tjm78

hello all:

I'm a first time poster, and a newcomer to the life of living in the presence of a recovering addict/alcoholic. My girlfriend and I have been dating a few months, things happened pretty fast between us and we're very close (we are not living together, however). She's been sober for a few years, I have never done hard drugs and have never been affected by a user/someone in recovery. I have relatives who are users or in recovery, but I'm not close with them. Anyway, she's been going through a lot, stuff with her ex boyfriend (I'm starting to feel like our relationship was a rebound) and she's mentioned wanting a drink or making a "joke" about going to bars lately. She's never done this is the 4 months we've known each other, so I don't know how serious it is, she says its not my problem and when I asked her if I should call her sponsor, she said if I ever did that she would feel betrayed and if she needed help she'd ask for it. How serious should I take this, and is there any advice you can give me? Thanks, I appreciate anything and everything you can do for me.

JenT1968

Hi welcome to the forum,

there is a saying in al-anon/mnar-anon "hands off the addict/alcoholic", it means leaving them to their choices and consequences there-of. Have you tried AL-anon, the purpose of it is a resource for those affected by the another's drinking (or in your case your worries that she will).

I have no idea if she is headed for a relapse, only time will tell, but you can work on yourself so that you don't have to live life worried about her choices, so that your happiness does not depend on her choices. Does that sound better than worrying what you should do about her, what is in her future?

And she's right, her sponsor is for her, not for you, a sponsor is not the "drinking police" and an experienced one will call her on any BS taht they see. In al-anon you could get a sponsor for yourself who would help you keep your focus on you.

Have you read te stickies at the top, there is some good stuff there,

glad you found us

GiveLove

Absolutely, tjm, read the sticky posts at the top of the forum. It seems that most/many of us spend a lot of time wondering "What's happening? How can I know for sure? What should I do?" A lot of those sticky posts are a record of many people's responses and experiences, which can be a goldmine for you.

Learn all you can about this nasty disorder of alcoholism. Consider Al-Anon or some other kind of support group for yourself. You cannot control your fiancee's choices....she's going to do whatever she's going to do, and her recovery (and her relationship to her sponsor) is hers alone to manage.

Welcome to sober recovery - pull up a chair and stay a while. It's a great place to help us all stay sane.

ReadyToHelp

Hi Tjm,

This is such a great message board. People here are honest, generous with advice, and caring. They are also very knowledgeable.

What I like about this board is you get feedback. People write. They write about your issue, what they've experienced, and about what they've read. It's like having a bunch of therapists who have personal experience with the same problem!

My biggest piece of advice to you is - know that all that you're learning here, in books and at Al-Anon is true about you and your GF. Any "new ideas" have already been had. Most of us thought we could save our loved ones with our love, with our hard work, a book, therapy, vacations, etc. The truth is - they are the way they are. It's like they crossed a line and so they aren't like the non-addict. They think differently and function differently. My biggest problem was admitting to myself that we were like "them". But THEY are addicts, no matter how neatly or poorly they're dressed, or how educated or uneducated they are - and my Xabf was one of "them".

And careful, because WE follow a set of reactions that just come naturally - one being the desire to "do something" to help them. The rules of the game are different in this world. Helping is enabling, and being kind and generous is, too. You've done something good for yourself and for your gf by coming to this message board.

I was with my Xabf for 2 years, and I'd known him for 19 years before we got together. I loved him for a long time, so when we finally got together, I had to "do something" to help him. I did a lot, but the best things I'd done was learn how A's operate, and how enablers/codies operate then admit to myself that this was what was happening. It took time to admit to myself that he was self-destructive, although he was very much functioning and hid it well. Thank goodness I equipped myself information about the "disease" and was honest with myself. That way I was able to make an educated decision on whether to stay in it or let go. In the end, my heart was ready to give up before my mind was! He'd hurt me that badly. :-(

Stay here and read as much as you can, then come back for more. Learn the truth about what this "disease" is, and how it affects loved ones, and learn how to identify when you're enabling or being codependent. It really helps!

