Seperated From My Fiancee... Want To Make it Work
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Clearwater, FL
Posts: 1
Seperated From My Fiancee... Want To Make it Work
First of all, I must say that I really admire and respect all the posters on here for telling their personal stories and sharing heartfelt advice and comments. I had no idea that so many people were dealing with similar issues as I have felt alone for the last year in dealing with our situation. I am engaged to a beautiful girl with a huge heart when she is clean and sober. We are best friends, have a lot of passion in our relationship, and we both truly feel we belong together. I love her even with her problems but the emotional toll was so great I had to separate in hopes she would realize she needed more help than I could provide.
I believe she has always been used to hiding her "problems" because she grew up with with abusive (not physically) parents and had to cover up their personal issues. Her mother was verbally abusive, emotionally distant, and abuses prescription pills. Her father is unhealthily image obsessed, verbally abusive and has a serious alcohol addiction. My fiancee was forced to raise her little brother from age 2 or 3 because their mom assumed very little responsibility and dad was always working. I tell this story because it is important in explaining the issues I want to be able to love and understand in my fiancee. During the past 2 years I have been learning to live with a partner that has bulimia, an alcohol addiction, becomes verbally abusive when drunk and a propensity to abuse medications. Like I said earlier, she has a huge heart and children are her passion in life. I am encouraging her to go back to school for her masters and I have also brought up marriage (put on hold when the problems became too much) and having a baby. I am not sure if this is wrong, as I am trying to use a 3rd party stimuli (e.g. having a baby) to encourage her not to drink anymore. I was an enabler and codependent on alcohol so I need to take blame for exacerbating the problems throughout the relationship. We can deal with the bulimia (its an every day battle but we talk about it openly) and the prescription abuse has stopped for the last 4-5 months but the alcohol and verbal abuse has gotten worse. By the way, she is currently living with her dad who denies he has a problem (nightly black out drinker) and thinks rehab and therapy are a joke. I know she wants to get better so I need to get her away from him so he can't ruin the progress we are making...
I would appreciate any advice on what I may be able to do and what I could suggest to my fiancee as she does listen to my advice. I would like to get her on the board here but she would not be happy with all the information I am sharing. I am very excited to hear from everyone as I did not realize there were so many incredible, caring people that have dealt with similar and more difficult situations. I felt alone for 2 years in dealing with this but I have hope that we can make it through with some help and support! Thank you in advance and I hope that I can become as strong, encouraging, and compassionate as the people on here in helping others.
I believe she has always been used to hiding her "problems" because she grew up with with abusive (not physically) parents and had to cover up their personal issues. Her mother was verbally abusive, emotionally distant, and abuses prescription pills. Her father is unhealthily image obsessed, verbally abusive and has a serious alcohol addiction. My fiancee was forced to raise her little brother from age 2 or 3 because their mom assumed very little responsibility and dad was always working. I tell this story because it is important in explaining the issues I want to be able to love and understand in my fiancee. During the past 2 years I have been learning to live with a partner that has bulimia, an alcohol addiction, becomes verbally abusive when drunk and a propensity to abuse medications. Like I said earlier, she has a huge heart and children are her passion in life. I am encouraging her to go back to school for her masters and I have also brought up marriage (put on hold when the problems became too much) and having a baby. I am not sure if this is wrong, as I am trying to use a 3rd party stimuli (e.g. having a baby) to encourage her not to drink anymore. I was an enabler and codependent on alcohol so I need to take blame for exacerbating the problems throughout the relationship. We can deal with the bulimia (its an every day battle but we talk about it openly) and the prescription abuse has stopped for the last 4-5 months but the alcohol and verbal abuse has gotten worse. By the way, she is currently living with her dad who denies he has a problem (nightly black out drinker) and thinks rehab and therapy are a joke. I know she wants to get better so I need to get her away from him so he can't ruin the progress we are making...
I would appreciate any advice on what I may be able to do and what I could suggest to my fiancee as she does listen to my advice. I would like to get her on the board here but she would not be happy with all the information I am sharing. I am very excited to hear from everyone as I did not realize there were so many incredible, caring people that have dealt with similar and more difficult situations. I felt alone for 2 years in dealing with this but I have hope that we can make it through with some help and support! Thank you in advance and I hope that I can become as strong, encouraging, and compassionate as the people on here in helping others.
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
First: She has to initiate the changes, not you.
It's up to her. The tools are out there, she has to want to use them.
Until she does, this will likely be a downward spiral and if you're not careful, she'll drag you down with her.
You are encouraging her to have a baby?? This is...not good. She is verbally abusive to you? The man she supposedly loves? This also is not good.
It's up to her. The tools are out there, she has to want to use them.
Until she does, this will likely be a downward spiral and if you're not careful, she'll drag you down with her.
I am not sure if this is wrong, as I am trying to use a 3rd party stimuli (e.g. having a baby) to encourage her not to drink anymore. I was an enabler and codependent on alcohol so I need to take blame for exacerbating the problems throughout the relationship. We can deal with the bulimia (its an every day battle but we talk about it openly) and the prescription abuse has stopped for the last 4-5 months but the alcohol and verbal abuse has gotten worse. By the way, she is currently living with her dad who denies he has a problem (nightly black out drinker) and thinks rehab and therapy are a joke. I know she wants to get better so I need to get her away from him so he can't ruin the progress we are making...
