Alcoholic Boyfriend
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: OR
Posts: 32
Alcoholic Boyfriend
I titled my posting "AB", because that's what I had years ago. When we were together and I was feeling completely lost, I found this forum, and it was the best tool I could have hoped for. I come back and post my story every now and again to repay the invaluable service I received. My hope is that, while my post might not be for everyone, it will strike a chord with at least someone in a similar situation.
My alcoholic relationship:
It is amazing to me when I think back on what I put up with. At the time, I could rationalize all of the struggles that came with being in an relationship with an alcoholic. Perhaps this was partly because these struggles surfaced gradually. I know now that it was mostly because I was afraid I couldn't find anyone else to love me.
When I met Paul (that will be his code name), I was thrilled. He was a really good looking man. He was the life of the party, and seemed to be incredibly caring. In fact, I met him because he was helping my mom with her groceries (they lived in the same apartment complex). More than anything, Paul was very enamored with me. At the time, I thought this was my "chance" at an adult relationship. No man had ever really been "into" me. The irony is that I am a good looking lady, I'm smart, funny, kind, and for the most part, everyone likes me. But, I didn't know how to find guys to date, and so when Paul came along it seemed like a "sign" to me.
The first few weeks that we dated, Paul didn't drink at all. I'm guessing he knew he had a problem, and didn't want to expose it early on. The first time he drank in front of me, it was at a party at his place. He drank so much, he went to bed early and passed out. I let myself think it was an isolated incident. When I went back in the morning, he had the covers off his bed, and was drying the mattress with a fan. I actually felt sorry for him thinking "wow, he got so drunk he wet the bed. he must be embarrassed. I will pretend not to notice". Sign #2 came about that same morning. When cleaning up, he actually finished off a half empty beer. This is disgusting, but I chalked it up to him being a "guy".
As the months went on, the passed out/bed wetting scenario continued. By then, I was embarrassed. Almost as if I had done something wrong by choosing to be in a relationship with this guy. I didn't want to break up with him because I was afraid my family would be disappointed (which is ridiculous by the way). I was also afraid I wouldn't find another boyfriend (also ridiculous...there's only billions of men on this planet).
All in all, I felt (wrongly) that there wasn't any one thing I could put my finger on to justify breaking up with him. It seemed like all of his inadequacies could be "explained". I was afraid I was misjudging the situation and would end up driving away the love of my life. Really, I was evaluating the relationship on potential not on reality.
After a year, I confronted him about the drinking. He became completely defensive and threw every excuse at me. Then, he decided to leave and he didn't return until the next morning. That night, worried,I tried to reach him by phone. Some woman answered. I could tell he was at a bar from the background noise. When he returned the next morning, he was so apologetic. He actually proposed. I said NO. He told me he had gone out with his sister and stayed at her place. It was plausible, but I learned later that he had probably cheated on me. That morning, he agreed to go to AA. He probably did this to go to draw my attention away from the affair. It worked. I was so happy to see he was going to get better.
The AA effort lasted 2 weeks. He would say it lasted 4 weeks, but in reality he and his "friend" Roy decided it would be okay to take prescription pills on day 14. This landed Paul in the emergency room. I felt sorry for him. In that one month effort, I tried harder to keep Paul sober than he did. I would come straight home from work to "monitor" him, try to plan activities for us that didn't involve alcohol, etc. I didn't really clue into the fact that Paul wasn't really doing anything other than going to an AA meeting once a week. He was never concerned with being proactive and putting himself in an environment for success.
I spent the next few months watching Paul "get sober". This really meant he hid the beer cans in the back yard. We moved away from the apartment complex where all his "buddies" lived. I thought if we were farther away it would give Paul a fighting chance to get sober. HA! I didn't yet understand that there is truly nothing, NOTHING, anyone but the alcoholic can do to get sober.
A year and a half into the relationship he disappeared again. This time for 2 days. And, I, like an idiot, didn't think he was cheating. But, I got the weirdest stroke of luck. One night, I was sleeping on the couch (because he had wet the bed AGAIN), and the phone beeped. Paul and I had the same cell phone, and in my 3am daze, I thought it was mine. It was not. And the beep was a sexual text message from another woman.
