice romantic evening, it was the first time we have been together with him sober probably ever, and 2 weeks later, I find out I am expecting our 3rd baby. We are happy about the baby, and maybe its partly hormones that is making me feel this way, but I am just so sad, and I feel lonely, and I feel like does he really love me, or was he just in a drunken daze our whole relationship. Now that he is sober I feel like he wants nothing to do with me. I mean he was like tha twhen he was drunk at times, but I thought it was because of the booze. He is so hot and cold. He has been distant and cold, but then he will be not bad, and then be sweet. He brought me flowers yeasturday, but then got mad at me later in the evening for not agreeing with him about medicine and our son. Again, the moods swings. Just today, the doctors office called and asked me to come to my appt today instead of tomorrow, so I did, and it was long, almost 2 hours. I came home, and he was annoyed, said I probably wasn't even at the doctors, and now has gone out. I feel like I am on a yo-yo, wondering what mood he is going to be in. I feel left out that I can't help him in his recovery and that despiite standing by him for the last 7 years, I feel like he is shutting me out, and can only relate to the AA people. He doesn't appreciate me or my loyalty, or if he does, he keeps it to himself. He goes to the meetings, and then out for coffee...or breakfast with these people...while I am left alone with the kids.....everyday. While he does come home right away from some meetings, most of the time he goes for coffee, or to write somewhere, and I just feel like its so unfair. I would LOVE to go somewhere to wrote by myself, but I never get time to myself. While I know he NEEDS to go to these meetings and keep in the program as this is life and death for him, I feel so neglected, unimportant, angry, hurt and sad. When does it start getting better. In his eyes, everything is still all my fault.(except his drinking, which he takes full responsibility for) I expect him to continue with daily meeting for a long time, maybe forever. He got mad at me the other night and said in a year from now we will see about working on stuff with us, I am focusing on me and my sobriety right now. I know he needs to, but why can't he also make some time for me and our marriage?
SOrry this is so long, I am just so lost. I don't understand why I felt better about me, and was able to focus on my own thing and was really happy with what I was doing in my life when he was drinking. His alcoholism didn't distract me, I jsut disconnected I guess, and now that he is recovering, I can't focus, I am just so all over the place, you would think I would be happier. I went to an open meeting with him last week and really liked it. I want to go to al anon, but, we don't have a regular sitter, and HIS meetings come first....
If you made it this far, thanks for reading.
Before I start, I just want to thank everyone for sharing their story's and experience. Just reading the threads has been comforting to me, and I do not feel so alone anymore.
My husband is an alcoholic. Before we met, he had 8 years sober, but when we met he had just started drinking again. I never knew he was an alcoholic, nor did I understand the severity of the disease of alcoholism. About two years ago, I accepted that I knew my husband was an alcoholic. I knew that drinking 8 beers average every night was not normal, but I also knew it was not my choice, and left it alone. THe odd time I would mention his drinking bothered me, but he didn't care. WE had the classic disfunctional relationship also, where he would pick fights to go out and drink, I never realised that was why, but it was. Although he does have wonderful qualities, and is a great husband in a lot of ways, he has totally destroyed me over the last few years, with the blaming, and drunken arguing, the terrible things that were said "out of anger"(so I just should let it go right, because he didn't mean any of it, it was just out of anger) Finally come December of this year, I had enough of watching himself slowly kill himself. He looked awful, he was up to 15+ beer a day that I knew of, he was even turing yellow. He would start drinking at 5pm until he passed out around 1 or 2 am. He would tell me he knew he was an alcoholic, and I should just accept him. It wasn't my business, his drinking didn't affect us. Right. WE have 2 children together, and I told him I was not sticking around for this, and as much as I do love him and accept him, I do not have to accept the alcoholism. I told him you can have the marriage and the bottle, it just doesn't work that way and you know it. He got mad, went out and got INCREDIBLY drunk. Came home, passed out, only to get up an hour later and p-eed* all over our stairs, when I told him to stop, he walked into the bathroom and continued to pee* all over our childrens bathtoys.
The next day when he got up, I told him again, I don't have to put up with that stuff, and told him what he did. He said he was going to go to AA. He has now been sober for almost a month after 11 years of being drunk. He attends 2 AA meetings everyday, and is very serious about following through with the steps. He already looks like a new person, healthier, and I am so proud of him in a lot of ways. He is doing the right thing for himself and for our family. Here is the kicker.....
