Please help...need advice from those who know
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 22
Please help...need advice from those who know
I am in desperate and immediate need of advice, or comfort, or solace or understanding. I discovered this site last night and was instantly filled with gratitude. I have read many of your posts and I feel such empathy for all of your stories.
I am at a crossroads right now, and am having trouble making a decision or acting on it.
My partner and I have been together for three years. I have had countless conversations with her about her drinking. She is not drunk all day long, she is not missing work, or getting DUI's, or anything severe like that. However, she often drinks on a nightly basis (2-??? cocktails/night), and once or twice, or sometimes more, a week gets drunk to the point of slurred speech, inappropriate behavior, stumbling, inability to track with her eyes, and on and on. It has been worse in the past. Three times I have woken in the middle of the night to find her urinating in some part of the bedroom: side of the bed, on top of the chair, etc., but not in the bathroom. I have heard the vomiting. I have witnessed the total change in personality. She has gone through periods where the drinking is less intense, but still nearly daily. I made a decision to not share a bed with her almost two years ago, because I needed a safe place to sleep. This did not solve my anxiety or insomnia, but it gave me a relative sanctuary to go to.
It has gotten to a point that I can no longer tolerate. I am miserable. I am worried about my daughter, who is six. (She has never seen my partner drunk, as she only drinks after dark, but recently I came home to discover that my partner was drunk while my daughter was asleep...she was the only adult in the house with my daughter. This was a major turning point for me.)
On December 30, we had a major confrontation about the drinking. Eight hours of crying, processing, promises, etcetera, with a fairly clear communication from me that I did not believe that our relationship could be salvaged. She told me I was the only good thing in her life, that she couldn't get through quitting drinking without having hope about our relationship. She also stated very cavalierly that she would "just stop drinking", that it was "an action step", not something that needed to be discussed. When we went to bed that night (to our separate bedrooms) I was under the impression that we had ended our relationship.
The next day, she acted as though everything was normal, the conversation had not really happened. Except that she did not drink that day, and was extremely affectionate. She continued to not drink. Or so I thought. She has not said one word about the drinking, or not drinking, since Dec. 30.
I have spent the last three and a half weeks feeling tortured and confused and guilty. I thought, maybe she deserves this second chance? Maybe I am being irrational or over-reacting. Maybe if she really did stop drinking, all of the other many problems in our relationship would dissipate and I could see our love clearly again. I felt like I had almost killed her with that first confrontation, and I could not imagine how to do it again.
All along, since that conversation, I have been suspicious of her, that she might be drinking in secret. I have beat myself up about even having that suspicion, and not trusting her.
On Saturday (two days ago), I searched her room. I found an almost empty bottle of Bushmills (her nemesis and the one we fought about the most) in a brown bottle next to her computer. I found her whiskey glass on her nightstand next to her bed. It was still wet at the bottom of the glass, which indicated to me recent drinking.
I did not confront her that day.
On Sunday (yesterday), she went out to buy a few groceries. After helping
unpack the couple of bags, I stole the receipt. Sure enough, there is a purchase for another bottle of Bushmills.
I did not confront her about that either.
I did not sleep all night, listening for the sounds of a bottle being unscrewed, for liquid hitting glass. Listening throughout the night to the sounds of her movement to try to determine if she was drunk. I dug through the recycling this morning, to try to find the empty bottle.
I don't know why I feel the need to stack up the evidence.
I know that I have to leave. I cannot take being as miserable as I am. I know that I am as sick in my co-dependency as she is in her alcoholism. And I know that I am the only one who can break the cycle and stand up for my right, and my daughter's right, to be happy.
But...
How do I do this?
I love her and care about her and am scared for her. I feel as though I am abandoning her.
My name is on our lease, as hers is, and I don't know what my responsibility is to that.
She cannot afford our rent on her own, and I don't know what my responsibility is to that.
Do I let her know that I am leaving?
Do I let her know that I am aware she has been drinking in secret?
Do I just disappear?
I do not fear violence from such a confrontation, but I do fear the emotional mayhem, manipulation, pain, etcetera.
The sad part is that, like so many alcoholics, she can be such a beautiful person: generous, caring, fun, brilliant.
