really struggling
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
really struggling
I am. I feel myself slipping into some very dangerous mental territory. I have been trying to let the sadness be felt when it comes instead of stuffing it down (with food usually) but it's too painful for me, even fleeting sadness about my marriage and what I have been through leaves me overwhelmed by loneliness and leads to intrusive thoughts about my being, my fundamental wrongness of being, the damage I am causing to my children by being around them when I am so flawed. I am afraid of feeling this sad again.
I can't reconcile the stories, that I loved/love him, that he was/is abusive, that he is a lovely person, and my behaviour throughout all of this. I am doubting lots of things. My memory is cloudy and I really don't feel good.
Ugh, big black dog of self-loathing. I know this probably isn't the right forum for this, but I am so afraid of rejection right now I can't reach out to anyone IRL, and I have to get this out. I'll ring my therapist and GP on monday.
How do you handle the pain without sinking into a black pit?
I can't reconcile the stories, that I loved/love him, that he was/is abusive, that he is a lovely person, and my behaviour throughout all of this. I am doubting lots of things. My memory is cloudy and I really don't feel good.
Ugh, big black dog of self-loathing. I know this probably isn't the right forum for this, but I am so afraid of rejection right now I can't reach out to anyone IRL, and I have to get this out. I'll ring my therapist and GP on monday.
How do you handle the pain without sinking into a black pit?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
(((((Hugs)))))
I'm so sorry you are struggling. I'm glad to hear you are going to check in with professionals Monday. I think that his a healthy action to take. Until then, try not to be critical of your feelings. They are just feelings that can be caused by any number of things completely unrelated to your personal life. They could be reactions to medications, food allergies, lack of enough sunlight or a reaction to winter weather. Really, they are not always an indicator of any actual crisis. They could be entirely false feelings that will only derail you. You do not have to act on act on them and you have no reason to believe any self-loathing thoughts at all.
Take care of yourself until Monday as you would a sick child. Be understanding and kind. Feed yourself as well as you can, sleep well, and keep reaching out to those who understand.
This will pass and help is coming. Make those calls Monday. Hang in there.
Alice
I'm so sorry you are struggling. I'm glad to hear you are going to check in with professionals Monday. I think that his a healthy action to take. Until then, try not to be critical of your feelings. They are just feelings that can be caused by any number of things completely unrelated to your personal life. They could be reactions to medications, food allergies, lack of enough sunlight or a reaction to winter weather. Really, they are not always an indicator of any actual crisis. They could be entirely false feelings that will only derail you. You do not have to act on act on them and you have no reason to believe any self-loathing thoughts at all.
Take care of yourself until Monday as you would a sick child. Be understanding and kind. Feed yourself as well as you can, sleep well, and keep reaching out to those who understand.
This will pass and help is coming. Make those calls Monday. Hang in there.
Alice
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
Hi Jen -
Welcome to SR!
I'm sorry to read about you struggling,
but at the same time
I'm grateful you've found us
and now you don't have to feel alone.
Welcome aboard, hon.
Keep posting
keep talking about this.
It'll help. I know it will.
Welcome to SR!
I'm sorry to read about you struggling,
but at the same time
I'm grateful you've found us
and now you don't have to feel alone.
Welcome aboard, hon.
Keep posting
keep talking about this.
It'll help. I know it will.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Jen, I understand.
One of the things I did was write down in black ink on white paper all the things that had transpiried, not just in general either, more like he Lied about this this and this, he was verbally abusive on .... and listed the dates, he didn't pay this, this and this, etc
Then I kept it handy. When I would feel the sadness wash over me, I would acknowledge out loud to myself "I am feeling very sad right now about this whole situation.'
Then I would pull out the list and read it, and then move on to my next item on my 'To Do' list.
It worked. Slowly the sadness became less and less. Slowly the 'understanding' of why this had all occurred moved from head to my heart.
I didn't have to go comatose with the sadness, I found a way out.
Maybe this would help you also.
Love and hugs,
One of the things I did was write down in black ink on white paper all the things that had transpiried, not just in general either, more like he Lied about this this and this, he was verbally abusive on .... and listed the dates, he didn't pay this, this and this, etc
Then I kept it handy. When I would feel the sadness wash over me, I would acknowledge out loud to myself "I am feeling very sad right now about this whole situation.'