I am a mess. I am more angry with him now then I was when he was drinking and I don't understand why. I hate that he is gone everynight and I am left to deal with the kids, supper, dishes, bedtime, everything by myself. I am mad that I have been the one holding us together, and now it is all about him and his recovery and his sobriety, and I am just sitting here left to pick up the peices. He is still SO moody, and although he is being better at times, he is really mean at others. Short, cold, takes me the wrong way. If I say some thing the wrong way, he takes EVERYTHING personally, like its all about him. Also, before he wasn't really active in dicipline with kids, more just "play time fun dad" and now he is interfering when I try and tell our son to do things, telling me I should be dong things different, and its like WTF. Our son is acting out because of the changes, and he feels guilty because he knows its in response to his behavior, and the previous arguments infront of him. He is just very difficult to be around right now, its like sometimes its great, and sometimes its hell.
To top it off, about 2 weeks into his sobriety, we had a really nice romantic evening, it was the first time we have been together with him sober probably ever, and 2 weeks later, I find out I am expecting our 3rd baby. We are happy about the baby, and maybe its partly hormones that is making me feel this way, but I am just so sad, and I feel lonely, and I feel like does he really love me, or was he just in a drunken daze our whole relationship. Now that he is sober I feel like he wants nothing to do with me. I mean he was like tha twhen he was drunk at times, but I thought it was because of the booze. He is so hot and cold. He has been distant and cold, but then he will be not bad, and then be sweet. He brought me flowers yeasturday, but then got mad at me later in the evening for not agreeing with him about medicine and our son. Again, the moods swings. Just today, the doctors office called and asked me to come to my appt today instead of tomorrow, so I did, and it was long, almost 2 hours. I came home, and he was annoyed, said I probably wasn't even at the doctors, and now has gone out. I feel like I am on a yo-yo, wondering what mood he is going to be in. I feel left out that I can't help him in his recovery and that despiite standing by him for the last 7 years, I feel like he is shutting me out, and can only relate to the AA people. He doesn't appreciate me or my loyalty, or if he does, he keeps it to himself. He goes to the meetings, and then out for coffee...or breakfast with these people...while I am left alone with the kids.....everyday. While he does come home right away from some meetings, most of the time he goes for coffee, or to write somewhere, and I just feel like its so unfair. I would LOVE to go somewhere to wrote by myself, but I never get time to myself. While I know he NEEDS to go to these meetings and keep in the program as this is life and death for him, I feel so neglected, unimportant, angry, hurt and sad. When does it start getting better. In his eyes, everything is still all my fault.(except his drinking, which he takes full responsibility for) I expect him to continue with daily meeting for a long time, maybe forever. He got mad at me the other night and said in a year from now we will see about working on stuff with us, I am focusing on me and my sobriety right now. I know he needs to, but why can't he also make some time for me and our marriage?
SOrry this is so long, I am just so lost. I don't understand why I felt better about me, and was able to focus on my own thing and was really happy with what I was doing in my life when he was drinking. His alcoholism didn't distract me, I jsut disconnected I guess, and now that he is recovering, I can't focus, I am just so all over the place, you would think I would be happier. I went to an open meeting with him last week and really liked it. I want to go to al anon, but, we don't have a regular sitter, and HIS meetings come first....
If you made it this far, thanks for reading.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
Hi there. Welcome.
I think you absolutely HAVE to go to al-anon. Even if it is one meeting a week - he could do this for you, I would think.
Or else you are going to have to find a sitter and get her trained before #3 shows up!
I hear that living with a RA is HARD, and I don't know that myself, as my AH never made it to that point. So be kind to yourself. Can you find a therapist? You definitely deserve a break and a way to get out of his orbit.
There is so much great info on here. Read and post - it's a great source of knowledge.
I think you absolutely HAVE to go to al-anon. Even if it is one meeting a week - he could do this for you, I would think.
Or else you are going to have to find a sitter and get her trained before #3 shows up!
I hear that living with a RA is HARD, and I don't know that myself, as my AH never made it to that point. So be kind to yourself. Can you find a therapist? You definitely deserve a break and a way to get out of his orbit.
There is so much great info on here. Read and post - it's a great source of knowledge.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Somewhere, our planet
Posts: 174
Welcome, and I'm so sorry to read that you're experiencing such an awful mess. 
It's so sad to go through this: frustrating, sad, and emotional.
Even if you don't feel ready to go to Al Anon just yet, keep posting here. It helps. We all understand what you're going through.
Sending you hugs.
It's so sad to go through this: frustrating, sad, and emotional. Even if you don't feel ready to go to Al Anon just yet, keep posting here. It helps. We all understand what you're going through.
Sending you hugs.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
Hugs to you!!!
Welcome!!