But I can't live with the denial and lies anymore.
And I feel like a monster.
I know I need to seek out Al-Anon, and I intend to do so.
But this is my immediate dilemma, and I truly can't take it another second. It is affecting everything: my ability to eat, sleep, work, focus, be patient and loving with my little girl.
Please help. Any advice you have to give would be so appreciated!
I apologize for the very long post!
Thank you for reading, and for being here.
I am at a crossroads right now, and am having trouble making a decision or acting on it.
My partner and I have been together for three years. I have had countless conversations with her about her drinking. She is not drunk all day long, she is not missing work, or getting DUI's, or anything severe like that. However, she often drinks on a nightly basis (2-??? cocktails/night), and once or twice, or sometimes more, a week gets drunk to the point of slurred speech, inappropriate behavior, stumbling, inability to track with her eyes, and on and on. It has been worse in the past. Three times I have woken in the middle of the night to find her urinating in some part of the bedroom: side of the bed, on top of the chair, etc., but not in the bathroom. I have heard the vomiting. I have witnessed the total change in personality. She has gone through periods where the drinking is less intense, but still nearly daily. I made a decision to not share a bed with her almost two years ago, because I needed a safe place to sleep. This did not solve my anxiety or insomnia, but it gave me a relative sanctuary to go to.
It has gotten to a point that I can no longer tolerate. I am miserable. I am worried about my daughter, who is six. (She has never seen my partner drunk, as she only drinks after dark, but recently I came home to discover that my partner was drunk while my daughter was asleep...she was the only adult in the house with my daughter. This was a major turning point for me.)
On December 30, we had a major confrontation about the drinking. Eight hours of crying, processing, promises, etcetera, with a fairly clear communication from me that I did not believe that our relationship could be salvaged. She told me I was the only good thing in her life, that she couldn't get through quitting drinking without having hope about our relationship. She also stated very cavalierly that she would "just stop drinking", that it was "an action step", not something that needed to be discussed. When we went to bed that night (to our separate bedrooms) I was under the impression that we had ended our relationship.
The next day, she acted as though everything was normal, the conversation had not really happened. Except that she did not drink that day, and was extremely affectionate. She continued to not drink. Or so I thought. She has not said one word about the drinking, or not drinking, since Dec. 30.
I have spent the last three and a half weeks feeling tortured and confused and guilty. I thought, maybe she deserves this second chance? Maybe I am being irrational or over-reacting. Maybe if she really did stop drinking, all of the other many problems in our relationship would dissipate and I could see our love clearly again. I felt like I had almost killed her with that first confrontation, and I could not imagine how to do it again.
All along, since that conversation, I have been suspicious of her, that she might be drinking in secret. I have beat myself up about even having that suspicion, and not trusting her.
On Saturday (two days ago), I searched her room. I found an almost empty bottle of Bushmills (her nemesis and the one we fought about the most) in a brown bottle next to her computer. I found her whiskey glass on her nightstand next to her bed. It was still wet at the bottom of the glass, which indicated to me recent drinking.
I did not confront her that day.
On Sunday (yesterday), she went out to buy a few groceries. After helping
unpack the couple of bags, I stole the receipt. Sure enough, there is a purchase for another bottle of Bushmills.
I did not confront her about that either.
I did not sleep all night, listening for the sounds of a bottle being unscrewed, for liquid hitting glass. Listening throughout the night to the sounds of her movement to try to determine if she was drunk. I dug through the recycling this morning, to try to find the empty bottle.
I don't know why I feel the need to stack up the evidence.
I know that I have to leave. I cannot take being as miserable as I am. I know that I am as sick in my co-dependency as she is in her alcoholism. And I know that I am the only one who can break the cycle and stand up for my right, and my daughter's right, to be happy.
But...
How do I do this?
I love her and care about her and am scared for her. I feel as though I am abandoning her.
My name is on our lease, as hers is, and I don't know what my responsibility is to that.
She cannot afford our rent on her own, and I don't know what my responsibility is to that.
Do I let her know that I am leaving?
Do I let her know that I am aware she has been drinking in secret?
