Now that he's trying
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 139
Now that he's trying
So, now that he's trying to stay sober, what do *I* do?
Is it acceptable for me to ask him questions about it? Would it be harmful for me to ask him if he's experiencing cravings?
I did tell him he needs to let other people know, such as his family. When his family visits they often bring beers over, so I told him he should let them know so they don't do this anymore.
I'm getting too involved aren't I?
I just don't understand it!!
I keep hearing that the person in recovery needs a good support system, and I am his support system, but it seems like I'm also feeling like I'm getting too involved!
ARGH
Is it acceptable for me to ask him questions about it? Would it be harmful for me to ask him if he's experiencing cravings?
I did tell him he needs to let other people know, such as his family. When his family visits they often bring beers over, so I told him he should let them know so they don't do this anymore.
I'm getting too involved aren't I?
I just don't understand it!!
I keep hearing that the person in recovery needs a good support system, and I am his support system, but it seems like I'm also feeling like I'm getting too involved!
ARGH
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by Elsie 
I keep hearing that the person in recovery needs a good support system, and I am his support system, but it seems like I'm also feeling like I'm getting too involved!
ARGH
ARGH
The best thing you can do is leave his recovery to him. Get on with your life and focus on taking care of yourself. His "recovery" is what, 2-3 days now? Step back. Let his actions show you he is serious--or not.
You have no control over this. Stop trying to manage him.
L
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Elsie, it's ok to get frustrated. I totally understand...however:
I heard this somewhere on SR and it made sense to me:
"Hands off the alkie. Step wayyyyy back."
Let him be. Let him talk. Let him promise. Let him try. Let him fail. Let him succeed. Let him rage, plead, threaten, cry, laugh, fart, whatever.
Ok, now that you've got all this time and energy on your hands, what are you going to do? Focus on YOU! Who's going to take care of you if YOU don't?
So, how are you doing? Are you sleeping well? Eating well? What are your plans for the next week, month, year?
His recovery is HIS RECOVERY. Not yours. You *used* to be his support system. I think you're realizing that you can't be anymore.
I heard this somewhere on SR and it made sense to me:
"Hands off the alkie. Step wayyyyy back."
Let him be. Let him talk. Let him promise. Let him try. Let him fail. Let him succeed. Let him rage, plead, threaten, cry, laugh, fart, whatever.
Ok, now that you've got all this time and energy on your hands, what are you going to do? Focus on YOU! Who's going to take care of you if YOU don't?
So, how are you doing? Are you sleeping well? Eating well? What are your plans for the next week, month, year?
His recovery is HIS RECOVERY. Not yours. You *used* to be his support system. I think you're realizing that you can't be anymore.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Hi Elsie,
I'm glad that your A is seeking sobriety. I hope he is able to maintain sobriety and begin recovery as well. They are seperate issues.
LTD is correct. You CANNOT be his support system.
I will share my experience in recovery from alcoholism. I am a recovering alcoholic. I was married to an active alcoholic. I got sober and began my recovery journey without his support. I reached a point of clarity and could no longer accept his unacceptable behavior in my life and filed for divorce.
During the divorce process he got sober. He came to me for help. I pulled up the local AA schedule on my computer and left him alone to read. He printed out the schedule and began his personal journey of recovery. I explained to him that I could encourage him as a fellow alcoholic, but I could not be his sponsor or his AA buddy.
I had given him the power to manipulate and control me in our relationship. How was I going to call him on his BS during his recovery, when I wasn't able to do it in our everyday life for 15 years? I could not. I had to work on myself, for myself. My RAXH has to work on himself, for himself.
This is what we call "Keeping our side of the street clean".
His addiction = His recovery
My addiction to the addict (codependency) = My recovery
Keeping it simple.
I'm glad that your A is seeking sobriety. I hope he is able to maintain sobriety and begin recovery as well. They are seperate issues.
LTD is correct. You CANNOT be his support system.
I will share my experience in recovery from alcoholism. I am a recovering alcoholic. I was married to an active alcoholic. I got sober and began my recovery journey without his support. I reached a point of clarity and could no longer accept his unacceptable behavior in my life and filed for divorce.
During the divorce process he got sober. He came to me for help. I pulled up the local AA schedule on my computer and left him alone to read. He printed out the schedule and began his personal journey of recovery. I explained to him that I could encourage him as a fellow alcoholic, but I could not be his sponsor or his AA buddy.
I had given him the power to manipulate and control me in our relationship. How was I going to call him on his BS during his recovery, when I wasn't able to do it in our everyday life for 15 years? I could not. I had to work on myself, for myself. My RAXH has to work on himself, for himself.
This is what we call "Keeping our side of the street clean".
His addiction = His recovery
My addiction to the addict (codependency) = My recovery
Keeping it simple.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 170
Originally Posted by Elsie
So, now that he's trying to stay sober, what do *I* do?
Is it acceptable for me to ask him questions about it? Would it be harmful for me to ask him if he's experiencing cravings?
I did tell him he needs to let other people know, such as his family. When his family visits they often bring beers over, so I told him he should let them know so they don't do this anymore.