Then I would pull out the list and read it, and then move on to my next item on my 'To Do' list.
It worked. Slowly the sadness became less and less. Slowly the 'understanding' of why this had all occurred moved from head to my heart.
I didn't have to go comatose with the sadness, I found a way out.
Maybe this would help you also.
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Jen,
The self-loathing part is what is most troublesome. You are who you are for very many reasons, many of which started at your conception. In other words, you got dealt a hand. You are playing it as best you can. You have learned things about the world, at the hand of your parents, other factors in your environment, and your reponses to them.
There are many GOOD things about you as a result too - not just the things you feel are ugly. You just can't see them right now because you are immersed in sorow.
The sadness - it sounds as though you have a good plan by calling your professionals.
I would agree to be gentle with yourself. Please please don't beat yourself up. You, as all of us, are a work in progress.
The self-loathing part is what is most troublesome. You are who you are for very many reasons, many of which started at your conception. In other words, you got dealt a hand. You are playing it as best you can. You have learned things about the world, at the hand of your parents, other factors in your environment, and your reponses to them.
There are many GOOD things about you as a result too - not just the things you feel are ugly. You just can't see them right now because you are immersed in sorow.
The sadness - it sounds as though you have a good plan by calling your professionals.
I would agree to be gentle with yourself. Please please don't beat yourself up. You, as all of us, are a work in progress.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 290
((((Jen))))
I have recently come to realize that my AH isn't treating me right, but that he is not responsible for the way I deal with my overwhelming emotions - and that my coping mechanism for dealing with these emotions has become extremely unhealthy and destructive. I found an interesting book the other day that offers practical exercises to deal with overwhelming emotions.
I'm still working on the first chapter and I'm not sure if this will be helpful... but I thought I'd try.
The first chapter deals with radical acceptance - which mainly says that you should remind yourself that you should accept the present moment and the chain of events that created it. Oftentimes getting angry or upset over a situation also stops you from seeing what is really happening. By being overly judgemental, you're missing the details and not seeing everything as it really is (like wearing dark sunglasses indoors). Being overly critical prevents you from taking steps to change the situation. You can't change the past and if you spend your time fighting the past, you'll become paralyzed and helpless. Radical acceptance suggests to acknowledge your present situation, without judging or criticizing yourself. Instead, try to recognize that your present situation exists because of a long chain of events that began far in the past. Keep in mind that radical acceptance doesn't condone or agree with bad behavior in others. But it does mean that you stop trying to change what's happened. You can use a coping statemtent to remind yourself of this, such as: "All the events have led up to now" or "The present is the only moment I have control over", or "This moment is exactly as it should be, given what's happened before it", etc.
The first chapter also deals with distraction skills. Distraction skills are important because they can temporarily stop you from thinking about your pain and as a result they give you time to find an appropriate coping response. What I found interesting: "the harder you try to forget something, the harder your brain tries to remember it. This is why forcing yourself to forget about something that happened to you is impossible. It's also why you can't simply force yourself to get rid of emotions that you don't want.
However, DO NOT confuse distraction with avoidance. When you avoid a distressing situation, you chose not to deal with it. But when you distract yourself from a distressing situation, you still intend to deal with it in the future, when your emotions have calmed down to a tolerable level (or you can talk it over with your therapist).
The book goes on suggesting a lot of distraction ideas. I.e. distract yourself with pleasurable activities, i.e. activities outside the house (I have found that when I get depressed, usually it is best to go out and do something, even if I don't feel like it) or (which might not be helpful now but maybe for future moments like these) you could write a loving letter to yourself or a list of ten things you're good at/ like about yourself when you're feeling good and keep it with you to read when you're feeling upset; or distract your thoughts (i.e. remember events from your past that were pleasant, fun, exciting. Try to remember as many details as possible about these memories. What did you do? Who were you with? What happened?)
Later on in the book it talks about judgements. In many cases, it can become very easy to start obsessing on a single judgement.... Maybe it (the judgement) was about something bad about yourself. When your thoughts are occupied by something that happened in the past or by something that might happen in the future, how mindful are you being about the present moment? Probably you're not being very mindful. And when those obsessive thoughts are judgements about yourself, how easy is it for your emotions to get triggered? Probably it's very easy! It goes on listing some exercises, i.e. judgement defusion, designed to help you release/ let go of your judgements and obsessive thoughts. I.e. you picture yourself sitting by a stream and watch your judgement float past on leaves (there are instructions on how to do the exercise - if anybody is interested I can post them)
Each chapter builds on the next and is intended to teach you distress tolerance (to soften the effects of upsetting circumstances - chapter 1-2), mindfulness (to help you stay in the present and overcome habitual negative judgements about yourself and others), emotion regulation (to modulate feelings withough behaving in reactive, destructive ways), and interpersonal effectiveness.