Do I just disappear?
I do not fear violence from such a confrontation, but I do fear the emotional mayhem, manipulation, pain, etcetera.
The sad part is that, like so many alcoholics, she can be such a beautiful person: generous, caring, fun, brilliant.
But I can't live with the denial and lies anymore.
And I feel like a monster.
I know I need to seek out Al-Anon, and I intend to do so.
But this is my immediate dilemma, and I truly can't take it another second. It is affecting everything: my ability to eat, sleep, work, focus, be patient and loving with my little girl.
Please help. Any advice you have to give would be so appreciated!
I apologize for the very long post!
Thank you for reading, and for being here.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Missouri
Posts: 673
Hi Phoenix, and a HUGE, WARM welcome to SR!
You'll find Encouragement and Support here.
Your situation certainly is a difficult one, and my heart goes out to you, dear. The good news is, many, if not most of us have been just where you are.
Give it a bit, and there will be people here to help!
Hugs! Tigger
You'll find Encouragement and Support here.
Your situation certainly is a difficult one, and my heart goes out to you, dear. The good news is, many, if not most of us have been just where you are.
Give it a bit, and there will be people here to help!
Hugs! Tigger
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Oh boy phoenix...you're in quite a situation!
First off Welcome to SR!!
This place is awesome and full of wonderful and supportive people. I'm glad you found us.
Second, just in case you don't know this already, let me reiterate the 3 C's of addition
You didn't cause it
You can't cure it.
You can't control it.
I totally understand wanting and NEEDING to amass evidence that your partner is drinking. I think all of us here have done the same, perhaps to try to convince ourselves and others that we're not crazy and that we're not making up this addiction. Trust me though, we believe you, and now that you're here, you can start focusing on YOU and your daughter.
Third, after reading your post, it's clear that you are concerned for your daughter, and right you should be. Can you clarify something...do you have custody? This child is from another relationship or is she also your parter's child? Just trying to sort out the details here...
My name is on our lease, as hers is, and I don't know what my responsibility is to that.
I don't know where you live but where I am (Quebec) it is possible to have the lease reassigned to another party, if the other party consents. Perhaps look at how many months are left on your lease and see what can be done until then.
She cannot afford our rent on her own, and I don't know what my responsibility is to that.
I'm going to be mean here and say that this is not your responsiblity. You *can* however choose to "be nice" and continue splitting expenses and rent until a certain date, after which she's on her own.
Do I let her know that I am leaving?
Do I let her know that I am aware she has been drinking in secret?
Do I just disappear?
That's entirely up to you, but since your daugher apparently lives with you and is used to your partner, I'd venture to say that this might be a big change for her. Perhaps consider setting a date where you and your child will move out (or where your partner will move out) and start basing your actions on that (i.e. removing access to joint accounts, changing the name on the utilities bill, putting money aside for moving, etc).
It is affecting everything: my ability to eat, sleep, work, focus, be patient and loving with my little girl.
It seems you are realizing that there is no longer any sanity in your relationship and that you need to change things. Good for you! Sometimes it takes a long while before people are able to come to this point.
Keep posting phoenix.
First off Welcome to SR!!
This place is awesome and full of wonderful and supportive people. I'm glad you found us. Second, just in case you don't know this already, let me reiterate the 3 C's of addition
You didn't cause it
You can't cure it.
You can't control it.
I totally understand wanting and NEEDING to amass evidence that your partner is drinking. I think all of us here have done the same, perhaps to try to convince ourselves and others that we're not crazy and that we're not making up this addiction. Trust me though, we believe you, and now that you're here, you can start focusing on YOU and your daughter.
Third, after reading your post, it's clear that you are concerned for your daughter, and right you should be. Can you clarify something...do you have custody? This child is from another relationship or is she also your parter's child? Just trying to sort out the details here...
My name is on our lease, as hers is, and I don't know what my responsibility is to that.
I don't know where you live but where I am (Quebec) it is possible to have the lease reassigned to another party, if the other party consents. Perhaps look at how many months are left on your lease and see what can be done until then.
She cannot afford our rent on her own, and I don't know what my responsibility is to that.