I'm getting too involved aren't I?
I just don't understand it!!
I keep hearing that the person in recovery needs a good support system, and I am his support system, but it seems like I'm also feeling like I'm getting too involved!
ARGH
Is it acceptable for me to ask him questions about it? Would it be harmful for me to ask him if he's experiencing cravings?
I did tell him he needs to let other people know, such as his family. When his family visits they often bring beers over, so I told him he should let them know so they don't do this anymore.
I'm getting too involved aren't I?
I just don't understand it!!
I keep hearing that the person in recovery needs a good support system, and I am his support system, but it seems like I'm also feeling like I'm getting too involved!
ARGH
The only problem is, she's bullsh*tted me so much over the past year, that I can't believe anything she says anymore.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 234
My husband entered rehab in September, and is out now, living in a sober house. I am focusing on developing my own support system (Al Anon), finding new things to do, and learning to set boundaries. In other words, my own recovery is taking a lot of energy. That's what I am doing.
My husband seems to be putting a lot of time and energy into his recovery, but I do try to stay out of it as much as possible. This takes discipline on my part, and sometimes I mess up.
Good luck.
My husband seems to be putting a lot of time and energy into his recovery, but I do try to stay out of it as much as possible. This takes discipline on my part, and sometimes I mess up.
Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 62
My situation is similar to that of trapeze and as she stated my recovery takes a great deal of my focus and energy. His recovery is the number one priority in his life right now as it should be and all his energy is focused on that.
I too wanted to know things about what he was feeling, going through etc. I knew I could not be his support system. I knew his recovery was his recovery and mine was mine. But I also wanted to be supportive when and if it was appropriate without trying to control his recovery and without being his main support system.
One of the things I did was start to learn everything I could about alcoholism. I read several books such as "Under the Influence" and the AA "Big Book". I went to an AA meeting in addition to Al Anon. That was my way of trying to grasp an understanding of what he might be experiencing without discussing it with him. It was also my way of finding answers to so many of my "why" questions. I couldn't understand what had happened to my loving wonderful husband. I couldn't understand why such a loving, caring man had turned into a monster or why he had chosen to throw away a wonderful marriage and a happy home. Then I couldn't understand why once he came out of rehab everything wasn't magically fixed.
But once I found information and facts then I begin to find some peace which helped me start being able to take better care of myself. I felt like I had my answers for what had happened to him. I had my answers for what he must do to heal and I had my answers for what I must do for myself.
Stay strong. Let him find his way with his HP. You find yours with your HP.
I too wanted to know things about what he was feeling, going through etc. I knew I could not be his support system. I knew his recovery was his recovery and mine was mine. But I also wanted to be supportive when and if it was appropriate without trying to control his recovery and without being his main support system.
One of the things I did was start to learn everything I could about alcoholism. I read several books such as "Under the Influence" and the AA "Big Book". I went to an AA meeting in addition to Al Anon. That was my way of trying to grasp an understanding of what he might be experiencing without discussing it with him. It was also my way of finding answers to so many of my "why" questions. I couldn't understand what had happened to my loving wonderful husband. I couldn't understand why such a loving, caring man had turned into a monster or why he had chosen to throw away a wonderful marriage and a happy home. Then I couldn't understand why once he came out of rehab everything wasn't magically fixed.
But once I found information and facts then I begin to find some peace which helped me start being able to take better care of myself. I felt like I had my answers for what had happened to him. I had my answers for what he must do to heal and I had my answers for what I must do for myself.
Stay strong. Let him find his way with his HP. You find yours with your HP.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((Elsie)) when I first got clean, my dad would ask "are you having cravings?" and I would answer "no, as a matter of fact I hadn't THOUGHT of crack until you just mentioned it...thanks a lot!"
What everyone has said is true...you can't be his support. When I say my family has been supportive of my recovery, I don't mean that they are the ones I turn to when I am struggling with wanting to use. I mean that they allowed me to be a part of the family again as long as I kept up MY end of the deal...I didn't use, I worked my job (or 2 or 3), paid bills, etc.; I was where I said I'd be, when I said I'd be; I did what I said I would do...this built up their trust, but not in MY time...in THEIR time. This is what I mean when I say my family is supportive of my recovery.
Had they focused on ME, they would have driven me crazy. I'm a codie, too, so I was working on my codie recovery along with my addiction recovery. I had to learn to let them do them, and let me do me.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
What everyone has said is true...you can't be his support. When I say my family has been supportive of my recovery, I don't mean that they are the ones I turn to when I am struggling with wanting to use. I mean that they allowed me to be a part of the family again as long as I kept up MY end of the deal...I didn't use, I worked my job (or 2 or 3), paid bills, etc.; I was where I said I'd be, when I said I'd be; I did what I said I would do...this built up their trust, but not in MY time...in THEIR time. This is what I mean when I say my family is supportive of my recovery.
Had they focused on ME, they would have driven me crazy. I'm a codie, too, so I was working on my codie recovery along with my addiction recovery. I had to learn to let them do them, and let me do me.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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