ellie777

I am very new to SR and am finding a lot of great information and stories. Thank you everyone!

My husband is an alcoholic with a binge drinking problem. 19 times out of 20 he is fine, but that 20th time is too much. He's not violent, doesn't drive drunk, etc., but he turns into a completeley different person when he drinks too much and, even occasionally, that is not okay with me...or him. After several years of trying to drink "responsibly", he has realized that the only thing he has control over/can be responsible for is not taking that first drink. He is in AA and we are both working to repair ourselves personally and repair our relationship in couples therapy and our own personal therapies.

I feel a lot of hope and I love him very much. We have a strong relationship and support network and I believe we both would like to have a long, healthy relationship and start a family someday.

When reading through many of the posts though I feel a sense of doom. Am I just naive to think we can have a good life together? That I can have a good life with him? I have a very good friend who's husband (also my good friend) is bi-polar and though there are ups & downs, they have started a family and are happy together. My sister has struggled with depression in the past and though it is something both her and her husband have to "watch for" and manage at times, they have a family and happy life together. I know the road with my husband won't always be easy, but will it always be hard? I have always considered myself a positive, forward-looking, healthy individual...even at my lowest moments. I don't consider co-dependency to be a big problem for me, though I certainly see elements of it in my behavior with my AH at times. Am I naive to have hope?

I guess my question is, is there anyone who has an AH or AW and doesn't feel trapped, but rather happy they stayed and worked through it? We've only been married 3 years, with no kids, etc. I have every intention of growing old (happily) with my AH, but if I'm going to get out, I want to do it before we have kids and while I am still young.

stella27

I think that being hopeful is a good thing.
Is he struggling with not drinking?
How is he with dealing with frustration?
Does he cope well in life?
Does he have a group of friends that you think are a bad influence?
How long has he been not drinking and going to AA?
Has he found a sponsor?
Is he really into his recovery?
Is he generally selfish or does he usually put other people first?

I am not an expert by any means. I am very new at all of this, but knowing what I know now (after 15 years of marriage and 3 children with a husband who is both bipolar and alcoholic), it is very, very, very hard, and the time for me to have gotten out would have been at your stage of the game. Early in marriage; no children.

And I did know that there was something wrong with him back then. I was just so hopeful and inexperienced and I didn't yet know that my best efforts and my love and total devotion to him was not going to save him from destroying himself, his family and me in the process.

But if 15 years ago he had admitted that he had binge drinking capabilities and was determined to put me first and not be enslaved by alcohol for the rest of his life and actively entered recovery, we would have been so different.

At your point in marriage, you cannot know what babies and career stress do to people. many of us are frustrated and tired and keep on truckin'. Some people (usually men, in my experience, can get really beaten down by it all, and that stress coupled with alcohol is a downward spiraling disaster.

Just my jaded opinion. I am sure he has the potential to kick the habit, but it has to be forever.

MissFixit

For me, I wouldn't be asking questions about him, but rather about you. What do you want? Knowing what he is now, do you want to live with him? Alcoholism is progressive and gets worse with time. I would read up on the disease and decide if the outcome is something you want to live with.

I would NOT have kids or be financially dependent on an alcoholic.

JACKRUSSELLGIRL

It is hard to say. Mine has stopped and started again. We have been married 22 years and I can tell you from experience when they start up again, LOOK OUT! It is like they never stopped. This disease is progressive and unfortunately, no amount of Love will stop the progression if they do not quit drinking. I am in the process of trying to separate from him because I do not want to live like this anymore.

The best thing you can do is get educated on the disease and focus on yourself. If there is one thing I have learned is to stop focusing on him and start focusing on me. I wasted so much time and energy trying to get him to see what alcohol was doing to him. He just can not see the damage and is still drinking.

There have been a couple of success stories on here but I do find they are far and few between. I was always looking for the success stories to give me hope. Now I just peace and a alcoholic free home.

Good Luck and !!!

ellie777

I know your questions were probably just for me to think about, but I thought answering them here may help me...and I'd love more feedback.

His sobriety is very new and since his problem was binge drinking, a few weeks (or even months) of not drinking is not really a problem for him. He's done that in the past, both consciencely (I'm just not going to drink for awhile) and without realizing it (he did Weight Watchers and cut out/cut down alcohol b/c he didn't want to waste points on that or when we've been travelling for several weeks in "dry" countries).