I'm going to be mean here and say that this is not your responsiblity. You *can* however choose to "be nice" and continue splitting expenses and rent until a certain date, after which she's on her own.
Do I let her know that I am leaving?
Do I let her know that I am aware she has been drinking in secret?
Do I just disappear?
That's entirely up to you, but since your daugher apparently lives with you and is used to your partner, I'd venture to say that this might be a big change for her. Perhaps consider setting a date where you and your child will move out (or where your partner will move out) and start basing your actions on that (i.e. removing access to joint accounts, changing the name on the utilities bill, putting money aside for moving, etc).
It is affecting everything: my ability to eat, sleep, work, focus, be patient and loving with my little girl.
It seems you are realizing that there is no longer any sanity in your relationship and that you need to change things. Good for you! Sometimes it takes a long while before people are able to come to this point.
Keep posting phoenix.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Originally Posted by phoenix10 
The next day, she acted as though everything was normal, the conversation had not really happened. Except that she did not drink that day, and was extremely affectionate.
I am glad for your sake, but ESPECIALLY for your daughter's, that you wish to extricate yourself from this ugly and destructive lifestyle. The last time you two had a conversation, she was seemingly on board. If she's like most of those who have gone before her, she will be that way again, if you bring it up. You may consider striking at that time. If she agrees to go to rehab, you could stay in the apartment and she would have to leave. This is (what I see) as the cleanest and easier route to go. Once there, of course, you would have to let her know that she is not welcome to return.
Perhaps you can speak with the apartment landlord and find out how this lease business works, with both names on it. If she doesn't check herself into a place willingly, I suspect it will be difficult getting her to move. She will play the pity card, and the "I can't do it without you" card. Then the trouble will come in when she sees you are resolved and things may get ugly. If she digs in her heels. I don't know her of course, and some are very meek (my ex)
That's all I have for now, but stay strong. One day this will be behind you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: South Africa
Posts: 330
Hi Phoenix and welcome.
You have a responsibilty towards yourself and your daughter to not go down the tubes with your partner. It just is not worth it. Nothing changes if nothing changes. Do not be manipulated into feeling responsible for her problems - that way you will stay stuck!
Most alcoholics are masters at manipulating. Keep to your truths and don't be scared of setting boundaries that will benefit you and your daughter.
You will get through this and we will be here to cheer you on !
You have a responsibilty towards yourself and your daughter to not go down the tubes with your partner. It just is not worth it. Nothing changes if nothing changes. Do not be manipulated into feeling responsible for her problems - that way you will stay stuck!
Most alcoholics are masters at manipulating. Keep to your truths and don't be scared of setting boundaries that will benefit you and your daughter.
You will get through this and we will be here to cheer you on !
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
Phoenix wrote:
Hi, Phoenix and welcome to Soberrecovery.
I hope, by the time *I* get here (I work nights) that you've already managed to contact Al-Anon, and have a meeting to go to.
You're here, so you're no alone any more, hon.
But I'm thinking you also need support in 3-d as well.
Make that the top of your agenda, hon.
Having others around who know, KNOW
what you're feeling,
helps when the thinking
goes TURBO
like yours is going right now.
Welcome again!
I know I need to seek out Al-Anon, and I intend to do so.
I hope, by the time *I* get here (I work nights) that you've already managed to contact Al-Anon, and have a meeting to go to.
You're here, so you're no alone any more, hon.
But I'm thinking you also need support in 3-d as well.
Make that the top of your agenda, hon.
Having others around who know, KNOW
what you're feeling,
helps when the thinking
goes TURBO
like yours is going right now.
Welcome again!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 22
Thanks everyone. You have no idea how much your worlds help and heal and comfort.
To answer someone's question:
Daughter is mine from a previous marriage.
I am currently in a lesbian relationship.
Right this very second I am debating whether or not to have this conversation with my partner.
I hate indecision. But I also hate living with lies.
Thank you all
To answer someone's question:
Daughter is mine from a previous marriage.
I am currently in a lesbian relationship.
Right this very second I am debating whether or not to have this conversation with my partner.
I hate indecision. But I also hate living with lies.