Good luck!

READY!

barb dwyer

hi tjm and welcome!

I totally agree with 'hands off' thing.

I am an alcoholic.
It is often said in the rooms
that a relapse happens months weeks days
before the first drink is actually taken.

You have received good advice here
on helping you understand your own perspective stance and
can read further about appropriate actions/methods you can use.

I hope you make good friends here, and continue to post.
It helps amazingly just to get things
out of our heads on onto ..
well not a page...
but you get the drift.

Found

Glad to hear you had the good sense not to 'solve' your romantic and residentiary questions in a combined fashion and I mean that whether one is in a relationship with a (recovering) alcoholic or addict or not. If only more people would keep the issues separate and "keep it simple".
Best wishes

Chiaroscuro

I've been faced with the same thing recently and started going to Al-anon. As they say, in an emergency place the oxygen mask on yourself, then try to help others. And what you may find is that if you take care of yourself, you'll be able to provide loving support without getting involved in the drama.

And it's very, very important for your own sanity to stay clear about what you can actually do something about and what you can't. Be an example of sanity, stay calm and it might help her more than anything else you can do for her.

tjm78

Thanks everyone, this all happened so fast that I just started to look to Al-Anon (local meeting isn't until Friday) but whatever is going on with her started last week and it was only over the weekend that she started talking about it. She doesn't talk about it too much so when she started making little jokes I got concerned and sought this website out. She's supposedly been here before, looking for escape in drugs or alcohol and in 4 years hasn't done it, it's just new to me and I'll probably have to live through it with her a few times before I get it, I guess. I didn't read the stickys, I'm sorry, I was desperate for answers but limited on time.

barb dwyer

tjm-

I can tell you up front and personal -
if you are indeded a 'normie'
(our slang for someone who has no substance issues what so ever)

do not start on that 'trying to understand her or her disease' path.

If you are in fact a normal person...
you can't.
It can't be done.

You might be able to somtimes predict stuff
but a person without these problems
can never
and I'm beginning to think WILL never
...understand the mind of an alcoholic.

I am an alcoholic.
And *I* do't understand my mind.
And I've practically made it my life's work!

So save yourself a few years of trouble and don't even go there.
Go instead to the meeting
and learn what tools they have learned that will help YOU
take care of yourself, learn about yourself ...
let that be your introduction to this world.

I'm glad you found a meeting.
Good for you - for going.

It shows you truly care about her.

We alcoholics don't always understand that, either.

I hope you'll hang out and get to know folks here.

SR has literally saved me time and again.

tjm78

I can promise you I am a "normie" - not to say that I was always on the straight and narrow, but I never did anything I would consider a hard drug and I never did anything in excess. Its a part of her I don't understand and I don't want to push her by asking so I stay away from it, but it's really bothering me. She keeps saying I can go to a AA meeting with her and I've shown interest in going, but she never takes me up on it, I can't talk to any of my friends about her past so I feel lost. I hope the meeting works, thanks again for your help.

Lilyflower

If you truely feel you can't talk to your friends about it, you can always come here to talk, anytime, day or night, there is usually someone here around the clock.

The hardest thing is learning that you can't help. She knows the score, she has been through the recovery process, and she is right, if she needs help she will ask, but she should ask her sponsor and/or her group - not you!

I say that because as Barb says, we cannot understand, without taking a mile in their shoes, how could we? In the same way, she won't understand the other side of that coin - how this could affect you.

She hasn't actually relapsed? Then count your blessings and let her sort out her mind. As only she can.

Educate yourself, and learn the art of detachment and the 3C's - you didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it.

Welcome to SR, I hope you stick around!
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

PS - stickies are always there, so take your time to read through

tjm78

I can't talk to my friends about it because its a private matter that my friends don't know about, and I respect her wishes to keep it private and not let anyone know about it. She will break her anonymity if she knows someone needs help, but not because I need to seek advice from people who know her.