For me, cheating was the absolute line. It's my point of no return, and thank god I have that. We were done. That weekend, I filled the moving truck with my stuff (all on my own), took it to a storage locker, and decided to stay on my mom's couch. Paul called every few days (in a drunken state) crying about how much he missed me. I answered his calls for two weeks because I wanted to stay on good terms until the apartment lease and utility bills were transferred into his name. I became the manipulator, trying to make sure I didn't suffer any future financial consequences. When all the "i's" were dotted and "t's" crossed, I blocked his calls.
I stayed on my mom's couch in a tiny one bedroom apartment for 4 months. It was the happiest I had been in over a year.
So that's my story. Of course, it is more complex, but you get the basics.
HOW I COPED AND ULTIMATELY SUCCEEDED:
It was not easy to break up with Paul. While I was determined not to get back together with him, it was still painful. Intuitively, I knew there was something wrong with the way I viewed relationships and myself. Paul's problem was alcoholism, but he wasn't the only one at fault in the relationship. I let him cause me pain. I didn't know what I needed to do to prevent myself from going down the same road again, but I knew I needed to do something.
1. I started with this forum. Posting my story was the best for me. There was something wonderful about admitting to the world what had happened. I cried. I got pissed at myself for having put up with a year and a half of pain. I basked in the support everyone on this forum offered. IT WAS GREAT! In just a couple of weeks I felt pretty damn good.
2. I listened to what people on this forum suggested. The number one suggestion that everyone had was to get busy doing what I wanted. I joined a recreational basketball team. I took my dog to obedience training. Perhaps my most drastic change was returning to school to earn a second bachelor's degree in something completely different. Within a month, my life was filled with all the things I wanted to do. I wasn't chained to an alcoholic, giving up my life to monitor his drinking.
3. I went to Alanon. This was important for me because I quickly learned that Alanon was depressing for me. Actually, it wasn't Alanon that was depressing, it was listening other people who were trapped in relationships with alcoholics. Now, everyone is different. For some people, going to Alanon twice a week helps them stay in the relationship with their husband, wife, daughter, son, etc. For me, I realized I can never be in a relationship with an alcoholic. It is sober or nothing for me. I don't want to spend two nights a week coping with the behavior of someone else.
4. I joined an online dating site without the intention of getting into a relationship. This was my way of proving there were more fish in the sea, and that I didn't have to take the first man that came along. For a couple of months this worked great for me. But eventually, I was so passionate about what I was doing in life (school, sports, family, etc), that I dropped the dating site.
Ultimately, I quickly changed from getting over my ex to exploring the world around me.
THE FUTURE:
It has been over three years since living that way. I'm about to graduate with my new degree. I've also been in a normal relationship with a non-alcoholic for a year and a half. It's an actual partnership, which has been an interesting experience for me. I've gotten at the heart of how I got into that bad alcoholic relationship in the first place. I know how to address my strengths and weaknesses regarding life, relationships, and self esteem.
MY ADVICE:
Okay, advice is just that...a suggestion. I'm not an expert, and as I said at the very beginning; this post isn't for everyone. With that said, here's my personal take on dealing with an alcoholic partner:
1. DON'T "DEAL". Don't "deal" with anything. Everyone, alcoholics included, need to be held responsible for their actions. The behavior that results from alcoholism is unacceptable, and you don't have to put up with it. You really don't. There is no law that requires you to sacrifice your well-being to be tolerant of the ups and downs of the alcoholic.
2. If you think there is a problem...there is a problem. If you think he/she is drinking, he/she is. If you think he/she is cheating, he/she is. If you think he/she isn't taking sobriety seriously, he/she isn't taking sobriety seriously. And the list goes on.
3. Create your own list of "deal breakers". I would suggest getting more strict than I did. For example, if he/she falls of the wagon after committing to AA, leave. If he/she cheats, hits, calls you a certain bad name...leave.
4. Start dreaming of what you want in life and start working towards it. The sky is the limit. Come up with things that you can accomplish without your partner. If you are still in your relationship, don't compromise your activities to tend to your partner.
5. Figure out why you are, or were, willing to be in a relationship with someone who puts alcohol before you. This is the reality. Alcohol is always #1, you are at best, #2. Why are you okay with this?
6. Don't move in together. Don't get a dog or cat together. Don't share a cell phone plan, etc. Breaking up, especially if you live together, is sticky. It can be difficult to separate logistically especially when a lease or contract is involved. As such, I would recommend never moving in with an alcoholic. You really shouldn't move in with any partner too early on, and if you've been dating him/her for several months you will know if he/she is an alcoholic.