Thank you all
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
You had an 8 hour conversation with her. It drove her further underground. So you now know how conversations about their drinking works. They don't. Your boundaries are for you. If you don't want to be with an active alcoholic, you don't have to.
You know you need to leave (and hooray, you can take your child with you and not expose him/her to alcoholism!). Whether you ask her to leave or you do so is up to you. She could get a roomate if she had to. You can break the lease and both move, if you need to. You can set everything up and leave a note if you don't want to deal with the drama, or set it all up and tell her at the last minute.
It will hurt you and her to change, but change often hurts. Just know it is clean pain. You are growing.
You are a strong woman!
Hugs
w
You know you need to leave (and hooray, you can take your child with you and not expose him/her to alcoholism!). Whether you ask her to leave or you do so is up to you. She could get a roomate if she had to. You can break the lease and both move, if you need to. You can set everything up and leave a note if you don't want to deal with the drama, or set it all up and tell her at the last minute.
It will hurt you and her to change, but change often hurts. Just know it is clean pain. You are growing.
You are a strong woman!
Hugs
w
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 22
Hi Noday...
Things with me this morning.... Still struggling. I did not talk to my partner last night. Every time I tried to open my mouth, my heart would pound and my stomach would churn and my throat would shut.
She is, of course, moving right along as though everything is normal and that she hasn't betrayed her promise made to me four weeks ago that she wouldn't drink. I am sure, in her mind, she feels very much in control of her drinking she has managed to have two bottles of whiskey in her room and only have ?? 1 or 2?? shots in the evening? I have not seen her drunk since that night of Dec. 30, and maybe for her this is proof that she "doesn't have a problem" and that she can "control her drinking".
I am going insane. I am spinning back and forth between my utter despair that she can hide this from me and basically keep up this pretense that she is "not drinking", and the confusion that her normalcy invokes in me. I find myself resorting to rationalizing, "maybe it isn't as bad as I thought...she is not raging, she is controlling it right now". But then I swing back to the question of, "but for how long. and what kind of relationship can I hope to have with someone who has no problem lying to me and betraying her own word?"
I know that I have to leave, even if she doesn't have a problem, I do. My constant anxiety and pain and resentment and guilt are not healthy, and I can't see a way to getting better while living with her. I have the support (both financially and emotionally) of my ex-husband and my mother. It is the actual taking of the steps to do so that is paralyzing me. I am frozen with fear and sorrow.
And I need to tell her, somehow.
So that is how I am this morning! Trying to find strength and courage. Aren't we all?
Thanks again for checking in!
Things with me this morning.... Still struggling. I did not talk to my partner last night. Every time I tried to open my mouth, my heart would pound and my stomach would churn and my throat would shut.
She is, of course, moving right along as though everything is normal and that she hasn't betrayed her promise made to me four weeks ago that she wouldn't drink. I am sure, in her mind, she feels very much in control of her drinking she has managed to have two bottles of whiskey in her room and only have ?? 1 or 2?? shots in the evening? I have not seen her drunk since that night of Dec. 30, and maybe for her this is proof that she "doesn't have a problem" and that she can "control her drinking".
I am going insane. I am spinning back and forth between my utter despair that she can hide this from me and basically keep up this pretense that she is "not drinking", and the confusion that her normalcy invokes in me. I find myself resorting to rationalizing, "maybe it isn't as bad as I thought...she is not raging, she is controlling it right now". But then I swing back to the question of, "but for how long. and what kind of relationship can I hope to have with someone who has no problem lying to me and betraying her own word?"
I know that I have to leave, even if she doesn't have a problem, I do. My constant anxiety and pain and resentment and guilt are not healthy, and I can't see a way to getting better while living with her. I have the support (both financially and emotionally) of my ex-husband and my mother. It is the actual taking of the steps to do so that is paralyzing me. I am frozen with fear and sorrow.
And I need to tell her, somehow.
So that is how I am this morning! Trying to find strength and courage. Aren't we all?
Thanks again for checking in!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 22
Thank you Wifeofadrinker,
It is helpful to be reminded of all of that.
Gosh, it all looks so clear and easy in print.