I do not have a husband in recovery, so I can't speak to that, but there will be others along soon that will be able to.
You have gone through a lot and just now, it seems, you are allowing yourself to really see everything. His going into recovery has allowed a shift in you to see a bit more...and that is a gift to you - to begin to see what works and what doesn't.
Hooray for him going into recovery.
As to you...his recovery does not change you and your family's needs. Nor does being pregnant. (Congrats, by the way!)
I hear in your post that there are ways your husband acts that make you feel badly.
You have a right to have limits about what is and is not acceptable in your life, whether your husband is in recovery or an alcoholic or any other circumstance one could dream up.
Alanon would be the best place to get support. Perhaps you can begin brainstorming if there is a friend, family member, parent at your kids school, or someone else that could babysit.
You said, "his recovery comes first", but really, his recovery needs come first FOR HIM.
YOUR recovery needs have to come first for you. (IMHO)
Consider buying Codependent No More by Melody Beattie and Under the Influence to start to understand alcoholism and codependency.
I have also heard about PAWS - Post Acute Withdrawl Symptoms Post Acute Withdrawl - Relapse Prevention Specialists - TLC The Living Center
These symptoms can last a long time, so that may be at play, too.
Another idea would be to post or read on the alcoholism forum, since you can read about other people going through the same stages.
Just because your husband is in recovery doesn't take away everything that you have experienced. It certainly doesn't take away your feelings (which is good, because they are still there to learn from!).
One idea is that your anger (and hurt and upset) is a message to you that you have a boundary that you have been stepping over (and allowing others to ignore, as well). So, get out a journal, and/or find a therapist, and/or find an Alanon or Codependency meeting and start acknowledging all those feelings. Open yourself to ask (the Universe, your Higher Power, God, yourself - whatever) what are those feelings telling you about YOUR needs? You don't need to DO anything. Just start opening to the wisdom.
Also check out the stickies on the top of the forum for tons of great reading info.
Hugs. Stick around!
Wife
Welcome!!
I do not have a husband in recovery, so I can't speak to that, but there will be others along soon that will be able to.
You have gone through a lot and just now, it seems, you are allowing yourself to really see everything. His going into recovery has allowed a shift in you to see a bit more...and that is a gift to you - to begin to see what works and what doesn't.
Hooray for him going into recovery.
As to you...his recovery does not change you and your family's needs. Nor does being pregnant. (Congrats, by the way!)
I hear in your post that there are ways your husband acts that make you feel badly.
You have a right to have limits about what is and is not acceptable in your life, whether your husband is in recovery or an alcoholic or any other circumstance one could dream up.
Alanon would be the best place to get support. Perhaps you can begin brainstorming if there is a friend, family member, parent at your kids school, or someone else that could babysit.
You said, "his recovery comes first", but really, his recovery needs come first FOR HIM.
YOUR recovery needs have to come first for you. (IMHO)
Consider buying Codependent No More by Melody Beattie and Under the Influence to start to understand alcoholism and codependency.
I have also heard about PAWS - Post Acute Withdrawl Symptoms Post Acute Withdrawl - Relapse Prevention Specialists - TLC The Living Center
These symptoms can last a long time, so that may be at play, too.
Another idea would be to post or read on the alcoholism forum, since you can read about other people going through the same stages.
Just because your husband is in recovery doesn't take away everything that you have experienced. It certainly doesn't take away your feelings (which is good, because they are still there to learn from!).
One idea is that your anger (and hurt and upset) is a message to you that you have a boundary that you have been stepping over (and allowing others to ignore, as well). So, get out a journal, and/or find a therapist, and/or find an Alanon or Codependency meeting and start acknowledging all those feelings. Open yourself to ask (the Universe, your Higher Power, God, yourself - whatever) what are those feelings telling you about YOUR needs? You don't need to DO anything. Just start opening to the wisdom.
Also check out the stickies on the top of the forum for tons of great reading info.
Hugs. Stick around!
Wife
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 598
I have found that my AH is the most selfish person on the face of the Earth - drinking or not. Take Care of yourself- he is taking care of himself now . He s putting himself first. You have to take care and do things for yourself so you can be strong and continue being a great Mom for those kids. No matter how my day is or how small the act is I try to do something special for myself every day. You are worth it. Self Love is Key!
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the Sober Recovery Family!
Pull out that keyboard and make yourself at home! We're glad you found us!
I understand your frustration. He is finally sober, but he is still focused on his needs, his recovery and his life.
The good news is:
You can now focus on your needs, your recovery and your life!
How?
Well, that will take time and effort, but it is soooo rewarding!