7. Judge every relationship on the reality...not what you think it can be in the future. Who is your partner now? Not, who you think your partner can be.
8. YOU CAN NOT FIX THE ALCOHOLIC. This might be the most important thing to realize. NOTHING....NOTHING...NOTHING...you do will get him/her sober. It is 100% out of your control.
That's it. I truly hope this helps someone find some level of peace and inner happiness.
My alcoholic relationship:
It is amazing to me when I think back on what I put up with. At the time, I could rationalize all of the struggles that came with being in an relationship with an alcoholic. Perhaps this was partly because these struggles surfaced gradually. I know now that it was mostly because I was afraid I couldn't find anyone else to love me.
When I met Paul (that will be his code name), I was thrilled. He was a really good looking man. He was the life of the party, and seemed to be incredibly caring. In fact, I met him because he was helping my mom with her groceries (they lived in the same apartment complex). More than anything, Paul was very enamored with me. At the time, I thought this was my "chance" at an adult relationship. No man had ever really been "into" me. The irony is that I am a good looking lady, I'm smart, funny, kind, and for the most part, everyone likes me. But, I didn't know how to find guys to date, and so when Paul came along it seemed like a "sign" to me.
The first few weeks that we dated, Paul didn't drink at all. I'm guessing he knew he had a problem, and didn't want to expose it early on. The first time he drank in front of me, it was at a party at his place. He drank so much, he went to bed early and passed out. I let myself think it was an isolated incident. When I went back in the morning, he had the covers off his bed, and was drying the mattress with a fan. I actually felt sorry for him thinking "wow, he got so drunk he wet the bed. he must be embarrassed. I will pretend not to notice". Sign #2 came about that same morning. When cleaning up, he actually finished off a half empty beer. This is disgusting, but I chalked it up to him being a "guy".
As the months went on, the passed out/bed wetting scenario continued. By then, I was embarrassed. Almost as if I had done something wrong by choosing to be in a relationship with this guy. I didn't want to break up with him because I was afraid my family would be disappointed (which is ridiculous by the way). I was also afraid I wouldn't find another boyfriend (also ridiculous...there's only billions of men on this planet).
All in all, I felt (wrongly) that there wasn't any one thing I could put my finger on to justify breaking up with him. It seemed like all of his inadequacies could be "explained". I was afraid I was misjudging the situation and would end up driving away the love of my life. Really, I was evaluating the relationship on potential not on reality.
After a year, I confronted him about the drinking. He became completely defensive and threw every excuse at me. Then, he decided to leave and he didn't return until the next morning. That night, worried,I tried to reach him by phone. Some woman answered. I could tell he was at a bar from the background noise. When he returned the next morning, he was so apologetic. He actually proposed. I said NO. He told me he had gone out with his sister and stayed at her place. It was plausible, but I learned later that he had probably cheated on me. That morning, he agreed to go to AA. He probably did this to go to draw my attention away from the affair. It worked. I was so happy to see he was going to get better.
The AA effort lasted 2 weeks. He would say it lasted 4 weeks, but in reality he and his "friend" Roy decided it would be okay to take prescription pills on day 14. This landed Paul in the emergency room. I felt sorry for him. In that one month effort, I tried harder to keep Paul sober than he did. I would come straight home from work to "monitor" him, try to plan activities for us that didn't involve alcohol, etc. I didn't really clue into the fact that Paul wasn't really doing anything other than going to an AA meeting once a week. He was never concerned with being proactive and putting himself in an environment for success.
I spent the next few months watching Paul "get sober". This really meant he hid the beer cans in the back yard. We moved away from the apartment complex where all his "buddies" lived. I thought if we were farther away it would give Paul a fighting chance to get sober. HA! I didn't yet understand that there is truly nothing, NOTHING, anyone but the alcoholic can do to get sober.
A year and a half into the relationship he disappeared again. This time for 2 days. And, I, like an idiot, didn't think he was cheating. But, I got the weirdest stroke of luck. One night, I was sleeping on the couch (because he had wet the bed AGAIN), and the phone beeped. Paul and I had the same cell phone, and in my 3am daze, I thought it was mine. It was not. And the beep was a sexual text message from another woman.