I wish I could make it translate so to my heart and head.
Thank you again. This place has become my refuge in just a few short hours.
It is helpful to be reminded of all of that.
Gosh, it all looks so clear and easy in print.
I wish I could make it translate so to my heart and head.
Thank you again. This place has become my refuge in just a few short hours.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
Sweetheart,
You are further along the road than I! It sure does look clearer in print! I am still in my relationship. I ask myself the same question, "How can I make sense of the lying and hiding when he won't acknowldge a problem?" With my AH, he has a slew of things he won't talk about, which is a problem for me, too.
On the flip side, I love our path and our life. I love our activities we do and our discussions about life and politics and environmentalism and science. I love our home and family (him, me and the dog) and I don't want to give it up.
It helps to encourage others here. I hope my words to others will help them sink into me, too!
Hugs,
w
You are further along the road than I! It sure does look clearer in print! I am still in my relationship. I ask myself the same question, "How can I make sense of the lying and hiding when he won't acknowldge a problem?" With my AH, he has a slew of things he won't talk about, which is a problem for me, too.
On the flip side, I love our path and our life. I love our activities we do and our discussions about life and politics and environmentalism and science. I love our home and family (him, me and the dog) and I don't want to give it up.
It helps to encourage others here. I hope my words to others will help them sink into me, too!
Hugs,
w
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Welcome phoenix!
Alcoholics share common traits... harming you... harming themselves... hours of crying their heart out...empty promises...acting as nothing ever happened....
Then drinking again.
It is an abuse cycle and only you can break it. I am glad to hear your resolve. Your daughter and you are very important and I'm glad you got family to support you.
I'm not sure about the living situation but I'm sure it can be sorted out. Have you read your contract conditions? Is it possible to have your daughter move with your mom ahead from you so she does not witness any further drama?
I wish you could just leave one day without even telling her.... not sure if it will be possible.
I have noticed alcoholics don't like to lose the few people that still believed in them. Many do get violent out of the blue. Perhaps it would be a good idea to have someone with you, or the police # handy when you plan to break the news so she has to behave....
I think there is a link with useful tips to leave abusive situations... better prevent any further harm.
We all get the "for how long" feeling... for me it was no way to live...
One year later the alcoholic I knew is drinking more than before. Although its complex and painful to mourn one, I am glad I didn't stay to have my stomach in knots all the time and keep believing his lies. In our last conversation he said he planned to drink until the very last day of his life.
Here I learned he has every right to do that AND that I had the right to RUN AWAY ... and stay away.
Nothing you can do. Just take care of you and your little one!
These links are great
Addiction, Lies and Relationships
Dependency - Relationship
Addiction means always having to say you are sorry and finally, when being sorry is no longer good enough for others who have been repeatedly hurt by the addiction, addiction often means being sorry all alone...
Alcoholics share common traits... harming you... harming themselves... hours of crying their heart out...empty promises...acting as nothing ever happened....
Then drinking again.
It is an abuse cycle and only you can break it. I am glad to hear your resolve. Your daughter and you are very important and I'm glad you got family to support you.
I'm not sure about the living situation but I'm sure it can be sorted out. Have you read your contract conditions? Is it possible to have your daughter move with your mom ahead from you so she does not witness any further drama?
I wish you could just leave one day without even telling her.... not sure if it will be possible.
I have noticed alcoholics don't like to lose the few people that still believed in them. Many do get violent out of the blue. Perhaps it would be a good idea to have someone with you, or the police # handy when you plan to break the news so she has to behave....
I think there is a link with useful tips to leave abusive situations... better prevent any further harm.
We all get the "for how long" feeling... for me it was no way to live...
One year later the alcoholic I knew is drinking more than before. Although its complex and painful to mourn one, I am glad I didn't stay to have my stomach in knots all the time and keep believing his lies. In our last conversation he said he planned to drink until the very last day of his life.
Here I learned he has every right to do that AND that I had the right to RUN AWAY ... and stay away.
Nothing you can do. Just take care of you and your little one!
These links are great
Addiction, Lies and Relationships
Dependency - Relationship
Addiction means always having to say you are sorry and finally, when being sorry is no longer good enough for others who have been repeatedly hurt by the addiction, addiction often means being sorry all alone...