Alanon has helped me with face to face support. It is for friends and family of alcoholics and follows the same 12 steps as AA. Invest in yourself and hire a sitter so that you too can begin your recovery from living with active addiction.
I also find help and support 24/7 here at SR. Another resource is self-help books. One of my favorite is Melody Beattie's book "Codependent No More". I like her definition of codependency best:
"A codependent person is one who has let another person's behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person's behavior."
I was in the habit of trying to control everything in my alcoholic's environment to prevent a binge. I was walking around on eggshells and forgetting to take care of myself. I am a work in progress, but learning to love myself and take better care of me.
Congratulations on the new life inside you! Please reach out for support for yourself as your family walks through recovery together.
I am a recovering codpendent, a recovering spouse of an alcoholic and I am a recovering alcoholic. Your husband is still on an emotional rollercoaster. His body will still be going through withdrawals during the first six weeks. It will take months before the brain begins to recover from alcohol addiction. I am not making excuses for bad behavior. Unacceptable behavior should not be accepted. His emotional maturity is stunted from using alcohol as a crutch for years. It will take time and work with his sponsor to develop new skills for dealing with life on lifes terms.
Together we recover, One Day At A Time
Pull out that keyboard and make yourself at home! We're glad you found us!
I understand your frustration. He is finally sober, but he is still focused on his needs, his recovery and his life.
The good news is:
You can now focus on your needs, your recovery and your life!
How?
Well, that will take time and effort, but it is soooo rewarding!
Alanon has helped me with face to face support. It is for friends and family of alcoholics and follows the same 12 steps as AA. Invest in yourself and hire a sitter so that you too can begin your recovery from living with active addiction.
I also find help and support 24/7 here at SR. Another resource is self-help books. One of my favorite is Melody Beattie's book "Codependent No More". I like her definition of codependency best:
"A codependent person is one who has let another person's behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person's behavior."
I was in the habit of trying to control everything in my alcoholic's environment to prevent a binge. I was walking around on eggshells and forgetting to take care of myself. I am a work in progress, but learning to love myself and take better care of me.
Congratulations on the new life inside you! Please reach out for support for yourself as your family walks through recovery together.
I am a recovering codpendent, a recovering spouse of an alcoholic and I am a recovering alcoholic. Your husband is still on an emotional rollercoaster. His body will still be going through withdrawals during the first six weeks. It will take months before the brain begins to recover from alcohol addiction. I am not making excuses for bad behavior. Unacceptable behavior should not be accepted. His emotional maturity is stunted from using alcohol as a crutch for years. It will take time and work with his sponsor to develop new skills for dealing with life on lifes terms.
Together we recover, One Day At A Time
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
At the risk of sounding like I'm on "his side", I am gonna say give this some time.
You certainly have every right to be tee-d off and I will venture a guess that it's been building and building for quite some time. I'm guessing that "why now...now that he's sober" is about the fact that you're still not getting your needs met in the relationship - as wife and as parenting partner.
Again, at the risk of cutting him too much (in your opinion) slack, quitting the drinking is HUGE. This is a change for him on many levels. Sometime down the road in his recovery, he will be encouraged to look at past behaviors and how they have affected the people in his life. Right now, after [only] one month of sobriety, he is still getting his sea legs.
If you can think about this:
the husband you chose years ago, and the father of your children, for the first time in his and your life, has a chance of actually becoming the man you want him to be. It won't be easy, it won't be simple and it won't be without some pain along the way -
perhaps your perspective may change a little and your patience will pay off with the many rewards that sobriety can bring.
You certainly have every right to be tee-d off and I will venture a guess that it's been building and building for quite some time. I'm guessing that "why now...now that he's sober" is about the fact that you're still not getting your needs met in the relationship - as wife and as parenting partner.
Again, at the risk of cutting him too much (in your opinion) slack, quitting the drinking is HUGE. This is a change for him on many levels. Sometime down the road in his recovery, he will be encouraged to look at past behaviors and how they have affected the people in his life. Right now, after [only] one month of sobriety, he is still getting his sea legs.
If you can think about this:
the husband you chose years ago, and the father of your children, for the first time in his and your life, has a chance of actually becoming the man you want him to be. It won't be easy, it won't be simple and it won't be without some pain along the way -
perhaps your perspective may change a little and your patience will pay off with the many rewards that sobriety can bring.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Upper Midwest
Posts: 220
Welcome to SR! I would also recommend Al-Anon. I believe there are some online meetings if you really can't make it to a meeting. I have found a lot of comfort in the al-anon literature (like the daily meditation books). You may be able to find some support by telephone also.