For me, cheating was the absolute line. It's my point of no return, and thank god I have that. We were done. That weekend, I filled the moving truck with my stuff (all on my own), took it to a storage locker, and decided to stay on my mom's couch. Paul called every few days (in a drunken state) crying about how much he missed me. I answered his calls for two weeks because I wanted to stay on good terms until the apartment lease and utility bills were transferred into his name. I became the manipulator, trying to make sure I didn't suffer any future financial consequences. When all the "i's" were dotted and "t's" crossed, I blocked his calls.
I stayed on my mom's couch in a tiny one bedroom apartment for 4 months. It was the happiest I had been in over a year.
So that's my story. Of course, it is more complex, but you get the basics.
HOW I COPED AND ULTIMATELY SUCCEEDED:
It was not easy to break up with Paul. While I was determined not to get back together with him, it was still painful. Intuitively, I knew there was something wrong with the way I viewed relationships and myself. Paul's problem was alcoholism, but he wasn't the only one at fault in the relationship. I let him cause me pain. I didn't know what I needed to do to prevent myself from going down the same road again, but I knew I needed to do something.
1. I started with this forum. Posting my story was the best for me. There was something wonderful about admitting to the world what had happened. I cried. I got pissed at myself for having put up with a year and a half of pain. I basked in the support everyone on this forum offered. IT WAS GREAT! In just a couple of weeks I felt pretty damn good.
2. I listened to what people on this forum suggested. The number one suggestion that everyone had was to get busy doing what I wanted. I joined a recreational basketball team. I took my dog to obedience training. Perhaps my most drastic change was returning to school to earn a second bachelor's degree in something completely different. Within a month, my life was filled with all the things I wanted to do. I wasn't chained to an alcoholic, giving up my life to monitor his drinking.
3. I went to Alanon. This was important for me because I quickly learned that Alanon was depressing for me. Actually, it wasn't Alanon that was depressing, it was listening other people who were trapped in relationships with alcoholics. Now, everyone is different. For some people, going to Alanon twice a week helps them stay in the relationship with their husband, wife, daughter, son, etc. For me, I realized I can never be in a relationship with an alcoholic. It is sober or nothing for me. I don't want to spend two nights a week coping with the behavior of someone else.
4. I joined an online dating site without the intention of getting into a relationship. This was my way of proving there were more fish in the sea, and that I didn't have to take the first man that came along. For a couple of months this worked great for me. But eventually, I was so passionate about what I was doing in life (school, sports, family, etc), that I dropped the dating site.
Ultimately, I quickly changed from getting over my ex to exploring the world around me.
THE FUTURE:
It has been over three years since living that way. I'm about to graduate with my new degree. I've also been in a normal relationship with a non-alcoholic for a year and a half. It's an actual partnership, which has been an interesting experience for me. I've gotten at the heart of how I got into that bad alcoholic relationship in the first place. I know how to address my strengths and weaknesses regarding life, relationships, and self esteem.
MY ADVICE:
Okay, advice is just that...a suggestion. I'm not an expert, and as I said at the very beginning; this post isn't for everyone. With that said, here's my personal take on dealing with an alcoholic partner:
1. DON'T "DEAL". Don't "deal" with anything. Everyone, alcoholics included, need to be held responsible for their actions. The behavior that results from alcoholism is unacceptable, and you don't have to put up with it. You really don't. There is no law that requires you to sacrifice your well-being to be tolerant of the ups and downs of the alcoholic.
2. If you think there is a problem...there is a problem. If you think he/she is drinking, he/she is. If you think he/she is cheating, he/she is. If you think he/she isn't taking sobriety seriously, he/she isn't taking sobriety seriously. And the list goes on.
3. Create your own list of "deal breakers". I would suggest getting more strict than I did. For example, if he/she falls of the wagon after committing to AA, leave. If he/she cheats, hits, calls you a certain bad name...leave.
4. Start dreaming of what you want in life and start working towards it. The sky is the limit. Come up with things that you can accomplish without your partner. If you are still in your relationship, don't compromise your activities to tend to your partner.
5. Figure out why you are, or were, willing to be in a relationship with someone who puts alcohol before you. This is the reality. Alcohol is always #1, you are at best, #2. Why are you okay with this?