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Tips on how to leave an abusive relationship!
The Alcoholism and Addictions Help Forums- by SoberRecovery.com (Tips on how to leave an abusive relationship!)
Maybe some tips don't apply to you but there are many good ideas there.
The Alcoholism and Addictions Help Forums- by SoberRecovery.com (Tips on how to leave an abusive relationship!)
Maybe some tips don't apply to you but there are many good ideas there.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
She is, of course, moving right along as though everything is normal and that she hasn't betrayed her promise made to me four weeks ago that she wouldn't drink.
Until she makes the promise to herself not to drink she will do this again and again. That's just what alcoholics do.
I am going insane. I am spinning back and forth between my utter despair that she can hide this from me and basically keep up this pretense that she is "not drinking", and the confusion that her normalcy invokes in me.
I do really poorly living in denial. It makes me absolutely nutso, anxious, insecure, paranoid, depressed.....That being said I had to learn how and practice being in reality with the alcoholics in my life. It was not easy to learn this for me!
So, for example if I have made a plan with my pretending to be sober at the moment brother and he blows the date off and then comes around with some kind of excuse (when I know he was at the bar or drinking) I just say "I know that you chose to drink instead of coming by for dinner and to help repair the window like you said. I was worried and waiting to hear from you it really stinks to be feeling like that." And then, natch, he counters with some kind of either angry outburst or bullsh!t excuses etc...and I just do not engage - I say Hunh or Oh and I let it go. It's his life - if he wants to drink it away he has every right. But I will not pretend everything is OK. But that doesn't mean I have to be nasty or even confrontational.
I have found that if I work on accepting him as he is, right then on that day, then I am able to speak the truth without rancor. In fact, my voice stays very low and calm. When I am dead serious and I practice the non-response I avoid all the drama, I don't allow myself to get sucked in and say things I regret or enable his disease by making it about a fight between us.
I had to learn how to do this because the price I was paying for living in denial and the upset it ws causing me in my mental health and anxiety was too great.
Say what you mean. Mean what you say. But don't say it mean.
peace-
b
Until she makes the promise to herself not to drink she will do this again and again. That's just what alcoholics do.
I am going insane. I am spinning back and forth between my utter despair that she can hide this from me and basically keep up this pretense that she is "not drinking", and the confusion that her normalcy invokes in me.
I do really poorly living in denial. It makes me absolutely nutso, anxious, insecure, paranoid, depressed.....That being said I had to learn how and practice being in reality with the alcoholics in my life. It was not easy to learn this for me!
So, for example if I have made a plan with my pretending to be sober at the moment brother and he blows the date off and then comes around with some kind of excuse (when I know he was at the bar or drinking) I just say "I know that you chose to drink instead of coming by for dinner and to help repair the window like you said. I was worried and waiting to hear from you it really stinks to be feeling like that." And then, natch, he counters with some kind of either angry outburst or bullsh!t excuses etc...and I just do not engage - I say Hunh or Oh and I let it go. It's his life - if he wants to drink it away he has every right. But I will not pretend everything is OK. But that doesn't mean I have to be nasty or even confrontational.
I have found that if I work on accepting him as he is, right then on that day, then I am able to speak the truth without rancor. In fact, my voice stays very low and calm. When I am dead serious and I practice the non-response I avoid all the drama, I don't allow myself to get sucked in and say things I regret or enable his disease by making it about a fight between us.
I had to learn how to do this because the price I was paying for living in denial and the upset it ws causing me in my mental health and anxiety was too great.
Say what you mean. Mean what you say. But don't say it mean.
peace-
b
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
even if she doesn't have a problem, I do.
You're in a great spot, I'd say. When I've been where you are--where I realize what matters most to me is how I feel and it ain't good--then I've made changes. Sometimes I go back to my alcoholic, but not recently. Being physically seperated gives me the clarity I sought for so long while living with him. It's taken 4 months to be somewhat sane.
You're doing great. You're coming here, talking about the madness, trusting us, looking for answers. You're concerned about your daughter. All good things.
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