Sick of this mess
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 112
Sick of this mess
Well its been almost three weeks since his death. This is the most horrific roller coaster ride I've been on. I'm really sick of dealing with it. I'm sick of the questions people ask. I'm plain ole disgusted. My daughter has her moments but is riding the same ride. One day we are angry the next we in tears . Therapy is helping, but I just want NORMAL. I'm not even sure if I know what normal is after all these years. I'm trying to be gentle with myself, but that is an unknown thing as far as I know. I'm super woman remember? NOT. You know what else. I want to be taken care of, I want someone to cherish me. I've been doing all the care taking since I was 16, dam it I want a break! I'm also sick of being the responsible one. I have no choice, but its a heck of a dream. Seems this is more a rant than an update,
I've been going thru the motions, barely somedays. I would like to just go to bed and stay there, but that's not in the future. Now I have to rebuild everything over. I know in time everything will work out, but for right now I'm so so sick of it. Thanks for listening . Might sound horrible but I just want to get on with my life, be done with this whole mess.
I've been going thru the motions, barely somedays. I would like to just go to bed and stay there, but that's not in the future. Now I have to rebuild everything over. I know in time everything will work out, but for right now I'm so so sick of it. Thanks for listening . Might sound horrible but I just want to get on with my life, be done with this whole mess.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Agreed. Do something for yourself every day. A bath. A walk. Reading your favourite book. Yoga. Even for just 10 minutes.
You're doing amazingly well, IMO, but it would be totally ok if you decided to beat the crap out of a pillow one day, in a feat of rage and tears. Totally ok as well.
You're doing amazingly well, IMO, but it would be totally ok if you decided to beat the crap out of a pillow one day, in a feat of rage and tears. Totally ok as well.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hello Wize. Keep breathing. 4 times, breath in, 4 times, hold , 4 times breath out, 4 times.....hold.
"The grief club" by melody beattie is a great book for dealing with death and all kinds of change... it has several simple exercises. I hope you can get a copy....
I'm sorry you are going through this, but you are doing very well. I am thinking of you
"The grief club" by melody beattie is a great book for dealing with death and all kinds of change... it has several simple exercises. I hope you can get a copy....
I'm sorry you are going through this, but you are doing very well. I am thinking of you
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Manchester UK
Posts: 1,017
WizeDeb, I'm almost 12 months on from my brothers death, not in the same circumstances, but horrible just the same.
I almost said he was 'only' my brother not a partner, but that isn't really what I mean. We still love them, and get angry at them, and hate them even at times but in different ways and for different reasons.
You say you just want normal, I would like to know what normal is for me, but I understand what you mean. I'd like normal too, whatever it is.
Sometimes, not as often now, I do stay in bed, I don't want to get up and face the world, people asking how I am, how his son is, how mum and dad are. I still think they just ask to be polite, maybe they don't maybe they mean it, I dunno.
Do what you need to do, it's still early days, get the emotions out one way or another, even if it's crying in bed all day or pounding the pillow.
Grief is a strange thing (or so I'm finding) theres feelings of guilt (even where it's unfounded) sadness, anger, loss, actual pain and probably loads I haven't mentioned, we all process it in our own time and in our own way. Do what's right for you, and feel what you need to feel. I'm thinking of you all.
I almost said he was 'only' my brother not a partner, but that isn't really what I mean. We still love them, and get angry at them, and hate them even at times but in different ways and for different reasons.
You say you just want normal, I would like to know what normal is for me, but I understand what you mean. I'd like normal too, whatever it is.
Sometimes, not as often now, I do stay in bed, I don't want to get up and face the world, people asking how I am, how his son is, how mum and dad are. I still think they just ask to be polite, maybe they don't maybe they mean it, I dunno.
Do what you need to do, it's still early days, get the emotions out one way or another, even if it's crying in bed all day or pounding the pillow.
Grief is a strange thing (or so I'm finding) theres feelings of guilt (even where it's unfounded) sadness, anger, loss, actual pain and probably loads I haven't mentioned, we all process it in our own time and in our own way. Do what's right for you, and feel what you need to feel. I'm thinking of you all.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Missouri
Posts: 673
WizeDeb Dear One... do you have antidepressant meds from the doctor? Perhaps you need to see the doc again? You might need some more just to get you through this time... however long it takes.