6. Don't move in together. Don't get a dog or cat together. Don't share a cell phone plan, etc. Breaking up, especially if you live together, is sticky. It can be difficult to separate logistically especially when a lease or contract is involved. As such, I would recommend never moving in with an alcoholic. You really shouldn't move in with any partner too early on, and if you've been dating him/her for several months you will know if he/she is an alcoholic.
7. Judge every relationship on the reality...not what you think it can be in the future. Who is your partner now? Not, who you think your partner can be.
8. YOU CAN NOT FIX THE ALCOHOLIC. This might be the most important thing to realize. NOTHING....NOTHING...NOTHING...you do will get him/her sober. It is 100% out of your control.
That's it. I truly hope this helps someone find some level of peace and inner happiness.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Derry, Nh
Posts: 3
OMG!
I'm very new to this "alcoholic" thing. I just dumped my XAHB for the 3rd time on New Years Day. Never had any experience with a partner in substance abuse. Believed everything he said. I'm not stupid. Stand on my own two feet...supporting 2 children alone. He ended up being another child and took up so much of my thoughts and time. I walked on egg shells in my own home...thinking about everything I said as to not set him off on a "mood". No way to live!! Your story is so much like mine. Mind games, blame thrown my way, excuses, manipulation. I have been going to Al Anon. It's been wonderful. I need to work on why I find myself attracted to such looooozzzzeeeerrrrs!. Love is not enough. Being accountable for your own actions/feelings is mature and required for a healthy relationship. My XABF tought me a HUGE lesson. I knew things wern't right from the beginning. I didn't trust my gut. Now I do. Listen to your belly, girls!
I'm very new to this "alcoholic" thing. I just dumped my XAHB for the 3rd time on New Years Day. Never had any experience with a partner in substance abuse. Believed everything he said. I'm not stupid. Stand on my own two feet...supporting 2 children alone. He ended up being another child and took up so much of my thoughts and time. I walked on egg shells in my own home...thinking about everything I said as to not set him off on a "mood". No way to live!! Your story is so much like mine. Mind games, blame thrown my way, excuses, manipulation. I have been going to Al Anon. It's been wonderful. I need to work on why I find myself attracted to such looooozzzzeeeerrrrs!. Love is not enough. Being accountable for your own actions/feelings is mature and required for a healthy relationship. My XABF tought me a HUGE lesson. I knew things wern't right from the beginning. I didn't trust my gut. Now I do. Listen to your belly, girls!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: uk
Posts: 124
Wow! Thanks for the post and 'suggestions'! I ended it with my abf 15 months ago when I realised that he wasn't going to stop drinking. It broke my heart, I had been with him for 9 years and had a young child with him. I am a RA myself (nearly 4 years sober) and I knew if i stayed with him then I would inevitably pick up because of the emotional pain I was constantly going through. Also, I didn't want my children to think that this was the way to life and what relationships are about. I too have returned to education and plan on doing a degree starting this year. I also knew that there was something wrong with ME; why had I spent over 2 years SOBER in a relationship with an A. Until I sobered up myself, I couldn't see him for what he really was. Now, the abusive dynamics of the relationship are much clearer to me, and I am still having counselling to make sure I don't make the same mistake again! I do attend Al-Anon, not as much as I used to, and I have no intention of learning how to live with an alcoholic! I do find it useful though, and this forum and Al-Anon and my own experience reminds me of what I will become if I pick up a drink, and I don't want to cause pain or harm to any other person again through my addiction. I am also inspired to read that you are now in a healthy relationship; good for you girl! Prayers and thanks to you.
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
Intuitively, I knew there was something wrong with the way I viewed relationships and myself.
once and for all,
DO something about it,
that brought *me* to this forum as well.
I know it's time for me to 'walk my talk.'
Just another aspect of 'applying these principles in all my affairs.'
****'s problem was alcoholism, but he wasn't the only one at fault in the relationship. I let him cause me pain. I didn't know what I needed to do to prevent myself from going down the same road again, but I knew I needed to do something.
and it's also returned me to my own Spiritual 'roots' ...
the Spiritual Path I'd been on thirty years before I started drinking.
IT's turly a 'full Circle' for me.
What a well written, insightful post!