I know you are much further into recovery than I am... I'm not sure if this was of help. Please know that you are not alone, even if it may at times feel like it. I know how just the thought of feeling so depressed, sad, etc. again can sometimes trigger anxiety and make things even worse. Please remember the people that love you and be gentle with yourself. Try to do something that makes you feel better about yourself until you can talk to your therapist.
This too shall pass (has become one of my favorite statements
)
I have recently come to realize that my AH isn't treating me right, but that he is not responsible for the way I deal with my overwhelming emotions - and that my coping mechanism for dealing with these emotions has become extremely unhealthy and destructive. I found an interesting book the other day that offers practical exercises to deal with overwhelming emotions.
I'm still working on the first chapter and I'm not sure if this will be helpful... but I thought I'd try.
The first chapter deals with radical acceptance - which mainly says that you should remind yourself that you should accept the present moment and the chain of events that created it. Oftentimes getting angry or upset over a situation also stops you from seeing what is really happening. By being overly judgemental, you're missing the details and not seeing everything as it really is (like wearing dark sunglasses indoors). Being overly critical prevents you from taking steps to change the situation. You can't change the past and if you spend your time fighting the past, you'll become paralyzed and helpless. Radical acceptance suggests to acknowledge your present situation, without judging or criticizing yourself. Instead, try to recognize that your present situation exists because of a long chain of events that began far in the past. Keep in mind that radical acceptance doesn't condone or agree with bad behavior in others. But it does mean that you stop trying to change what's happened. You can use a coping statemtent to remind yourself of this, such as: "All the events have led up to now" or "The present is the only moment I have control over", or "This moment is exactly as it should be, given what's happened before it", etc.
The first chapter also deals with distraction skills. Distraction skills are important because they can temporarily stop you from thinking about your pain and as a result they give you time to find an appropriate coping response. What I found interesting: "the harder you try to forget something, the harder your brain tries to remember it. This is why forcing yourself to forget about something that happened to you is impossible. It's also why you can't simply force yourself to get rid of emotions that you don't want.
However, DO NOT confuse distraction with avoidance. When you avoid a distressing situation, you chose not to deal with it. But when you distract yourself from a distressing situation, you still intend to deal with it in the future, when your emotions have calmed down to a tolerable level (or you can talk it over with your therapist).
The book goes on suggesting a lot of distraction ideas. I.e. distract yourself with pleasurable activities, i.e. activities outside the house (I have found that when I get depressed, usually it is best to go out and do something, even if I don't feel like it) or (which might not be helpful now but maybe for future moments like these) you could write a loving letter to yourself or a list of ten things you're good at/ like about yourself when you're feeling good and keep it with you to read when you're feeling upset; or distract your thoughts (i.e. remember events from your past that were pleasant, fun, exciting. Try to remember as many details as possible about these memories. What did you do? Who were you with? What happened?)
Later on in the book it talks about judgements. In many cases, it can become very easy to start obsessing on a single judgement.... Maybe it (the judgement) was about something bad about yourself. When your thoughts are occupied by something that happened in the past or by something that might happen in the future, how mindful are you being about the present moment? Probably you're not being very mindful. And when those obsessive thoughts are judgements about yourself, how easy is it for your emotions to get triggered? Probably it's very easy! It goes on listing some exercises, i.e. judgement defusion, designed to help you release/ let go of your judgements and obsessive thoughts. I.e. you picture yourself sitting by a stream and watch your judgement float past on leaves (there are instructions on how to do the exercise - if anybody is interested I can post them)
Each chapter builds on the next and is intended to teach you distress tolerance (to soften the effects of upsetting circumstances - chapter 1-2), mindfulness (to help you stay in the present and overcome habitual negative judgements about yourself and others), emotion regulation (to modulate feelings withough behaving in reactive, destructive ways), and interpersonal effectiveness.