Sending tons of love, prayers for strength, and hope that something normal happens soon for you!
Tigg
Sending tons of love, prayers for strength, and hope that something normal happens soon for you!
Tigg
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Wizedeb)))
awww, sweetie....grief is hard to get through. I was in nursing school when my mom died (unexpectedly) and I had signed up for "death and dying" as my elective - 9 days after her death. I learned about the stages of death, during that course, and I had to write "musings" to my instructor, who I will forever be indebted to. l It was more like a journal.
I learned that I went through the stages not in a 1-2-3-4-5 stage, but as a roller coaster, up and down and backwards and forwards. Not only that, but my dad and I were at different stages at different times - when he wanted to talk about her death (he was there) - I wanted to run in the opposite direction. The "musings" helped me a lot.
There were times when I DID stay in my bed and hide under the covers, but I never did it for more than a day. I had a job, and school. I (thank God) had my instructor who said "now, Amy, you can't do this" gently, to move me forward.
I also was the one who did all the thank-you notes, all the planning of the funeral, etc. I wanted to be taken care of. Unfortunately, it didn't happen for me. I was in a codie relationship with an alcoholic.
I send you a HUGE amount of hugs and prayers, hoping they will help. I truly think if you write out your feelings, it will help - it's only my experience, but it did help me. I wish I could wrap my arms around you and give you a big hug, and say "Deb, just stay in bed for the day, and let me take care of everything" but that would be the codie in me
I'm truly sorry for all that you are going through, but I know that it does get easier in time....it just takes time.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
awww, sweetie....grief is hard to get through. I was in nursing school when my mom died (unexpectedly) and I had signed up for "death and dying" as my elective - 9 days after her death. I learned about the stages of death, during that course, and I had to write "musings" to my instructor, who I will forever be indebted to. l It was more like a journal.
I learned that I went through the stages not in a 1-2-3-4-5 stage, but as a roller coaster, up and down and backwards and forwards. Not only that, but my dad and I were at different stages at different times - when he wanted to talk about her death (he was there) - I wanted to run in the opposite direction. The "musings" helped me a lot.
There were times when I DID stay in my bed and hide under the covers, but I never did it for more than a day. I had a job, and school. I (thank God) had my instructor who said "now, Amy, you can't do this" gently, to move me forward.
I also was the one who did all the thank-you notes, all the planning of the funeral, etc. I wanted to be taken care of. Unfortunately, it didn't happen for me. I was in a codie relationship with an alcoholic.
I send you a HUGE amount of hugs and prayers, hoping they will help. I truly think if you write out your feelings, it will help - it's only my experience, but it did help me. I wish I could wrap my arms around you and give you a big hug, and say "Deb, just stay in bed for the day, and let me take care of everything" but that would be the codie in me
I'm truly sorry for all that you are going through, but I know that it does get easier in time....it just takes time.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
There are Bach flowers, homeopathic remedy approved by the World Health Organization, that are called "Rescue". It brings a sense of calm during high stress, shock, anxiety. I keep talking about them because I've got great results. Worth a try:
Amazon.com: Rescue Remedy 10ml: Health & Personal Care
I just saw they got alcohol so just so you know as I'm not sure if it would be a trigger or bad thing for you. You can see the ingredients and recommendations at the bottom of the page.
Amazon.com: Rescue Remedy 10ml: Health & Personal Care
I just saw they got alcohol so just so you know as I'm not sure if it would be a trigger or bad thing for you. You can see the ingredients and recommendations at the bottom of the page.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
The stages of grief don't come in any rigid order, and can swap and change many times in a person. I guess I dealt with each stage as it came, some easier than others and a few times I felt I was in 2 stages at the same time. I can't say how long I wandered in that maze, as the end didn't come with a blast of trumpets.....it sort of just snuck in and I didn't really notice for a while.
You and your daughter are in my prayers.
God bless
You and your daughter are in my prayers.
God bless
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 112
Thank you all for your kind words. I did go see the doc and got some meds. I know its going to be up and down days, but yesterday was really a down day. Today I feel ok.
My daughter is ok too. I know together we will get thru this.
My daughter is ok too. I know together we will get thru this.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I've learned you create your own normal. When you are ready, it will happen. Be kind to yourself, give yourself some treat or indulgence, be patient with you. And know there are people thinking of you.... 
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