Thank you!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
golden, thank you so much for your post. i have enough awareness of my "condition" that i see only truth contained in it. perhaps others, new on their own awareness journey, will see some truths that pertain to them as well. and...good for you!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: OR
Posts: 32
Your are so right enlightened...listen to that gut. And expect the same from others (alcholoics or not) that you expect from yourself. Years ago, I realized I was spending all my time walking on eggshells and concentrating entirely on HIS well-being, not MY well-being...wondering how everything I did or said would affect him. Crazy to try living that way. I had become his personal, full-time therapist. One of my past "enlightenment" moments was me ranting on this forum that I "DON'T WANT TO BE A THERAPIST, I WANT TO BE A GIRLFRIEND. If I wanted to be a therapist, I would have majored in it".
Same thing for you. You don't want to be a grown man's mom, you want to be a grown man's girlfriend. You already have two kids. If you wanted a third...you would have given birth to a third.
Same thing for you. You don't want to be a grown man's mom, you want to be a grown man's girlfriend. You already have two kids. If you wanted a third...you would have given birth to a third.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Wild West, USA
Posts: 407
Originally Posted by enlightened 
OMG!
Being accountable for your own actions/feelings is mature and required for a healthy relationship. My XABF tought me a HUGE lesson.
Being accountable for your own actions/feelings is mature and required for a healthy relationship. My XABF tought me a HUGE lesson.
This was my entire list:
1. Willingness to accept responsibility for one's actions
AMEN!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 1
You post is so inspiring and supportive as I ended my relationship with my ABF several weeks back.. I had to make him leave my home where he has been living for 2.5 years, unemployed.. me taking care of him.. long story.. I will post my story soon.. but just want to say how much it helps to find this space, posts that resonate with my life/feelings/relationship/issues... I feel so torn.. relieved to have taken this step.. to be in Al Anon.. Dealing with "my stuff".. but at the same time.. I miss him and my heart is aching.. likely for what I thought it was.. what I wanted it to be.. who I thought he was.. the parts that were/seemed good.. More soon.. Many Thanks!! Many Blessings to ALL!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: New York
Posts: 3
Great post :)
I signed up to this forum for my AB of 2yrs, who is now in the early stages of recovery. (DRU2=Dr is his nickname, and U2 is mine and we both use this account) He's been doing great going to daily AA meetings, church, and today is his 27th day.
He never showed this side to me during our times together, and it was a bit of a shock to hear he was in ICU. To me, he is one of the most caring, loving and will do anything for me kinda guy, with similar creative minds/thoughts and style. I thought if he could get a stable job, we'd be perfect together. But now we have a "new" and additional issue of recovery..
I'm trying to be supportive despite all the "you can't change an alcoholic" comments because I see all of the efforts he is putting into it, and when he has even the smallest urge of weakness, he is forcing himself to hit the gym, AA meeting or church for strength. He is motivated, honest and owns his actions now. I'm quite proud of him.
Given that, I am struggling with his actions of the past. I suggested that we take some time/space so that we can both concentrate on our job search efforts, in order for us to have a more financially stable and independent relationship. (He lives with his mom, I live with my sister now.) During this 3months, I found out that he had been in contact with his ex for 2 weeks with daily phone calls and over 60 texts between them.
Since the day he came out of his coma at ICU, and I went to visit him, he has not contacted her at all. I confronted him about it, and he claims that "I was too drunk, I don't even remember", "She called me and told me she was in AA, and wanted to apologize for the past. I felt bad for her so I called her back ONCE.".
He immediately changed his cell phone number, and went to church to confess. (which makes me wonder what more happened that I am not aware of..cringe)
I know that he has every right to date, call or do whatever he wants while we are apart, as so do I; but I can not get over the betrayal of:
1) him telling me he loves me, meanwhile he was in contact with his ex.
2) I was working so frikkin hard on my job search, staying faithful, and he did nothing but drink himself to ICU and what I would consider "pursuing" his ex.
3) a non-chalant conversation last week he lied to my face, then yesterday when I confronted him with facts, he STILL lied to my face
4) Him telling me "it was nothing-just sympathetic calls. Get over it. At least God forgave me"
I told him I WILL NOT go to AlAnon meetings because I believe in him that this is the PAST, and I don't want it to be part of our life. I also feel that it's HIS issue he needs to resolve and I don't need to be codependent making it MY problem. However, besides that, I've been nothing but supportive of his efforts driving him to AA mtgs, buying self help books, training him as a personal trainer, eating healthy, googling facilities, helping him fill out applications for treament facilities.. I feel like a complete fool right now for being so trusting and naive towards him.