I wish you all the best - keeping the focus on me and working my own recovery program has very slowly been changing my life.
I wish you all the best - keeping the focus on me and working my own recovery program has very slowly been changing my life.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 4
Thank you for the replys.
I want you all to know I do support my husband, and I do understand that these feelings I am having are not fair to him. I do not voice these feeling to him, and I know I need al annon. This was the first time I have "vented" to anyone about this. I haven't talked about it at all, so I apologise if I came accross as ungrateful that he is recovering and has/is taking the proper steps. I am so grateful and I do support him 100%. I try not to show anger towards him, nor do I complain about his meetings, I encourage him to go, as well as try to attend the open meetings with him when it is possible.
I guess I am just having a hard time because I never thought his drinking really affected me, I never realised how much it affected me, until he actually did quit, and is going through this process, KWIM. I didn't realise how severe his alcoholism was, and how unhealthy he was. I mean, he looks like a differant person, like 10 years younger then he did 30 days a go. I am SO happy that he is getting healthy, but I just didn't think his getting healthy would be so hard. I think I thought he would quite drinking, and we would just go on to have a normal life. I know we will, and we are on the way, but it is very hard right now. Being a wife, I want to be able to help him, to comfort him, to make him feel better, but I can't, he needs those in AA for that, and that is where I am feeling lonely and left out. This is where I need the al anon. I know I have co-dependancy issues, I grew up in a co-dependant household. I have the book you are refuring to co-dependant no more(although its been a while since I read it) The thing is, I started my own spiritual jouney 10 months ago, and had grown leaps and bounds. I had self esteem, self worth, I never thought even possible, I was standing up for myself, making great choices, living life, and was doing SO great. That is what gave me the confidence to tell him, as much as I love you, no more for me if you are going to continue this path.
THis is where I don't undertand my feelings right now and where I mean I lost focus, because when he quit drinking, I feel like the rug was pulled out from under me, and I am back where I started, and I don't understand why. This is what I wanted for us, I should be continuing what I was doing. The only thing I can think of is that maybe I really did totally disconnect from him, and when he decided to quit, I reconnected and everything came flooding in??? I don't know, maybe I just need to snap out of it and keep doing my own thing. Maybe what I am feeling is selfish, but part of me just feels like its not fair. I don't want to sit at home alone every night. Yes I can hang out with friends, go out with them, but I want to have a relationship with my husband, and although I KNOW he needs these meetings, the thought of him going to meetings 7 days a week every night for a year or possibly forever just doesn't seem fair to me. When are we supposed to be able to have a life together? I guess I just need to be patient, but it is hard sometimes, because I feel like my needs are just placed on the back burner, just like when he was too drunk to care about them. Sorry for being so frustrated, but at least if I can vent here, it gets it out, and I am better able to cope and be supportive of him.
I have been reading a lot here. I love the sticky's in this section, although I have not been thorugh them all yet. I think the more I learn, the more I will find healing. Its just hard. I hope the mood swings stop soon. He came home and apologized for getting mad at me over my appt and storming off. I just gave him a big hug and kiss and told him not to worry about it. He is gone to his meeting now. He is going to get me the number for one of the al annon ladies tonight. I am so grateful for this site and for you people for offering your support. It means a lot to me, especially right now.
I want you all to know I do support my husband, and I do understand that these feelings I am having are not fair to him. I do not voice these feeling to him, and I know I need al annon. This was the first time I have "vented" to anyone about this. I haven't talked about it at all, so I apologise if I came accross as ungrateful that he is recovering and has/is taking the proper steps. I am so grateful and I do support him 100%. I try not to show anger towards him, nor do I complain about his meetings, I encourage him to go, as well as try to attend the open meetings with him when it is possible.
I guess I am just having a hard time because I never thought his drinking really affected me, I never realised how much it affected me, until he actually did quit, and is going through this process, KWIM. I didn't realise how severe his alcoholism was, and how unhealthy he was. I mean, he looks like a differant person, like 10 years younger then he did 30 days a go. I am SO happy that he is getting healthy, but I just didn't think his getting healthy would be so hard. I think I thought he would quite drinking, and we would just go on to have a normal life. I know we will, and we are on the way, but it is very hard right now. Being a wife, I want to be able to help him, to comfort him, to make him feel better, but I can't, he needs those in AA for that, and that is where I am feeling lonely and left out. This is where I need the al anon. I know I have co-dependancy issues, I grew up in a co-dependant household. I have the book you are refuring to co-dependant no more(although its been a while since I read it) The thing is, I started my own spiritual jouney 10 months ago, and had grown leaps and bounds. I had self esteem, self worth, I never thought even possible, I was standing up for myself, making great choices, living life, and was doing SO great. That is what gave me the confidence to tell him, as much as I love you, no more for me if you are going to continue this path.