I know you are much further into recovery than I am... I'm not sure if this was of help. Please know that you are not alone, even if it may at times feel like it. I know how just the thought of feeling so depressed, sad, etc. again can sometimes trigger anxiety and make things even worse. Please remember the people that love you and be gentle with yourself. Try to do something that makes you feel better about yourself until you can talk to your therapist.
This too shall pass (has become one of my favorite statements
)
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
(((Jen)))
Be kind to yourself and remember that the pain and sadness will pass. It isn't permanent and you will get through this. Seeing professionals tomorrow and getting help is a good plan, same with posting here - you don't have to do this on your own.
I too struggle with emotional eating. I have been in the dark places. I have felt worthless. Something Givelove said in a post really hit home with me when I was wrestling with these feeling. Its my signature line now, as a reminder to me that I am worthy to be here and have value just by breathing. Counselling and anti depressants have helped me get out of the worst of the depression. I still struggle but I am learning new ways of thinking about myself, trying to eliminate the 'shoulds' from my internal dialogue (eg I should have a better job, I've wasted my education and intelligence... I should have done all the housework, my house is such a mess, I'm so damn lazy compared to everyone else... I should be feeling happy right now, but I'm not, what is wrong with me...etc etc). Working on my co dependency and going through the first 3 steps have also helped me build some self confidence and belief. If I can do it then so can you!
You are not alone. We care. (((jen)))
Be kind to yourself and remember that the pain and sadness will pass. It isn't permanent and you will get through this. Seeing professionals tomorrow and getting help is a good plan, same with posting here - you don't have to do this on your own.
I too struggle with emotional eating. I have been in the dark places. I have felt worthless. Something Givelove said in a post really hit home with me when I was wrestling with these feeling. Its my signature line now, as a reminder to me that I am worthy to be here and have value just by breathing. Counselling and anti depressants have helped me get out of the worst of the depression. I still struggle but I am learning new ways of thinking about myself, trying to eliminate the 'shoulds' from my internal dialogue (eg I should have a better job, I've wasted my education and intelligence... I should have done all the housework, my house is such a mess, I'm so damn lazy compared to everyone else... I should be feeling happy right now, but I'm not, what is wrong with me...etc etc). Working on my co dependency and going through the first 3 steps have also helped me build some self confidence and belief. If I can do it then so can you!
You are not alone. We care. (((jen)))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
thank you everyone, you are wonderful, lovely people, the sunshine is making things a little better. I am going to try the list thing laurie, not now, because I need space away from the little people that depend on me to do that and think about those things.
Lotus, could you post the title and author of the book?
thanks everyone, this place is really great x
Lotus, could you post the title and author of the book?
thanks everyone, this place is really great x
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 290
Sorry that I forgot to post the title of the book... it's a Harbinger self-help workbook. Title: The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook. Authors: Matthew McKay, Jeffrey Wood, Jeffrey Brantley
Hope today is looking better than yesterday. HUGS!
Hope today is looking better than yesterday. HUGS!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hi ceridwen. naive here.
i understand what it feels like to be on your knees. i find it helpful to pray. i also find it helpful to remind myself that what i am feeling WILL pass. it always has before.
ceridwen, i just want to say that when i was at my lowest, you were there for me. i remain grateful to you. you helped me.
and likewise, i am here for you. we are going to get through this. one day at a time.
i understand what it feels like to be on your knees. i find it helpful to pray. i also find it helpful to remind myself that what i am feeling WILL pass. it always has before.
ceridwen, i just want to say that when i was at my lowest, you were there for me. i remain grateful to you. you helped me.
and likewise, i am here for you. we are going to get through this. one day at a time.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 902
Jen: I'm so sorry you are in so much pain. Please know that you have many gifts and wonderful things about you and hang on to that. It's so hard.
The night my friend left her soon to be xah, she was having a hard time, so I told her to write in big huge letters on a piece of paper "You are okay." She did and still looks at it when she has doubt. I also sent this in an email to her. When I'm having a bad day, she sends it back.
Big HUGS!!! It gets so much better. Breathe and put one foot in front of the other.
The night my friend left her soon to be xah, she was having a hard time, so I told her to write in big huge letters on a piece of paper "You are okay." She did and still looks at it when she has doubt. I also sent this in an email to her. When I'm having a bad day, she sends it back.
Big HUGS!!! It gets so much better. Breathe and put one foot in front of the other.
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