Do you think his behavior is excusable with "I was too drunk" blaming the alcohol(a liter of vodka a day) and is something of the past; or like anyone else, he knew what he was doing and should take responsibility to remedy my trust with him? or all together just move on and find someone who I don't have a past issue of Alcohol, trust, and finance?
My thoughts are blurred with love, compassion, yet disappoint makes me feel so empty that I don't even want to deal with it.
Anyone else "been there, done that"?
U2
He never showed this side to me during our times together, and it was a bit of a shock to hear he was in ICU. To me, he is one of the most caring, loving and will do anything for me kinda guy, with similar creative minds/thoughts and style. I thought if he could get a stable job, we'd be perfect together. But now we have a "new" and additional issue of recovery..
I'm trying to be supportive despite all the "you can't change an alcoholic" comments because I see all of the efforts he is putting into it, and when he has even the smallest urge of weakness, he is forcing himself to hit the gym, AA meeting or church for strength. He is motivated, honest and owns his actions now. I'm quite proud of him.
Given that, I am struggling with his actions of the past. I suggested that we take some time/space so that we can both concentrate on our job search efforts, in order for us to have a more financially stable and independent relationship. (He lives with his mom, I live with my sister now.) During this 3months, I found out that he had been in contact with his ex for 2 weeks with daily phone calls and over 60 texts between them.
Since the day he came out of his coma at ICU, and I went to visit him, he has not contacted her at all. I confronted him about it, and he claims that "I was too drunk, I don't even remember", "She called me and told me she was in AA, and wanted to apologize for the past. I felt bad for her so I called her back ONCE.".
He immediately changed his cell phone number, and went to church to confess. (which makes me wonder what more happened that I am not aware of..cringe)
I know that he has every right to date, call or do whatever he wants while we are apart, as so do I; but I can not get over the betrayal of:
1) him telling me he loves me, meanwhile he was in contact with his ex.
2) I was working so frikkin hard on my job search, staying faithful, and he did nothing but drink himself to ICU and what I would consider "pursuing" his ex.
3) a non-chalant conversation last week he lied to my face, then yesterday when I confronted him with facts, he STILL lied to my face
4) Him telling me "it was nothing-just sympathetic calls. Get over it. At least God forgave me"
I told him I WILL NOT go to AlAnon meetings because I believe in him that this is the PAST, and I don't want it to be part of our life. I also feel that it's HIS issue he needs to resolve and I don't need to be codependent making it MY problem. However, besides that, I've been nothing but supportive of his efforts driving him to AA mtgs, buying self help books, training him as a personal trainer, eating healthy, googling facilities, helping him fill out applications for treament facilities.. I feel like a complete fool right now for being so trusting and naive towards him.
Do you think his behavior is excusable with "I was too drunk" blaming the alcohol(a liter of vodka a day) and is something of the past; or like anyone else, he knew what he was doing and should take responsibility to remedy my trust with him? or all together just move on and find someone who I don't have a past issue of Alcohol, trust, and finance?
My thoughts are blurred with love, compassion, yet disappoint makes me feel so empty that I don't even want to deal with it.
Anyone else "been there, done that"?
U2
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Red flag #1: Drinking while in ICU
Red flag #2: Continually lying
Red flag #3: Refusal to take ownership of his mistake and calling on "god" for absolution
How many red flags are you willing to overlook before you start questioning your ABF's dedication to the relationship, not to mention to his recovery?
FTR, I still go to Al-Anon even though I have divorced my XAH and haven't lived with him for a year now. Al-Anon is about me, not him and his drinking, and it continues to help me figure myself out.
Red flag #2: Continually lying
Red flag #3: Refusal to take ownership of his mistake and calling on "god" for absolution
How many red flags are you willing to overlook before you start questioning your ABF's dedication to the relationship, not to mention to his recovery?
FTR, I still go to Al-Anon even though I have divorced my XAH and haven't lived with him for a year now. Al-Anon is about me, not him and his drinking, and it continues to help me figure myself out.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by DrU2
I signed up to this forum for my AB of 2yrs, who is now in the early stages of recovery. (DRU2=Dr is his nickname, and U2 is mine and we both use this account)
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