THis is where I don't undertand my feelings right now and where I mean I lost focus, because when he quit drinking, I feel like the rug was pulled out from under me, and I am back where I started, and I don't understand why. This is what I wanted for us, I should be continuing what I was doing. The only thing I can think of is that maybe I really did totally disconnect from him, and when he decided to quit, I reconnected and everything came flooding in??? I don't know, maybe I just need to snap out of it and keep doing my own thing. Maybe what I am feeling is selfish, but part of me just feels like its not fair. I don't want to sit at home alone every night. Yes I can hang out with friends, go out with them, but I want to have a relationship with my husband, and although I KNOW he needs these meetings, the thought of him going to meetings 7 days a week every night for a year or possibly forever just doesn't seem fair to me. When are we supposed to be able to have a life together? I guess I just need to be patient, but it is hard sometimes, because I feel like my needs are just placed on the back burner, just like when he was too drunk to care about them. Sorry for being so frustrated, but at least if I can vent here, it gets it out, and I am better able to cope and be supportive of him.
I have been reading a lot here. I love the sticky's in this section, although I have not been thorugh them all yet. I think the more I learn, the more I will find healing. Its just hard. I hope the mood swings stop soon. He came home and apologized for getting mad at me over my appt and storming off. I just gave him a big hug and kiss and told him not to worry about it. He is gone to his meeting now. He is going to get me the number for one of the al annon ladies tonight. I am so grateful for this site and for you people for offering your support. It means a lot to me, especially right now.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Many have found the early recovery time more difficult than the actual drinking time.
I have no experience with family or friend going to AA so I really can't help.
My XABF did stop drinking once for 9 months (no program) and he was so ill tempered there were times I did wish he would just grab a 6 pack!
I think it perfectly reasonable to not martyr yourself and to tell your husband how left out and lonely you are feeling.
best wishes!
Live
I have no experience with family or friend going to AA so I really can't help.
My XABF did stop drinking once for 9 months (no program) and he was so ill tempered there were times I did wish he would just grab a 6 pack!
I think it perfectly reasonable to not martyr yourself and to tell your husband how left out and lonely you are feeling.
best wishes!
Live
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: UK and Australia
Posts: 447
Hey Wife2RA welcome to SR. and your post came across exactly as it was meant and you didn't sound to me like you didn't support him atall. You sound like you fully support him and have been to hell and back along the way (Like so many of us!).
I totally get the "What about Me".......and there is so much great advise and experience and compassion in the above posts that I don't have anything to add just am glad you founs SR. It keeps me sane and I learn new stuff each and every day!
Once I started focusing on myself life did become easier......its amazing how when we change our own behaviour those around us change too.
My husband is not in recovery and I see no sign of him being anywhere near ready for recovery but thats his stuff and he can own it.....for myself I am focusing on creating a better life for me and my three beautiful children - with or without him. If he continues on his distructive path it will be without him as I have had enough of living in the chaos that his addiction brings to our household - we deserve so much more.
My youngest is three so its not so long ago I was where you were at with the pregnancy and it sure isn't easy. Keep posting and take one baby step at a time....take care Phiz
I totally get the "What about Me".......and there is so much great advise and experience and compassion in the above posts that I don't have anything to add just am glad you founs SR. It keeps me sane and I learn new stuff each and every day!
Once I started focusing on myself life did become easier......its amazing how when we change our own behaviour those around us change too.
My husband is not in recovery and I see no sign of him being anywhere near ready for recovery but thats his stuff and he can own it.....for myself I am focusing on creating a better life for me and my three beautiful children - with or without him. If he continues on his distructive path it will be without him as I have had enough of living in the chaos that his addiction brings to our household - we deserve so much more.
My youngest is three so its not so long ago I was where you were at with the pregnancy and it sure isn't easy. Keep posting and take one baby step at a time....take care Phiz
RIP Maria
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: AR
Posts: 7,654
Hi all you detaching loved ones. Coodo's on making that effort! Now let me explain something from the other side of the fence here. I'm the user. Not alcohol, but opiates. But I have drank my share of alcohol in my past, so I'm sure what the opiates do for me is what the alcohol does for your loved ones.
