Stereosteveo

"The behaviors that we tolerate say more about us, than it does about them."

Live

it hurts, but it also re-focuses us to re-own our own powers and reshape ourselves where needed.
I have been actively not tolerating some negative things over the last week.
Families!

Still Waters

So true. Why oh why did I allow myself to be treated that way? Why??

One day I'll get it all figured out, in the mean time - I won't allow anyone to treat me that way again.

Impurrfect

I'd always heard a similar version...."you get what you tolerate"...it's a hard truth, but it IS the truth, or at least in my case.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

FindingPeace1

I LOVE LOVE LOVE it because it gives me power back! No! I can't stop him, but I can DO something.
On a similar vein, I have been thinking about this:
Every upset (EVERY SINGLE ONE) we experience is due to our own sh*t.
Have you had the experience of your SO behaving weird/mad/sad/upset and just observing and saying to yourself, "Wow, they are really wigging out." But it not pushing your buttons?
Then, they do something else and WE wig out? Cuz we have stuff to work through or boundaries to set.
Wow.
It hands AAAAALLLLLLLL the control back to us.
HOORAY!

BuffaloGal

Timely!

Urgh... I just agreed to do a favor for my ex. Were any thanks forthcoming? They were not. Will this favor be requested again next year? Of course it will! It doesn't hurt me, I'm happy to spend an extra weekend with my child. But... but... not if it stirs up a bunch of resentment that I'm much happier to be free of.

Is there a non controlling way to say, yo, buddy, what would your mother tell you to say just now? Is establishing boundaries supposed to feel like training a puppy? I don't want to go out of my way for someone who can't tell that allowances are being made for their poor behavior (Ok, I know--- then don't, BG. Next year.) But scolding a 42 year old feels weird too.

WAAAAHHHH!!! Grrrrr!!!!!! All I want is to interact, and be dealt with, as if all parties are adults! Is that so wrong!?!

OK, I'm done.

NYC_Chick

Long ago I would have hated this, but it really is true. I also hated hearing I co-created my relationship with xabf. My therapist really made me own all of my stuff.

CatsPajamas

This reminds me of something I read in Courage To Change: If you don't want to be treated like a doormat, get up off of the floor! Again, it gives the power back to me. Early in my recovery I was also intrigued by the notion that I teach other people how to treat me. It was all during the time when I was learning that I wasn't a victim but rather a volunteer. So much to learn, but gosh what a great payoff once I got the lessons!

naive

i find my recovery work is extending into other relationships now. for example, i have frequently let my boundaries be crossed because i want to be polite and not hurt the other persons feelings. no more!

Stereosteveo

Yeah a guy in a meeting talked about how we walk around with a big red button about the size of a basketball sticking out of our chest. It says "Push ME!"

They'll push it everytime just to see what happens..
We are learning to make that button smaller....

FindingPeace1

Ahh YEA, Naive!!!

GiveLove

So true. My tolerance of being treated poorly said a lot about me: that I was so desperate, with such low self-esteem, that I was willing to allow others to treat me like dirt. True, those kinds of actions said "he" was the kind who abuse, as well, but it said just as much about me. Focusing on myself--instead of wishing/hoping/praying/begging they would be different--freed me, and keeps me free.

A corollary is that we truly do teach others how to treat us. (I would've bristled at this long ago, but I was deep in my denial then)

Tally

So knowing that we teach others how to treat us..how do you unteach them? I'm going through these very realisations at the moment. Posted in another thread that it's just occurring to me that near enough everyone I know treats me badly, lets me down, walks all over me or takes advantage without even realising it etc..but I don't know how to make it stop.

LaTeeDa

b-o-u-n-d-a-r-i-e-s

L

Tally

I sound stupid so bear with me but how can I set boundaries with my family? I don't think they even realise they're upsetting me. Ok, I can punish my daughter if she speaks to me badly or doesn't do as she's told but boundaries with my Mum or Brother....I wouldn't know how.

Tally

Thank you, going to finish reading it now.

This bit stuck out though...almost the first line.

I have HUGE difficulty with this. I can't do it unless I'm REALLY angry.

LaTeeDa

One thing I learned in counseling was that I have a need to be needed. I have expectations of others when I do nice things for them. It's not something I am consciously aware of, but it is there nonetheless. Growing up in my family taught me that love is earned, not freely given. So when I do things for others, my conditioning leads me to expect love and affection in return.

To this day, I have to check my motivation frequently. Whenever I have the urge to do something for someone, I have to really, honestly look at why. Am I doing it out of the goodness of my heart, with no expectation of reciprocation? Or am I doing it as "insurance" that they will value me and and love me? It's a really hard pattern to break, but so worth it.

L

FindingPeace1

This was very very helpful!

Still Waters

I don't have a problem telling people to pi$$ off. For instance, a LOT of scammers were out around here during the holidays, walking up to you when you were getting into your call while out shopping, begging for money, my poor kids are starving, blah blah blah.

Pi$$ off.

Telemarketers? I don't even bother saying pi$$ off, I just hang up. Door to door sellers? No thanks, shut the door.

These people have no worries about interrupting what I'm doing, taking up my time, so I have no guilt about telling them to pi$$ off.

My big huge thing when leaving my AH was the need for some peace and quiet. And by God I'm going to have it.