He gets frustrated easily, but gets over it quickly as well. He always says he just needs to get it out. I've never known him to be frustrated/stressed and use alcohol to calm his nerves or as a coping mechanism. If he does this, I think it is subconsciously.

He has (since many years) cut out the few bad influences in his life. I never really blamed them, but I think it did make it harder for him, b/c he always seems to binge in "macho" environments...watching sports at a bar, etc. He has a good group of friends that I really like. Some drink more than others, but they are generally responsible and have toned it down quite a bit as we get older/have kids, etc.

He has only been in AA a couple of weeks- I know it is too soon to know if it will last. He tried it once before (about a year ago), but was still in a lot of denial. He seems to now see alcoholism as a disease and accepts that he is powerless over many aspects of it. He has not found a sponsor yet, but he has gotten phone numbers, talked to people during/after meetings. He seems really into his recovery. In the past when he has gotten drunk, he is so depressed and sorry for weeks. (Very annoying) This time he seems really focused on looking forward and hopefuly. He's not ignoring the damage that is done, but he also not getting so down about it that he just gets sick of thinking about it and gives up.

He is the opposite of selfish in most ways. Sometimes I think he gives too much. I would say he definitely has some codependent characteristics. He is sometimes TOO concerned (in my opinion) about pleasing/taking care of other people.

The other thing I should say is that there is alcholism in his family. His grandfather stopped drinking when he was born, but I understand things were pretty rough before that time. His Mom has been sharing more of that with us since he confessed his problem to her (and himself). His GF has been sober for 34 years.

I think what I am learning is that I really can't figure this all out today or this week or this month. We were already trying for a family, so stopping that has been really disappointing, but I would rather wait and see how things transpire. Better to be disappointed/delayed than a single mom. I am thankful that I am financially secure of my own right. I know that would make it harder if I decided to leave him.

For now, I think I will take "One Day At A Time", take care of myself, and give myself the time and space to figure out what I want (& don't want) in my life. When I take the "kid decision" off the table, I feel a little free-er and like I have time to figure all this out.

Thank you everyone!

MissFixit

FYI, being "too concerned" with others is a great way to play martyr and take the focus off of yourself.

RollTide

I recently divorced my binge drinker. I didn't know what I was getting into. He could go for months (seemed like usually 3 months) and then out of the blue would binge. And I mean BINGE. I would always think that he had finally gotten a handle on things and it would always come back at the most inappropriate time and always worse than ever. The in between time was good but I was always waiting for it to happen again and it always did until I decided that I'd had enough. You will get a lot of good information here. Good luck to you.

blessed4x

I divorced my RAH of 22 years last June, remarried him in October. I can't tell you what I would have done 18 years earlier with no kids, because his disease hadn't progressed to the point at that time that it interferred with life....and I was also a social drinker so I probably didn't notice (denial).

We have 4 kiddos, he has 9 months of sobriety and participates in AA, and me in Alanon. I don't think I would have gone back to him without Alanon and my counselor. I learned that NO MATTER what he does I can be happy and content, and that I have control over the choices I make.....and the consequences of those choices.

We are having a fantastic time. Alcohol, which used to occupy 90 of my waking thoughts (and even some of my dreams) is becoming a thought that only occasionally enters my brain. The everyday frustrations.....2-3 loads of laundry a day, kids that don't flush the toilet, a dog that has an occasional accident, bills, work, etc, etc, etc. is no longer an excuse for the old cycle of him drinking, blaming whatever the stress of the day was, and me running around trying to fix everything. However, those stresses did not magically go away. Now we talk about what the stress is, we dig in TOGETHER, and tackle it. I think this is how healthy marriages are supposed to work. I never experienced that before with him, so to me it's like being married to a whole new person. That mutual respect thing was never really something we had.

I think the counseling we had together was huge in teaching us new patterns of communication. Fortunately, I had a counselor who had been seperated from her own husband and restored her marriage. She has many years of experience and said it's rare for marriages that get to the point of divorce to be restored, and it requires work from BOTH partners. For me, it's been worth it. You have to decide whats best for you. And you have to discern whether or not you have a willing partner to work with.