So let me say this: The DOC becomes our "lover"! The warm feeling we get in our insides after it takes effect is nothing like what we get from the people around us. Sorry to have to tell you this. So when that "lover" starts taking over our lives, relationships, family, being able to function in normal day to day activities we start using more and more to try to compensate for our failed mishaps. As a user, our minds start focusing only on when we get that next "fix". Whether it be to give us courage, stamina, etc. we start failing in our loved ones eyes as the person they fell in love with. Drugs and alcohol are a wicked/visious cycle to get started on. No matter how many times a person tells a user he/she needs to stop, it probably isn't going to make them stop. We as the user have to come to grips on our own to make that decision. We get mad at the people trying to tell us what to do simply because we feel like we are going to lose our "lover" if we give it up. Also be aware, you aren't talking to someone with their brain cells too clear. When a loved one starts detaching and stops performing for us as they use to, rocking the boat, then that's just a VERY good excuse to use more. Ah ha! Someone to blame. I can go use and blame you for putting me in this mood. DON'T BLAME YOURSELF FOR THIS!!!! It's the addiction that is controlling our thoughts and actions.
I have 20 days clean today off the pain meds, AGAIN! So you are hearing this from someone that is and has walked in your loved ones shoes. There was a reason why we started on this path of using, BUT GOD ONLY KNOWS WHY! The person you love, ISN'T IN THERE RIGHT NOW! It might be tomorrow or next year or maybe never when they stop using. So the main thing here is: Take care of yourself, your children or whomever. But trying to fix a user that doesn't feel like he/she needs fixing isn't going to get you very far! Take it from me, I'm one of them. I do love myself a whole lot more off these opiates, but it's my choice to stay clean. I wasn't forced into it.
When we start going to meetings, meeting people that walk the walk, talk the talk the same as we users do we tend to lean more towards their companionship than our loved ones. The bond gets stronger with recovering addicts because the addict is scared of the comitment with their loved ones at home. Sort of like: You can have an excellent relationship with a co-worker but treat your spouse like s**t.
If you left, as you've suggested, you'd still have the responsibility of the kids by your lonesome. Don't wanna sound mean or pushy here, but just reading into how it would be for you if you did leave.
May you let all of this info soak in and have a new insight as to what the addict is doing. Learn a new phrase. Just say okay, okay, okay to him, whenever you are frustrated and having it out with him. He'll soon get the message. Arguing right now isn't going to get either one of you or your children into a better place.
So let me say this: The DOC becomes our "lover"! The warm feeling we get in our insides after it takes effect is nothing like what we get from the people around us. Sorry to have to tell you this. So when that "lover" starts taking over our lives, relationships, family, being able to function in normal day to day activities we start using more and more to try to compensate for our failed mishaps. As a user, our minds start focusing only on when we get that next "fix". Whether it be to give us courage, stamina, etc. we start failing in our loved ones eyes as the person they fell in love with. Drugs and alcohol are a wicked/visious cycle to get started on. No matter how many times a person tells a user he/she needs to stop, it probably isn't going to make them stop. We as the user have to come to grips on our own to make that decision. We get mad at the people trying to tell us what to do simply because we feel like we are going to lose our "lover" if we give it up. Also be aware, you aren't talking to someone with their brain cells too clear. When a loved one starts detaching and stops performing for us as they use to, rocking the boat, then that's just a VERY good excuse to use more. Ah ha! Someone to blame. I can go use and blame you for putting me in this mood. DON'T BLAME YOURSELF FOR THIS!!!! It's the addiction that is controlling our thoughts and actions.
I have 20 days clean today off the pain meds, AGAIN! So you are hearing this from someone that is and has walked in your loved ones shoes. There was a reason why we started on this path of using, BUT GOD ONLY KNOWS WHY! The person you love, ISN'T IN THERE RIGHT NOW! It might be tomorrow or next year or maybe never when they stop using. So the main thing here is: Take care of yourself, your children or whomever. But trying to fix a user that doesn't feel like he/she needs fixing isn't going to get you very far! Take it from me, I'm one of them. I do love myself a whole lot more off these opiates, but it's my choice to stay clean. I wasn't forced into it.
When we start going to meetings, meeting people that walk the walk, talk the talk the same as we users do we tend to lean more towards their companionship than our loved ones. The bond gets stronger with recovering addicts because the addict is scared of the comitment with their loved ones at home. Sort of like: You can have an excellent relationship with a co-worker but treat your spouse like s**t.
If you left, as you've suggested, you'd still have the responsibility of the kids by your lonesome. Don't wanna sound mean or pushy here, but just reading into how it would be for you if you did leave.
