mermaidgirl

Seems there has been a theme lately (or at least I am picking up on something) and I have to (have to!) share where I am.

Angry, controlling RAH left 3 weeks ago. He lives in the neighborhood with his niece and husband. I never ever could have made this happen-to take care of myself-without you people here, my counseling and that still small voice in my head, and of course my HP. I have been sitting here reading agonizing posts and mine are among them-of the whys and "I can't stand the change", etc. Yup. I have had that go thru my head too, but let me tell you what it coulcbe like if you decide to take a leap.

The drama is gone. The friction is gone. There is peace in my home for the first time in 8 years. His problems and consequences of his irresponsibilities-are gone. Yes, I am still married to him, but my HP has not made it known to me what way I need to go. I am exactly where I need to be. Since he is legally an "occupant" on the mortgage (that's about all), he is entitled to come here, but he knows the bondaries now; whereas he stepped over and violated them before. He asks before he comes over. He takes nothing for granted any more. He wants to have that married life that he now sees I was trying to make happen. I have no feeling-I am numb, but happy.

He comes over-makes dinner for me and is thankful for the opportunity. I know, some of you are probably wondering WTF? But-if I don't want feel it's right-I don't do it and he respect it. I have no idea where this will end and I keep reading all I can about the topic knowing that ultimately- it is in my HP's capable hands and all I need to do is keep going forward.

Just wanted to give you a narrative-and say the good stuff is out there. I am so happy I grabbed it 3 weeks ago (only 3 weeks!).

RollTide

I'm having a similar experience although we recently divorced. I'm getting much more respect than I did when we were married and he's offered to help with things around the house that he never did when he lived here. And he is making what seems like a true attempt at sobriety. Like you said - the drama is gone and the friction is gone. He's being the man that I wanted him to be while we were married. It would nearly be comical if it weren't so sad that it took getting a divorce and going through hell to get here. Will it last? I don't know. I'm trying to just take it one day at a time and to enjoy the good days and have no expectations as I know how quickly things can go to hell.

GiveLove

It's astonishing sometimes what people will do to get their spouse back. The pretzels they will twist themselves into, the flaming hoops they'll jump through.

What they do AFTER they get their spouse back is often a completely different story. They've "won" at that point, and are free to be whatever kind of person they truly are.

If they truly are respectful and generous and partner-worthy deep down, we're in luck.

That often isn't the case, though, with alcoholics.

Good luck, mermaid -- I'm so glad you are finding peace. It's a lot easier to see what kind of future you might like without all that stress bouncing around in your brain, isn't it?

nowinsituation

It feels so good doesn't it. I've been the "supportive" GF for months, as my BF lost his job, needed a place to live, let him move in with me.... No alcohol issues but tons of other issues. I told myself going in that I could have him that close, and still be detached. That it was just temporary and he'd help me out with household stuff.... so it would be an equal arrangement.

But it wasn't, and that same old pain, doubt, and confusion played out as I knew he needed to go but was not strong enough or sure enough to do it. I kicked him out a couple of days ago. WOW, no more drama, no more walking on eggshells. It's like I am comfortable in my own skin, again. He is living in his truck -- tells alot about him that he cannot stay with any family or friends.....

But the peace and serenity I feel is priceless.

mermaidgirl

Thank you for your posts. I would add just because the peace is in the home again and in my heart-my heart is broken. So many days of the verbal and emotional attacks whether they were covert or overt-took its toll on me and I cannot forget that and shouldn't. Remembering is vital to my recovery; holding on to it to become a victim-is not part of the picture.

All the things around the house that should have been done by him especially in the last 2 years-are now getting accomplished by him out of desparation. The change is, as you are saying "comical". Every time he does something that astonishes me I just want to stand there and say, [B]really??[B]

One day at a time is most definitely my motto here...we have a counseling appt today together and even the stress of going there is gone. I think our feelings are amazing tools we have in our arsenla-if only I would listen to them more often!

He has so much to work on-that I truly believe if he happens to be that one miracle/poster child I will have moved on by then. If only now it is important enough for him to truly work his program (he is a recovering A), that isn't good enough for me anymore. And as for me-I have a LOT of healing to do. The peace inside of me is my gentle reminder that I do NOT have to have chaos in my life and equate that with love-that's just twisted thinking anymore.

Love to you all...and thank you for embracing me here.

mermaidgirl.