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
hi gregjr...if this is your first post here, 
to SR! The support found here is unparalleled.
It sounds like you've been lurking for a time, so let me just remind you of the 3 C's of addiction:
You didn't cause it.
You can't cure it.
You can't control it.
I bolded the last one because it seems to apply to your post directly. You say you are trying to give your fiancé third party stimuli (i.e. incentive) to stop drinking and abusing pills. To be blunt, this won't work. Nothing *you* do or say will work. As much as you love this person, your love won't be enough to get her to quit her addiction.
*She* needs to decide she's had enough and wants to seek recovery. From the stories I've read here, recovery is long bumpy road that you may or may not choose to stick around for. My X never chose to go that route; even if he had, I would have left. The verbal abuse and addiction had destroyed all the love I had felt for him.
At this point, the best thing you can do for her is focus on yourself. Notice how your post is all about her? What about you? What are your goals? What makes you happy? How do you plan to get there?
to SR! The support found here is unparalleled. It sounds like you've been lurking for a time, so let me just remind you of the 3 C's of addiction:
You didn't cause it.
You can't cure it.
You can't control it.
I bolded the last one because it seems to apply to your post directly. You say you are trying to give your fiancé third party stimuli (i.e. incentive) to stop drinking and abusing pills. To be blunt, this won't work. Nothing *you* do or say will work. As much as you love this person, your love won't be enough to get her to quit her addiction.
*She* needs to decide she's had enough and wants to seek recovery. From the stories I've read here, recovery is long bumpy road that you may or may not choose to stick around for. My X never chose to go that route; even if he had, I would have left. The verbal abuse and addiction had destroyed all the love I had felt for him.
At this point, the best thing you can do for her is focus on yourself. Notice how your post is all about her? What about you? What are your goals? What makes you happy? How do you plan to get there?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 902
Hi and welcome!!! Read the stickies at the top. There's a lot of good information there.
Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do to help her until she decides to get sober on her own. We have all tried and failed miserably. If you insist on staying, it's going to be a bumpy ride. Alcoholism is progressive and this will get worse.
I would not encourage a baby. This will not get her sober. There is another poster here, Ives, with a pregnant girlfriend who continues to abuse and is very likely harming their baby.
Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do to help her until she decides to get sober on her own. We have all tried and failed miserably. If you insist on staying, it's going to be a bumpy ride. Alcoholism is progressive and this will get worse.
I would not encourage a baby. This will not get her sober. There is another poster here, Ives, with a pregnant girlfriend who continues to abuse and is very likely harming their baby.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: seeking sanity
Posts: 645
Gregjr008
I made the mistake of marrying the alcoholic in my life and after a few short years have recently divorced. I had never been around an alcoholic or insane living so I was literally blindsided. This board has helped me immensely and I have recently started Alanon. Between the two I am regaining my sanity. It took me a lot of pain to realize that not one thing I did made even a slight difference regarding how much he drank. Divorcing a man that I still love very much was one of the hardest things that I have ever done. I had to do it to save me. My advice to you is to keep reading here and also find an Alanon meeting. Also, think LONG and HARD before you decide to marry an alcoholic.
I made the mistake of marrying the alcoholic in my life and after a few short years have recently divorced. I had never been around an alcoholic or insane living so I was literally blindsided. This board has helped me immensely and I have recently started Alanon. Between the two I am regaining my sanity. It took me a lot of pain to realize that not one thing I did made even a slight difference regarding how much he drank. Divorcing a man that I still love very much was one of the hardest things that I have ever done. I had to do it to save me. My advice to you is to keep reading here and also find an Alanon meeting. Also, think LONG and HARD before you decide to marry an alcoholic.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 170
Greg, sorry to say this. But if you marry this woman, you are making a MASSIVE mistake. She will only get worse. She will lie and manipulate and whatever you do - don't encourage her to have a baby.
Nothing you do will change her. Period.
Nothing you do will change her. Period.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
Welcome!
When I came to the board last October, I had just miscarried my husband and my first child. I love my husband very much and wanted to help him, as well. Click on my name and "read more posts" to see my story. Lots of folks had advice about raising kids with an alcoholic. Everyone's advice to me might help you, too.
Go back and read your post and see how much fixing, helping, changing you are trying to do with your fiancee. You have acknowledged you are a codependent (good for you!). Do you see all those behaviors coming out? Is your fiancee your equal life partner or your recovery project?
I don't say that to sting, although it probably does, but have you look at your life objectively.
Read Codependent No More.
Bring all that wonderful, loving energy you have and look at you.
Who are you?
What do you want in your life?
How can YOU be a better, healthier person?
What are you doing for you?
Stick around. Thanks for posting
Wife
When I came to the board last October, I had just miscarried my husband and my first child. I love my husband very much and wanted to help him, as well. Click on my name and "read more posts" to see my story. Lots of folks had advice about raising kids with an alcoholic. Everyone's advice to me might help you, too.
Go back and read your post and see how much fixing, helping, changing you are trying to do with your fiancee. You have acknowledged you are a codependent (good for you!). Do you see all those behaviors coming out? Is your fiancee your equal life partner or your recovery project?
I don't say that to sting, although it probably does, but have you look at your life objectively.
Read Codependent No More.
Bring all that wonderful, loving energy you have and look at you.
Who are you?
What do you want in your life?
How can YOU be a better, healthier person?
What are you doing for you?
Stick around. Thanks for posting
Wife
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