May you let all of this info soak in and have a new insight as to what the addict is doing. Learn a new phrase. Just say okay, okay, okay to him, whenever you are frustrated and having it out with him. He'll soon get the message. Arguing right now isn't going to get either one of you or your children into a better place.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
When RABF first asked for help from D and A, and his Dr, I was delighted and cautious, but above all thankful. When he was physically and mentally exhausted in recovery, or busy doing his or a friend's garden, on the horses or counselling, whatever; I also had those times, when I felt alone, pushed aside for other things, and I wondered why I felt that way.
I had been alone, for days sometimes, while he was on a bender, not knowing where he was or who with, so why should a couple of hours here or there worry me?
I have learned to get back to where I was in the no contact period we were in before, and i feel I have done that.
My bugbear is him sometimes querying my decisions on my finances, eg paying an electrician (he charges an arm and a leg) to install a new ********** and a wall fan.
I need and want both for my comfort, and can afford to do it.
Coming from someone who went thru thousands on booze and bets, wasted savings etc, and forgot essentials when drinking, I do not need financial advice from him.
Now I have to tell myself that it is his problem if me spending my money worries him, and let it go as do not need to import stress.
Maybe you could tell him how you would like some time together, and you could put a night aside just for you....go to dinner, whatever.
It is only a month, and it can take much longer for an alcoholically abused body to do it's recovery than a month, so please do not be expecting too much or too soon.
Wishing you both success in your recovery and marriage.
God bless
I had been alone, for days sometimes, while he was on a bender, not knowing where he was or who with, so why should a couple of hours here or there worry me?
I have learned to get back to where I was in the no contact period we were in before, and i feel I have done that.
My bugbear is him sometimes querying my decisions on my finances, eg paying an electrician (he charges an arm and a leg) to install a new ********** and a wall fan.
I need and want both for my comfort, and can afford to do it.
Coming from someone who went thru thousands on booze and bets, wasted savings etc, and forgot essentials when drinking, I do not need financial advice from him.
Now I have to tell myself that it is his problem if me spending my money worries him, and let it go as do not need to import stress.
Maybe you could tell him how you would like some time together, and you could put a night aside just for you....go to dinner, whatever.
It is only a month, and it can take much longer for an alcoholically abused body to do it's recovery than a month, so please do not be expecting too much or too soon.
Wishing you both success in your recovery and marriage.
God bless
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 4
Thank you again everyone for your input. It is just so comforting to be able to share my story and how I am feeling with people who understand. That alone has helped wonders. I think trying to keep everything to myself was part of what was causing my feelings of overwhelm. I was bottling everything with no one to talk to about it. I so appreciate all the responses. Thank you for taking the time to care and listen.
TiredofDrugs- THANK YOU so much for your post. IT is extreemly helpful to hear from someone who is in the same place as my husband. I am sure he does not share his feeling like that out of fear of me getting upset. I really needed to hear what it is like for him, from the perspective you gave me. YOur post was very comfortign to me as I feel like it helped my understand more of what he is going through, and why he is so up and down. Next time he starts to argue with me, I am going to try your "okay, okay, okay" thing, and maybe also a tip I read on the stickys, and just say "I think this is something you should talk to your sponser about"
I feel much better today, and almost like a weight has been lifted that I have a place where I can share my struggles, and not feel bad or gulty about it. I respect my husbands aninimity, and so I discuss this with no one IRL. I feel like I can be a lot more patient, and I feel better understanding a little more about what he is going through. It really is hard, this beggining recovery part, but I just have to take it one day at a time, just like him.
I really can't stress enough how nice it is to be able to come here and talk about it. I think part of my problem was holding this all in for the last month. I am so grateful for you people and this site. Thank you so much!
TiredofDrugs- THANK YOU so much for your post. IT is extreemly helpful to hear from someone who is in the same place as my husband. I am sure he does not share his feeling like that out of fear of me getting upset. I really needed to hear what it is like for him, from the perspective you gave me. YOur post was very comfortign to me as I feel like it helped my understand more of what he is going through, and why he is so up and down. Next time he starts to argue with me, I am going to try your "okay, okay, okay" thing, and maybe also a tip I read on the stickys, and just say "I think this is something you should talk to your sponser about"
I feel much better today, and almost like a weight has been lifted that I have a place where I can share my struggles, and not feel bad or gulty about it. I respect my husbands aninimity, and so I discuss this with no one IRL. I feel like I can be a lot more patient, and I feel better understanding a little more about what he is going through. It really is hard, this beggining recovery part, but I just have to take it one day at a time, just like him.
I really can't stress enough how nice it is to be able to come here and talk about it. I think part of my problem was holding this all in for the last month. I am so grateful for you people and this site. Thank you so much!
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